Some folks like their brownies with a texture that’s similar to cake, while others like them dense and chewy. I’m in the latter crowd.

I say if you I want a brownie that’s a bit more spongy, go crash a child’s birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese’s and get yourself a slice of chocolate cake.

If you’re like me and enjoy chewy brownies, then Jack in the Box’s new Brownie Bites aren’t for you. Actually, if you’re a fan of any kind of brownies, then Jack in the Box’s Brownie Bites aren’t for you. Well, unless you’re a fan of dry happiness-draining brownies.

The only time brownies have ever wiped the smile on my face was when I forgot to add eggs to the brownie mix and I ended up with brownies that resembled, and were as hard as, what we call here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, pahoehoe lava.

Geology lesson bonus!

I didn’t expect Jack in the Box’s new Brownie Bites to be elegant made-from-scratch brownies from a reality show dessert chef trying to please three judges in order to not be eliminated, but I presumed they would be almost as good as brownies made using a Betty Crocker mix by an eighth grader in a home economics class.

Unfortunately, the Jack in the Box Brownie Bites didn’t meet my low expectations.

Again, they weren’t chewy, but that could’ve easily been forgiven if they had a nice chocolate flavor. However, as I chewed through each of the five pieces, I could feel the disappointment my taste buds were experiencing from the dessert’s unsatisfying chocolate flavor.

And after I was done with this dainty snack, all I could think about was how I wished it had chocolate chips baked in them or it came with a chocolate dipping sauce, both of which would’ve enhanced the flavor.

But all is not bad with Jack in the Box’s Brownie Bites. They’re served warm so if you buy two Brownie Bites servings, each of which contains five pieces, you can stick one on every fingertip to keep them temporarily warm during these cold months. Also, they’re cheap enough that you can probably purchase it with the loose change you find under your car’s seat.

But if you do that, please look for the money before you go to the drive-thru.

Overall, I’m pretty sure I won’t be ordering Jack in the Box’s Brownie Bites again. With desserts, it should make you think, “Oh, what a wonderful way to end a meal!” or “That was so worth the calories!” But these brownie bites didn’t do either.

(Nutrition Facts – 288 calories, 115 calories from fat, 13 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 44 milligrams of cholesterol, 159 milligrams of sodium, 225 milligrams of potassium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 30 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Brownie Bites
Purchased Price: $1.19
Size: 5 bites
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Warm. Inexpensive. Bite-sized. Crashing birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese’s. Finding money under your car seat. Droppin’ geology knowledge on y’all.
Cons: Edible, but not delightful. Dry. Unsatisfying chocolate flavor. Had a more cake-like texture than chewy. Not a good way to end a meal.

It’s hard for me to look at the Jack in the Box Loaded Breakfast Sandwich and not think to myself, “My goodness…If only Jack in the Box used pancakes as buns. Because if they did they would’ve taken an entire Lions Club Easter Pancake Breakfast and turned it into a sandwich.”

However, instead of pancakes, Jack’s latest limited time only menu item uses the fast food chain’s signature sourdough bread. Along with Jack’s sourdough, which San Franciscans sneer at, the Loaded Breakfast Sandwich contains two fried eggs, a sausage patty, slices of bacon, a slice of ham, and two slices of American cheese.

Yes, it’s a farm of a sandwich, but it’s not a huge one. With layer upon layer upon layer of pig, chicken, and cow products, it ended up being tall, but not very wide. My mouth wished a beef and/or chicken patty was included to make the sandwich more loaded than a Jersey Shore cast member on a Friday night. However, my heart disagreed because it would’ve caused the sandwich to have a sodium content equal to a mouthful of sea water.

Actually, I’m not sure how much sodium is in a mouthful of sea water, because I’m not René Quinton or inclined to find out.

What I do know is that the Jack in the Box Loaded Breakfast Sandwich, nutrition-wise, is a bit more ultimate than Jack’s Ultimate Breakfast Sandwich, which has two fried eggs, two slices of American cheese, two slices of ham, and two slices of bacon on a sesame seed bun. The loaded sandwich has about 200 more calories, almost twice the fat, two-thirds more saturated fat, and 100 more milligrams of sodium.

Suck it, Jack in the Box Ultimate Breakfast Sandwich!

While taking my first bite of the sandwich, I didn’t notice the three forms of pork, the greasy sourdough bun, or the orange cheese. The first thing I noticed about the sandwich was how squishy it was. It’s not like squeezing a boob or anything like that, but there was a springiness to it thanks to the spongy fried eggs in the middle of the sandwich.

The second thing I noticed was how much I was enjoying the Jack in the Box Loaded Breakfast Sandwich. It’s a bit salty and my doctor would choke me with his stethoscope in anger and yell, “Oh, you want to make your heart work harder, I’ll make your heart work harder,” if he saw me eating it, but it’s a wonderful savory sandwich.

There’s no sauce to get in the way of the swine and fried developing chicken embryos, so there’s nothing to mask the flavor of the meat and eggs slapped between the two sourdough slices. The eggs were slightly rubbery, but the cooked yolks provided a bit a flavor. None of the pork products overpowered each other, they all created a nice balanced flavor. The American cheese did its usual job of doing absolutely nothing in terms of flavor, while the toasted sourdough provided a little butteriness.

The Loaded Breakfast Sandwich is, by far, the unhealthiest item you can currently order off of the Jack in the Box breakfast menu, but it is soooo tasty. So while it’s around, make like Cookie Monster and say to yourself the Jack in the Box Loaded Breakfast Sandwich is a sometimes food.

(Nutrition Facts – 707 calories, 47 grams of fat, 15 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 517 milligrams of cholesterol, 1691 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 36 grams of protein..)

Other Jack in the Box Loaded Breakfast Sandwich reviews:
So Good Blog

Item: Jack in the Box Loaded Breakfast Sandwich
Purchased Price: $3.99
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: A wonderful savory sandwich. French scientist reference! Made up of pig, chicken, and cow products. More ultimate than Jack’s Ultimate Breakfast Sandwich. Lions Club Easter Pancake Breakfasts.
Cons: Unhealthiest breakfast item on Jack in the Box’s menu. Cheese provides no flavor. Awesome source of sodium and fat. Greasy. Didn’t use pancakes as sandwich buns.

Look at the photo above of Jack in the Box’s new Sourdough Cheesesteak Melt. It looks like I had someone sit on the sandwich before taking a picture of it, but I assure you I didn’t.

Nor did I throw it into a zoo’s elephant exhibit, nonchalantly toss it on the Talladega Superspeedway’s track during a NASCAR race, or place it in front of an Apple Store’s doors right before the launch of a new iPhone. But it sure looks like I did.

Jack’s sourdough sandwiches, like the Sourdough Jack, aren’t large, but at least they have some height to them, which the Sourdough Cheesesteak Melt obviously lacks. But with its height deficiency one doesn’t have to open their mouth very wide to stuff it in.

What the Sourdough Cheesesteak Melt doesn’t have are the typical lettuce and tomatoes, which could’ve propped up the top bun and make it appear taller, like stiletto heels on strippers. All that’s between the toasted sourdough are thinly sliced steak, grilled onions, fire-roasted red and green pepper, melted cheese, and a mayo onion sauce.

My stomach wants to let you know it wished Jack in the Box went the Carl’s Jr./Hardee’s route and placed the cheesesteak innards on top of a beef patty, or went a few steps more and added bacon, lettuce, and tomato to make it the BLT Sourdough Cheesesteak Jumbo Jack Melt.

The thin steak slices were chopped up into small bite-size pieces. Most of them glistened with grease, like the chests at an all-male revue, while some looked dry like beef jerky or the elderly chests of lifelong sunbathers, but all of it was, for the most part, tender. There was a good amount of onions and peppers, which were chopped into slices that made it difficult for them to fall out of the sandwich.

The Swiss-style cheese was melted to the point that it could be mistaken for the mayo onion sauce. It was also a wonderful adhesive that prevented ingredients from falling out of the sandwich. As for the Jack’s toasted sourdough bun, it was its usual greasy self.

The Sourdough Cheesesteak Melt is an homage to the Philly cheesesteak, but I’m not sure it does a great job representing the iconic sandwich. With some bites, the vegetables made the sandwich taste like a supreme pizza. The Swiss-style cheese didn’t taste like Swiss cheese, instead it had more of a nondescript cheese flavor. The sourdough bun was more greasy than sourdough-y, which has been the case with many of Jack’s sourdough sandwiches I’ve had recently. But when the sandwich didn’t taste like a supreme pizza, the meat, cheese, and vegetables created a pleasant fast food sandwich.

However, while Jack in the Box’s Sourdough Cheesesteak Melt was a decent sandwich, I’m pretty sure I won’t buy another because its flatness makes it hard to justify its price.

(Nutrition Facts – 456 calories, 220 calories from fat, 24 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 53 milligrams of cholesterol, 1385 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, and 22 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Sourdough Cheesesteak Melt
Purchased Price: $4.89 (sandwich only)*
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent fast food sandwich. Cheese keep the sandwich intact. Tender pieces of steak. Melted cheese. Good amount of vegetables. Flatness makes it easier to stuff into mouth.
Cons: Flat sandwich. Size of sandwich makes it hard to justify the price. Sourdough bun is more greasy and buttery than sourdough-y. At times, it tasted like a supreme pizza.

*price might be slightly higher than what you’ll pay because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

Thanks to Jack in the Box’s new Mini Corn Dogs, I can now enjoy county fair food without having to deal with county fair crowds, county fair parking, county fair wait lines, and county fair vomit from county fair visitors riding county fair rides after eating county fair grub.

Of course, Jack in the Box picked one of the least exciting deep fried foods county fairs have to offer. A sausage dipped in cornmeal batter and then deep fried may have been a crazy idea in the 1950s, but, today, it’s overshadowed by dozens of foods you can’t believe have been dunked in hot oil, all of which Jack in the Box should’ve introduced instead. And here are 50 of them in no particular order:

Deep-Fried Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich
Deep-Fried Pineapple Rings
Deep-Fried Oreos
Deep-Fried Cereal Bars
Deep-Fried Spam
Deep-Fried Trix Cereal
Deep-Fried Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cereal
Deep-Fried Brownies
Deep-Fried Fruity Pebbles
Deep-Fried Bubble Gum
Deep-Fried Salsa
Deep-Fried Avocado
Deep-Fried Twinkies
Deep-Fried Coke
Deep-Fried Cheese Curds
Deep-Fried Dill Pickles
Deep-Fried Ice Cream
Deep-Fried Snickers
Deep-Fried Mac & Cheese
Deep-Fried Latte
Deep-Fried Cookie Dough
Deep-Fried Guacamole
Deep-Fried Beer

…

Oh, I’m sorry. I just threw up in my mouth a little. Back to the list.

Deep-Fried Cheeseburger
Deep-Fried Cinnamon Rolls
Deep-Fried Red Velvet Cake
Deep-Fried Skittles
Deep-Fried Jolly Ranchers
Deep-Fried Gravy
Deep-Fried Watermelon
Deep-Fried Cap’n Crunch
Deep-Fried Pudding
Deep-Fried Caramel Apples
Deep-Fried Energy Drink
Deep-Fried Grilled Cheese Sandwiches
Deep-Fried Girl Scout Thin Mints
Deep-Fried Girl Scout Samoas
Deep-Fried Butter
Deep-Fried Kool-Aid Balls
Deep-Fried Klondike Bar
Deep-Fried S’mores
Deep-Fried Corn on the Cob
Deep-Fried Cheesecake
Deep-Fried Bacon
Deep-Fried Lasagna
Deep-Fried PB&J & Banana Sandwich
Deep-Fried Milky Way
Deep-Fried Hostess Ho Ho
Deep-Fried Hostess Cupcake
Deep-Fried Pop-Tarts

An order of Jack’s Mini Corn Dogs came with five pieces that weren’t on sticks like county fair corn dogs. Each bite-sized corn dog was about two inches long and an inch wide. All looked like they were lovingly dipped in scalding oil, which created a crispy, golden brown crust.

The sausage inside wasn’t good enough to make me yell out the easily misinterpreted words, “I WANT MORE SAUSAGE IN MY MOUTH!” However, its savoriness went well with the sweetness of the Mini Corn Dogs’ crispy exterior. The snack comes with either ketchup or mustard. I prefer mine with mustard, but they were good with ketchup.

Jack in the Box’s Mini Corn Dogs are a nice addition to Jack’s snack lineup, which also includes stuffed jalapeños, egg rolls, and mozzarella cheese sticks. Unfortunately, they’ll also be an unpleasant deletion from Jack’s snack lineup since they’re available for a limited time.

I hope these Mini Corn Dogs sell well enough that Jack in the Box decides to bring them back again or makes them a permanent menu item. Or I hope they sell enough of them that Jack decides to give their other products the county fair food treatment and perhaps make a deep-fried Sourdough Jack.

(Nutrition Facts – Not on website yet.)

Item: Jack in the Box Mini Corn Dogs
Purchased Price: $1.99
Size: 5 pieces
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Wonderful combination of sweet and savory. Inexpensive. Great with mustard; good with ketchup. Crispy exterior. No sticks. Deep-fried Sourdough Jack.
Cons: Available for a limited time. One of the most boring county fair foods. Sausage isn’t memorable. County fair vomit. Creating a bucket list that includes the list of deep-fried foods in this review.

Haffles.

I think that’s what I’m going to call the waffles Jack in the Box uses as buns for their new Waffle Breakfast Sandwich.

Or, maybe, waffakeles. Okay, maybe not.

Why haffles? Well, it’s as if Jack’s waffle iron doesn’t have a top or a Dr. Moreau-type successfully combined a waffle with a pancake, because one side looks like an Eggo, but if you flip it over, it’s as flat as a table.

So if you happen to be in the extremely rare situation where you don’t have a coin to flip and need to determine who bats and who bowls in a game of cricket, but have a Jack in the Box Waffle Breakfast Sandwich, you can flip the bun. Actually, since cart-wheeling stump, corridor of uncertainty, cow corner, dibble doubly, flat-track bully, luncheon, mullygrubber, pie chucker, platinum duck, rib tickler, and silly nanny are all cricket terms, “flip the bun” might already be one.

Jack in the Box’s Waffle Breakfast Sandwich features a fried egg, American cheese, and Jack’s new country-grilled sausage in between two lightly sweetened maple haffles. Jack in the Box isn’t the first fast food chain to use starchy breakfast food as buns for a breakfast sandwich. Dunkin’ Donuts offered a waffle sandwich and one that used French toast. Also, McDonald’s has their McGriddles, which use pancakes. Personally, I’m waiting for someone to come out with a breakfast sandwich that uses hash browns as buns.

Although the nutrition facts for Jack’s Waffle Breakfast Sandwich look like it’s for a hefty burger, the sandwich is a bit small. So if you believe breakfast is the most important meal of the day, I’d suggest you order the combo with hash brown sticks and a drink since the sandwich by itself isn’t a filling meal.

The haffles and country-grilled sausage create a wonderful balance of sweet and savory. I don’t remember what Jack’s old breakfast sausage tasted like (or whether it was grilled in the city), so I don’t know if the new stuff is an improvement, but I did enjoy its flavor and texture. The haffles didn’t have a crispy exterior like most waffles, instead it was as limp as a handshake between Indian and Pakistani cricket players. As for their flavor, I don’t know if I would consider them to be maple-y. However, I do think they were perfectly sweetened to complement the sausage.

The American cheese was like Major Toht’s face in Raiders of the Lost Ark — melted beyond recognition. It also didn’t have much flavor. As for the fried egg, its flavor was noticeable, but my tastebuds mostly ignored it and focused on the sweet haffles and savory sausage.

I can’t say I’ve enjoyed Jack in the Box’s other breakfast sandwiches, so I ordered the Breakfast Waffle Sandwich with low expectations. But, it was, surprisingly, very good. Or as they say in cricket, it was a Michelle.

(Nutrition Facts – 479 calories, 306 calories from fat, 33 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 271 milligrams of cholesterol, 983 milligrams of sodium, 230 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, and 19 grams of protein.)

Other Jack in the Box Waffle Breakfast Sandwich reviews:
So Good Blog
Brand Eating

Item: Jack in the Box Waffle Breakfast Sandwich
Purchased Price: $5.69 (small combo)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Very good. Great balance of sweet and savory. Available all day. Finally, a fast food sandwich with completely melted cheese. Cricket references. A Michelle.
Cons: Available for a limited time. Smallish. Indo-Pakistani relations. Awesome source of sodium. Awesome source of trans fat. Waffles were haffles.