Vitalon P Drink

For some kinky reason, I really hoped that the Vitalon P Drink contained human urine, but despite the yellow can with a huge letter “P” on it and the yellow-colored liquid in the can, it does not contain a single drop of it. It’s just another gimmicky Asian product, like a Hello Kitty Vibrator or Tila Tequila.

The only people I know who would drink canned urine are myself, this guy, hippies, really thirsty people, Fear Factor contestants, homeopaths, Bai Ling, Golden Shower fans, and crazy fuckers who keep their nail clippings in a medicine bottle that used to contain the medicine that prevented them from being crazy and on that bottle the words “My soul” are written in chicken scratch letters.

But what if it did contain urine? Let’s go down the mushroom-induced Road of Pretend to see how urine could be mass produced.

To get the urine, I imagine rows of naked men drinking beer from a trough that is far, far away from any asparagus, then sitting around listening to the tranquil sounds of waterfalls or asleep with a hand placed in warm water. Then with the ringing of a bell, they get up and head to another trough to release their yellow, mineral-filled beverage from their external taps (aka penises).

Despite the trough being there as a huge target, many of the men will miss it, wasting valuable product and making the floor all wet, like the men’s restroom at movie theater after the last showing. Once they release their urine and shake off any drops, they go back to drinking beer from the trough and the process starts all over again. Of course, once the alcohol pissing prevention seal is broken with the first piss, urine will come more quickly.

Some of you might be thinking, “Why can’t it be naked women, you sexist pig?”

First off, women don’t have external taps, except for Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas, which makes pissing in troughs hard. Secondly, I think most women won’t piss in a trough. Unscientific studies have shown that men will piss anywhere, even Dr. Seuss knew that.

I like to piss wherever I can!
I do! I like to, Man-I-am!
And I would piss off a boat.
And I would piss on a goat.

And I will piss in the rain.
And in the dark. And on a train.
And in a car. And in a tree.
It’s fun to piss freely, you see!

So I will piss in a box.
And I will piss in my socks.
And I will piss in a pool.
And I will piss on top of a stool.
And I will piss here and there.
Say! I will piss ANYWHERE!!

Now that the mushrooms have worn off, I can tell you that the “P” in the Vitalon P Drink probably stands for pretty lame. From what very little English there is on the can, I can tell it’s supposed to be some kind of vitamin drink, containing vitamin B2, vitamin C, and calcium. Unfortunately, the can doesn’t say how much of each it has.

The urine-ish yellow carbonated beverage smells like pure sugar, thanks to the 35 grams of sugar in it, and it tastes like the white stick that comes with a Fun Dip, which unfortunately is as boring as any recent Ben Stiller movie. Just like the piss-resembling Corona beer needs a lime, I felt that the Vitalon P Drink needed something to help its flavor, perhaps fruit, tea, or even urine.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – 140 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 52.5 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 35 grams of sugar, 0 grams of fiber, and 0 grams of pee.)

Item: Vitalon P Drink
Price: FREE (11.8 ounces)
Purchased at: Given by oldest brother
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: No urine. Vitamin B2, vitamin C, and calcium. Being able to piss anywhere. The Road of Pretend.
Cons: No urine. Looks like carbonated urine. Sugary. Seems like a gimmicky product. Unknown amounts of vitamin B2, vitamin C, and calcium. Anything Tila Tequila. Recent Ben Stiller movies.

25 thoughts to “Vitalon P Drink”

  1. So it didn’t taste like fruit-flavored urine. That’s a good thing, isn’t it? I assume you already know what urine tastes like…

    Also, don’t tease us with the waxing poll (heh, heh, I just made a pun), hurry up and get your hairy ass waxed and post the before, during, and after photos!

  2. haha marvo! u forgot Bear Grylls from Man vs Wild on the discovery channel. drinks hid own urine too and he licked his lips. hes bad ass.

  3. That actually looks like my piss during my health-nut phase when I was taking a pack of vitamins every day. Unfortunately, I think I flushed away most of the results. If only I had the foresight to drink it…

  4. I had to pee in a trough once (long story). As a woman, I can tell you it’s both difficult and unpleasant.

  5. Marvo, you should do more reviews as podcasts. Your voice is SEXY as hell, man!

    If only I weren’t all the way in Georgia…. *sigh*

  6. Are you channeling Bear Grylls? Because I just threw up a little in my mouth. I refuse to live Dune!

  7. Molly – Right now, the plan is to get waxed on February 9th (January is a busy month for me). I think there maybe video to go along with the photos. Hmm…I wonder if I should pick up an HD camera.

    liz – If bad asses drink their urine, then Chuck Norris must drink his own pee.

    Ace – I think it’s never too late to start.

    Chuck – Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. But dude, rent for $200? That’s more insane than he is.

    Domokun – No. But you can pay someone to do that.

    Karen – I’m still waiting for female urinals…and the chance to review them.

    Susu – I think she had a servant that held a cup under her.

    dramastically – What? Seriously? Have you ever shotgunned an entire flavor of powder at one time?

    Bikerbabeee – Penises! The treehugger in me says I need to recycle the can.

  8. Brie – I’ve always thought the Fun-Dip stick was pretty bland. After all the Fun-Dip was gone, I’d just throw away the stick.

    Jen – I think I sound like a congested monkey, but maybe you’re into congested monkeys, I dunno. 🙂

    Shannon – It won’t make me happy. I actually think it will make me unhappy and possibly sick, but how many people can say they drank urine. It’s nothing to brag about, but it’s a wonderful conversation starter.

    Sass – Maybe I’ll do the next review Barry White-style.

    Terry – Don’t forget to clean up with a used sock or something.

    demondoll – Well I naturally have a tendency to make people throw up in their mouths a little. Some say it’s a curse, others say it’s a gift.

    Lane O – I’m glad I can help your laziness. 🙂

    Kitty – I just like Tequila.

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