REVIEW: Kraft Easy Mac with Bacon Cups

Are you tired of being overweight? Are you tired of not having the financial freedom that you want? Are you able to lose weight, but still a broke ass mofo? Are you livin’ large, but also livin’ large?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, the FLIMFLAM Plan might be right for you. The Financial and Loot Increase Mixed with Fat Loss thru Accurate Manipulation Plan is not just a weight loss strategy and it’s not just a economic program — it’s a lifestyle change that gives you the body of a supermodel with enough money to buy the superficial things that you deserve.

Do you wish to be skinny enough that no prison cell can hold you and have enough money to bribe people? Would you like to have the ability to hide your entire body behind a lamp post or a telephone pole and buy a five gallon tub of mustard just because you can?

If you replied with a “yes” to any of these questions, the FLIMFLAM Plan is what you need to turn your body skinny and your wallet fat. Some of you might be saying to yourself that the FLIMFLAM Plan sounds difficult and there’s probably many steps, but it has only one step and that step kills two birds with one stone. We leave the multi-step plans with the alcoholics and sex addicts.

How much would you expect to pay for a program like this? Thousands of dollars? Hundreds of dollars? What if I told you that for about five dollars a day you can get the body that you want with the financial security that you deserve? You’d probably say I’m crazy, but you know what’s crazy? Wasting five dollars a day on a Starbucks coffee or spending five dollars to feed an entire Ethiopian village for a year. With that five dollars, you can some closer to looking like an Olsen twin and have a fraction of the fortune they have.

The secret of the FLIMFLAM Plan is its one step, which is to eat only one Kraft Easy Mac with Bacon Cup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Its inexpensive price will give you the money you need to buy whatever impulsive purchase you want and its small portion will help you lose the extra weight, and probably muscle, that you don’t want.

The Kraft Easy Mac with Bacon Cup is quick and easy to make. All you need to do is fill the cup with water to the fill-line in the cup, microwave it for three and a half minutes, and mix in the powdered cheese sauce. The FLIMFLAM Plan not only saves you money and helps you lose weight, it also gives you more time to spend with your family, friends, WoW guild, or that special someone you don’t want your significant other to find out about.

The powered cheese sauce contains the bacon bits, but once it’s stirred with the macaroni, it’s difficult to see any. It’s like trying to find Waldo or Tila Tequila at a troll convention. It’s only when you take a bite of it that you’ll notice the tiny bits of bacon, which adds a very slight smokey flavor to the feast of cheese and perfectly cooked macaroni. The very slight smokey flavor did help the cheese sauce which was a bit watered down and not as strong as I hoped, but the Kraft Easy Mac with Bacon Cup tasted as well as I expected it to taste.

So what are you waiting for? If you want to save money and lose weight at the same time, order the FLIMFLAM Plan today!

(Fine Print: FLIMFLAM Plan is not recommended by the FDA. Side effects may include malnourishment, high blood pressure, a nauseating feeling when around cheese, a nauseating feeling when around macaroni, messy microwaves, and an urge to sing the Oscar Mayer song.)

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – 220 calories, 4.5 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 580 milligrams of sodium, 38 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 grams of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein, 0% Vitamin A, 0% Vitamin C, 6% Calcium, 8% Iron, and 10 grams of almost instant satisfaction.)

Item: Kraft Easy Mac with Bacon Cups
Price: $1.29
Size: 2.05 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting. Quick and easy to make. Inexpensive. Being able to buy five gallons of mustard because you can.
Cons: Small portion. Cheese sauce was not as strong as I hoped. Bacon bits were small tiny. Sodium is high for something so small. Doing the FLIMFLAM Plan.

Kraft Cheddar Macaroni & Cheese Crackers

Somewhere on this vast planet we call Earth, there is a lazy macaroni and cheese lover who is thinking they can now have the goodness of their favorite food without the damn preparation with these new Kraft Cheddar Macaroni & Cheese Crackers. I applaud that person for their desire to be the laziest fucker on the planet, a title I twice attempted to achieve when I was too lazy pick up the remote control which was at my feet and tried to change channel with my toes and when I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom and peed in a large tumbler I was drinking from that was half full with apple juice.

The Kraft Cheddar Macaroni & Cheese Crackers are like Goldfish, except without the cuteness, like Cheese Nips, expect without the unintentional derogatory language, and like Cheez-It crackers, except without the poor second grade level spelling error. Unfortunately for the lazy bastard who loves Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, these crackers didn’t really taste like their favorite comfort food, instead they tasted just like Cheez-It crackers. However, if you love the taste of Cheez-It crackers, but are a grammar Nazi or annoyed with the hole in the middle of each Cheez-It, these elbow macaroni shaped cheese crackers might just be for you.

Despite having the iconic “Kraft Macaroni & Cheese” name supporting it, ampersand included, I wasn’t too impressed with the Kraft Cheddar Macaroni & Cheese Crackers because they tasted like other cheese flavored crackers. They were good and I had fun sucking the orange powder from my fingers, but they just don’t represent good old Kraft Mac & Cheese very well. They were crunchy, although not as crunchy as uncooked elbow macaroni. Just like my ego and Whitney Houston’s crackhead teeth, each hollow cracker was quite brittle and perhaps that was the reason why there were a lot of broken pieces in the box I purchased.

Now that there are Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Crackers, I’m hoping for either Kraft Cheese Whiz Crackers or Velveeta Crackers, just so that all processed cheese products can have their own crunchy cracker to call their own.

(Nutrition Facts – 40 pieces – 150 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 280 milligrams of sodium, 45 milligrams of potassium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 grams of fiber, 1 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 4% calcium, 6% iron, and 5 orange tipped fingers.)

Item: Kraft Cheddar Macaroni & Cheese Crackers
Price: $3.00
Size:: 8 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good. Crunchy. Made with real cheddar cheese. Sucking my fingers. Cheez-It necklace. Real mac and cheese with mushrooms and ham.
Cons: Uninspired taste. Hollow and brittle. Tastes like Cheez-It crackers. Not as cute as Goldfish. Cheddar cheese in powder form. Grammar Nazi. Being the laziest fucker on the planet.

Kraft Basil Vinaigrette Pasta Salad

During my last shopping adventure, it occurred to me that every salad I ate was actually clogging my heart. There’s the macaroni salad I have with Hawaiian barbecue, the potato salad I have with fried chicken, the tuna salad I have with parmesan bread, and the hot dog salad that I invented after it came to me in a dream. As I pondered whether that website telling me that I would die in three years was correct, I came across a beautiful box of Kraft Basil Vinaigrette Pasta Salad.

I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t drawn in by the shiny packaging. The gold lettering and fancy fonts on the box made it look like something pirates would bury on a remote island. I don’t really like medleys of vegetables or vinaigrettes, but I simply could not resist the festive colors and the promise of something gourmet.

Since it contains zucchini, black olives, green and red bell peppers, tomatoes, and carrots, I figured it would be a healthy alternative to my dietary doldrums of potato chips and Slim Jims. This was before I realized that pasta salad is just another type of “salad” that consists of fat and starch. There’s not enough vegetables in the whole thing to even add up to one serving.

It was at this point that I looked into my mirror, which happens to be a distorted one that makes me appear muscular, and realized that I would never be able to eat healthy. I’m just like a burnt out, single mother who comes to terms with the fact that she’ll always pick the bad boys. Sort of…okay, maybe that isn’t the best analogy. What I’m trying to say is that even when I think I’m eating healthy, buying anything from a box and adding oil isn’t going to earn me any favors with the Weight Watchers people.

Thankfully, the process of creating the pasta salad is very simple and effective. You just boil the pasta for a few minutes and then add it to a mixing bowl with some olive oil and the season packet. After throwing in the dehydrated vegetables, you let it rest for a few hours until it is cool and the roughage is soft. What you get rewarded with is a fairly tasty pasta salad that manages to stay firm and separated. Even with the glossy sheen, it is not at all oily. The vinaigrette is tangy and has a fairly strong basil taste, so lovers of basil should enjoy this immensely.

Overall, it is a solid and impressive product that is put over the top by the sheer awesomeness of its glorious packaging. It is a nice change of pace for anyone looking for a new side dish. Perhaps most importantly of all, it is another tasty yet unhealthy salad that will probably kill me.

That alone is priceless.

(Nutritional Facts – 1/5 box – 200 calories, 9 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 mg of cholesterol, 480mg sodium, 26 grams of carbs, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 4% Vitamin A, 8% Vitamin C, 2% Calcium, and 8% Iron)

Item: Kraft Basil Vinaigrette Pasta Salad
Price: $2.50
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Pasta stays firm even after cooking and coating. Vinaigrette is adequately tangy and flavorful. Very easy to make. Mirrors that make you appear more attractive than you really are.
Cons: Another “salad” that is not in any way good for you. Dehydrated vegetables don’t add a lot of flavor or texture. Being like a burnt out single mother who chooses the bad boys. Fearing your own mortality after searching for fun websites.

REVIEW: Kraft Easy Mac Cups

Kraft Easy Mac Cups

There’s something about foods in microwavable bowls that are appealing. I guess it’s because those tubby little bastards are just so damn cute.

Roly-poly, if you will.

Look at how cute the Kraft Easy Mac Cup is in the picture above. It makes me was to pinch its cheeks and say things with a lot of vowels in a high-pitched voice, like “goo-goo,” “ga-ga,” “poo-poo,” “wee-wee,” and “meep-meep,” which either makes me sound like I got kicked in the balls or I turned into Beaker from The Muppet Show.

Kraft Easy Mac Cups are so cute that it makes me want to say other things in a high-pitched voice that I know they won’t understand, like “You’re a good little microwavable bowl. Yes, you are. Yes, you are. You’re so cute, I could eat you all up, and I will after I microwave you for about three and a half minutes in water and stir in the powder cheese sauce. Yes, I will. Yes, I will.”

They also make me want to hug and squeeze them like they were little furry animals, but not too hard, because just like squeezing little furry animals too hard, squeezing foods in microwavable bowls too hard will cause their innards to come out.

You know what else is cute about the Kraft Easy Mac Cups? The cute tiny elbow macaroni inside, which look like albino Snork snorkels.

It seems like almost everything about the Kraft Easy Mac Cups are cute, from the chubby bowl to the ingredient monosodium glutamate. Come on, admit it. “Glutamate” is such a cute word to say in a high-pitched voice.

Glutamate. Glutamate.

The instructions are also very cute and drunken Tara Reid easy. Just pull off the cute lid, pull out the cute cheese powder packet, fill the cute cup with water up to the cute designated line, stick the cute cup in a cute microwave for a cute three and a half minutes, pull out of the cute microwave, add the cute cheese powder packet, stir throughly, and consume cutely with a cute fork or cute spoon.

Besides being cute and easy, the Kraft Easy Mac Cups were also tasty and cheap. Who knew that the kindergarden equation of Powder + A Little Water = Paste would turn into something more cheesirific than the white, bland paste I remember eating years ago, during my artsy paper-mache mask making phase.

However, I have to admit that sometimes being cute isn’t so cute.

I didn’t really care for the cute two-ounce serving size, which wasn’t enough for a meal, not even a cute one. Besides that, the less than one gram of dietary fiber wasn’t enough for me to make a cute toot from my cute tush. Also, the 700 milligrams of sodium was probably enough to make my blood pressure go from cute to acute.

But overall, the Kraft Easy Mac Cups make a cute side dish, a cute snack, or a cute hat for a monkey.

Item: Kraft Easy Mac Cups
Price: $1.25
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Cute. Quick and easy to make. Cheesirific. Kind of cheap. Cheesy paste. Makes a cute hat for a monkey.
Cons: Small serving size. High in sodium (700 mg). Low dietary fiber. Beaker constantly getting blown up. Me saying things in a high-pitched voice.