REVIEW: Trader Joe’s Coffee & Dark Chocolate Joe-Joe’s

What are they?

The latest in a line of premium single-sleeve coated Joe-Joe cookies from the best grocery house brand in the game; chocolate sandwich cookies with coffee creme in a dark chocolate and coffee coating.

How are they?

It should come as no surprise — these are awesome. The first thing I notice upon close inspection are the little specs of espresso bean within the drizzle, and the flavor comes through swimmingly. There’s no doubt that these are chocolate-forward, but a bold espresso flavor pops in pretty prominently right after the bittersweet and creamy dark chocolate coating finishes up its opening flourish. The cookie is very crunchy, almost to a fault in that it threatens to explode and crumble everywhere if you’re not careful enough. Luckily, I am a professional.

These dunked and drizzled cookies remind me a lot of a chocolate-covered espresso bean but with reverse ratios of coffee to chocolate. The stronger components are chocolaty sweet — the dark chocolate coating and the wafer cookie — but there’s no denying the presence of ground coffee in the creme and drizzle that gives it that bold bean-adjacent flavor. They’re excellent.

Anything else you need to know?

In 2017 Trader Joe’s beat Nabisco to the punch and released Mocha Joe-Joe’s mere months before the Limited Edition Dunkin Donuts Mocha Oreo debuted. Both were solid cookies, but the Joe-Joe edged out the Oreo just a bit, largely thanks to its bold and authentic coffee flavor. Six years later, TJ’s still hangs its hat on that coffee intensity, and the extra layer of chocolate is a higher quality than anything Nabisco has ever rolled out.

Conclusion:

Trader Joe’s Coffee & Dark Chocolate Joe-Joe’s are not for those who aren’t into the true flavor of coffee, but they’re not reserved for those (like myself) who prefer their coffee black either. They have a brilliant balance of in-your-face-taste and creamy satisfaction that will leave most, if not all, coffee drinkers pleased with their purchase.

Purchased Price: $3.49
Size: 6.8 Ounces
Purchased at: Trader Joe’s
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 cookie, 24g) 120 calories, 6 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 45 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.

QUICK REVIEW: Trader Joe’s Crunchy Cinnamon Squares Milk Chocolate Bar

Trader Joe s Crunchy Cinnamon Squares Milk Chocolate Bar

What is it?

A new candy bar that uses milk chocolate and bits of Trader Joe’s Cinnamon Toast Crunch-like cereal, which, as you can guess, is called Crunchy Cinnamon Squares Cereal.

How is it?

I haven’t tried Trader Joe’s Crunchy Cinnamon Squares Cereal, but from what I can taste in this bar, I feel as if it’s more cinnamon-y and less sugary. The bits provide a lot of cinnamon flavor, but that’s mostly it, more of which I’ll get to in a moment. If you’ve enjoyed cinnamon-enhanced chocolate bars or Abuelita Mexican-style hot cocoa, I imagine you’ll dig this. As someone who loves the chocolate and cinnamon combination, but doesn’t get to enjoy it too often, this candy bar was a treat. The chocolate has a nice creaminess and a great flavor, although its aftertaste makes my mouth feel as if I’ve been chewing Big Red gum.

Is there anything else I need to know?

The wrapper says “bits of crunchy cinnamon squares cereal” and that can be considered an accurate description of what’s inside the chocolate. But, apparently, my definition of “bits” is different than Trader Joe’s version because they’re not what I hoped for.

Trader Joe s Crunchy Cinnamon Squares Milk Chocolate Bar 2

I expected nice chunks of cereal, but instead it’s as if Trader Joe’s took the crumbs at the bottom of a Crunchy Cinnamon Squares Cereal bag, smashed them to make them smaller, and mixed the specks with milk chocolate. There’s some texture, but I refuse to call it crunchy.

Also, you should read the nutrition facts on the back because it will come in handy when you want to eat the entire bar in one sitting. The 70 percent saturated fat might get you to stop eating before it all ends up in your mouth.

Conclusion:

Trader Joe’s Crunchy Cinnamon Squares Milk Chocolate Bar is a great tasting candy bar, but I do wish there were bigger cereal bits in it.

Purchased Price: Received from a friend
Size: 2.8 oz. bar
Purchased at: Trader Joe’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1/3 bar) 130 calories, 8 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, less than 5 milligram of cholesterol, 45 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Trader Joe’s Dark Chocolate Commendation Bar

Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Commendation Bar

I am convinced the LTO product mastermind(s) at Trader Joe’s is Willy Wonka. That’s the only way I can explain the Chocolate Commendation Bar. Like Trader Joe’s current name variations, like Trader Giotto’s, I’m going to call these masterminds Trader Insane-But-Fan-Effing-Tastic’s.

Okay, maybe Wonka Joe’s has a better ring to it.

While most food companies are focused on smaller portions, Wonka Joe’s decided to flip the script for the holidays and make their existing one-pound bar over 300 percent larger. Why not 100 percent or 200 percent? Because Wonka Joe’s knows that in ‘MURICA, you go big or you go home. After all, “a little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.

Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Commendation Bar 2

At a solid 4 pounds 6.4 ounces, the Commendation Bar sounds more like something on a birth certificate, than a shelf. Apparently Wonka Joe’s considered naming this chocolate baby Super Size Chocolate Bars, Wicked Lahge Chocolate Bahs, or You’ve Gotta Be Kidding Me With The Size of These Things Chocolate Bars, but ended up with Commendation Bar because it was worth celebrating. WTF? That’s like picking out names like Apple, Khaleesi, or Sparrow, but going with James.

Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Commendation Bar 3

Name nuances aside, here are my creds for tackling this four-pound beast: the one-pound chocolate bars are a staple on my shopping list. One time when I was purchasing said chocolate bar, the cashier asked if I was going to eat it all by myself. I looked at him indignantly, said “yes, of course,” and proceeded to go home to eat it all in one sitting. So, you can only imagine what the cashier was thinking this time with a four-pound chocolate bar. And, you can probably imagine that I thought I could tackle this bar in one sitting. Boy, was I wrong.

Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Commendation Bar 4

I picked the dark chocolate bar (61 percent cacao) over the milk chocolate (31 percent cacao) because I don’t like my chocolate too sweet. My typical one-pound bar of choice is the dark chocolate with almonds so I stayed in the dark chocolate family.

Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Commendation Bar 5

Opening the bar was like Christmas morning. The bar had 32 perfect rectangles with 11 vertical lines going through each, all wrapped up in silver foil. Given the amount of one-pound bars I consume, I consider myself pretty good at breaking off rows of chocolate but it took me forever to break off a single row on this one. I even smacked the bar on the floor a couple of times and it only dented the surface. A single rectangle was the size of my palm – at least this Commendation Bar is a really good value!

As indicated by the difficulty of breaking the chocolate, it was really hard to eat. I had to angle it sideways and bite like an Olympian biting a gold medal with their molars. Taste-wise, it was just like the one-pound dark chocolate bar – smooth with a perfect balance of bitter and sweet.

Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Commendation Bar 6

One rectangle down, 31 more rectangles to go. I began thinking that instead of a commendation, it was condemnation like the infamous chocolate fudge cake scene in the movie Maltida. I was Bruce Bogtrotter gnawing away at the chocolate bar with my molars. Trunchbull? My own gluttony.

Unlike Bruce, I couldn’t finish the entire bar. I shamefully only finished a single row or four rectangles. Yikes, at this rate, I’ll be eating this bar until next December. Overall, I am impressed that Wonka Joe’s nails quality and quantity.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 square – 330 calories, 200 calories from fat, 22 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium, 490 milligrams of Potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 7 grams of dietary fiber, 22 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $14.99
Size: 70.5 oz. bar
Purchased at: Trader Joe’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Willy Wonka (aka Trader Joe’s LTO product mastermind(s)) had to have been behind this. Good value. Smooth with a perfect balance of bitter and sweet. Nails quality and quantity.
Cons: Really hard to break off – smacking the bar on the floor risks cracking your floors and not the bar itself. Secretly a condemnation bar if you try to eat the whole thing in one sitting.

REVIEW: Trader Joe’s Quasar Bar

Trader Joe's Quasar Bar

Each Halloween, we are given an invitation to be That Place.

You know. The one at the top of the hill with the full-sized Take 5’s and Reese’s Pumpkins that’s decked out with trap doors, creaky porch stairs, and an abandoned basement that’s haunted by Captain Windemere, the one-eyed Disc Jockey who refused to play special requests.

That Place? Is the coolest place in town.

And you and me? We could be That Place. But first, we gotta find, taste, and stock up on the best full-sized candy out there.

So it is that, in a spot of convenient timing, Trader Joe’s gives us not one, but TWO full-sized candy bars to consider for the occasion: the Quasar and the Boffo, here to compete with Milky Way Midnight and Snickers. The Milky Way-ish Quasar is the first runner up for consideration. Let’s see how it goes.

Trader Joe's Quasar Bar 2

In a shape that may or may not look like the CTA-102 qausi-stellar object, this bar sports an impressively smooth coating that tastes of fudge, coffee, and Dove semisweet chocolate while the nougat provides an earthy fluffiness that reminds me of a malted milkshake. The caramel rounds things off with a hefty dose of stretchy toasted sugar. Taken together, there’s fluff, snap, and stretch, which sounds like it came straight from Richard Simmons’ 1995 classic, “Sweatin’ to the Oldies 2: An Aerobic Concert.”

And while that’s all well and good, it’s time for the true test: Milky Way Midnight v. Quasar.

FIGHT!

Trader Joe's Quasar Bar 3

First off, who needs carbon dioxide and stardust? If I’m reading this right, our universe is made of chocolate, caramel, and nougat, which makes me want to quit my job and hop on-board the next spaceship. Look out NASA! Here I come!

Confectionary-driven occupational transitions aside, let us put our science cap on and compare the differences.

Biting in, the Milky Way is softer and fluffier than our Trader Joe’s compatriot. The caramel is thin, but powerful in its toasted-sugar-and-vanilla way. The dark chocolate, on the other hand, serves as little more than a crispy shell that tastes of air, wood shavings, and disappointment. The center nougat works double-time in hopes to make up for the chocolate by giving us a double punch of bright vanilla, but it can’t quite edge out what’s been lost in the chocolate.

On a second chomp of the Quasar, the nuances are front and center. Alongside the malt, sugar, and chocolate, there are hints of brown sugar and toffee in the caramel while the milk chocoltiness of the nougat and the semi-sweetiness of the coating balance off each other in a way that would make Count Chocula jealous. The nougat takes a little more jaw work than its competition, but the chocolate is richer and the caramel is stretchier. Without a doubt, Quasar, you are my new Milky Way.

Trader Joe's Quasar Bar 4

Everything I know about Quasars I learned from Professor Higgins, Power Rangers, and these bars, and, while spatial distortions of gravity, magical swords, and chocolate bars seem dissimilar, they are connected by their capacity for their sheer, unlimited awesomeness. This bar reinforces that: the chocolate is just sweet enough, the caramel is stretchy, and the nougat is fluffy and light. In flavor, texture, and sheer “I want to eat that again,” the Quasar gobbles up the Milky Way Midnight, not even looking back as it cleans its teeth with a toothpick.

But are they good enough to make me That Place this year? I have hope.

Now I just need to find the ghost of a one-eyed Disc Jockey…

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 220 calories, 40 calories from fat, 4 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 30 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.)

Purchased Price: 99 cents
Size: 1.8 oz
Purchased at: Trader Joe’s
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Balance of milk and dark chocolate flavors. Thick, stretchy caramel. My new Milky Way. Quasar CTA-102. “Sweatin’ to the Oldies 2: An Aerobic Concert.”
Cons: Nougat takes some jaw work. Making Count Chocula jealous. The ghosts of Disc Jockeys who refuse to play special requests.

REVIEW: Trader Joe’s Uncured Bacon Jam

Trader Joe's Uncured Bacon Jam

There has to be some mandate from Trader Joe’s corporate that gives talking points to the Hawaiian-shirted cashiers flanking the stores. The bespectacled, olive-skinned gentleman scanned all my groceries and stopped at the new-ish item, Trader Joe’s Uncured Bacon Jam.

“Have you tried this before?” he asked. This is a popular question I get when I’m not just, like, buying six handfuls of dried pasta and a gallon of Charles Shaw wine. I have also gotten “I like your shirt,” and “Why did you stare at that box of Joe Joe’s for fifteen minutes, grunt really loud, and then drop kick that bunch of bananas onto the conveyer belt?” The answer to that one is actually something reasonable about trying to look good for girls, but I have to shop at the other Trader Joe’s now.

I hadn’t tried the Uncured Bacon Jam. The man recommended toasting a sliced baguette and drizzling olive oil on it, then spreading a bit of jam on each piece during a dinner party, with a tinkling piano playing in the background, I’m sure. That sounds really nice. I went home and slathered it on some white bread with peanut butter. It was good.

I was fully prepared to hold up the container and point, declaring, “But it says ‘jam’ on the jar! Like peanut butter and jam!” in a dumb voice, but the sandwich was good. The ingredients complemented each other. In fact, I would say it’s a suitable substitute for any fruit jam use, for better or worse.

Trader Joe's Uncured Bacon Jam 2

The jam itself is spreadable meat immersed in liquid. So, that seems kinda gross. It looks a little like the contents of a sink’s garbage disposal. At first taste, it’s sweet, like any fruit jam would be. It has a baby food-texture that ends in little chewy bits of meat. The sweetness subsides and opens up a smoky, savory roundness that eventually lands on a tart aftertaste.

I ate it off a knife (and only cut my tongue a tiny bit… ladies) and it proved too sweet to eat alone. Even with some bread, anything more than a dollop was too sweet to bear. Like any other jam, a little goes a long way. One thing I did notice is that one of the main ingredients is “dark brown sugar,” which makes this more of a faux-maple bacon food item. The jam definitely needs to pair with something bold to counteract the cloying element.

Trader Joe's Uncured Bacon Jam 3

The jar itself says to add it to pizzas, burgers, sandwiches and appetizers, but I only had it in a peanut butter sandwich and with a grilled cheese. If you use a sharp cheddar/muenster combo, it helps balance the flavor profile nicely, if you don’t use too much. I can’t really think of too many other times I’m putting jam on things, though. With the bacon trend in the rearview mirror, the usefulness of this is a little in question.

Perhaps the jam is not as versatile as the jar would have you believe, but I can see how a tiny spot of this stuff would work at a dinner party with all your Trader Joe’s cashiers in attendance. They’re all sitting around the table wearing Hawaiian shirts, serving tiny paper cups of coffee and commenting on each other’s groceries. Man, I want an invite. Do you think they serve that half-popped popcorn there? And cookie butter? Oh, rainbow carrots and hummus! That’s it. I’m going to march back there and compliment them on their shirts.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 tablespoon – 45 calories, 2 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 5 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein.)

Purchased Price: $4.49
Size: 8.5 oz jar
Purchased at: Trader Joe’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Goes well with a peanut butter sandwich and a grilled cheese. Can be used to substitute any jam.
Cons: When do you put jam on anything? Can be a little too sweet.