Armed with a $50 gift card and a twisted obsession with anything gimmicky, I drifted into Best Buy with my eyes peeled and my mind open. At every corner, I was ambushed by tall and gawky nerds in bright blue shirts who asked me if I was finding everything okay. I eventually replied, “No, for you see, I’m just an caveman. Your wares frighten and confuse me!” which bemused them and eventually got them off my back.
As I made my way towards the center of the store, I literally stumbled upon the giant display of the new Nintendo DS game Guitar Hero: On Tour. After knocking down roughly half of the boxes, I managed to pick them up in time before any employees could come around to shoot me an angry leer. The game certainly looked intriguing enough, and in the end, the box art’s promise of turning me into a meth-addicted white trash rocker was too much to pass up.
Fifty dollars is a lot for a DS game, but it does have plenty of extras included. The contents of the package are as follows: a four-button fret with an adjustable strap that fits into the DS’s Gameboy slot, a plastic “skin” for the device, a pick-shaped stylus that fits in the contraption, an adapter for players with an old DS, and the video game itself. I must warn you that the device is a bit small. Since I have tiny little girl hands, however, I had no problem with the size.
For those uninitiated with Guitar Hero, you simply match your fingers to the notes displayed on the screen and strum at the moment that they reach the bottom. You would typically do this with a guitar controller that looks like a Fisher Price toy, but in this version you move your fingers on the attached frets and “strum” with your pick stylus on the touch screen. It works surprisingly well with near-perfect accuracy, meaning that you have no one to blame but yourself when you are booed off the stage.
The downside, of course, is that you are actually playing a simulation of a simulation. The creators of Futurama have already parodied this paradox, but little did they know that it would come true 992 years earlier than they predicted. You won’t get the enjoyment of pretending that you’re Slash or any of your other favorite drugged up guitarists, but you will get a great portable music game with enough tracks (26 in all) to keep you entertained until your parents kick your slacker ass out of the house.
If you want more info, check out my poorly narrated video for a content and game play demonstration.
Item: Guitar Hero: On Tour Price: $49.99 Purchased at: Best Buy Rating: 8 out of 10 Pros: Comes with fun and gimmicky fret controller that is sure to impress the ladies in public. Game works surprisingly well for a portable version. Other than Elite Beat Agents, this is the only good music game currently released for the DS. Cons: Much pricier than regular DS games, which typically retail for $30. Can’t pretend that you’re actually playing a guitar. Controller might be a bit small for people with adult-sized hands. Overbearing employees.
From my front door, it takes a few hundred steps for me to get to the Burger King down the street. Sometimes it takes more, if I stop at the Moonlight Massage parlor along the way, which are open during the hours of 10 p.m. and 4 a.m., and sometimes it takes less, if I take my car or if I stop by the Moonlight Massage and ask my masseuse, Persia, to replace the usual “Happy Ending” with a trip to Burger King, because really, getting a Whopper delivered to you is truly a happy ending. Sometimes I wish the Burger King was much closer, but thanks to the Burger King Ketchup & Fries Potato Snacks I can experience Burger King without leaving my apartment and without asking Persia to walk in her five inch heels down the street.
To be honest, I’m not a fan of Burger King french fries so I didn’t think I’d like these. However, the good news is that these potato snacks didn’t taste like Burger King french fries. The bad news is that these potato snacks are worse than Burger King french fries. To sum up how I feel about them, I came up with this simple equation:
Burger King Ketchup & Fries Potato Snacks is less than Burger King french fries is less than a slap in the face
Its tangy ketchup flavor came in the form of a powder that is Homeland Security Red in color and sticks to your fingers, making them look like they caught something from being in Paris Hilton’s disarrayed va-jay-jay. Sucking the flavor off my fingers is usually a pleasurable experience that I pay for at the Moonlight Massage, but that wasn’t the case with the bright red powder since it made my fingers smell like Thousand Island dressing, one of the least erotic salad dressings, right next to blue cheese. The flavor of the Burger King Ketchup & Fries Potato Snacks had a strong vinegary smell and taste, which bordered between bad ketchup flavored Pringles and bad barbeque flavored potato chips.
But not everything is bad about the Burger King Ketchup & Fries Potato Snacks. They are healthier than a small size of Burger King french fries and contain no trans fats, but if that’s all they’ve got going for them, it’s not good. Well, it looks like my Happy Endings will continue to end with a Whopper.
(Nutrition Facts – Approx. 16 chips – 150 calories, 8 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 240 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 1 grams of sugar, 1 grams of sugars, and 5 red powdery fingers.)
Item: Burger King Ketchup & Fries Potato Snacks Price: $1.49 (3 ounces) Purchased at: PriceBusters Rating: 4 out of 10 Pros: A Happy Ending and those that end with a Whopper. Zero trans fat. Healthier than Burger King fries. A slap in the face compared with Burger King fries. Cons: Worse than Burger King fries. Strong vinegar smell and taste. Leaves red powder on fingers that smell like Thousand Island dressing, the least erotic salad dressing. Walking in five inch heels. Burger King fries.
Last summer, Pepsi in Japan introduced the very limited edition Pepsi Ice Cucumber, which sold out in less than a month and helped Japan maintain their title of Country Most Likely Not To Use Focus Groups. This summer, they gave the finger to focus groups again and released the limited-edition, Japan-only, Pepsi Blue Hawaii.
The beverage is based on the Blue Hawaii cocktail, which is made of rum, pineapple juice, blue Curacao, sweet and sour mix, and sometimes vodka. Despite living in Hawaii and being of drinking age for the past decade, I have yet to consume a Blue Hawaii, because I’m allergic to cocktail umbrellas and drinks that make me look like a drunk sorority girl ready to flash her boobs when a video camera and Joe Francis come by.
The color of the Pepsi Blue Hawaii could best be described as Smurf-like, which makes sense since the idea of the Pepsi Blue Hawaii made me feel the same way I feel about the future Smurfs movie — it’s probably going to suck, but it has a certain allure to it that tickles my smurfs. After tasting it, I have to say that the Pepsi Blue Hawaii isn’t so smurftastic, but it is just a little smurfy.
The pineapple and lemon flavor combination was really smurfing sweet and artificial, especially the pineapple. I really didn’t enjoy it at first, but just like my experience with the Pepsi Ice Cucumber, I got used to its flavor and somewhat enjoyed it. I think its fruity flavor would make it a smurftastic mixer if you want to get totally smurfed off of something blue and can get your hands on some Pepsi Blue Hawaii.
I’m not sure what the smurf is so mutha smurfing appealing to my taste buds with the Pepsi Blue Hawaii, but for some smurfing reason, companies in Japan seem to know how to make smurfing products that sound and look unsmurfy, but in the end, turn out to be kind of smurfy. So I look forward to a new mutha smurfing flavor next summer from Pepsi in Japan. My money is on Pepsi Ice Carrot or Cherry Blossom Pepsi.
(Editor’s Note: TIB would like to thank reader Fury for sending a bottle of Pepsi Blue Hawaii from Japan, along with a bunch of other goodies to review. Domo arigato gozaimasu!)
Item: Pepsi Blue Hawaii Price: FREE (only available in Japan) Purchased at: Received from TIB reader Fury Rating: 6 out of 10 Pros: Just a little smurfy. Comes in a Smurf color. After a few sips, I got used to the flavor and somewhat enjoyed it. Might make a good mixer. Using focus groups. Getting my smurfs tickled. Cons: Pineapple and lemon flavor was smurfing sweet and artificial. Didn’t like the flavor at first. Available only in Japan. Limited edition. Drinks that make me look like a drunk sorority girl. Cocktail umbrellas.
Being a die-hard Celtics fan, I recently had the great pleasure of watching Kobe Bryant lose in historic fashion in the NBA Finals. I never liked Kobe, probably stemming from the time he took pop singer Brandy to his high school prom. It all seemed very insincere. At that moment, I could have sworn that it was a Michael Jackson−Lisa Marie Presley situation where he was covering up his secret disturbing sexuality by dating a woman that he could never really be attracted to. I mean, come on…Moesha? I’m not gay, but I’m pretty certain that I’d rather have sex with her brother Ray J.
Perhaps the best Kobe Bryant-related news I’ve heard all week, however, stems from a club frequented by former teammate and fellow adulterer Shaquille O’Neal. Shaq hates Kobe, not just because he is a sociopathic ball-hog, but because he told the police that Shaq paid off women to keep them quiet about their unsavory trysts. This all led up to TMZ catching juvenile-ly hilarious footage of Shaq in a club commanding Kobe to “tell me how my ass tastes” through the medium of freestyle rap.
I don’t know what Kobe’s response is, though I’m certain that he would somehow manage to fit in “We just have to toughen up on defense,” but I’d imagine that the taste of Shaq’s ass is not dissimilar to Jimmy Dean’s Pancakes & Sausage Minis. Maybe that’s being a little harsh, but I can’t imagine why anyone would ever want to eat these things when there’s a much better version on the market that comes on a stick. My philosophy has always been that things taste better on sticks. Preferably deep fried sticks. Don’t ask me why, it’s just how things are.
Since I bought this box on the eve of my championship celebration, I had high hopes for these bite-sized Minis. Unfortunately for me, nothing ruins my mood faster than crappy and overpriced food. These Minis were soggy, disarmingly sweet, and had the texture of ground rubber. Being a fair reviewer, I then tried a batch in the toaster over.
For my patience, I was rewarded with a saccharine, crispy shell of batter surrounding a fine piece of ground rubber. As you could probably imagine, I quickly grew weary of this mysterious rubber sausage and went to the local Pep Boys to inquire about its recycled value. Alas, as I’m sure Shaq would enjoy hearing Kobe say something about his ass, sometimes things are just better in bigger packages.
(Nutritional Facts – 3 pieces – 260 calories, 160 calories from fat, 18 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 30 mg of cholesterol, 510mg sodium, 19 grams of carbs, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 7 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 0% Vitamin A, 0% Vitamin C, 2% Calcium, 4% Iron)
Item: Jimmy Dean Pancakes & Sausage Minis Price: $3.29 Purchased at: Stater Bros. Rating: 2 out of 10 Pros: Small, convenient size for families on the go who don’t care if they enjoy what they’re eating. For the environmentally conscious, sausage may be recyclable. Freestyle rapping about the taste of ass. Cons: Very small portion for the price that you’re paying. Comes out soggy in the microwave. Extremely sweet for a product that isn’t honey-battered. Sausage tastes like a tire.
Congratulations to Impulsive Buy reader Natalie (comment #53) for being the winner of the Mountain Dew Dewmocracy prize pack. Thanks to everyone who participated and keep an eye out for a new prize drawing in the next few weeks.
Oh, while I have your attention, if you have a Twitter account, you can follow The Impulsive Buy Twitter here. I tweet about new products I’ve seen, heard, or tried, plus whatever else comes up. If you don’t know what Twitter is, you can read more about it here. Also, if you think Ace’s writing is sexy, you should hear his voice. He and his friends Omar and Frank discuss various stories from the week for their Better Than Everything podcast.
Coffee is probably one of the original gangstas of energy drinks, so the idea of adding an energy drink to coffee seems unnecessary, like a bra on an Olsen twin. But companies who like to energize the masses and make money doing so think this fusion is necessary and have created coffee energy drinks to make the beverage of choice for tired office workers everywhere in their cubicles of shame a little more extreme.
Monster Energy was the first to do it, Rockstar Energy was next to do it, Starbucks recently came out with theirs, and now Full Throttle Energy Drink has their own coffee energy drink with the uninspired name of Full Throttle Coffee.
Next up for the Full Throttle Energy Drink? Following others into a volcano.
Full Throttle Coffee comes in three flavors: Mocha, Vanilla, and Caramel. I’ve pretty much enjoyed every single coffee energy drink I’ve tried, including these from Full Throttle. However, these are definitely sweeter and creamier than the coffee energy drinks from the other companies. But I guess when each can has 43-48 grams of sugar and has cream in its ingredients list, it fucking makes sense.
The chocolate, vanilla, and caramel flavors really drown out the coffee taste in their respective drinks, which is good if you don’t like the bitterness of coffee, but bad if you like your coffee to be as bitter as your feeling towards your ex-significant other.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 can (varies between flavor) – 250-270 calories, 7 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 370-390 milligrams of sodium, 45-50 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 43-48 grams of sugar, 4-5 grams of protein, 15% calcium, 200% niacin, 200% vitamin B6, 1123-1124 milligrams of taurine, 167-168 milligrams of ginseng extract, 27 milligrams of carnitine, 1.3 milligrams of guarana extract, and 126-131 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine.)
Item: Full Throttle Coffee Energy Drink (Mocha, Vanilla, Caramel) Price: $1.99 (15 ounces) Purchased at: 7-Eleven Rating: 7 out of 10 (Mocha) Rating: 7 out of 10 (Vanilla) Rating: 7 out of 10 (Caramel) Pros: Smells and tastes good. No high fructose corn syrup. Creamy. Strong chocolate, vanilla, and caramel flavor. Over 100 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine. Cons: Another coffee energy drink. High fructose corn syrup. Lots of fucking sugar. Sweetness drowns out coffee flavor. Maybe too sweet for some. Uninspired name. Cubicles of shame. Just following other energy drinks.
The Strawberry Nesquik powder mix was a guilty pleasure of mine growing up. It was probably the only pink thing I enjoyed during my days of Underoos, Robotech cartoons and ColecoVision. I didn’t prefer it over Chocolate Nesquik, but it was nice to drink on occasion…on the down low. Because what little boy who doesn’t like to get beaten up would admit they enjoy the girly-colored Strawberry Nesquik. I’m not sure why I enjoyed it. Maybe it was its unnatural strawberry taste or unnatural Pepto-Bismol pink color or because when I drank it, it made me feel so alive…so alive.
Now that I’m older and don’t fit into my Underoos anymore, I’ve come across other guilty pleasures that have replaced Strawberry Nesquik — some legal and some illegal in certain states. Because I’m a big boy now, I need a big boy way to consume artificial, unnatural tasting strawberry goodness. Thankfully, Strawberry Chex fills my need, and apparently the need for the General Mills Corporation to make their Chex Cereal flavor choices seem less ethnic. Rice Chex? Chocolate Chex?
The Strawberry Chex cereal consists of oven toasted rice and corn cereal with 50 percent of the cereal having a powdery strawberry-flavored coating on them. I think the cereal was pretty tasty because it smelled and tasted like strawberry Pop-Tarts, although not as sticky sweet. In milk, the cereal got soggy at a normal pace and the cereal’s powdered flavoring gave the milk a slight strawberry flavor, which took me back to my younger days of hiding Strawberry Nesquik in my Return of the Jedi Thermos.
(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup – 130 calories, 2 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 35 milligrams of potassium, 26 grams of carbs, <1 gram of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 17 grams of other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein, and many vitamins and minerals.)
Item: Strawberry Chex Price: $3.00 (on sale) Purchased at: Safeway Rating: 7 out of 10 Pros: Good. Tastes like strawberry Pop-Tarts. Milk turns slightly strawberry flavored. My Return of the Jedi Thermos. Strawberry Nesquik making me feel so alive. Robotech cartoons. Cons: 50 percent of the cereal has the strawberry flavoring. Having to hide my guilty pleasure of Strawberry Nesquik. My current guilty pleasures. My Underoos don’t fit anymore.
Coffee and tea are very much alike. Both need to be roasted to get their flavor, both come in caffeinated and decaffeinated forms, and both are spelled with unnecessary letters, that if removed, wouldn’t affect their pronunciations. Cofe or T, anyone? If I had to choose between a racist tea party with Amy Winehouse or a coffee-fueled marathon of The Hills, I would have to choose the racial slur slinging and tea sipping festivities with Ms. Winehouse and hope that no stray needle hits me or her eyelashes don’t devour me like a Venus Flytrap. I would choose the tea party because I really enjoy tea in any situation and because watching several episodes of The Hills would cause my IQ to drop by about 50 points.
Recently, I’ve been enjoying the new Revolution 3D Teas because I like my tea just the way I like my Fruity Pebbles — cold, fruity and sweet. The canned beverage comes in four flavors: blueberry, mango, pomegranate and green apple. According to Revolution Tea, it’s a “Multi Dimensional Beverage” because it contains a super fruit, multiple vitamins, white tea, yadda, yadda, yadda. All of that is nice, but I’ve been staring at these Revolution 3D cans for hours and have yet to see the image of a sailboat or anything else pop out at me.
Each Revolution 3D Tea had a perfectly balanced taste. Its sweetness was just right, each flavor had a slight tartness, the fruit didn’t overpower the flavor of the tea and the tea didn’t overpower the flavor of the fruit. I really enjoyed all the flavors, but the mango and pomegranate were my favorites. What I also really enjoyed about this product are the sweet, sweet antioxidants from the white tea and super fruits, although each only contained 2% juice, so I’m not too sure how much the super fruits contributed to its antioxidant content. All that I hope for is that it’s enough to protect me if I were to get hit by one of Ms. Winehouse’s flying heroin needles.
(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 70 calories, 0 grams of fat, 5 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 16 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 100% vitamin C, 20% vitamin B3, 20% vitamin B6, 20% vitamin B12, 20% vitamin B5, and 3D.)
Item: Revolution 3D Tea Price: FREE (12 ounces) Purchased at: Sent by Revolution Tea people Rating: 8 out of 10 (mango) Rating: 8 out of 10 (pomegranate) Rating: 7 out of 10 (green apple) Rating: 7 out of 10 (blueberry) Pros: Well balanced flavor. Sweetness was just right. All flavors were really good. Slight tartness. Use of pure cane sugar. No High Fructose Corn Syrup. Antioxidants, but I’m not too sure how much. Fruity Pebbles. Cons: Contains only 2% juice. Can’t see 3D images on can. Getting hit by a Winehouse heroin needle. Watching a marathon of The Hills.
According to the experts, who probably wear lab coats and ask others to call them Dr. So-and-So, we should be consuming 25-30 grams of fiber per day, which is roughly more than half a loaf of whole wheat bread, a little more than an entire can of kidney beans, or approximately the amount of fiber found in the large cardboard box a refrigerator comes in. The experts also say that most don’t consume an adequate amount of fiber every day, except for Jack LaLanne, prune lovers, and panda bears. I know I need more fiber in my diet, but I feel there’s a major problem with fiber. It’s just not flamboyant enough.
Thankfully, there’s Pink Lemonade Metamucil which now makes fiber a little more FA-BU-LOUS.
Sure, it’s better for me to get my fiber from real foods like whole wheat bread, brown rice, bran cereal, vegetables, fruit, Taco Bell’s bean burrito, and Idaho potato vodka, but they just don’t have the sense of style that the Pink Lemonade Metamucil does. Many of the foods that have a decent amount of fiber come in the color brown, but despite all the efforts of UPS, brown has NEVER been in style. Some of you might be saying vegetables and fruits are colorful, however, I say to those people, J. Crew clothing is also colorful, but I would never be seen wearing any of it.
The Pink Lemonade Metamucil tastes like pink lemonade and for something that’s sugar free, it’s surprisingly sweet. Thank you, aspartame. It’s just as flavorful, fiber-rific, fierce and fabulous as the Berry Burst Metamucil. It’s also several times tastier and better looking than the plain old original orange Metamucil, which makes people drinking it look like they should be at a Florida farmers forum. The cloudy pink color of the Pink Lemonade Metamucil is totally fabulous, although its slightly grainy texture is not so hot, but it’s what I expected from a fiber supplement. However, if you like your fiber to be as flamboyant as a flamingo or Richard Simmons, this Metamucil’s for you.
(Supplement Facts – 1 rounded tsp – 20 calories, 5 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of soluble fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 0.5 milligrams of iron, 35 milligrams of potassium, and 50 grams of fierce.)
Item: Pink Lemonade Metamucil Price: $10.34 (24.1 ounces) Purchased at: Wal-Mart Rating: 8 out of 10 Pros: Flavorful, fiber-rific, fierce and fabulous. Tastes like pink lemonade. Sugar free. Better than the original orange Metamucil. Jack Lalanne. Panda bears. J. Crew clothing. Cons: It’s got a grainy texture, but that’s expected since it’s Metamucil. Turns into goop if not consumed quickly. The color brown. Trying to consume 25-30 grams of fiber per day. Eating cardboard.
The McDonald’s Southern Style Chicken Sandwich is cute. I’m not talking Hello Kitty cute, I’m talking women being courteous and calling a dude’s wiener “cute,” instead of the term they’re thinking in their head, which is “small.” Just like those courteous women do when they get a glimpse of the “cute cock,” I giggled a little when I saw the latest chicken sandwich from McDonald’s. The sandwich is 3.5 inches in diameter and not very tall. When I first saw it, I thought to myself, “God, I could stick that whole thing in my mouth with ease.”
For years, I’ve been telling women while crying that it is not the size of the boat that matters, it is the motion of the ocean, but the McDonald’s Southern Style Chicken Sandwich made me realize that I am wrong. The sandwich consisted of seasoned, lightly breaded all white meat chicken with two pickles in between a buttery tasting bun. The chicken was surprisingly juicy the first time I had it, but wasn’t when I had another a few days later. It seemed like there was very little seasoning on the chicken, making its flavor quite bland and I thought overall it really tasted like a mediocre McChicken sandwich. I didn’t even notice the buttery bun, but the pickles did help with the flavor, although you can’t get a pickle in every bite. So maybe having a bigger pickle would help a lot.
The idea of the McDonald’s Southern Style Chicken Sandwich apparently comes from a Chick-Fil-A sandwich, which also has breaded chicken, a buttery bun, and pickles. Since I’m thousands of miles away from a Chick-Fil-A, I can’t make a comparison, but it does sound like McDonald’s ripped off the idea. But is copying something so bad? Without copying others I wouldn’t have a college degree, high school diploma, passed my SRAs, and gotten through playground pattycake competitions. But what is bad is doing a poor job of copying, which seems like what McDonald’s did with the Southern Style Chicken Sandwich.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 400 calories, 17 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 1030 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, and 24 grams of protein.)
(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader David for suggesting the McDonald’s Southern Style Chicken Sandwich. I would’ve reviewed it earlier, but last month I swore off all fast food in hopes of a slimmer waistline and the ability to run more than 100 yards without collapsing.)
Item: McDonald’s Southern Style Chicken Sandwich Price: $5.29 (”Value” Meal) Purchased at: McDonald’s Rating: 4 out of 10 Pros: Cute. High in protein. Biting pickles. My pattycake skillz. Big pickles. Cons: Small sandwich. Taste like a mediocre McChicken sandwich. Pricey for its size. High in sodium for something so small. The motion of the ocean doesn’t matter.
