The founder of Fizzy Lizzy, whose name is Liz (go figure) sent me an email after reading TIB’s review of the Costa Rican Pineapple Fizzy Lizzy. Of course, a lot of the information I gave about the artwork on the Fizzy Lizzy bottle were uneducated guesses and probably inaccurate, because I am an ignorant moron. Liz got a kick out of the review, but she also wanted me to know the truth about the logo. So I thought I’d share what she told me.
According to Liz, the woman in the logo is supposed to be her, although she admits that her hair is not as well-behaved. She also said that in the logo she’s holding a sprig of leaves behind her back and not farting them, like I originally thought. Liz did say that Fizzy Lizzy doesn’t make someone fart, but does make one burp.
Well, that clears things up for me. Thanks to Liz for taking the time to fill me in on the Fizzy Lizzy logo. I learned something new today and I hope you did too.
I’m going to announce the winners of the recent prize drawing we held here at TIB for the Pepsi Blue Hawaii. Right off the bat, I have to say that almost all of you didn’t win, but do not fret because we will be holding a new prize drawing really soon. What are the prizes? A date with me at a fine Italian restaurant? Eating microwaveable dinners with Ace? A sculpture made out of chewing gum? You’ll just have to keep an eye out for the announcement.
Now on to the winners of the weird Japanese soda.
Winners were chosen using an online random number generator because that’s how we do it in the 21st Century. Picking things out of a hat is yo’ mamma’s way. Here are the two lucky winners of the Pepsi Blue Hawaii:
Comment #32 – Aimee
Comment #71 – Reprobate
Each winner will receive a bottle of Pepsi Blue Hawaii.
I never thought a company would make a product specifically for vain douchebags, but the Spearmint Pure Mints with its included mirror under the lid seems like it’s perfect for those who like fresh breath and enjoy looking at themselves in the mirror while admiring their perceived awesomeness.
(Editor’s Note: These Pure Mints are not related in anyway with Meltzer’s Puremints.)
If you drive a Porsche convertible with the license plate that says MYRIDE, you are a douchebag and these mints might be perfect for you. If you go around in the middle of the night and blast rap music from your tricked out 1985 Toyota Tercel hatchback from some shitty rapper who only raps about how awesome he is, you are a douchebag and these mints might be meant for you. If your name starts with an S and ends with a pencer Pratt or starts with an H and ends with eidi Montag and you charge thousands of dollars to show up at some club, you are a douchebag and I hope you choke on these mints.
There really isn’t anything special about the Spearmint Pure Mints themselves. Each mint is quite small, which is something I don’t like because I feel that I need to take more than one to freshen my breath. To give you an idea of how small they are, it would take three or four of them to equal the mass of one curiously-strong Altoid. I also didn’t like how minty they were. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being a slap to the face and 1 being a tickling of my beard, these mints were a 5.
The only thing the Spearmint Pure Mints have going for themselves is the mirror under the mint tin’s lid. Unfortunately, the mirror is small, so if you’re a really big douchebag, you won’t be able to see much in it since your ego is probably taking most of the space. Even at arms length, I couldn’t see my entire face. It’s so ineffective that it probably won’t do you any good if you’re doing something practical like trying to put on makeup or signaling someone using Morse code. I think the mirror is only good for looking to see if you have something in between your teeth or a booger hanging out of your nose.
Besides douchebags, I’m not sure if the Spearmint Pure Mints would be appropriate for others. The one thing I know for sure is that if you’re a douchebag wanting to cover the stank of douchebagness, these mints won’t do it, because a douchebag with fresh breath is still a douchebag.
Item: Spearmint Pure Mints Price: $1.48 Size: 0.28 ounces Purchased at: Longs Drugs Rating: 5 out of 10 Pros: There’s a mutha fuckin’ mirror inside. Mints were average. Sugar-free. Cons: Mints are small. Mirror is really small for big douchebags. Not curiously-strong. Meant for douchebags. Douchebag vanity license plates. Douchebag rap lyrics.
I’d like to think I’m an eco-friendly person. I recycle plastic bottles, glass, newspapers, and cardboard; I drive 40 miles per hour on the freeway and get called “grandma” by non-eco-friendly drivers to maximize my car’s gas mileage; I take lame gifts given to me, rewrap them, and give them to someone else; and I flush the toilet only if I go Number Two. I also love companies that promote eco-friendly products and ideas, so it is no surprise that I really like the Method Sea Minerals Hand Wash Refill, which consists of 96 ounces of pure Method eco-friendly goodness.
The regular 12-ounce bottle of Method Hand Wash costs about $3-$4, so it was really nice to get eight times the amount of soap for only twice the price at Costco. Whether you have to wash after shaking the hand of someone who you think is crazy or get fresh blood off of your hands, the Method Sea Mineral Hand Wash will get your hands clean in a biodegradable, triclosan-free, naturally derived, and animal testing-free way. The Sea Mineral soap itself had a pleasant, clean scent that kind of reminded me of the sea, but I’m not sure about it smelling like sea minerals. Although, I have to admit that I don’t know what sea minerals are, which is, of course, sad because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
Method could’ve gone the easy route and just put something simple on the bottle to encourage us to recycle it, like “Recycle this, bitch!” Instead, printed on the bottle are their recommendations for possible uses when it’s empty, which are turning it either into a vase, water jug, or piggy bank. However, when I’m done with mine I’m probably going to either go all Matthew McConaughey on it and turn it into a musical instrument or carry it around with me and whenever I come up with a good idea I hold it above my head upside down.
With all of this eco-friendly love, I feel like hugging a tree, but I’m afraid I might hurt it, so instead I’ll have to settle for hugging this huge Method Sea Minerals Hand Wash Refill bottle, which you can see below.
(Editor’s Note: This guy loves Method products, but I’m sure the video above proves that I love them more.)
Item: Method Sea Minerals Hand Wash Refill Price: $7.89 Size: 96 ounces Purchased at: Costco Rating: 8 out of 10 Pros: Nice smell. Big refill. Cheap for a Method product. Biodegradable, triclosan-free, naturally derived, and animal testing-free. Convenient handle. It’s blue. Bottle encourages you to reuse the bottle. Cons: Not sure if it smells like sea minerals. I don’t know what sea minerals are, despite living on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I think it’s only available at Costco. Having to be the person who uses the toilet after me.
Back in my day, the only fruit-flavored gum we had was Juicy Fruit. It came in banana yellow packaging, you couldn’t make bubbles for shit with it, it did nothing to freshen breath, and if I were caught chewing it, I got called “fruity,” which at 10 years old I had no idea what that meant, nor did the 8 year old bullies calling me that. Chewing gum companies have recently been releasing a plethora of fruit-flavored gum, like the Wrigley’s 5 Gum Lush and Elixir flavors, and I can understand why. Because all the mint flavor names are taken.
Spearmint, Peppermint, Wintermint, Chill Mint, Ice Mint, Mint Blast, Shiver Mint, Cool Mint, Fresh Mint, Mint Freeze, Frost Mint, Arctic Chill, Cool Frost, Winter Ice, Wild Winter, Vanilla Frost, Hypermint, Icy Blast, Sweetmint, Winterfresh, Polar Ice, Supermint, Crystal Mint, Winterfrost, Midnight Cool, Ice Fresh, and I could go on and on until the break of dawn, but as you can see the minds that hawk mint gums pretty much have sucked the cock of minty marketing names dry to the point where not even tickling the balls of creativity will help.
I’m of the mindset that gum should be used for freshening breath or if you want to digest something for seven years. I don’t want my breath smelling like fruit. What am I? A five dollar backalley whore? Everyone knows that high-class hookers chew minty gum, unless their client wants them to chew something else, but that usually involves a schoolgirl outfit and costs extra. However, the Wrigley’s 5 Lush and Elixir flavors are slowing making me realize that perhaps being a five dollar backalley whore isn’t so bad.
With a name like Lush, I expected it to taste like Tara Reid or any cast member from MTV’s Real World, but instead it had a tropical flavor, which tasted like it consisted of pineapple, banana, and another fruit, which I couldn’t figure out. It was good and it tasted similar to other “tropical” products I’ve tried in the past. As for the Elixir flavor, its berry taste starts out gross, but once the initial flavor subsides after about a minute or two, it becomes a decent chew and has a strawberry-ish taste. While chewing Elixir I was hoping it would increase my hit points in my RPG game called Life, but I checked my stats and I’m still a “Fruity Weakling.”
(Nutrition Facts – 1 stick – Less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 2 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 2 grams of sugar alcohol, 0 grams of protein, 0 ounces of alcohol, and 0 hit points attained.)
(Editor’s Note: Gigi also reviewed these flavors at her blog. You can read her reviews here and here. TIB reviewed the original Wrigley’s 5 gum flavors last year. You can read that review by clicking here.)
Item: Wrigley’s 5 Gum (Lush and Elixir) Price: $1.49 each Size: 15 pieces Purchased at: Wal-Mart Rating: 7 out of 10 (Lush) Rating: 5 out of 10 (Elixir) Pros: Tropical flavored Lush has a good flavor. Once the initial flavor subsides, Elixir has a decent strawberry-ish flavor. Sugarfree. Decent lasting flavor. 15 sticks per pack. Nice packaging. Lush doesn’t taste like a Real World cast member. Cons: Not minty. Elixir’s initial flavor is gross. Uses aspartame. The cock of minty gum names is all used up. Elixir didn’t give me any hit points. Digesting gum. Five dollar backalley whores. I’m still a Fruity Weakling.