QUICK REVIEW: Sugar Cookie PEZ Candy

Sugar Cookie PEZ

What are Sugar Cookie PEZ?

Pressed dextrose hyperrectangles promising to taste like sweet, crisp sugar cookies. They are predominantly made of corn syrup and natural flavors and very well might steal a spot on your Santa cookie plate.

Sugar Cookie PEZ crunchies of sorrow

How are they?

Munching in, I’m… well, disheartened. It’s got the classic crunchy sweetness of PEZ, but tastes of very little. It’s not a sugar cookie flavor so much as it is a really crunchy Smartie. Not a fruity Smartie. The little taste-free white ones. Yes, it is very, very sugary (like a sugar cookie), but it comes without the key buttery nuttiness found in the aforementioned baked good.

I was hoping for something distinguishable, perhaps even a sweeter version of Popcorn Jelly Bellies, but these are just corn syrup with a bit of crunch and humbuggery.

Is there anything else you need to know?

These are admirably crunchy, yielding a chomp louder than four bowls of Cap’n Crunch. The dispenser also came with two other flavors so, if one doesn’t strike your fancy, you’ll still have a solid variety of others to give you a sugar burst throughout the day.

Sugar Cookie PEZ humbuggery


If you like to munch on unflavored, cavity-threatening sugar cubes straight from the bag, let it be known! PEZ has a flavor for you!

Yet, should you be hoping for a little more zing to your sugar cookie-inspired candy, these shall disappoint – they taste of very little aside from the corn syrup and don’t echo the buttery, nutty, sweet-and-salty majesty of sugar cookies enough to warrant them credit.

Moreover, if you leave Sugar Cookie PEZ out on your Christmas cookie plate, they’d make Santa sad. Don’t make Santa sad! Go getcha some Lofthouse cookies and don’t fret if you pass on these.

Sugar Cookie PEZ Pong

Purchased Price: $1.99
Size: 1 Dispenser with 6 Candy Packets
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 roll) 35 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium, 9 grams of carbohydrates, 0 gram of dietary fiber, 9 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.

Sanrio Hello Kitty PEZ Dispensers

I approached the checkout line at Target with caution. As a painfully neurotic and self-conscious person, I can get pretty freaked out about my shopping choices.

“Sir? I can help you over here,” a pleasant voice said, coming from the express line.

Damn it, stuck with the young, cute cashier again. Always the least attentive and most judgmental cashier available − too attractive to have a filter and too curious to leave me alone. The worst combination possible.

I tiptoed over slowly, put my hands in my pockets and said, “Uhh…yeah, I’ll just take everything in the basket. If you could just look to the left and blindly scan as quickly as possible, that’d be awesome.”

She laughed, “Sir, we can’t do that.”

As I was busy shifting my eyes side to side and fidgeting, she said, “Hey, what’s this?”

“IT’S FOR MY GIRLFRIEND!” I exclaimed, not knowing what she picked up.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I guess it’s a little personal,” she remarked, picking up a bottle of KY warming jelly.

Thank God. I wiped my forehead and casually quipped, “Oh, that? It’s just lube. I’m really sorry, I get a little defensive this time of year.”

She raised her eyebrows and went back to the basket to pick up a few more items. “Three bottles?”

I squinted my eyes and nodded, “Yeah. In addition to a little defensive, I get a lot of other emotions as well.”

Then her hand went for the last item in the basket. My heart raced. Holy shit, she was really going to see it. I braced myself as she looked at it.

Her eyes lit up. “Wow, this is cute! What is it?”

I slowly shook my head and pretended to look puzzled, saying, “Wow. That’s…that’s crazy, how did that get in there? Oh wait, I think I got that for my…my…valentine?”

“Is your valentine a ten year old girl?” she asked.

I sighed. The jig was up. I explained, “Look, it’s a collection of Hello Kitty PEZ dispensers, okay? Not only does it have three Hello Kitty designs, it also has a bunny thing confusingly named My Melody. Her ears kind of look like one of those giant foam fingers that you get at baseball games and Phoenix Wright conventions, so I thought it was pretty cool. I was just buying the other stuff so that maybe you wouldn’t notice the box.”

“Aww…you didn’t have to do that. You shouldn’t be embarrassed to like a kid’s candy,” she replied.

I felt the need to further incriminate myself by saying, “Well, that’s the thing. I don’t really like PEZ. It’s basically colored sugar in brick form and the bonus candy bracelet is just about the most unsanitary method of eating I can think of. The box is really cool, though. I bet it’ll sell for a lot on eBay.”

She was beginning to look tired of feigning interest, saying, “Yeah…I mean, yeah, I guess it is. Well, I hope you enjoy your Valentine’s Day.”

I got over the embarrassment of my purchase and found the courage to ask, “Hey…if you’re not doing anything that day, maybe I pick you up at around 7:30?”

She stared at me blankly for few moments and began to crack a smile. The smile turned into giggle which turned into a cacophony of laughter. She shook her head and tore out the receipt, saying, “You’re hilarious, have a nice day!”

I took my bag and made a beeline for the exit. I whispered under my breath, “God…this is just as humiliating as Christmas shopping at the 99 Cent Store, just with higher prices and fewer rapists.”

Despite my troubles, I left Target with my head held up high. I didn’t have my manhood, dignity, or a Valentine’s Day date, but I had something that money can’t buy. The pride of having a lunchbox full of glass Hello Kitty PEZ dispensers, and really, that’s at least one more thing than I had last Valentine’s Day.

Item: Sanrio Hello Kitty PEZ Dispensers
Price: $9.99
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Fun design and shapes that kids and nerds can appreciate. Comes in an adorable tin box. Well made glass material. Might be worth something to a socially awkward collector on eBay.
Cons: PEZ is pretty plain and doesn’t taste very interesting. PEZ candy can probably destroy your fillings. Attractive cashiers who question the things that you buy.