A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Soda

Recently, I’ve been sucking down many of these A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Sodas.

I’ve been doing so much sucking that I feel like I’m either a baby sucking on a tit, a crack addict sucking on a crack pipe, or Paris Hilton making another sex tape.

I just have this “thing” for vanilla cream sodas, much like I have a thing for Rachael Ray, old school hip-hop, saying the word “incestuous,” and words that don’t start with “qu,” like Qatar, qanat, and qintar.

The A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Soda was very good, but it tasted just like their regular cream soda. Now I thought the “sparkling” would add something sparkling, much like how bubbles help champaign sparkle and glitter helps Sparkling Barbie look more like a stripper, but it didn’t.

The only thing different about this soda than the previous A&W Cream soda is the “Vintage Bottle,” which if you take off the label or stick in a small brown paper bag, looks like a beer bottle.

This means that with the amber-colored A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Soda and the “Vintage Bottle,” I can be a total poser at a party and pretend I’m cool with a “beer” in hand.

It’s much like when I was growing up and pretended apple juice was beer, bubble gum cigarettes were actual cigarettes, and my switchblade comb was an actual switchblade knife, which I used to try and recreate the fight/dance off scene from the Michael Jackson video for Beat It.

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Showin’ how funky and strong is your fight
It doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right
Just beat it, beat it
Beat it, beat it, beat it

Maybe it’s better that I be a poser with my fake beer, because if I drank as many bottles of beer as I have with the delicious A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Soda, I might end up passed out on my bathroom floor, lying in my own vomit, with a Sharpie mustache drawn on my face, and two arrows pointing to my mouth also drawn on my face with the words, “Stick it in the hole for a prize,” written on my chin.

Plus, someone would probably take pictures of me in this position and post it all over the internet with the word “0wn3d!” on it.

Item: A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Soda
Purchase Price: 99 cents
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Damn good. Refreshing. Kind of addictive. If I take off the label or stick the bottle in a brown paper bag, it looks like I’m drinking beer, which in turn, makes me looking cool. My switchblade comb. Michael Jackson before the sleepovers and plastic surgery.
Cons: Not different in taste than the previous A&W Cream soda. Possible passed out drunk pictures posted on the internet.

REVIEW: Mountain Dew Pitch Black 2

Pitch Black II

Over the years, there have been many movies that have been as entertaining as a monkey juggling its own poop while peddling a tricycle through hoops of fire.

But the sequels to those movies have burned me and my wallet, because they were as entertaining as watching water boil, watching grass grow, or listening to Madonna speak about a noble cause.

For example, there’s Caddyshack and Caddyshack 2. Caddyshack is probably the greatest movie about golf ever, while Caddyshack 2 is probably the worst movie about golf ever.

Then there was Speed and Speed 2: Cruise Control.

How bad was Speed 2?

Let me put it this way, Speed 2 was so bad that I actually uttered the eleven words that I never thought would come out of my mouth, “I think Keanu Reeves’ crappy acting would’ve made this movie better.”

Finally, there’s Sweatin’ To The Oldies and Sweatin’ To The Oldies 2.

What was so bad about Sweatin’ To The Oldies 2?

Well, besides more songs that were made waaay before I was born, I think Richard Simmons’ shorts in the sequel were shorter than usual, and if you know how short they usually are, then you know that if they got any shorter, it wouldn’t be a pretty sight.

Because I can only take so much glittery and shimmery manliness.

So with all of these crappy experiences with sequels, I was hesitant to try the new limited edition Mountain Dew Pitch Black 2, which is the sequel to last year’s original Mountain Dew Pitch Black.

If you aren’t familiar with the original Mountain Dew Pitch Black, you can read the Impulsive Buy’s review of it here or if your carpal tunnel is acting up and isn’t allowing you to click anything, I’ll just tell you that it has the same caffeine goodness as regular Mountain Dew, except with a blast of grape flavor.

Also it’s not really pitch black, it’s more like goth purple.

The only difference between Pitch Black 2 and the original Pitch Black is the sour bite, which the original lacked. Personally, I kind of like it better without the bite, but Pitch Black 2 is still good.

However, just like all Mountain Dew variations, Pitch Black 2 doesn’t make me want to do anything extreme, like jump out of a plane, do a backflip on a motorcycle, or jump over the Great Wall of China with a skateboard.

Also, just like last year, Mountain Dew Pitch Black 2 will only be around for a limited time. But thank goodness it will be around longer than the number of days Baby Geniuses 2 spent in theaters.

Item: Mountain Dew Pitch Black 2
Purchase Price: $1.39 (20-ounce)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Good grape taste. Same amount of caffeine as regular Mountain Dew. A monkey juggling its own poop while peddling a tricycle through hoops of fire.
Cons: Limited Edition. I prefer the original version, without the sour bite. Caddyshack 2, Speed 2, Baby Geniuses 2, and both Sweatin’ To The Oldies. Listening to Madonna speak about a noble cause.

Coke Zero

Coke Zero

Look Coke Zero, I know you’re going through some hard times right now with you being the new kid on the block, but calling yourself Coke Zero is not good for your self-esteem.

I’m worried about you, Coke Zero.

I know you’re trying to be popular, but I don’t know if the loner goth look with that black cap on your head and the red, white, and black label is good for you.

I’m sorry I have to tell you this, but it looks like you’re just a poser that went on a shopping spree at Hot Topic.

You don’t even have the black eyeliner!

How can you be goth without the black eyeliner?

Your older brother C2 tried to be popular and fit in with the low-carb crowd, but where is he now?


I don’t see him around. Not even in the most vile places, like the hole-in-the-wall convenience stores, ghetto grocery stores, and Wal-Mart. He was a total failure and now he’s probably hanging out with that other total failure, Pepsi Edge. They’re probably figuring out how to make bongs out of each other.

I don’t want you to be a total failure.

Although, I have to admit, you don’t taste very good with your aspartame and acesulfame potassium. Your cousin, Diet Sprite Zero tasted a lot better. But at least you don’t taste like you’re trying to French Kiss the pinkness out of my tongue like your anorexic older sister Diet Coke does.

Look, we all go through phases. Just look at Madonna and all the phases she’s gone through, from the Queen of Pop to whore to actress to whore to crappy actress to mother to British to Kabbalah to Ester.

Heck, I’ve even gone through some phases. During my high school years, I wanted to be a rapper. I walked around with my LA Dodgers cap low, my hands around my crotch, I called people “Dogg,” and I wrote wack rhymes, like:

I got the skills to pay the bills,
when I write with the quills.
I drop ill rhymes that give thrills,
like a roller coaster on the first drop.
My rhymes will make your body rock.
And make all the honeys scream.
They’ll all call me the Asian Dream.

But later I realized that no matter how cool I thought I was, I really wasn’t cool and I never will be, no matter how hard I try.

(Editor’s Note: Our friends at The Message Whore also did a review for Coke Zero, which you can read here. Again, they beat me to review a cool new product. Someday, I’ll beat them. SOMEDAY!!!)

Item: Coke Zero
Purchase Price: $1.29 (20-ounces)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Doesn’t kill taste buds like Diet Coke, No calories. No carbs. No fat. Goth, if you’re into that.
Cons: No black eyeliner. My rhymin’ skills. Madonna’s fake British accent.

REVIEW: Coke With Lime

Coke With Lime

(Editor’s Note: Today’s review subject was suggested by another resident on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, Lakitu. At first, I wasn’t going to review it, because Lakitu actually likes sparkling water. This made me think she was crazy…or has no taste buds. But she likes to lick sparkling water off of hot bodies, so I figured she couldn’t be so bad. So here’s the review. Enjoy.)

Hey! Hey! You two stop it!

Don’t make me pull over, because if I do, you two will regret it.

Why can’t you two just get along, Coke and Pepsi?

Coke, stop messing with Pepsi’s cap! I said stop!

If you two can’t play nice, I’m going to make the two of you walk home.

What did you say, Coke? Don’t you fizz at me!

I said cool it!

I swear you two are going to drive me insane. See all the white hair and the fillings? I got them from you two.

You just wait until we get home. I’m going to put one of you in the vegetable drawer and one of you in the freezer for a timeout session.

No, Pepsi, I don’t care if you explode in the freezer, I can always get another one of you.

Oh, come on! Quit it or else I’m going to cancel our trip to Disneyland!

This cola fight has to stop. Can’t the both of you be happy with being multibillion dollar companies? It’s not like either of you are RC Cola.

You may not realize this, but the only people you’re hurting are your consumers.

Coke, I didn’t hear you apologize for New Coke. All you did was slowly sweep New Coke under the rug, bring back the old Coke, and call it Classic Coke. You didn’t think I saw that, but I did.

Oh, don’t laugh Pepsi, you’re guilty, too. Remember Pepsi AM? Don’t act like you don’t remember, because I know you do.

Now what’s this I hear about Coke with Lime. Now Coke, you just can’t keep sticking stuff in you. You did lemons, cherries, and vanilla. What’s next? Chocolate? Strawberries? Pomegranate? You’re gonna get sick, and if you get sick, you’re going to make other people sick.

Remember the time you stuck Pop Rocks in you? What happened? You threw up. And who had to clean that mess? I did.

But I did try Coke with Lime and thought it wasn’t bad. The lime taste was really weak, unlike the vanilla taste in Vanilla Coke and the cherry taste in Cherry Coke. Also, I think the lime took out some of the bite that you usually have, Coke. I have to say I’m very disappointed in you.

See this is what happens when you don’t think before you act.

The same goes for you, Pepsi. You can’t play mad scientist, like Coke. I know what you’re up to, Mister. I’m sure you’re working on your own version of Coke with Lime in your room and you’re probably going to call it Pepsi Splash, Pepsi Squirt, or Pepsi Squeeze.

Just to let you know, nobody likes a copycat.

Also, I found the issues of Playboy under your mattress. You know, every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.

But that’s besides the point. See you two made me lose focus.

All you two do is go back and forth.

Diet Coke. Diet Pepsi. Vanilla Coke. Pepsi Vanilla. Cherry Coke. Wild Cherry Pepsi. Coke with Lemon. Pepsi Twist. C2. Pepsi Edge. Pepsi One. Coke Zero.

Enough is enough.

Eventually you two are going to take it too far and someone’s really going to get hurt.

When will it all end?

Coke Infinity? Then Pepsi Infinity Plus One?

Look, I love you both, but if this keeps going on, I’m going to send one of you back.

Item: Coke With Lime
Purchase Price: $1.29
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Not bad tasting. It comes in a bottle. Coke thought of adding lime first.
Cons: Very light lime taste. Nothing special. Never-ending cola fight. Whiny multibillion dollar companies.

REVIEW: Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper

Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper

I have a friend who drinks an X-treme Gulp of Diet Coke almost everyday. For those of you who don’t know, an X-treme Gulp contains 52-OUNCES OF SODA!!! It comes in this gigantic reusable plastic mug that’s roughly the size of my head. My friend puts a straw through the spill proof lid and nurses his X-treme Gulp the whole day at work.

Somehow I think drinking 52-OUNCES of Diet Coke, defeats the purpose of drinking Diet Coke. Then again, I’ve never consumed 52-OUNCES of Diet Coke, so what does my fat ass know?

When I first heard about my friend’s X-treme consumption of Diet Coke, all I could think of was him probably spending half the day drinking it and the other half peeing it out. Of course, probably the worst part of it all is the fact he fills his head-sized mug with a diet soda, which is currently only a notch above sparkling water in the taste department.

There’s a reason why the word “die” is in “diet.” It’s because diet sodas are the dead tasting versions of their regular high-sugar counterparts.

The only times I’ve tried diet sodas are when I’ve come late to parties and all that’s left in the coolers are a ton of diet sodas. I know they’re diet sodas because all diet sodas come in a white or light gray can. The reason for this is because dark colored cans absorb taste, while light colored cans reflect it.

So because I’m late to these parties, I have to drink a diet soda, because the only other options are the melted ice in the coolers and the garden hose that the dog also drinks from.

Now when I drink a diet soda my face puckers up with every sip. It’s like the magic potion that turns me into Camilla Parker Bowles. Oh wait, she’s now called The Duchess of Cornwall. My bad.

Anyway, my face usually doesn’t make babies cry or mirrors crack, but when I grimace from drinking a diet soda, it’s almost guaranteed.

So it was with some trepidation, that I picked up a Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper from the convenience store down the street. I really wanted to pick up the Pepsi Holiday Spice that was in the refrigerated case, but I thought it would be best if I not, because I don’t know how long they’ve been there, since holiday season is waaay over.

When I got home, I prepared myself for the diet soda by covering all the mirrors and making sure I had no illegitimate babies in the apartment. However, after drinking it, I realized that all those preparations were unnecessary.

It turned out that it’s possible to make a diet soda that actually tastes good.


With the Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper, I could definitely taste the Dr Pepper and I could taste the cherries. However, as for the vanilla, it just wasn’t there, which disappointed me because having it would’ve probably made this soda even better.

Since I liked it so much, I decided to buy more bottles, but when I went back the next day to the convenience store, they were sold out. Which probably means other people like it or my friend likes it and decided to buy the rest of the stock so that he could fill his X-treme Gulp mug for a while.

I was thinking about giving Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper a 3 rating, but for being the best diet soda I’ve ever had and for not making me look like someone Prince Charles would kiss, I gave it a 4 rating.

Now if they ever have Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper available at the convenience store’s soda fountain, I think purchasing an X-treme Gulp of it is in my future.

Item: Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper
Purchase Price: $1.29
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Best diet soda I’ve ever tasted. Zero-calories. Zero-carbs. Doesn’t make me look like The Duchess of Cornwall.
Cons: No vanilla flavor. Contains phenylalanine. Took forever for a store here to have it in stock.