SoBe Life Water (Goji Melon, Agave Lemonade, Yuzu Black Currant)

SoBe Life Water’s three years of existence has been much like an Elton John concert — full of flamboyant colors and lots of costume changes. The image you see above is the third packaging for the SoBe Life Water, after their first one was too similar to Vitamin Water’s and their second was distracting, like a drag queen’s make up. It was also hard to read, and when I say “hard to read,” I really mean lame. So while stores everywhere get rid of the old bottles, SoBe’s new flavors — Goji Melon, Agave Lemonade, Yuzu Black Currant — come in bottles with simple labels that won’t get it confused with Vitamin Water or rolled eyes from graphic designers.

What’s also different with these new flavors is the use of exotic fruits with funny names that sound like they were made up. If it weren’t for Wikipedia, I wouldn’t believe these fruits exist. Because Yuzu sounds like the name of a female ninja who protects a young princess from evil forces who want to take over the kingdom she is heir to in some Japanese anime. Goji seems like the name of Yuzu’s clumsy male sidekick who adds a bit of comic relief to the anime and always gets into trouble, which Yuzu has to bail him out of. Finally, Agave sounds like it’s the supernatural power that gives Yuzu her special abilities and the only way to activate it is through a quick chant in an ancient alien language.

My favorite of the three flavors was the extremely drinkable Goji Melon, which if I could buy it in a Costco-sized ten-gallon drum, I would risk a hernia to pick it up and make room for it in my refrigerator. It had a sweet, slightly flowery smell and it tasted like the Japanese berry candy that used to get me fat when I was growing up. The Goji Melon also contains the herbal ingredients, Red Clover and Hibiscus. Red Clover has been used to treat the symptoms of menopause and helps with coughs, mouth ulcers, and sore throats.

So if you’re a 50-year-old female prostitute, I would suggest drinking this.

The Agave Lemonade reminded me of strawberry lemonade, a popular beverage you can get at any apostrophed, sit-down restaurant chain, like Chili’s, Applebee’s, or TGI Friday’s. It’s not even close to being as tart as an actual strawberry lemonade, but it’s just as refreshing. This flavor also contains energy drink ingredient staple Taurine and Yerba Mate.

My least favorite of the three was the Yuzu Black Currant, which tasted somewhat like raspberries. It’s my least favorite because when it got a little warm it smelled and tasted like a buttered popcorn Jelly Belly covered in raspberry jam. The Yuzu Black Currant Life Water also consists of antioxidant-filled Acai and Juniper, which has been used as an herbal remedy for urinary tract infections and as a female contraceptive by Native Americans.

So if you’re a female prostitute younger than 45 years old, I would suggest drinking this.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle (may vary with flavor) – 100 calories, 0 grams fat, 55 milligrams sodium, 41-42 grams sodium, 23-24 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 250% Vitamin C, 50% Vitamin E, 25% Niacin, 25% Vitamin B6, 25% Vitamin B12, 25% Pantothenic Acid, and 10 grams of Naomi Campbell’s anger.)

Item: SoBe Life Water (Goji Melon, Agave Lemonade, Yuzu Black Currant)
Price: $1.49 each
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Goji Melon)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Agave Lemonade)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Yuzu Black Currant)
Pros: Goji Melon was damn good. Agave Lemonade reminded me of strawberry lemonade. No High Fructose Corn Syrup. Good source of Vitamin C. Goji Melon and Yuzu Black Currant are good for 50-year-old prostitutes.
Cons: Yuzu Black Currant smelled and tasted like a buttered popcorn Jelly Belly when warm. Fruit names are weird. Labels don’t explain what they do, like Vitamin Water. The number of apostrophed restaurant chains. The previous packaging for SoBe Life Water. The name SoBe is lame.

17 thoughts to “SoBe Life Water (Goji Melon, Agave Lemonade, Yuzu Black Currant)”

  1. “So if you’re a 50-year-old female prostitute, I would suggest drinking this.”

    Thanks for tip, luv!

  2. I wondered why they had put this on sale at my local convenience store (with the old labels.) Now I know the rest of the story. The only one of these I tried is the one with caffiene…forget what it’s called…but it tastes pretty good.

  3. Sounds like these might come in handy when you’re hooking for Green Tea Kit Kats! I’ll have to keep my eyes peeled for them (But for different reasons..)

  4. I can’t keep all these various “flavored” straight. However, this Goji Melon stuff does sound pretty good. If I see it, I’ll pick it up.

  5. So if I see any middle-aged woman drinking this I will naturally assume she’s a prostitute.

    But hey, marketers, prostitutes are a potential target market too – they have disposible income to spend! (Apart from on heroin).

  6. Hey, if you do find the ten-gallon drums for sale let me know. I might try and rig my keg-o-ator (sp?) to dispense that wonderful beverage.

  7. I tried the Lemonade. Kinda taste like watered down lemon koolade. So I will leave you with this

    ” Im not a Gynecologist buy Ill take a look”

  8. hahahha your anime similes.
    I’m surprised you didn’t mention their craaazy commercials, though.
    I sat through it thinking “WWMD?”

  9. @Chuck – I’m not sure which flavor that is too, but I’ve tried most of the flavors and most of them are pretty decent.

    @Kylie – Even when you’re 45 and a prostitute, you’ll still probably drink Guinness.

    @SheRa – They also come in handy when you’re thirsty. 🙂

    @Armauld – Ensure?

    @Nevis – Pick it up and be happy.

    @Tiggy – Yes you could assume she’s a prostitute or just thirsty.

    @edman0037 – I’ll let you know, but I won’t help you carry it.

    @Alisha – I think male prostitutes would drink beer or martinis.

    @StephanieS – Thank you.

    @Neil – Dammit! That’s my pickup line!

    @Cindy – I watch too much television.

    @Sammiii – I hope you live next to me, because that would end my online anonymity.

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