Sanrio Hello Kitty PEZ Dispensers

I approached the checkout line at Target with caution. As a painfully neurotic and self-conscious person, I can get pretty freaked out about my shopping choices.

“Sir? I can help you over here,” a pleasant voice said, coming from the express line.

Damn it, stuck with the young, cute cashier again. Always the least attentive and most judgmental cashier available − too attractive to have a filter and too curious to leave me alone. The worst combination possible.

I tiptoed over slowly, put my hands in my pockets and said, “Uhh…yeah, I’ll just take everything in the basket. If you could just look to the left and blindly scan as quickly as possible, that’d be awesome.”

She laughed, “Sir, we can’t do that.”

As I was busy shifting my eyes side to side and fidgeting, she said, “Hey, what’s this?”

“IT’S FOR MY GIRLFRIEND!” I exclaimed, not knowing what she picked up.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I guess it’s a little personal,” she remarked, picking up a bottle of KY warming jelly.

Thank God. I wiped my forehead and casually quipped, “Oh, that? It’s just lube. I’m really sorry, I get a little defensive this time of year.”

She raised her eyebrows and went back to the basket to pick up a few more items. “Three bottles?”

I squinted my eyes and nodded, “Yeah. In addition to a little defensive, I get a lot of other emotions as well.”

Then her hand went for the last item in the basket. My heart raced. Holy shit, she was really going to see it. I braced myself as she looked at it.

Her eyes lit up. “Wow, this is cute! What is it?”

I slowly shook my head and pretended to look puzzled, saying, “Wow. That’s…that’s crazy, how did that get in there? Oh wait, I think I got that for my…my…valentine?”

“Is your valentine a ten year old girl?” she asked.

I sighed. The jig was up. I explained, “Look, it’s a collection of Hello Kitty PEZ dispensers, okay? Not only does it have three Hello Kitty designs, it also has a bunny thing confusingly named My Melody. Her ears kind of look like one of those giant foam fingers that you get at baseball games and Phoenix Wright conventions, so I thought it was pretty cool. I was just buying the other stuff so that maybe you wouldn’t notice the box.”

“Aww…you didn’t have to do that. You shouldn’t be embarrassed to like a kid’s candy,” she replied.

I felt the need to further incriminate myself by saying, “Well, that’s the thing. I don’t really like PEZ. It’s basically colored sugar in brick form and the bonus candy bracelet is just about the most unsanitary method of eating I can think of. The box is really cool, though. I bet it’ll sell for a lot on eBay.”

She was beginning to look tired of feigning interest, saying, “Yeah…I mean, yeah, I guess it is. Well, I hope you enjoy your Valentine’s Day.”

I got over the embarrassment of my purchase and found the courage to ask, “Hey…if you’re not doing anything that day, maybe I pick you up at around 7:30?”

She stared at me blankly for few moments and began to crack a smile. The smile turned into giggle which turned into a cacophony of laughter. She shook her head and tore out the receipt, saying, “You’re hilarious, have a nice day!”

I took my bag and made a beeline for the exit. I whispered under my breath, “God…this is just as humiliating as Christmas shopping at the 99 Cent Store, just with higher prices and fewer rapists.”

Despite my troubles, I left Target with my head held up high. I didn’t have my manhood, dignity, or a Valentine’s Day date, but I had something that money can’t buy. The pride of having a lunchbox full of glass Hello Kitty PEZ dispensers, and really, that’s at least one more thing than I had last Valentine’s Day.

Item: Sanrio Hello Kitty PEZ Dispensers
Price: $9.99
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Fun design and shapes that kids and nerds can appreciate. Comes in an adorable tin box. Well made glass material. Might be worth something to a socially awkward collector on eBay.
Cons: PEZ is pretty plain and doesn’t taste very interesting. PEZ candy can probably destroy your fillings. Attractive cashiers who question the things that you buy.

22 thoughts to “Sanrio Hello Kitty PEZ Dispensers”

  1. There’s nothing like a humiliating shopping experience to make you appreciate the anonymity of buying stuff via the internet. Condoms, lube, embarrassing fashions, porn…bring it on, baby! Of course, self check out might also do the trick, but I don’t know if Target offers that.

  2. Self check out kinda works, except there’s always a captain that has to check your receipt… They always give you a little bit of a knowing nod when you buy cough syrup, condoms, or anything of that nature. Its always humiliating… that part of the experience!

  3. Although I am whiter than Hillary, I would just tell them I am Japanese. I would win 3 points for turning and awkward situation into an awkward and confusing situation.

  4. Man, that’s nothing. I (obsessively) collect pez, and I too know the embarrassment of asking the cute girl at the candy shop to ring me up.

    With the complete Disney Princess pez set.

  5. What? No Badtz-Maru? That’s a retarded Hello Kitty product…and when I say “retarded”, I mean it in the “duh, duh, duh” way, not in the “it can do anything cuz it’s special” way. No Badtz, no Kitty.

  6. OMG — LOL! “God…this is just as humiliating as Christmas shopping at the 99 Cent Store, just with higher prices and less rapists.”

    Hmm next time you buy HK stuff just say it is for Susu. I am a big fan of the no-mouth kitty.

  7. At least the cashier talked to you, they usually just sneer indifferently at me and mumble the speach about applying for a Target card.. I think they are jealous of my all natural-not-from-silicone..well, you take it from there..

  8. Was the candy bracelet made out of Pez candy or just the usual chalky sweet tarts type candy? Also, what was imprinted on the rectangular “tag” in the middle of the bracelet?

    Ace, you’re an American male of a certain age, how could you not know that by taking the dispensers out of their packaging you have rendered your collector’s item worthless?!

  9. I didn’t know cashiers could comment on whatever you buy. I always thought it was some kind of confidentiality thing,like the Hippocratic Oath…except for cashiers.

    Anyhoo,those Pez dispensers are sooo cute!

  10. Ace, i can’t believe your A game didn’t work. And we all know the cashiers at target are all chubby.

  11. Testing out my re-uploaded gravatar here…no witty comments to share, except to say that Ace is being LAZY about responding to comments! It’s not finals time yet, Ace, you have no excuses!

  12. Hey man. If you haven’t heard of it yet, DreamStudio’s holding a Valentines competition. Entitled “What is love?” the contest has a lot of exciting prizes up for grabs, including a limited edition Hello Kitty USB drive! You can check out the competition’s details here if you have the time. 🙂

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