Oh my god, Fruity Pebbles, pink was, like, so 2004.

I don’t know if you, like, got the memo, but pink is, like, no longer the new black.

So why don’t you, like, go back home to your South Beach Diet and listen to the Usher song “Yeah!” on, like, your CD player?

Oh my god, you’re, like, so not current. I bet you, like, still call P. Diddy, Puff Daddy.

I mean, like, where have you been for the past five months? Living in, like, a cave?

Not even singer Pink likes pink anymore. I heard she’s gonna, like, change her name to Fuchia or something like that.

Oh my god, like, look at your shoes! Have you been, like, shopping from the clearance rack?

Pffff… You know what? I had those shoes in, like, 2003. But, like, a week later I donated them to Goodwill, because they, like, weren’t in style anymore. I bet that’s where you, like, got them from.

I bet you, like, also still have acid-washed jeans and Benetton clothing in your closet.

Why are you, like, adding a new color anyway? It’s not like you taste any better or look any better. You could’ve, like, added death black, vomit green, or doo-doo brown, you still will, like, taste the same.

Oh my god, like, you have so many colors anyway, Fruity Pebbles. It’s like you got caught in a tornado with, like, Elton John’s wardrobe.

Why don’t you, like, add marshmallows or something? Those are, like, so hot right now. But, like, if you don’t do it by next week, it’s gonna be, like, so not hot, like that pink outfit you’re, like, wearing.

Oh my god, how about some, like, contrast? You look like a bottle of, like, Pepto Bismol.

I think I, like, need a bottle of it right now, because I’m, like, getting nauseated from looking at how uncool you are.

Anyway, I have to, like, go, because, like, your uncoolness is, like, totally rubbing off on me. I think I have to, like, buy a whole new wardrobe because of you. And, like, I guarantee my new wardrobe won’t have, like, any pink.

Item: Post Fruity Pebbles with New Bedrock Berry Pink
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes just like normal Fruity Pebbles. There’s, like, 10 essential vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Pink was, like, so 2004. Like, so not current. Adding, like, a new color is, like, so not hot. The game on the back of the box was, like, hard.

While pouring myself a bowl of the new Post Marshmallow Mania Pebbles and after being frustrated with the super difficult What’s Different? puzzle on the back of the box, I remembered the times I spent in front of the television watching The Flintstones.

I also remember being told by my parents that I shouldn’t sit so close to the television or else I was going to screw up my vision.

After I came out of those flashbacks and cleaned my glasses, many questions about The Flintstones popped into my head that I would’ve never thought of as a little kid. For example:

(1) During the credits at the end of the show, when Fred dumped the sabertooth cat outside, the sabertooth cat jumped through the window, dumped Fred outside, and locked him out. Why didn’t Fred just jump through the window like the sabertooth cat, instead of pounding on the front door?

(2) Dino walked on all fours, but he also walked on his hind legs quite a bit. Why didn’t he just choose one way and stick with it? Why did he have to showoff?

(3) How could someone as hot as Wilma be married to a fat oaf like Fred?

(4) Was The Great Gazoo gay and was that the real reason why he was exiled to Earth?

As I pondered these questions, I began to chow down on the Marshmallow Mania Pebbles. After a few spoonfuls, the taste of the Marshmallow Mania Pebbles stopped my train of thought. The artificial vanilla-graham flavoring and the marshmallow-flavored sprinkles on the cereal didn’t have much taste. It made the cereal kind of bland and it disappointed me, like both of the live-action Flintstones movies, except for the scenes in the first movie with Halle Berry.

The only things that saved this cereal were the marshmallows, which have been known to make many things better, like hot chocolate, yams, campfires, the movie Ghostbusters, and William Hung’s singing, when you stuff the marshmallows in your ears.

Now the marshmallows in the cereal were supposed to be in the shapes of Fred, Barney, Dino, and Gazoo. After examining them, I have to say the only way anyone would think the marshmallows looked like any of those characters was if they were high.

Really high, like double-barrel-bong high.

Despite the large cast of character marshmallows, I really wished there were Wilma and Betty marshmallows, because I would love to eat those two.

Item: Post Marshmallow Mania Pebbles
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Marshmallows. Low-fat. Marshmallows. Vitamins and minerals. Marshmallows.
Cons: Cereal part was kind of bland, even with its artificial vanilla-graham flavoring and marshmallow flavored sprinkles. No Wilma or Betty marshmallows. What’s Different? puzzle on the back of the box was super hard.