REVIEW: Mountain Dew Pitch Black 2

Pitch Black II

Over the years, there have been many movies that have been as entertaining as a monkey juggling its own poop while peddling a tricycle through hoops of fire.

But the sequels to those movies have burned me and my wallet, because they were as entertaining as watching water boil, watching grass grow, or listening to Madonna speak about a noble cause.

For example, there’s Caddyshack and Caddyshack 2. Caddyshack is probably the greatest movie about golf ever, while Caddyshack 2 is probably the worst movie about golf ever.

Then there was Speed and Speed 2: Cruise Control.

How bad was Speed 2?

Let me put it this way, Speed 2 was so bad that I actually uttered the eleven words that I never thought would come out of my mouth, “I think Keanu Reeves’ crappy acting would’ve made this movie better.”

Finally, there’s Sweatin’ To The Oldies and Sweatin’ To The Oldies 2.

What was so bad about Sweatin’ To The Oldies 2?

Well, besides more songs that were made waaay before I was born, I think Richard Simmons’ shorts in the sequel were shorter than usual, and if you know how short they usually are, then you know that if they got any shorter, it wouldn’t be a pretty sight.

Because I can only take so much glittery and shimmery manliness.

So with all of these crappy experiences with sequels, I was hesitant to try the new limited edition Mountain Dew Pitch Black 2, which is the sequel to last year’s original Mountain Dew Pitch Black.

If you aren’t familiar with the original Mountain Dew Pitch Black, you can read the Impulsive Buy’s review of it here or if your carpal tunnel is acting up and isn’t allowing you to click anything, I’ll just tell you that it has the same caffeine goodness as regular Mountain Dew, except with a blast of grape flavor.

Also it’s not really pitch black, it’s more like goth purple.

The only difference between Pitch Black 2 and the original Pitch Black is the sour bite, which the original lacked. Personally, I kind of like it better without the bite, but Pitch Black 2 is still good.

However, just like all Mountain Dew variations, Pitch Black 2 doesn’t make me want to do anything extreme, like jump out of a plane, do a backflip on a motorcycle, or jump over the Great Wall of China with a skateboard.

Also, just like last year, Mountain Dew Pitch Black 2 will only be around for a limited time. But thank goodness it will be around longer than the number of days Baby Geniuses 2 spent in theaters.

Item: Mountain Dew Pitch Black 2
Purchase Price: $1.39 (20-ounce)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Good grape taste. Same amount of caffeine as regular Mountain Dew. A monkey juggling its own poop while peddling a tricycle through hoops of fire.
Cons: Limited Edition. I prefer the original version, without the sour bite. Caddyshack 2, Speed 2, Baby Geniuses 2, and both Sweatin’ To The Oldies. Listening to Madonna speak about a noble cause.

REVIEW: Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper

Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper

I have a friend who drinks an X-treme Gulp of Diet Coke almost everyday. For those of you who don’t know, an X-treme Gulp contains 52-OUNCES OF SODA!!! It comes in this gigantic reusable plastic mug that’s roughly the size of my head. My friend puts a straw through the spill proof lid and nurses his X-treme Gulp the whole day at work.

Somehow I think drinking 52-OUNCES of Diet Coke, defeats the purpose of drinking Diet Coke. Then again, I’ve never consumed 52-OUNCES of Diet Coke, so what does my fat ass know?

When I first heard about my friend’s X-treme consumption of Diet Coke, all I could think of was him probably spending half the day drinking it and the other half peeing it out. Of course, probably the worst part of it all is the fact he fills his head-sized mug with a diet soda, which is currently only a notch above sparkling water in the taste department.

There’s a reason why the word “die” is in “diet.” It’s because diet sodas are the dead tasting versions of their regular high-sugar counterparts.

The only times I’ve tried diet sodas are when I’ve come late to parties and all that’s left in the coolers are a ton of diet sodas. I know they’re diet sodas because all diet sodas come in a white or light gray can. The reason for this is because dark colored cans absorb taste, while light colored cans reflect it.

So because I’m late to these parties, I have to drink a diet soda, because the only other options are the melted ice in the coolers and the garden hose that the dog also drinks from.

Now when I drink a diet soda my face puckers up with every sip. It’s like the magic potion that turns me into Camilla Parker Bowles. Oh wait, she’s now called The Duchess of Cornwall. My bad.

Anyway, my face usually doesn’t make babies cry or mirrors crack, but when I grimace from drinking a diet soda, it’s almost guaranteed.

So it was with some trepidation, that I picked up a Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper from the convenience store down the street. I really wanted to pick up the Pepsi Holiday Spice that was in the refrigerated case, but I thought it would be best if I not, because I don’t know how long they’ve been there, since holiday season is waaay over.

When I got home, I prepared myself for the diet soda by covering all the mirrors and making sure I had no illegitimate babies in the apartment. However, after drinking it, I realized that all those preparations were unnecessary.

It turned out that it’s possible to make a diet soda that actually tastes good.

Yahtzee!

With the Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper, I could definitely taste the Dr Pepper and I could taste the cherries. However, as for the vanilla, it just wasn’t there, which disappointed me because having it would’ve probably made this soda even better.

Since I liked it so much, I decided to buy more bottles, but when I went back the next day to the convenience store, they were sold out. Which probably means other people like it or my friend likes it and decided to buy the rest of the stock so that he could fill his X-treme Gulp mug for a while.

I was thinking about giving Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper a 3 rating, but for being the best diet soda I’ve ever had and for not making me look like someone Prince Charles would kiss, I gave it a 4 rating.

Now if they ever have Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper available at the convenience store’s soda fountain, I think purchasing an X-treme Gulp of it is in my future.

Item: Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper
Purchase Price: $1.29
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Best diet soda I’ve ever tasted. Zero-calories. Zero-carbs. Doesn’t make me look like The Duchess of Cornwall.
Cons: No vanilla flavor. Contains phenylalanine. Took forever for a store here to have it in stock.

REVIEW: Pepsi Holiday Spice

Ye holiday season is here!

Woo hoo!

It’s time to get into the holiday spirit and I’m trying to get into the mood by drinking Pepsi Holiday Spice.

I NEED to have the holiday spirit, as I prepare for the crowded malls, last minute shopping, excessive Christmas decorations, the color red, tinsel, children crying on Santa’s lap, and numerous kiss rejections under the mistletoe.

I would’ve gotten eggnog, but no one is selling it yet. So until someone starts selling it, I’m stuck with Pepsi Holiday Spice to get me in the mood for some holiday “fun.”

I know liquor is quicker, but I’m afraid I might relive my 21st birthday drinking binge, which involved ten shots in one hour, followed by dancing with two girls, flashing body parts on my body that shouldn’t be flashed, and dry heaves.

So what does Pepsi Holiday Spice taste like?

It has a nice spicy cinnamon and ginger taste and it’s really good, but let me think of a better way to describe the taste.

Hmmm…

Well go to your favorite store, whether it’s a local mom and pops or your gigantic mom and pops-destroying superstore, and look for a red soda bottle or can with the word Coke on it. Then purchase it or steal it, because there’s no way the old greeter at the superstore entrance will be able to tackle you. Then open it and when you drink it you will know what Pepsi Holiday Spice tastes like.

To make that unnecessarily long explanation paragraph short, Pepsi Holiday Spice tastes very similar to Coke.

If you’re a crazy Coke fanatic and you think what I just said is blasphemy, then go try it for yourself, YOU FRICKEN’ COKE-HEAD!

Wow. That last part was rude of me. I’m sorry.

Seems like I need more holiday spirit.

Well, I guess it’s a good thing I bought a 2-liter bottle of Pepsi Holiday Spice, because hopefully the more holiday spice I drink, the more holiday spirit I’ll have.

Item: Pepsi Holiday Spice
Purchase Price: $1.49 (2-liter bottle, on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Very good. Nice spicy taste. A great holiday drink replacement until eggnog hits the stores. Tastes like Coke.
Cons: If you’re a crazy Coke fanatic, it tastes like Coke. Too bad it’s a limited edition. Might need a bit more holiday spirit in it.

REVIEW: Mountain Dew Pitch Black

pitchblack

Sometimes it sucks having The Impulsive Buy Laboratory on an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

Why?

(1) Can’t jump into The Impulsive Buy Mobile and take a long road trip, unless we want to circle the island a few times. (2) We sometimes get new products slightly later than everyone else.

This was the case with the new Limited Edition Mountain Dew Pitch Black.

Kelly, an occasional Impulsive Buy reader, asked us if we had a chance to try the new variation of Mountain Dew. We told her no and she immediately started rubbing that fact into our face.

The taunting started with emails that contained lines like, “Nanny, nanny. Boo, boo. No Pitch Black for you.” Later she started emailing us pictures of her drinking Pitch Black. Then she sent us a picture of her standing in front of a refrigerated case stocked with Pitch Black and giving us the finger. That was the last straw and we frantically attempted to find some, but we couldn’t find any.

This taunting went on for a week. Finally, the national convenience store chain down the street got their stock of Pitch Black.

After trying it, it was time for our revenge on Kelly, which involved rolls of toilet paper and rotten raw eggs. Unfortunately, she lives in the state of Washington. So we can add one more reason why it sometimes sucks having The Impulsive Buy Laboratory in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

(3) Can’t get revenge on those who live in the Continental United States.

As for the Mountain Dew Pitch Black, it’s pretty good, now that we finally got to try it.

What makes it black is the blast of black grape, which also makes it grapey. (Holy crap! “Grapey” is an actual word! We thought we were making up a new word.) It was good to drink a grape soda again, because it’s been awhile since anyone of us drank one. (Does anyone even make grape sodas?)

We feel Pitch Black is just as good as the other Mountain Dew flavors, like LiveWire, Code Red, and the original Mountain Dew. Or maybe that’s the caffeine talking.

There are two disappointing things about the soda. One, is the fact that Pitch Black really isn’t black. If you look at it in the light, you will see it really is purple or plum-colored, if you will. And, two, Mountain Dew Pitch Black will only be around until Halloween. So get yours now.

Item: Limited Edition Mountain Dew Pitch Black
Purchase Price: $0.99
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Good grape taste. Same amount of caffeine goodness as regular Mountain Dew.
Cons: Not really pitch black, more like purple. Wish it wasn’t limited edition. Wasted a good carton of eggs. At least we can still use the toilet paper.