Here I go again, reviewing another Hot Pocket. What keeps me coming back to the Hot Pockets product line when I know every pocket will be reminiscent of the last? Do I have a problem? Will my constant attraction to all pockets Hot, Lean, and Pretzeld ultimately be my undoing?
The new Limited Edition Chili Sauce Cheese Dog Hot Pocket may not be the best Hot Pocket Ive ever tasted, but it certainly provides no cure for my stuffed sandwich addiction. In other words, Im hooked on Hot Pockets. Can we make that a slogan and sell it to the Hot Pockets people? I can use the money to pay for treatment.
Psssst…Treatment includes lots and lots of burning the roof of ones mouth.
Lets start with the filling because as we all know, Hot Pockets are like my unattractive friend I want you to ask out: Its whats inside that counts. The name itself spells everything out for you. The Chili Sauce Cheese Dog Hot Pocket contains chili sauce made with beef and chicken pattie crumbles, which is suitably savory.
It also contains cheese just gooey and flavorful enough to make a good impression. But that dog part? The box claims that the chili sauce contains pork franks. The last time I ate pork frank pieces this tiny was when I was experiencing finger foods for the first time in my high chair. The Chili Sauce Cheese Dog Hot Pocket is filled with more lies than pork franks.
And if youre expecting an awesome exterior to make up for the disappointing interior, youre out of luck. The Limited Edition Chili Sauce Cheese Dog Hot Pocket has an unseasoned, unspectacular crust. In fact, its a lot like a plain ol hot dog bun. (Another thought… just what should I call this outer part of the sandwich if they keep changing the texture? The crust? The bun? WHAT DO I CALL THE POCKET PART OF A HOT POCKET??? Since Chili Sauce Cheese Dog Hot Pockets arent particularly crusty, Im going with “buns.” The quotation marks are in full effect.)
I tried to remember the last time I ate an unseasoned and unadorned “bun,” and I realized that these are the same “buns” they use for the Sideshots. I guess the approach with the Sideshots was to mimic a hamburger bun, and they go for the same effect here in a hot dog bun way €¦ but when I consider the filling of the Chili Sauce Cheese Dog Hot Pocket (or lack thereof), I wish they had tried something different.
In fact, they should probably have gone back to the drawing board entirely with this sandwich, starting with the ridiculous name: “Hot Pockets Limited Edition Chili Sauce Cheese Dog.” Its like theyre saying Cheese Dog when they really mean Chili Dog, but they forgot to include the dog. Have the creators of this Hot Pocket never had a chili dog before in their lives? Why not just call it “Hot Pockets Limited Edition Chili Cheese?” Eliminate the weird “Sauce” part and any reference to HOT DOGS altogether. With the scanty amount of pork franks in this Hot Pocket, it wouldve been better to let us make the pleasant discovery of pork frank pieces in our chili-infused sandwich, and then wed be happy instead of incensed.
Okay, I just went on a long rant about a microwaveable sandwich. Maybe I do have a problem.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 280 calories, fat calories, 13 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 620 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 9 grams of protein, 15% Calcium, 10% Iron, 0% Vitamin C, 6% Vitamin A.)
Item: Hot Pockets Limited Edition Chili Sauce Cheese Dog
Price: $2.49 (on sale)
Size: 2 sandwich
Purchased at: Ralphs
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Suitably savory chili with beef and chicken pattie crumbles. Hooked on Hot Pockets. Gooey cheese. Will not negatively affect my Hot Pockets addiction.
Cons: Filled with more lies than pork franks. Burning the roof of your mouth. Unseasoned bun. Quotation marks.