Tag: Soda

Vault

Marvo 31 Comments

Whenever something comes back from the dead and rises out of its grave, I usually expect flesh-eating zombies or a new Tupac Shakur album.

However, this time around what came back from the dead was a citrus soda called Surge, which now has the witness protection agency-like name of Vault. After Surge was killed off, there was a movement to bring back Surge, and Vault was the result of it.

It’s Coke’s answer to the ever popular, totally xtreme, and Yellow No. 5 containing Mountain Dew. As someone who has done the dew way too many times, I noticed that there are some minor similarities between Vault and Mountain Dew.

1. They both come in the same green that the radioactive rod shown during the opening of the Simpsons comes in.

2. They are both citrusy. Although, Vault does have a better citrus taste, which sort of reminded me of a Sprite.

That’s pretty much it for the similarities.

On the other hand, the differences between the two are pretty significant.

1. I felt Vault was easier to drink than Mountain Dew, because it doesn’t have the same bite as Mountain Dew. However, it’s not as easy to drink as Vault’s clear, caffeine-free, wussy-ass, and 7-Up wannabe cousin, Sprite.

2. Vault has more caffeine than Mountain Dew. A 12-ounce serving of Vault contains 70.5 milligrams of caffeine, while Mountain Dew has 55 milligrams per 12-ounce serving. It may not seem like much, but that difference could mean being able to stay up to watch the ENTIRE unedited Lord of the Rings trilogy or just the edited-for-TV version of the Fellowship of the Ring.

Or for those of you who want a porn reference, a can of Mountain Dew will probably get you through the Whore of the Rings I, while a can of Vault will maybe get you through Whore of the Rings I, II, III, and maybe IV and V.

So which one do I prefer? It’s hard to choose one because I really like them both. It’s sort of like choosing cute kittens at kittenwar dot com.

However, due to the bite of Mountain Dew, I would probably drink one if I needed a slap-to-the-balls-type of wake up. However, if I wanted something easier to drink and with more caffeine, I would do the Vault.

Although, I probably could get the same slap-to-the-balls feeling with the Vault, if I slapped my balls with a Vault bottle.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Alena, Rob, and Damien for suggesting Surge…Er, I mean Vault to review.)

Item: Vault
Purchase Price: 89 cents (20-ounce)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Easier to drink than Mountain Dew. Good citrus taste. 70.5 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine in every 12-ounce serving. New Tupac albums after his death. Kittenwar.com
Cons: Its green color reminds me of the radioactive rod shown during the Simpsons intro. A slap to the balls. Flesh-eating zombies.

REVIEW: Jones Soda Holiday Pack 2005

Marvo 38 Comments

Jones Soda Holiday Pack 2005

When I was growing up, I made a list of things I hoped the future would bring. On top of my list, were flying cars, realistic female “companion” androids, and reversible pants. However, below the flying cars and realistic female “companion” androids, but above the reversible pants, I hoped the future would bring drinkable meals.

Thanks to the Jones Soda Company, the future is here. Actually, the future was here last year, when the Jones Soda Company introduced their Holiday Soda Pack. But last year, I was unable to buy a pack off of their website, after it sold out in a few hours, and I was unwilling to pay $50 for a pack on eBay.

Fortunately, the prices were much cheaper on eBay this year, and I was able to partake in the Jones Soda Holiday Pack.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with these sodas, it doesn’t consist of flavors you would find at a typical soda fountain. No root beer. No cola. No strawberry. No orange. No lemon-lime. Instead, there’s turkey and gravy, corn on the cob, smoked salmon pate, broccoli casserole, and pecan pie.

Mmm…Just like mom used to NOT make.

Drinking the Jones Soda Holiday Pack was like a typical Thanksgiving or Christmas family dinner in my mouth with all the fixing, and when I say fixings, I mean the dysfunctional family arguments, the complaining of the dry turkey, and the coming out of a brother or sister.

In other words, there were surprises left and right with each flavor and I hoped I would get through them without crying, injuring myself, or throwing up.

The corn on the cob soda had a very strong buttery taste. Too buttery for me. I got through one-sixth of the bottle and then had to put it down. Although, it is perfect for those who like to put butter on their toast, who like extra butter on their popcorn at the theater, and who have butter coming out of their pores, which causes them to occasionally slip off of the toilet.

The smoked salmon pate soda was the worst tasting soda of the group. It definitely had a smokey taste, and as we all know, where there’s smoke, there’s either a fire or a raging dorm party, and much like after a raging dorm party, the smoked salmon pate soda made me want to hurl chunks. Trying to chug down only two ounces of it was extremely hard. Every sip I took made me feel like Lindsay Lohan in a restroom stall.

The broccoli casserole soda had a surprisingly sweet taste. It tasted like pancake syrup. I’m not kidding. Go into your kitchen, grab a bottle the pancake syrup, chug it down, and after you wake up from your sugar-induced coma, you will know what the broccoli casserole soda tastes like, and you’ll probably want to get your teeth checked for cavities.

The turkey and gravy soda…Um, yeah.

There are various ways to cook a turkey. Someone can stick it in the oven for several hours, cook it rotisserie-style over an open fire, or fry it in gallons of cooking oil. There are also various ways to make gravy, like using packaged gravy powder, mixing turkey fat with corn starch, or collecting the sweat from the contestants on the show The Biggest Loser. However, the turkey and gravy soda didn’t taste like turkey and gravy prepared these ways. Instead, I thought it tasted like candy corn.

Finally, the pecan pie soda was the most normal sounding soda of the group and it also was the only soda that actually tasted like the dish it was supposed to taste like. It was the best tasting out of the five, but that really isn’t saying much.

Besides the taste, another thing that bothered me about the Jones Soda Holiday Pack was the amount of sodium in them. Ranging from 55 mg to 320 mg, these sodas were saltier than Star Jones after being asked if Al Reynolds was gay.

Despite most of the sodas not tasting like items on a holiday dinner table, the Jones Soda Holiday Pack was like a holiday dinner in one way…There were lots of leftovers, which I poured down the drain.

I guess the future isn’t quite here yet.

Item: Jones Soda Holiday Pack 2005
Purchase Price: $17.99 (on eBay + $12.99 shipping)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Only one made me want to hurl chunks. Good gag gift. Cheaper prices for the pack on eBay this year. Reversible pants. Realistic female “companion” androids.
Cons: Most of the flavors didn’t taste like what they were supposed to. Caffeine free. Very high in sodium…for frickin’ soda. Lots of leftovers. Smoked Salmon Pate Soda.

A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Soda

Marvo 25 Comments

Recently, I’ve been sucking down many of these A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Sodas.

I’ve been doing so much sucking that I feel like I’m either a baby sucking on a tit, a crack addict sucking on a crack pipe, or Paris Hilton making another sex tape.

I just have this “thing” for vanilla cream sodas, much like I have a thing for Rachael Ray, old school hip-hop, saying the word “incestuous,” and words that don’t start with “qu,” like Qatar, qanat, and qintar.

The A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Soda was very good, but it tasted just like their regular cream soda. Now I thought the “sparkling” would add something sparkling, much like how bubbles help champaign sparkle and glitter helps Sparkling Barbie look more like a stripper, but it didn’t.

The only thing different about this soda than the previous A&W Cream soda is the “Vintage Bottle,” which if you take off the label or stick in a small brown paper bag, looks like a beer bottle.

This means that with the amber-colored A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Soda and the “Vintage Bottle,” I can be a total poser at a party and pretend I’m cool with a “beer” in hand.

It’s much like when I was growing up and pretended apple juice was beer, bubble gum cigarettes were actual cigarettes, and my switchblade comb was an actual switchblade knife, which I used to try and recreate the fight/dance off scene from the Michael Jackson video for Beat It.

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Showin’ how funky and strong is your fight
It doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right
Just beat it, beat it
Beat it, beat it, beat it

Maybe it’s better that I be a poser with my fake beer, because if I drank as many bottles of beer as I have with the delicious A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Soda, I might end up passed out on my bathroom floor, lying in my own vomit, with a Sharpie mustache drawn on my face, and two arrows pointing to my mouth also drawn on my face with the words, “Stick it in the hole for a prize,” written on my chin.

Plus, someone would probably take pictures of me in this position and post it all over the internet with the word “0wn3d!” on it.

Item: A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Soda
Purchase Price: 99 cents
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Damn good. Refreshing. Kind of addictive. If I take off the label or stick the bottle in a brown paper bag, it looks like I’m drinking beer, which in turn, makes me looking cool. My switchblade comb. Michael Jackson before the sleepovers and plastic surgery.
Cons: Not different in taste than the previous A&W Cream soda. Possible passed out drunk pictures posted on the internet.

REVIEW: Mountain Dew Pitch Black 2

Marvo 36 Comments

Pitch Black II

Over the years, there have been many movies that have been as entertaining as a monkey juggling its own poop while peddling a tricycle through hoops of fire.

But the sequels to those movies have burned me and my wallet, because they were as entertaining as watching water boil, watching grass grow, or listening to Madonna speak about a noble cause.

For example, there’s Caddyshack and Caddyshack 2. Caddyshack is probably the greatest movie about golf ever, while Caddyshack 2 is probably the worst movie about golf ever.

Then there was Speed and Speed 2: Cruise Control.

How bad was Speed 2?

Let me put it this way, Speed 2 was so bad that I actually uttered the eleven words that I never thought would come out of my mouth, “I think Keanu Reeves’ crappy acting would’ve made this movie better.”

Finally, there’s Sweatin’ To The Oldies and Sweatin’ To The Oldies 2.

What was so bad about Sweatin’ To The Oldies 2?

Well, besides more songs that were made waaay before I was born, I think Richard Simmons’ shorts in the sequel were shorter than usual, and if you know how short they usually are, then you know that if they got any shorter, it wouldn’t be a pretty sight.

Because I can only take so much glittery and shimmery manliness.

So with all of these crappy experiences with sequels, I was hesitant to try the new limited edition Mountain Dew Pitch Black 2, which is the sequel to last year’s original Mountain Dew Pitch Black.

If you aren’t familiar with the original Mountain Dew Pitch Black, you can read the Impulsive Buy’s review of it here or if your carpal tunnel is acting up and isn’t allowing you to click anything, I’ll just tell you that it has the same caffeine goodness as regular Mountain Dew, except with a blast of grape flavor.

Also it’s not really pitch black, it’s more like goth purple.

The only difference between Pitch Black 2 and the original Pitch Black is the sour bite, which the original lacked. Personally, I kind of like it better without the bite, but Pitch Black 2 is still good.

However, just like all Mountain Dew variations, Pitch Black 2 doesn’t make me want to do anything extreme, like jump out of a plane, do a backflip on a motorcycle, or jump over the Great Wall of China with a skateboard.

Also, just like last year, Mountain Dew Pitch Black 2 will only be around for a limited time. But thank goodness it will be around longer than the number of days Baby Geniuses 2 spent in theaters.

Item: Mountain Dew Pitch Black 2
Purchase Price: $1.39 (20-ounce)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Good grape taste. Same amount of caffeine as regular Mountain Dew. A monkey juggling its own poop while peddling a tricycle through hoops of fire.
Cons: Limited Edition. I prefer the original version, without the sour bite. Caddyshack 2, Speed 2, Baby Geniuses 2, and both Sweatin’ To The Oldies. Listening to Madonna speak about a noble cause.

Coke Zero

Marvo 37 Comments

Coke Zero

Look Coke Zero, I know you’re going through some hard times right now with you being the new kid on the block, but calling yourself Coke Zero is not good for your self-esteem.

I’m worried about you, Coke Zero.

I know you’re trying to be popular, but I don’t know if the loner goth look with that black cap on your head and the red, white, and black label is good for you.

I’m sorry I have to tell you this, but it looks like you’re just a poser that went on a shopping spree at Hot Topic.

You don’t even have the black eyeliner!

How can you be goth without the black eyeliner?

Your older brother C2 tried to be popular and fit in with the low-carb crowd, but where is he now?

Nowhere.

I don’t see him around. Not even in the most vile places, like the hole-in-the-wall convenience stores, ghetto grocery stores, and Wal-Mart. He was a total failure and now he’s probably hanging out with that other total failure, Pepsi Edge. They’re probably figuring out how to make bongs out of each other.

I don’t want you to be a total failure.

Although, I have to admit, you don’t taste very good with your aspartame and acesulfame potassium. Your cousin, Diet Sprite Zero tasted a lot better. But at least you don’t taste like you’re trying to French Kiss the pinkness out of my tongue like your anorexic older sister Diet Coke does.

Look, we all go through phases. Just look at Madonna and all the phases she’s gone through, from the Queen of Pop to whore to actress to whore to crappy actress to mother to British to Kabbalah to Ester.

Heck, I’ve even gone through some phases. During my high school years, I wanted to be a rapper. I walked around with my LA Dodgers cap low, my hands around my crotch, I called people “Dogg,” and I wrote wack rhymes, like:

I got the skills to pay the bills,
when I write with the quills.
I drop ill rhymes that give thrills,
like a roller coaster on the first drop.
My rhymes will make your body rock.
And make all the honeys scream.
They’ll all call me the Asian Dream.


But later I realized that no matter how cool I thought I was, I really wasn’t cool and I never will be, no matter how hard I try.

(Editor’s Note: Our friends at The Message Whore also did a review for Coke Zero, which you can read here. Again, they beat me to review a cool new product. Someday, I’ll beat them. SOMEDAY!!!)

Item: Coke Zero
Purchase Price: $1.29 (20-ounces)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Doesn’t kill taste buds like Diet Coke, No calories. No carbs. No fat. Goth, if you’re into that.
Cons: No black eyeliner. My rhymin’ skills. Madonna’s fake British accent.