Tag: Soda

REVIEW: IBC Root Beer (32-ounces)

Marvo 25 Comments

IBC Root Beer

Sometimes I like to be an old-fashioned kind of guy.

Not in the sense of opening doors for women, saying please or thank you, or offering my seat to an elderly person on the bus. In all those instances, I’m an asshole.

The old-fashioned I’m talking about is occasionally putting on my acid-washed jean shorts, Hypercolor t-shirt, a pair of British Knights shoes, and listening to C+C Music Factory on my Sony Walkman cassette player with auto-reverse, while playing Sonic the Hedgehog on a Sega Genesis.

(Editor’s Note: For the convenience of TIB’s younger readers, who weren’t born when many of these things came out, I have added Wikipedia links to explain them, except acid-washed jean shorts because there’s no Wikipedia entry for them and I’m ashamed that I actually wear acid-washed jean shorts.)

When I’m bored and lonely in my apartment, I like to get really old-fashioned and put on a pair of polyester bell bottoms, a tie-dye t-shirt, a pair of platform shoes, and an afro wig, while listening to disco music on an 8-track player.

(Editor’s Note: To TIB’s middle-aged readers: I’m not saying you’re really old in any way, shape, or form, even though I did say “really old-fashioned.” When I said “really” I really meant it in terms of prestige and not in terms of time.)

I’m just as old-fashioned as this 32-ounce bottle of IBC Root Beer in its amber-colored glass bottle, but not as dark, curvy, or satisfying. It’s old-fashioned because it’s been around since 1919 and was introduced during Prohibition.

(Editor’s Note: To TIB’s younger readers: If you’re too lazy to click the Wikipedia link above, Prohibition was a time from 1920 to 1933 when it was illegal to produce, sell, or transport alcohol in the United States, but drinking it wasn’t illegal. If any of your great, great, great grandparents are still alive, you should ask them about it.)

Anyway, I’ve been drinking so many of these 32-ounce bottles of IBC Root Beer recently that if they were actually bottles of alcoholic beer I would probably be doing some crazy, possibly illegal stuff like tipping cows, sucking on a cow’s udder, sticking my arm into a cow to help it give birth to a calf, or paying $150 for small slab of Kobe beef.

Personally, IBC Root Beer is better tasting than the highly-distributed Barq’s and A&W root beer, but I’ve also tasted better root beers than the IBC one. It’s got a nice spiciness to it, it made a great root beer float, and it comes in a big 32-ounce bottle. Of course, the big bottle means I can pour one for myself and then pour some out for my dead homies, because I’m old-fashioned like that.

Item: IBC Root Beer
Price: $1.49 (32-ounces)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tastes great. Big 32-ounce glass bottle. Cheap. Great for root beer floats. Darker, more curvy, and more satisfying than I am. Being an old-fashioned guy.
Cons: Not less filling. No caffeine. Drinking the entire bottle in one sitting is bad due to high sugar content. I’m as asshole. Prohibition.

REVIEW: Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream

Marvo 40 Comments

Dr. Pepper: How are you today, Marvo? Are you feeling okay? Because it looks like you’re getting a little chubby.

Marvo: Well…

Dr. Pepper: It looks like you’re beginning to form some man-boobies there. Let me touch them.

(Dr. Pepper touches Marvo’s man-breasts)

Dr. Pepper: Yes, you’re definitely forming some man-titties. Pretty soon you’ll need a training bra, unless you lose some weight.

Marvo: Is “man-titties” the clinical term? Anyway, I’m working on it, Dr. Pepper. But the reason why I’m here is because I need your help.

Dr. Pepper: Well, I’m a doctor, help is what I do. Let me guess. Erectile dysfunction?

Marvo: No.

Dr. Pepper: Irregular bowel movements?

Marvo: No.

Dr. Pepper: Sexually transmitted disease?

Marvo: No.

Dr. Pepper: Hairy palms?

Marvo: No, Dr. Pepper, I need help…

Dr. Pepper: Pull down your pants, Marvo.

Marvo: I don’t think that’s necessary, Dr. Pepper.

Dr. Pepper: Hey, I’m the doctor here. Do you have the prefix “Dr.” in front of your name?

Marvo: No.

(Marvo pulls down his pants)

Dr. Pepper: Oh, I see what the problem is. Excessive shrinkage. No wait, it’s just really cold in here. Okay, now cough.

(Marvo coughs)

Marvo: I still think this is unnecessary.

Dr. Pepper: This is all necessary. Being unhealthy is a serious issue. Fondling your man-boobies and staring at your schlong are things all doctors do. Cough again.

(Marvo coughs again)

Marvo: Wait, is “schlong” also a clinical term? Anyway, my visit isn’t really about me, it’s about other diet sodas.

Dr. Pepper: Other diet sodas? What do you mean?

Marvo: Can I put my pants up first?

Dr. Pepper: Not yet, I have to check the other side. But explain to me your concerns about the other diet sodas.

(Marvo sighs)

Marvo: Well you know how you have Diet Dr. Pepper, Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, and the new Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream? How come all three of them taste pretty good, while almost every other diet soda tastes like ass?

Dr. Pepper: Hmm, that a good question. Speaking of ass, could you please turn around and bend over? Anyway, I don’t know why other diet sodas taste so bad. I use the same artificial sweeteners as most of them. Okay, now you may feel a little discomfort with your bunghole.

Marvo: Is “bunghole” a medical term? OOOOH!

Dr. Pepper: I don’t really SCREW with artificial sweeteners.

Marvo: OOOOH!

Dr. Pepper: I like aspartame, but I know other diet sodas have tried to RAM Splenda down peoples’ throats.

Marvo: OOOH!

Dr. Pepper: Everything looks good back here. You can put your pants back up.

(Marvo pulls up pants)

Marvo: You know what else is good? Your Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream. I’m surprised that I liked it because I’m not a big fan of raspberries. I just don’t like fruits with silent letters.

Dr. Pepper: What did you like about it?

Marvo: Well there’s a nice balance between the Dr. Pepper, raspberry, and vanilla flavors. Plus, there isn’t a bad aftertaste like most other diet sodas. Although I think it’s not as good as your Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper or original Diet Dr. Pepper.

Dr. Pepper: Is there anything you didn’t like about it?

Marvo: Besides the fact that I can’t find the non-diet version of it here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean? Nothing else, really.

Dr. Pepper: Well is there anything else you’d like to discuss?

Marvo: Um. I know you’re not a real doctor, much like the doctors on ER, Scrubs, Chicago Hope, Dr. Demento, and Dr. Dre, both the former N.W.A. member and the former host of YO! MTV Raps, but I was wondering if you could tell people that even though diet sodas have zero calories and no fat, drinking two liters of it every day will not help make them skinnier, nor will it help with any diet.

Dr. Pepper: I’ll see what I can do.

Marvo: Thanks, Doc.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy readers Derrick and Uncle C for suggesting Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream. Also, next time you’re in the shower, remember to check your nuts for lumps.)

Item: Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream
Price: $4.00 (12-pack)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Pretty good diet soda. Nice balance of Dr. Pepper, raspberry, and vanilla flavors. No bad aftertaste. No calories. No fat. YO! MTV Raps.
Cons: Not as good as Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper and original Diet Dr. Pepper. Can’t find the non-diet version of it here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Fruits with silent letters. Getting molested by Dr. Pepper.

REVIEW: Coca-Cola Blãk

Marvo 50 Comments

Let me tell you, this bottle of Coca-Cola Blãk sucks.

No, no, no. Not the coffee and cola fused Coca-Cola Blãk inside, just the bottle itself sucks.

Why does it suck?

Because I can’t use it in a bar fight.

What good is a glass bottle if I can’t break it and use it as a shiv to stab some guy messing with my woman? Also, forget about christening a ship with it.

I made a little video to show you how strong these bottles are. Check out the video here.

Come on, when you got to stab someone with a broken glass bottle, it needs to shatter on the first whack on the edge of the bar, maybe two whacks at the most.

Because if it doesn’t, you’re in danger and you can expect the following things to happen to you: someone stabs you with their own broken glass bottle shiv; someone hits you from behind with a barstool; or your body gets dragged across the bar, clearing everything off of it.

Now you’re probably asking yourself, “Couldn’t he just take someone else’s bottle?” I don’t want to take someone else bottle and shatter it, just to stab someone, because that’s just plain rude, especially if they just opened it. That’s a total waste of alcohol, unless it’s a light beer, then that’s a totally different story, because they may not realize it, but I’m doing a favor for that person I took the light beer bottle from.

The reason why the Coca-Cola Blãk bottle won’t shatter is because there’s this wrapper around it, which has all the fancy graphics and the nutritional information. Coca-Cola could’ve just put a sticker with the fancy graphics on the bottle like every beer does, because beer companies know that beer bottles make great shivs.

Also, you don’t really need nutritional information, because there really isn’t much nutrition in Coca-Cola Blãk. There’s 45 calories, zero grams of fat, 30 milligrams of sodium, 12 grams of carbs, 12 grams of sugar, and zero grams of protein per eight ounce bottle.

That’s another problem with the Coca-Cola Blãk bottle, it’s too damn small. I wish it came in a bigger bottle, because that means more Coca-Cola Blãk and a bigger shiv, unless it shatters and all you have left is the bottleneck, then it doesn’t really matter.

As for the Coca-Cola Blãk itself, it was surprisingly really good. When I opened the bottle there was pleasant spicy and coffee scent, which really grabbed me and punched me in the nose. If I was able to shatter the bottle and stab some guy in the face with it, he would definitely notice that pleasant spicy and coffee scent.

After drinking it, I was surprised by the fact that the coffee taste didn’t overcome the cola. After all, coffee is strong enough to overcome drug sniffing dogs when trying to smuggle cocaine into the country. Also, I was surprised by the lack of the typical coffee bitterness.

Overall, Coca-Cola Blãk definitely creates a very delicious fusion of coffee and cola.

But the bottle still sucks.

(Editor’s Note: The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible if you attempt to shatter the Coca-Cola Blãk bottle and injure yourself due to the bottle shattering or any other accident. The editor of The Impulsive Buy was stupid to try to shatter a glass bottle, so please don’t be stupid.)

Item: Coca-Cola Blãk
Price: 50 cents (8-ounces) (it was definitely on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly really good. Nice fusion of coffee and cola. Nice spicy and coffee scent. Zero grams of fat. Low calorie. Glass bottles that break on the first whack.
Cons: Small 8-ounce bottle. Glass bottle won’t break, so it can’t be used as a shiv. Quasi-product review blog editors who try to shatter glass bottles. Light beer. Bar fights.

Vault

Marvo 31 Comments

Whenever something comes back from the dead and rises out of its grave, I usually expect flesh-eating zombies or a new Tupac Shakur album.

However, this time around what came back from the dead was a citrus soda called Surge, which now has the witness protection agency-like name of Vault. After Surge was killed off, there was a movement to bring back Surge, and Vault was the result of it.

It’s Coke’s answer to the ever popular, totally xtreme, and Yellow No. 5 containing Mountain Dew. As someone who has done the dew way too many times, I noticed that there are some minor similarities between Vault and Mountain Dew.

1. They both come in the same green that the radioactive rod shown during the opening of the Simpsons comes in.

2. They are both citrusy. Although, Vault does have a better citrus taste, which sort of reminded me of a Sprite.

That’s pretty much it for the similarities.

On the other hand, the differences between the two are pretty significant.

1. I felt Vault was easier to drink than Mountain Dew, because it doesn’t have the same bite as Mountain Dew. However, it’s not as easy to drink as Vault’s clear, caffeine-free, wussy-ass, and 7-Up wannabe cousin, Sprite.

2. Vault has more caffeine than Mountain Dew. A 12-ounce serving of Vault contains 70.5 milligrams of caffeine, while Mountain Dew has 55 milligrams per 12-ounce serving. It may not seem like much, but that difference could mean being able to stay up to watch the ENTIRE unedited Lord of the Rings trilogy or just the edited-for-TV version of the Fellowship of the Ring.

Or for those of you who want a porn reference, a can of Mountain Dew will probably get you through the Whore of the Rings I, while a can of Vault will maybe get you through Whore of the Rings I, II, III, and maybe IV and V.

So which one do I prefer? It’s hard to choose one because I really like them both. It’s sort of like choosing cute kittens at kittenwar dot com.

However, due to the bite of Mountain Dew, I would probably drink one if I needed a slap-to-the-balls-type of wake up. However, if I wanted something easier to drink and with more caffeine, I would do the Vault.

Although, I probably could get the same slap-to-the-balls feeling with the Vault, if I slapped my balls with a Vault bottle.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Alena, Rob, and Damien for suggesting Surge…Er, I mean Vault to review.)

Item: Vault
Purchase Price: 89 cents (20-ounce)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Easier to drink than Mountain Dew. Good citrus taste. 70.5 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine in every 12-ounce serving. New Tupac albums after his death. Kittenwar.com
Cons: Its green color reminds me of the radioactive rod shown during the Simpsons intro. A slap to the balls. Flesh-eating zombies.

REVIEW: Jones Soda Holiday Pack 2005

Marvo 38 Comments

Jones Soda Holiday Pack 2005

When I was growing up, I made a list of things I hoped the future would bring. On top of my list, were flying cars, realistic female “companion” androids, and reversible pants. However, below the flying cars and realistic female “companion” androids, but above the reversible pants, I hoped the future would bring drinkable meals.

Thanks to the Jones Soda Company, the future is here. Actually, the future was here last year, when the Jones Soda Company introduced their Holiday Soda Pack. But last year, I was unable to buy a pack off of their website, after it sold out in a few hours, and I was unwilling to pay $50 for a pack on eBay.

Fortunately, the prices were much cheaper on eBay this year, and I was able to partake in the Jones Soda Holiday Pack.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with these sodas, it doesn’t consist of flavors you would find at a typical soda fountain. No root beer. No cola. No strawberry. No orange. No lemon-lime. Instead, there’s turkey and gravy, corn on the cob, smoked salmon pate, broccoli casserole, and pecan pie.

Mmm…Just like mom used to NOT make.

Drinking the Jones Soda Holiday Pack was like a typical Thanksgiving or Christmas family dinner in my mouth with all the fixing, and when I say fixings, I mean the dysfunctional family arguments, the complaining of the dry turkey, and the coming out of a brother or sister.

In other words, there were surprises left and right with each flavor and I hoped I would get through them without crying, injuring myself, or throwing up.

The corn on the cob soda had a very strong buttery taste. Too buttery for me. I got through one-sixth of the bottle and then had to put it down. Although, it is perfect for those who like to put butter on their toast, who like extra butter on their popcorn at the theater, and who have butter coming out of their pores, which causes them to occasionally slip off of the toilet.

The smoked salmon pate soda was the worst tasting soda of the group. It definitely had a smokey taste, and as we all know, where there’s smoke, there’s either a fire or a raging dorm party, and much like after a raging dorm party, the smoked salmon pate soda made me want to hurl chunks. Trying to chug down only two ounces of it was extremely hard. Every sip I took made me feel like Lindsay Lohan in a restroom stall.

The broccoli casserole soda had a surprisingly sweet taste. It tasted like pancake syrup. I’m not kidding. Go into your kitchen, grab a bottle the pancake syrup, chug it down, and after you wake up from your sugar-induced coma, you will know what the broccoli casserole soda tastes like, and you’ll probably want to get your teeth checked for cavities.

The turkey and gravy soda…Um, yeah.

There are various ways to cook a turkey. Someone can stick it in the oven for several hours, cook it rotisserie-style over an open fire, or fry it in gallons of cooking oil. There are also various ways to make gravy, like using packaged gravy powder, mixing turkey fat with corn starch, or collecting the sweat from the contestants on the show The Biggest Loser. However, the turkey and gravy soda didn’t taste like turkey and gravy prepared these ways. Instead, I thought it tasted like candy corn.

Finally, the pecan pie soda was the most normal sounding soda of the group and it also was the only soda that actually tasted like the dish it was supposed to taste like. It was the best tasting out of the five, but that really isn’t saying much.

Besides the taste, another thing that bothered me about the Jones Soda Holiday Pack was the amount of sodium in them. Ranging from 55 mg to 320 mg, these sodas were saltier than Star Jones after being asked if Al Reynolds was gay.

Despite most of the sodas not tasting like items on a holiday dinner table, the Jones Soda Holiday Pack was like a holiday dinner in one way…There were lots of leftovers, which I poured down the drain.

I guess the future isn’t quite here yet.

Item: Jones Soda Holiday Pack 2005
Purchase Price: $17.99 (on eBay + $12.99 shipping)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Only one made me want to hurl chunks. Good gag gift. Cheaper prices for the pack on eBay this year. Reversible pants. Realistic female “companion” androids.
Cons: Most of the flavors didn’t taste like what they were supposed to. Caffeine free. Very high in sodium…for frickin’ soda. Lots of leftovers. Smoked Salmon Pate Soda.