REVIEW: Jones Soda Holiday Pack 2005

Jones Soda Holiday Pack 2005

When I was growing up, I made a list of things I hoped the future would bring. On top of my list, were flying cars, realistic female “companion” androids, and reversible pants. However, below the flying cars and realistic female “companion” androids, but above the reversible pants, I hoped the future would bring drinkable meals.

Thanks to the Jones Soda Company, the future is here. Actually, the future was here last year, when the Jones Soda Company introduced their Holiday Soda Pack. But last year, I was unable to buy a pack off of their website, after it sold out in a few hours, and I was unwilling to pay $50 for a pack on eBay.

Fortunately, the prices were much cheaper on eBay this year, and I was able to partake in the Jones Soda Holiday Pack.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with these sodas, it doesn’t consist of flavors you would find at a typical soda fountain. No root beer. No cola. No strawberry. No orange. No lemon-lime. Instead, there’s turkey and gravy, corn on the cob, smoked salmon pate, broccoli casserole, and pecan pie.

Mmm…Just like mom used to NOT make.

Drinking the Jones Soda Holiday Pack was like a typical Thanksgiving or Christmas family dinner in my mouth with all the fixing, and when I say fixings, I mean the dysfunctional family arguments, the complaining of the dry turkey, and the coming out of a brother or sister.

In other words, there were surprises left and right with each flavor and I hoped I would get through them without crying, injuring myself, or throwing up.

The corn on the cob soda had a very strong buttery taste. Too buttery for me. I got through one-sixth of the bottle and then had to put it down. Although, it is perfect for those who like to put butter on their toast, who like extra butter on their popcorn at the theater, and who have butter coming out of their pores, which causes them to occasionally slip off of the toilet.

The smoked salmon pate soda was the worst tasting soda of the group. It definitely had a smokey taste, and as we all know, where there’s smoke, there’s either a fire or a raging dorm party, and much like after a raging dorm party, the smoked salmon pate soda made me want to hurl chunks. Trying to chug down only two ounces of it was extremely hard. Every sip I took made me feel like Lindsay Lohan in a restroom stall.

The broccoli casserole soda had a surprisingly sweet taste. It tasted like pancake syrup. I’m not kidding. Go into your kitchen, grab a bottle the pancake syrup, chug it down, and after you wake up from your sugar-induced coma, you will know what the broccoli casserole soda tastes like, and you’ll probably want to get your teeth checked for cavities.

The turkey and gravy soda…Um, yeah.

There are various ways to cook a turkey. Someone can stick it in the oven for several hours, cook it rotisserie-style over an open fire, or fry it in gallons of cooking oil. There are also various ways to make gravy, like using packaged gravy powder, mixing turkey fat with corn starch, or collecting the sweat from the contestants on the show The Biggest Loser. However, the turkey and gravy soda didn’t taste like turkey and gravy prepared these ways. Instead, I thought it tasted like candy corn.

Finally, the pecan pie soda was the most normal sounding soda of the group and it also was the only soda that actually tasted like the dish it was supposed to taste like. It was the best tasting out of the five, but that really isn’t saying much.

Besides the taste, another thing that bothered me about the Jones Soda Holiday Pack was the amount of sodium in them. Ranging from 55 mg to 320 mg, these sodas were saltier than Star Jones after being asked if Al Reynolds was gay.

Despite most of the sodas not tasting like items on a holiday dinner table, the Jones Soda Holiday Pack was like a holiday dinner in one way…There were lots of leftovers, which I poured down the drain.

I guess the future isn’t quite here yet.

Item: Jones Soda Holiday Pack 2005
Purchase Price: $17.99 (on eBay + $12.99 shipping)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Only one made me want to hurl chunks. Good gag gift. Cheaper prices for the pack on eBay this year. Reversible pants. Realistic female “companion” androids.
Cons: Most of the flavors didn’t taste like what they were supposed to. Caffeine free. Very high in sodium…for frickin’ soda. Lots of leftovers. Smoked Salmon Pate Soda.

38 thoughts on “REVIEW: Jones Soda Holiday Pack 2005

  1. Ewww… those sodas sound nasty. And who would want to pay that much for them anyway? And I thought Snapple’s Apple Pie flavored stuff was bad.

  2. Because it’s not weird enough that there’s turkey and salmon flavored sodas… the broccoli one tastes like syrup! Okay!

    My head hurts.

  3. I bought mine at Target and oh my god they were the nastiest sodas I have ever tasted. Just smelling them was nasty then when I took a drink, well, I had to drink several beers to get the taste out of of my mouth. The worst one for me was the Brussell Sprouts. Putrid.

  4. Why do they even make this stuff? How did it get popular? I mean, smoked salmon pate soda? They must have been smoking some really good stuff at the Jones Soda Company when they came up with these flavors.

  5. I saw this pack at Target this year and almost bought it out of sheer curiousity and novelty, but I ended up passing on it. I do recommend Jones root beer, though. MMMMMMM. It’s almost as good as Stewart’s or IBC.

  6. I tried all of these at thanksgiving. I can still taste the Salmon soda….it’s one of the few things in life that’s actually worse than it sounds. I wanted to saw my tongue off after tasting it. Gah.

  7. Ewww, Salmon Soda. I can pictures the guys at Jones Soda Company taking massive amounts of salmon and squeezing the juices into a Soda Bottle… yuck!

    Goes to show, you can make money for a gross product as long as it introduces some level of curiosity. Kinda like those Harry Potter jelly bellies.

  8. Can you imagine being a taste tester for these guys? Think of all the horrible variations they must have had to try to decide that the salmon soda you bought was the final version. Yuck.

  9. 3 out of 5?? I agree with givtdrone – I got the Thanksgiving pack from Target ($10!) and couldn’t drink more than a sip or two of each one. They were all horrendous, and I was physically ill for about an hour afterwards.

  10. geez sounds like jones is trying to be like willy wonka! u see, it would be the future if it tasted EXACTLY like what it said it should. but whoever did the taste testing for these sodas obviously has some dead tasebuds or something if u wanted to hurl chunks. all the flavours i would try but smoked salmon pate?! OH GOD would i want salmon soaked in soda and then drink it? probably not! i think the best they can do is invent something with dessert flavours, not just strawberry orange or lime, but like chocolate souffle soda and pumpkin pie with whipped cream soda or apple pie and ice cream soda and the list goes on…

  11. man, I’m glad you did the honors and taste-tested this so I didn’t have to. I’ve been a fan of Jones soda for a long time… the NORMAL flavors though. During breaks at work we used to head down to the corner liquor store where they would have an everchanging supply of different Jones sodas. Picking out a new Jones flavor to try used to be the highlight of my day there.

    I’d heard about the holiday pack and was really meaning to give it a try, but I’ll probably pass now. I think it works a lot better with weird flavors for the Bertie Botts beans because each bean doesn’t cost and arm and a leg. Interesting… no one mentioned the fact that a ton of people try to get their own pictures on the Jones soda labels by sending them in. But I don’t know anyone who’s gotten on a bottle, or if they even do that anymore. We would often make “fake” Jones soda bottle labels featuring co-workers in “inappropriate” positions for fun.

  12. After reading the review and the pros and cons, I can’t understand how you gave these a 3 out of 5.

    Bryan – sounds like you worked at quite a fun place.

  13. Marvo, will you do me a flavor 🙂 and look and see if there is a mark of a Kosher symbol on any or all of those Jones sodas? Jones Sodas I believe are certified Kosher and i also believe the symbol used by the company to show its Kosher certification is a K with a star around it. (Other notifications of Kosher, of there are myriad, FYI, include a capital U with a circle around it and a capital K with a circle around it.) Could you see if there is a symbol like any of the aforementioned on there? I am very curious! (These symbols have nothing to do with the circle R for registered or the little TM for trademark.)

    That said… those sodas sound AWFUL. UGH UGH UGH.

    Bleah.

  14. Lucy:

    Snapple Apple Pie
    Had a couple of bottles.
    I thought they were good.

    Jude:

    An impulsive splurge.
    I REALLY wanted to try.
    No Target store here.

    Mir:

    Drink salmon soda.
    Will help you forget headache.
    But stomach will hurt.

    govtdrone:

    Brussel sprouts soda?
    I don’t think I would like it.
    Brussel sprouts suck hard.

    Chuck:

    Sex can sell products.
    Novelty can sell stuff too.
    Curious minds buy.

    Muneer:

    Walmart scarier.
    Old folks greet at the front door.
    A shoplifter’s dream.

    Caroline:

    Reversible pants.
    Turn it inside out when stains.
    No one notice it.

    Anne:

    Why do they do it?
    Because people will buy it.
    Weird people like me.

    nat:

    Jones root beer I like.
    Was addicted years ago.
    But now can’t find it.

  15. ultradave:

    Please don’t remind me.
    Salmon Pate soda sucked.
    I feel sick right now.

    Ultimate Best Vamp Ever:

    Curiosity.
    I feel like Curious George.
    Damn stupid monkey.

    Jessica:

    Now feeling nauseous.
    Must not think about salmon.
    Must run to toilet.

    Joseph:

    Like Iron Chef score.
    Originality counts.
    Makes a good gag gift.

    wacky:

    I have dead tastebuds.
    After drinking these sodas.
    Will they soon grow back.

    Bryan:

    Yup, they still do it.
    That’s what the Jones bottle said.
    So send your pics in.

    cybele:

    Novelty scores high.
    Creativity scores high.
    I might have been high. 😉

    Karen:

    Yup, they are Kosher.
    K’s with a star around it.
    Good for Jewish friends.

  16. am i the only one that thought these were sold as novelty only? i didnt realize people actually consumed this shit… i do like regular jones soda though – gosh i miss america

    and may i point out (without being too bitchy) that many of us are still patiently waiting for the grey goose review 😉

  17. you drank the smoked salmon pate one? dude, you have balls of STEEL! I don’t think I could even taste that on a bet! one time when I had my mouth wired shut, my mom pureed a Whopper and I tried to drink it. NEVER AGAIN.

  18. Well, I found a bunch of jones sodas at halloween – candy corn, caramel apple, and two others that escape me. They were completely foul. Not to be confused with fowl, which would be just fine.

    (*)>

  19. A lot of guts needed for these. I bought a pack of the 2004 collection (Turkey & Gravy, Cranberry, Mashed Potato & Butter, Green Bean Casserole and Fruitcake Soda) and brought it into work with Dixie cups for all to try.

    My favorite was not getting them cold either, room temp, just like thanksgiving 🙂

    The Mashed Potato made most people gag, including myself. It was like salt, fake butter and Splenda. Just awful. Most people agreed that Turkey and Gravy was just salty. GBCass was….wait, they were all pretty bad except the Cranberry, even the Fruitcake had a baked smell/taste to it.

    -UC

    p.s. Marvo, that pack was the regional pack of Jones Soda. The National Pack has Brussels Sprout with Prosciutto, Cranberry Sauce, Turkey & Gravy, Wild Herb Stuffing, and Pumpkin Pie.

  20. Chris – Yeah, they were pretty lame…and they were hard to do. I kept counting 5-7-5…5-7-5…5-7-5.

    Megan – I know, I know. Grey Goose review. It’s been a fun one to test.

    Teresa – Because there are people like me who would buy these sodas just to torture myself. When Kevin Federline releases his rap CD, I will torture myself to review it.

    Melanie – $4.99!?! Holy crap! I totally got ripped off. If I could reach you, I wouldn’t hit you, I’d give you a weak slap and giggle like a little girl.

    Webmiztris – I have balls of steel? That would explain why I can’t cross my legs and why they keep dragging on the ground.

    birdwoman – I heard about the halloween pack. The flavors sound better than this one.

    dramastically – I totally dig creativity and I believe it totally deserves one point for being original and creative.

    Uncle C – You know, these may be horrible to taste, but if they come out with a new variety next year, I will probably buy some off of eBay again. Mmm…Candied Yam Soda.

    Karen – No, I just do what I’m told. Ask me to jump, and I’ll ask you, “How high?”

    HexiumVII – I know. I know. I should upgrade to WP 2.0, but I’m so lazy. I know. I know. It takes less than five minutes to upgrade. But I’m sooo lazy.

    Gia on Guam – Haikus are hard. 🙁

  21. You truly are a brave, brave man Marvo. I love salmon, but hearing about a salmon pate SODA makes me ill.

    Can’t stay away from the haikus, huh? 😉

  22. Like many other posters, I saw this gift pack on the 75% off rack at Target and passed on it. So glad I did, now! I did buy some Choxie chocolate covered raisins, those were good. Want me to send you some Choxie?

  23. Apparently so is proof-reading posts prior to clicking the “say it!” button.

    YOU’RE a Haiku fool.

  24. Toni – Gotta love the haiku, because sonnets are way too hard.

    Amber LB – I have a couple Choxie bars sitting in my fridge from my trip to California, waiting to be reviewed. I hear really good things about them. If they aren’t good I’m just going to melt them and mix them with a generic brand chocolate bar for playing with my emotions.

    Gia on Guam – Just like clothing, proper grammar is optional here.

  25. I want my soda to taste like soda, not food. Also, it would actually suck if they made sodas that really DID taste like Turkey and Gravy and Corn. Why? Because then there’s no need to cook them, you just buy the bottles, and then all the food-making rituals of Thanksgiving disappear.

  26. I have had the misfortune of trying these…i vomited for 10 minutes. I feel the people at Jones have taken their soda obsession too far and need to be bludgeoned. I think the only person who enjoyed these “treats” was Star Jones…

  27. rfduck – What I REALLY want is dehydrated food pills. Just add water.

    Nicki – Bludgeoned with a Jones Soda bottle? Wouldn’t that be ironic?

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