REVIEW: SoBe Pure Water (Watermelon, Black Cherry & Golden Pineapple)

Sobe Pure Water (Watermelon, Black Cherry & Golden PIneapple)

According to my computer’s built-in dictionary, the word “pure” is defined as:

1. Not mixed or adulterated with any other substance or material.
2. Without any extraneous and unnecessary elements.

If we were to go by those definitions, SoBe Pure Water isn’t at all pure, since it’s not only made with water, but also erythritol, citric acid, natural flavor, calcium lactate, potassium citrate, sea salt, purified stevia extract, tartaric acid, and lactic acid. With that many ingredients, it’s as if SoBe’s benchmark for pure was a rock band groupie.

Perhaps there’s a third definition in the unabridged Oxford English Dictionary that goes something like this:

3. A BS term marketing folks use for products that have no calories, no colors, no preservatives, and no artificial sweeteners.

SoBe Pure comes in three flavors: Watermelon, Golden Pineapple, and Black Cherry. And they’re available exclusively at Target. If you don’t have a Target nearby, you’re S.O.L., which I believe the unabridged Oxford English Dictionary defines as: Settling for Other Liquids.

Each SoBe Pure is enhanced with “a drop of flavor.” But if my math is correct, which it always isn’t because I’m not a stereotypical Asian, a drop shouldn’t be able to create a level of flavor that these SoBe Pure waters have. Their flavors aren’t as strong as SoBe Lifewater, but the difference between the two varieties of flavored SoBe water isn’t much.

SoBe Pure Watermelon is one of those flavors I’m not sure if I truly enjoy. It doesn’t taste like watermelon, but then again, everything “watermelon-flavored” doesn’t taste like watermelon. However, it tastes as if I was making out with a girl who just finished sucking on a Watermelon Jolly Rancher.

SoBe Pure Golden Pineapple is my favorite of the three flavors. Although its aroma is a bit flowery and artificial, it really tastes like someone grabbed a chunk of fresh pineapple, squeezed it over a 20-ounce bottle of water to extract a couple of drops of pineapple juice, recapped the water bottle, and then shook it to mix.

SoBe Pure Black Cherry smells decent, but it tastes vile. Imagine trying to get mo’ ‘tussin by putting some water in a bottle of cough syrup, shaking it, and then drinking it. That’s what SoBe Pure Black Cherry tastes like. I’ve gone through a fourth of the bottle and I won’t finish the rest because it’s quite disgusting.

Overall, SoBe Pure may be “natural with zero calories” and it may have electrolytes, but it doesn’t electrify me. If you’re looking for a lightly flavored water with no calories, no colors, no preservatives, and no artificial sweeteners that isn’t available everywhere, might I recommend Hint Water. They’re definitely a lot more natural tasting than SoBe Pure.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 30 milligrams of sodium, 4 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.)

Other SoBe Pure reviews:
Thirsty Dudes: Watermelon & Black Cherry
Drink What

Item: SoBe Pure Water (Watermelon, Black Cherry & Golden PIneapple)
Price: $1.00 (on sale)
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Watermelon)
Rating: 2 out of 10 (Black Cherry)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Golden Pineapple)
Pros: No calories, no colors, no preservatives, and no artificial sweeteners. Has electrolytes. Golden Pineapple was good. Watermelon was decent.
Cons: Black Cherry was vile. Target exclusive. Watermelon doesn’t taste like real watermelons. Scent of Golden Pineapple was flowery and artificial. Not really pure. Carrying an unabridged Oxford English Dictionary.

REVIEW: SoBe Black and Blue Berry Lifewater with PureVia

PureVia is the zero-calorie sugar replacement from PepsiCo made from a plant called stevia. A lot of people are talking about it like it’s the new, sexy stripper headlining every night at the club and it makes Splenda look like the 45-year-old hairy, mother-of-four stripper showing off her birthing canal during the least occupied hours at the strip club and using the stage name “Mama Mia.” The new SoBe Black and Blue Berry Lifewater is one of the few products currently sweetened with PureVia.

Oh. I should also mention that stevia-made sweeteners were once banned in the United States and is currently banned in Europe, Singapore and Hong Kong, but that won’t stop me from trying products made with stevia because I’ve consumed things much worse, like creamy alfredo ramen and David Caruso’s acting in CSI: Miami.

Since this particular SoBe Lifewater was blackberry and blueberry flavored I was hoping its taste would be so intense that it would beat my tongue black and blue, like it angered Chris Brown, but it had a mild berry flavor. Neither the blackberry nor the blueberry stood out.

It did have a slight grape-ish flavor, which might’ve been caused by the addition of grape seed extract or my desire to eat grapes at the time I was drinking it. While consuming this SoBe Lifewater I did notice something unusual about the beverage’s consistency, which felt slightly thicker than non-PureVia sweetened Lifewater, but I don’t know if the sugar substitute was the reason for it.

I found the flavor of the SoBe Black and Blue Berry Lifewater with PureVia to be pleasant and it didn’t seem to have any weird aftertaste usually found with artificially sweetened beverages. With zero calories, no sugar, 100% of my daily recommended allowance of Vitamin C and a nice flavor, it’s a beverage I would probably drink again. But unfortunately it isn’t strong enough to wash away David Caruso’s acting or the sight of a 45-year-old, well-used birthing canal.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 25 milligrams of sodium, 6 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 100% Vitamin C, 20% Vitamin E, 10% Niacin, 10% Vitamin B6, 10% Vitamin B12, and 10% Pantothenic Acid.)

(Note: Gigi reviewed the Fuji Apple Pear version of the PureVia-sweeteneed Lifewater. Here’s another review of all the flavors.)

Item: SoBe Lifewater Black and Blue Berry with PureVia
Price: $1.19 (with coupon)
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Pleasant flavor. Grape-ish flavor. Zero calories. Zero sugar. 100% Vitamin C.
Cons: Odd slightly thick consistency. Getting Chris Brown mad. A 45-year-old hairy, mother-of-four stripper. David Caruso’s acting in CSI: Miami. Stevia sweeteners are banned in Europe, Singapore and Hong Kong.

SoBe Life Water (Goji Melon, Agave Lemonade, Yuzu Black Currant)

SoBe Life Water’s three years of existence has been much like an Elton John concert — full of flamboyant colors and lots of costume changes. The image you see above is the third packaging for the SoBe Life Water, after their first one was too similar to Vitamin Water’s and their second was distracting, like a drag queen’s make up. It was also hard to read, and when I say “hard to read,” I really mean lame. So while stores everywhere get rid of the old bottles, SoBe’s new flavors — Goji Melon, Agave Lemonade, Yuzu Black Currant — come in bottles with simple labels that won’t get it confused with Vitamin Water or rolled eyes from graphic designers.

What’s also different with these new flavors is the use of exotic fruits with funny names that sound like they were made up. If it weren’t for Wikipedia, I wouldn’t believe these fruits exist. Because Yuzu sounds like the name of a female ninja who protects a young princess from evil forces who want to take over the kingdom she is heir to in some Japanese anime. Goji seems like the name of Yuzu’s clumsy male sidekick who adds a bit of comic relief to the anime and always gets into trouble, which Yuzu has to bail him out of. Finally, Agave sounds like it’s the supernatural power that gives Yuzu her special abilities and the only way to activate it is through a quick chant in an ancient alien language.

My favorite of the three flavors was the extremely drinkable Goji Melon, which if I could buy it in a Costco-sized ten-gallon drum, I would risk a hernia to pick it up and make room for it in my refrigerator. It had a sweet, slightly flowery smell and it tasted like the Japanese berry candy that used to get me fat when I was growing up. The Goji Melon also contains the herbal ingredients, Red Clover and Hibiscus. Red Clover has been used to treat the symptoms of menopause and helps with coughs, mouth ulcers, and sore throats.

So if you’re a 50-year-old female prostitute, I would suggest drinking this.

The Agave Lemonade reminded me of strawberry lemonade, a popular beverage you can get at any apostrophed, sit-down restaurant chain, like Chili’s, Applebee’s, or TGI Friday’s. It’s not even close to being as tart as an actual strawberry lemonade, but it’s just as refreshing. This flavor also contains energy drink ingredient staple Taurine and Yerba Mate.

My least favorite of the three was the Yuzu Black Currant, which tasted somewhat like raspberries. It’s my least favorite because when it got a little warm it smelled and tasted like a buttered popcorn Jelly Belly covered in raspberry jam. The Yuzu Black Currant Life Water also consists of antioxidant-filled Acai and Juniper, which has been used as an herbal remedy for urinary tract infections and as a female contraceptive by Native Americans.

So if you’re a female prostitute younger than 45 years old, I would suggest drinking this.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle (may vary with flavor) – 100 calories, 0 grams fat, 55 milligrams sodium, 41-42 grams sodium, 23-24 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 250% Vitamin C, 50% Vitamin E, 25% Niacin, 25% Vitamin B6, 25% Vitamin B12, 25% Pantothenic Acid, and 10 grams of Naomi Campbell’s anger.)

Item: SoBe Life Water (Goji Melon, Agave Lemonade, Yuzu Black Currant)
Price: $1.49 each
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Goji Melon)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Agave Lemonade)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Yuzu Black Currant)
Pros: Goji Melon was damn good. Agave Lemonade reminded me of strawberry lemonade. No High Fructose Corn Syrup. Good source of Vitamin C. Goji Melon and Yuzu Black Currant are good for 50-year-old prostitutes.
Cons: Yuzu Black Currant smelled and tasted like a buttered popcorn Jelly Belly when warm. Fruit names are weird. Labels don’t explain what they do, like Vitamin Water. The number of apostrophed restaurant chains. The previous packaging for SoBe Life Water. The name SoBe is lame.

Sobe Adrenaline Rush

Sobe Adrenaline Rush

Must finish review. Must not have two straight days without a review. I’m sooo tired.

Need caffeine. Where’s Jolt Cola when you need it?

Must settle for the 79 milligrams of caffeine in the Sobe Adrenaline Rush.

What the hell is Taurine, D-Ribose, L-Carnitine, Inositol, Guarana, and Panax Ginseng?

Must Google funny names. Must not fall asleep.

Taurine is an amino acid. D-Ribose is a simple sugar that begins the metabolic process. L-Carnitine is another amino acid. Inositol helps emulsify fats. Guarana is nut-like seed. Panax Ginseng is a dietary supplement.

What good is all that stuff if it doesn’t keep me up to finish this damn review.

Come on caffeine, kick in.

Must finish review. Must not fall asleep.

At least the Sobe Adrenaline Rush tastes pretty good, but it ain’t keeping me up.

Not even the 37 grams of carbs and 35 grams of sugar have kicked in.

I blame the damn Mountain Dew chuging contest. Who would’ve thought drinking an entire 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew in 1 minute and 56 seconds and staying up for 30 straight hours would affect me this much?

Damn, I sure could use another 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew, because this Sobe stuff ain’t cutting it.

Maybe I’m immune to caffeine.

Eh, I’ll make this review short. Sobe Adrenaline Rush. Tastes good. Made out of a few things I don’t know how to pronounce. 100% RDA of Vitamin C. Lots of sugar. Lots of carbs. Lots of caffeine. Blah, blah, blah.


Now I can go to sleep.

Item: Sobe Adrenaline Rush
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Tastes good. Lots of sugar, carbs, caffeine, and things I don’t know how to pronounce.
Cons: I am immune to caffeine. Can is small.