The Burger King Four Cheese Whopper could have been great. In fact, it should have been great.

Everybody knows that four is the best number. There are four blind mice, four good Indiana Jones movies and four continents on the planet. So when Burger King unveiled a Four Cheese Whopper, everybody in the country yelled “Four!” at the same time like we were playing golf for the fourth time that day. We needed this, BK. Imagine it: Buzzfeed lists of “Which of the Four Cheeses are you?” or umm, “Buzzfeed ranks the Four Cheese Whopper cheeses in order,” or “Buzzfeed remembers 2014, the year of the Four Cheese Whopper.” Buzzfeed is pretty 2013, but the Four Cheese Whopper could have swung this year for it.

However. You dropped the ball, Mr. King. You dropped the ball so hard. You dropped the ball harder than the Burger King Kid’s Club playing a game of pickup. Because at some point you’re going to have to pass the basketball to the nerd or the shaggy dog. Oh yeah, and there was that dude with a Virtual Boy strapped onto his face with a rubber band. What a dummy. Did Kid Vid invent Google Glass? Now I hate him even more.

Burger King, you dropped the ball harder than I wish I could drop Google Glass onto the ground. Let’s quote your own description of the Four Cheese Whopper. It says it has “melted American cheese, a creamy three cheese blend, cheddar sauce.” That sounds like five cheeses. And any idiot knows that five is better than four. Five is the best number, duh. There are five Golden Girls, five signs on the zodiac, and five sodas in a six-pack. You could have named it the Five Cheese Whopper and you completely missed the boat.

To be honest, though, you could have named it the One Cheese Whopper. Here’s the deal with this thing. There’s cheese on it. A lot of it. And it all tastes the same. It’s one note, and processed to hell. I could see the lady making it for me at the restaurant, and she stacked a few slices, then sprinkled some shavings, and then squirted a glop from a bottle. So much work, so many delivery systems, but it all ends up tasting exactly the same.

It pretty much tastes like half a stack of Kraft Singles on top of a Whopper. And, yes, I know, that sounds awesome. But that’s because I’m a fatty obsessed with comic excess. It’s actually not awesome. To top it off, it’s that congealed cheese that’s barely melted so it has the texture of a frozen cheeseburger heated for 3/4 of the thawing time.

The cheese mutes any acidity in the burger toppings and also overthrows the charbroiled taste in the patty. King Burger also removed the pickles and the ketchup, which tips the entire fromage-agaggedon into cheese overdrive. There are onions, tomatoes and pieces of lettuce in there, but they resemble those people who die climbing Mount Everest and then freeze there like statues for future climbers to see, if instead of snow, cheese fell from the sky.

The bun is a Whopper bun. It’s got sesame seeds. It also gets a little lost in the cheese mix. By comparison, the Whopper with cheese costs a few cents less and the ingredients all manage to find themselves onto the consumer’s palate, which, considering this is Your Majesty’s Burger Joint, may be considered a worse thing. Seems like this item would be labeled “for cheese-connoisseurs only,” but if this is the quality of cheese you like, you’re probably the kind of person who eats string cheese without stringing it: Do what you want, but that ain’t my style.

This burger appeals to about zero people. But you know what the silver lining is? Zero is by far the best number. Zero days of Christmas, the concept of pi starts with a zero, and there is a zero chance of this bit getting old.

(Nutrition Facts – 850 calories, 57 grams of fat, 21 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 115 milligrams of cholesterol, 1160 milligrams of sodium, 47 grams of carbohydrates, 9 grams of sugar, and 32 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Four Cheese Whopper
Purchased Price: $4.99
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Basically a Whopper with more cheese. Still contains some Whopper qualities, if that’s your speed.
Cons: Cheese is overbearing, also not of greater quality, or even of differing quality than usual.

I don’t have a kid, but I’ve put some thought into his or her name. I’ve been thinking of names that are hard to make fun of, but that has been a difficult task.

Brandon…Brandumb.

Evelyn…Neverlyn.

Reginald…Reginard.

Catherine…Casserine.

Dick…Dick.

Geez, I’m a natural at this. I should’ve been a bully instead of being the target of bullies.

Burger King’s YUMBO Hot Ham & Cheese Sandwich has a name that’s extremely easy to make fun of. YUCKBO. This sandwich is DUMBO. YUMNOOOO. And those names do a wonderful job of describing how I feel about the YUMBO.

The YUMBO is constructed using slices of black forest ham, two slices of American cheese, Burger King’s sad lettuce, and mayonnaise on the hoagie bun used with BK’s Original Chicken Sandwich. Before I tell you how mediocre this sandwich is, let’s take a quick trip back into time.

The YUMBO is not a new sandwich. It was originally introduced in 1968 and taken off the menu six years later. The original didn’t include lettuce, mayonnaise, or a hoagie bun. You can see what it looked like in this vintage Hungry Jack’s commercial. (Hungry Jack’s is what Burger King is called in Australia.)

Being that I wasn’t born when the original YUMBO was around, I have no idea what it tasted like. But I do know the present version is disappointing. First off, the ham in my sandwich was not hot. Well, to be exact, my entire sandwich was lukewarm, including the toasted bun. Because the cheese was slightly melted, it might’ve had a little warmth during the 30 second walk from Burger King to my car and the 60 seconds I took to take photos, but it had none when I put it into my mouth. Gooey melted cheese is one thing that makes a hot ham and cheese sandwich awesome, but mine was just room temperature.

I will admit my YUMBO appears somewhat appetizing with the salty ham looking like it was placed lovingly onto the bun, but it tastes like a ham sandwich I could make at home with some cheap Land O’Frost meat, half-eaten lettuce stolen from a bunny cage, a free Best Foods/Hellmann’s mayo packet from 7-Eleven, a hoagie bun, and not giving a damn.

After taking a few bites, I decided I wasn’t going to settle for a lukewarm sandwich and ended up microwaving it for 20 seconds when I got home. When the ham is hot and the cheesy is gooey and warm, it’s a noticeably better sandwich. Although if you decide to nuke it, get rid of the lettuce before you do so because heat makes BK lettuce worse than it already is. Actually, why is there lettuce? To be honest, I don’t even think lettuce wants to be in the sandwich because it kept falling out as I ate mine.

The YUMBO Hot Ham & Cheese Sandwich is part of the 2 for $5 menu, so if you don’t want to heed my warnings and try the ham sandwich, you can do so knowing you have a back up sandwich. It’s not YUCKBO when it’s warm, but I shouldn’t have to microwave my sandwich to make it decent. With the YUMBO being a limited time only product, it’ll eventually be taken off the menu again. And if it doesn’t show up again for decades, I won’t mind.

(Nutrition Facts – 490 calories, 24 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 1770 milligrams of sodium, 49 grams of carbohydrates, 10 grams of sugar, and 23 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King YUMBO Hot Ham & Cheese Sandwich
Purchased Price: $4.59*
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: A better sandwich when ham is hot and cheese is gooey and warm. Microwave ovens. Backup sandwiches.
Cons: Ham was not hot. Entire sandwich was lukewarm. Subway makes a better ham sandwich. Look at what you made me type, Burger King! Not the sandwich from the bell-bottoms generation. BK’s bad lettuce. Stealing from bunny cages. Bullies.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.