Tag: Water

SoBe Life Water (Goji Melon, Agave Lemonade, Yuzu Black Currant)

Marvo 17 Comments

SoBe Life Water’s three years of existence has been much like an Elton John concert — full of flamboyant colors and lots of costume changes. The image you see above is the third packaging for the SoBe Life Water, after their first one was too similar to Vitamin Water’s and their second was distracting, like a drag queen’s make up. It was also hard to read, and when I say “hard to read,” I really mean lame. So while stores everywhere get rid of the old bottles, SoBe’s new flavors — Goji Melon, Agave Lemonade, Yuzu Black Currant — come in bottles with simple labels that won’t get it confused with Vitamin Water or rolled eyes from graphic designers.

What’s also different with these new flavors is the use of exotic fruits with funny names that sound like they were made up. If it weren’t for Wikipedia, I wouldn’t believe these fruits exist. Because Yuzu sounds like the name of a female ninja who protects a young princess from evil forces who want to take over the kingdom she is heir to in some Japanese anime. Goji seems like the name of Yuzu’s clumsy male sidekick who adds a bit of comic relief to the anime and always gets into trouble, which Yuzu has to bail him out of. Finally, Agave sounds like it’s the supernatural power that gives Yuzu her special abilities and the only way to activate it is through a quick chant in an ancient alien language.

My favorite of the three flavors was the extremely drinkable Goji Melon, which if I could buy it in a Costco-sized ten-gallon drum, I would risk a hernia to pick it up and make room for it in my refrigerator. It had a sweet, slightly flowery smell and it tasted like the Japanese berry candy that used to get me fat when I was growing up. The Goji Melon also contains the herbal ingredients, Red Clover and Hibiscus. Red Clover has been used to treat the symptoms of menopause and helps with coughs, mouth ulcers, and sore throats.

So if you’re a 50-year-old female prostitute, I would suggest drinking this.

The Agave Lemonade reminded me of strawberry lemonade, a popular beverage you can get at any apostrophed, sit-down restaurant chain, like Chili’s, Applebee’s, or TGI Friday’s. It’s not even close to being as tart as an actual strawberry lemonade, but it’s just as refreshing. This flavor also contains energy drink ingredient staple Taurine and Yerba Mate.

My least favorite of the three was the Yuzu Black Currant, which tasted somewhat like raspberries. It’s my least favorite because when it got a little warm it smelled and tasted like a buttered popcorn Jelly Belly covered in raspberry jam. The Yuzu Black Currant Life Water also consists of antioxidant-filled Acai and Juniper, which has been used as an herbal remedy for urinary tract infections and as a female contraceptive by Native Americans.

So if you’re a female prostitute younger than 45 years old, I would suggest drinking this.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle (may vary with flavor) – 100 calories, 0 grams fat, 55 milligrams sodium, 41-42 grams sodium, 23-24 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 250% Vitamin C, 50% Vitamin E, 25% Niacin, 25% Vitamin B6, 25% Vitamin B12, 25% Pantothenic Acid, and 10 grams of Naomi Campbell’s anger.)

Item: SoBe Life Water (Goji Melon, Agave Lemonade, Yuzu Black Currant)
Price: $1.49 each
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Goji Melon)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Agave Lemonade)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Yuzu Black Currant)
Pros: Goji Melon was damn good. Agave Lemonade reminded me of strawberry lemonade. No High Fructose Corn Syrup. Good source of Vitamin C. Goji Melon and Yuzu Black Currant are good for 50-year-old prostitutes.
Cons: Yuzu Black Currant smelled and tasted like a buttered popcorn Jelly Belly when warm. Fruit names are weird. Labels don’t explain what they do, like Vitamin Water. The number of apostrophed restaurant chains. The previous packaging for SoBe Life Water. The name SoBe is lame.

REVIEW: Snapple Antioxidant Water

Marvo 14 Comments

With each having their own color and special power, I was hoping these five flavors of Snapple Vitamin Antioxidant Water would combine to form a huge robot, like Voltron: Defender of the Universe or the >Mighty Morphin Power Ranger’s Megazord.

Despite dressing up like King Zarkon from the Planet Doom and throwing other plastic bottles into the trash, instead of recycling them, the Snapple Vitamin Antioxidant Water plastic bottles did nothing to stop my evil ways.

Although Captain Planet did appear and attacked me while saying, “I’ve found another use for these bottles and that’s to kick your ass with them.”

The Snapple Vitamin Antioxidant Water comes in seven flavors, but I was only able to try five of them: Grape Pomegranate, Agave Melon, Strawberry Acai, Orange Starfruit, and Tropical Mango. According to the labels, they all have the power to do something beyond quenching a thirst.

Grape seed extract in the Grape Pomegranate has the power to defy, electrolytes in the Agave Melon has the power to restore, 60 milligrams of caffeine in the Strawberry Acai has the power to awaken, while Vitamin C in the Orange Starfruit and Tropical Mango have the power to protect.

Oh, if only one of them had the power of telekinesis or the power to sober.

Every flavor I tried was good. My two favorite flavors were the unusual tasting Agave Melon and the Strawberry Acai. Overall, they seemed a little less watered down than Glaceau’s Vitamin Water, despite their sugar content being about the same at about 30 grams per bottle. Speaking about similarities with Vitamin Water, the Snapple Vitamin Antioxidant Water also has semi-witty writing on its label, they don’t contain high-fructose corn syrup, and of course, they can’t form into a gigantic robot to fight evil.

Item: Snapple Antioxidant Water
Price: 99 cents each (20-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: All the flavors I tried tasted good. Agave Melon and Strawberry Acai were my favorites. Vitamins A & E. Less watered down taste than Vitamin Water. Electrolytes. No high-fructose corn syrup. Strawberry Acai flavor has 60 milligrams of caffeine.
Cons: Vitamin Water copycat, even includes semi-witty copy on label. Can’t combine to form gigantic robot to fight evil. None has the ability to sober. Getting your ass kicked by Captain Planet.

REVIEW: Glaceau XXX Vitamin Water

Marvo 30 Comments

I thought my addiction to clown porn was pretty bad, but my dependency on Glacéau XXX Vitamin Water is worse.

It started out innocently when I saw it at the store and wanted to try it out, because I’ll try anything just once. I thought I’d have some fun and then move on. I didn’t think anything would become of it, because who gets addicted off of something after trying it just one time? But after finishing a bottle, the demons in my head crawled out of my subconsciousness and told me they wanted more. I went back and bought the five bottles left on the shelf and went through those in the next two days.

Then I went to another convenience store and bought them out. Then another. Then another. Quickly, the sweet XXX gold dried up and I haven’t found any since, which has caused me to have withdrawals. Not only have I been shaking and paranoid, there also have been nights when I looked through my recycle bin and pulled out all the XXX bottles to see if any of them had just a drop of that sweet, slightly-watery tasting liquid, that at this point, I would totally suck a dick for, much like other addicts would in my situation.

Maybe now that Coke has bought Glaceau, I have to suck on Coke’s cock to get more of it. I just hope it’s not as thick as a can of Coke or as long as a 20-ounce bottle.

I went multiple times to see my dealer that hangs out at 7-Eleven and asked how I can get more of it, but my dealer, who likes to be called “7-Eleven Manager,” told me that she wished she could get her hands on the stuff too since it sells out pretty fast. She then told me she’s got other Glacéau Vitamin Water flavors that she can sell me that are just as good the XXX, but I told her, “Naw man, I want the real deal. None any of that pussy shit.”

But I may just have to settle for the pussy shit for now, because I’m getting desperate.

O-h-h-h-h, how I miss the feeling I get when those antioxidants are in my bloodstream. It makes me feel so good. The combination of XXX’s sweet taste and molecules that slow or prevent the oxidation of other molecules makes me feel invincible against free radicals. I don’t get that shit with the bitter-tasting broccoli or green tea.

The Glacéau XXX Vitamin Water gets its name from the three antioxidant-containing fruits in it — acai, blueberry, and pomegranate. With a flavor name like XXX, I expected it to taste like ball sack sweat and KY Jelly, but those three fruits form a delicious, sweet fruit punch flavor that I want so badly I would gladly kill for it.

Each bottle has 200 milligrams of sweet, sweet antioxidants, but unfortunately, 150 milligrams of it is Vitamin C, which I can easily get my hands on from any dealer who sells oranges or Sunny Delight. It’s the other 50 milligrams of antioxidants that I want flowing through my bloodstream. Sure, it’s got 13 grams of sugar per serving, but that’s way less than one of my other former addictions, Mountain Dew.

O-h-h-h-h man, I totally need a fix.

(Nutritional Facts Per Serving (2.5 servings per container): 50 calories, zero fat, zero cholesterol, zero sodium, 13 grams of carbs, 13 grams of sugar, zero protein, 100% Vitamin C, 10% Vitamin B3, 10% Vitamin B6, 10% Vitamin B12, and 10% Vitamin B5.)

Item: Glacéau XXX Vitamin Water
Price: $1.39 (20 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Good fruit punch flavor. Lots of Vitamin C. Seems sweeter than other Vitamin Water flavors. 50 milligrams of antioxidants other than Vitamin C. Some amounts of B Vitamins. Velvet Revolver. Kosher. Electrolytes. Healthier than soda.
Cons: Vitamin C is the most plentiful antioxidant in the bottle, which is plentiful among dealers. Hard to find. My addiction to antioxidants. The demons in my head. Contains less than 1% juice. I would suck Coke’s cock for some. My former addiction to clown porn.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Special K20 Strawberry Kiwi Protein Water

Marvo 20 Comments

(Editor’s Note: When reading this review, please turn your internal reading voice into the voice of a crazy elderly person.)

Oh, I remember a time when water was just water. Oh my, how it has grown over the years. I remember a time when we didn’t get water out of a faucet or a bottle. Instead we would lower a bucket into a well and drink our fill using our cupped hands. That water was so refreshing, except whenever the town drunk would urinate into the well after a long night at the local tavern.

Oh, those were such different times back then. Simpler, if you will.

Oh, I remember those days when humans and forest animals would get along and come together every night to sing jolly melodies and tell adventurous tales of Lewis & Clark’s expedition across America with their grizzly bear companions, the Berenstain Bears and Fozzie Bear.

Oh, those were such wonderful times back then. Peaceful, if you will.

Oh, I remember when we would have competitions with each other to see who could climb to the top of the tallest redwood trees in the forest. Little blue men that called themselves Smurfs would cheer us on with the chant that went like this, “Smurf. Smurf. Smurf.” Then whenever we reached the top, we would say hello to the horned winged horses that circled around the treetops waiting for a rider. From the top of the trees we would leap onto the backs of one of the horned winged horses and whisper the magical words “giddy up” in its ear and it would take us to a magical land filled with edible gingerbread houses, roads paved with chocolate, and rivers flowing with apple juice.

Oh, those were such entertaining times back then. Merry, if you will.

Oh, I also have memories of wooing fair maidens at the local tavern. I would put on my finest Mongolian silk suit, which I purchased for ten dollars from a man of Oriental persuasion. I would drink a few ales to raise my courage so that I may bring myself to converse with the fair maiden with the most amount of teeth using words of poetry equal to a Shakespearian sonnet, like “Your ample busom widens my eyes, reddens my cheeks, and raises my groin.”

Oh, those were such lovely times back then. Charming, if you will.

Oh, what magical well does this Kellogg’s Special K20 Strawberry Kiwi Protein Water come from? Is it the same place where those horned winged horses come from? It’s much more refreshing than the urine-tainted water from a well, because it has a decent light strawberry kiwi taste, but the texture of it was oddly kind of gritty, like licking a dirty Smurf for psychedelic purposes.

Oh, just like fair maidens at a local tavern, it isn’t sweet, and it shouldn’t since it only has eight grams of sugar. If you’re drinking the Kellogg’s Special K20 Strawberry Kiwi Protein Water, you’re probably not drinking it for the sugar anyway, you’re drinking it for the five grams of protein it has, which is more than half the amount of protein in a cup of milk,

Oh, milk. That brings back a memory when we used to suck on a cow’s udder for nourishment and to quench our thirst when the local drunk would urinate into the well. We would lie under Bessy the Cow and suck on one of her teats for hours, while watching the clouds and horned winged horses go by.

Oh, those were the days.

Item: Kellogg’s Special K20 Strawberry Kiwi Protein Water
Price: $1.39 (16-ounces)
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Decent light strawberry kiwi taste. Not too sweet. Only 50 calories per bottle. 5 grams of protein = 10% of daily allowance. 8 grams of sugar per bottle. Licking a dirty Smurf for psychedelic purposes. Sucking on Bessy the Cow’s teat. The magical land filled with gingerbread houses, roads of chocolate, and rivers of apple juice.
Cons: Gritty texture. Not a good source of other vitamins and minerals. A cup of milk has more protein. Excessive use of “oh.” When the town drunk would urinate into the well.

REVIEW: Ethos Water

Marvo 32 Comments

I need to figure out which one of these four scenarios using Ethos Water would guarantee me a ticket into hell.

Scenario One – Visit a third-world country, like Ethiopia, and hold a wet t-shirt contest using hundreds of bottles of Ethos Water to wet the t-shirts in a village that has no clean drinking water.

Scenario Two – Make my way to Honduras, one of the poorest countries in the Americas, and have a car wash in a town that has very little drinking water and not many cars, using thousands of bottles of Ethos Water to rinse off the cars.

Scenario Three – Fly by helicopter to a remote African desert village that has no drinking water with a huge bathtub. Then fill the bathtub with Ethos Water, while also pouring bubble bath soap. Then I would soak in the bathtub for about one minute, occasional make “bubbles” of my own, and then dump the water onto the hot ground and watch it evaporate.

Scenario Four – Getting a bunch of my friends and giving each of them a Super Soaker. Then we’ll all drive to a little village in India without any clean drinking water and turn it into a Super Soaker battlefield, using Ethos Water as our ammo.

After reading this, some of you might be wishing that I do end up in hell and Lucifer sticks one of his horns up my ass for being so cruel to those thirsty people. But if you think about it, I don’t think any of these scenarios would get me a free pass into hell because with all the Ethos Water I would be purchasing, I would actually be helping those people get clean drinking water.

Yes, by wasting clean drinking water, I would be helping those people in third-world countries get clean drinking water. For each bottle of Ethos Water purchased, five cents will be donated towards the goal of contributing $10 million over the next five years to alleviate the world water crisis.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Holy cheap ass bastards, Marvo! Five whole frickin’ cents!

For something that retails for almost two dollars, you would think they could be a little more charitable. At five cents per bottle, they would have to sell 200 million bottles of Ethos Water to reach their $10 million goal.

If they donated ten cents per bottle, they would make a whole lot more to bring clean drinking water to many countries and still have enough for ONE My Super Sweet Sixteen party for some rich-ass spoiled bitch.

Two hundred million bottles may seem like a lot, but fortunately, Ethos Water is available at all Starbucks, which acquired Ethos Water in 2005.

As for the water itself, if I was a dehydrated child from a poor country, this Ethos Water would probably taste so damn good. But I’m a quasi-product review blog editor, and I think Ethos Water is just as refreshing as every other bottled water out there and tastes just like every other bottled water out there, except with a hint of good karma.

Five cents worth of good karma.

Item: Ethos Water
Price: $1.85
Purchased at: Cost Plus World Market
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Helps children get clean water. Bigger than usual bottle (approx. 24 ounces). Five cents of good karma. Refreshing for quasi-product review blog editors. Really refreshing for dehydrated children in poor countries.
Cons: Pricey compared with other bottled water. Only five cents of each bottle sold goes towards helping get clean drinking water. Tastes like every other bottled water.