My initial plan for this review was to write a parody of Danzig’s seminal hit song, “Mother.”

After tasting a few of Mother’s new Frosted Animal Cookies with Nerds, I realized the words didn’t even need to change.

It’s more like, “oh, brother!” These cookies should’ve been kept in the dark for life. They should’ve been hidden from the waiting world. Do you hear that, Mother?

These stink worse than the zoo animals they’re shaped like.

On the surface iced shortbread cookies skimpily dotted with Nerds sounds like a lot of fun. I was ready to have a great time and let my inner child out, but these are an atrocity against both man and beast.

The cookies are coated in a waxy substance that tastes like… maybe a light berry flavor? I have no idea. I’m guessing because they’re painted like a “one boy, one girl Twin” birth reveal. The inner shortbread cookie is red, for some reason. I guess we’re cool with food dyes again, because that’s basically the entire ingredient list.

And don’t you dare ask Mother about the flavor, because all she tells us is that they are “sweet and tangy.” While Nerds do add a little tang to the equation, there aren’t enough Nerds big or flavorful enough to stand out over the gross wax-cing.

The icing literally tastes like wax, and the cookies have a bad texture too. They’re too hard. I’ve had frosted animal cookies in the past, probably from this brand, and I swear they weren’t this terrible.

As you can see I bought these during the recent heatwave. They were in the car for all of a half hour, with AC, and still melted into a massive ball of animal carnage. I guess it’s a rule that all circus animals be treated poorly.

It’s like this massive cookie Katamari. Worst Nerds Cluster ever!

If I have to highlight some positives, how about the fun classic animal shapes? I think I saw a lion, a bunny that was probably a big Nerd mascot? A camel perhaps. The fabled Chupacabra? Is that Slimer from Ghostbusters? I don’t know, I couldn’t really tell even before they were all just an amorphous pink and blue glob of Nerds measles.

Nerds! That’s a positive. We love Nerds! Well, this must be the “Revenge of the Nerds” I keep hearing about. Mother doesn’t do them any favors, but I genuinely don’t think Nerds would work as a sprinkle on even the best cookies.

I genuinely don’t even think kids will like these. If my mother baked these, I would have emancipated.

Danzig couldn’t really sum up my ultimate feelings – only one man could.

To quote the legendary thespian, Samuel L. Jackson:

May have misquoted him. Call your mother!

Purchased Price: $3.74
Size: 9 oz package
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 2 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (7 Cookies) 140 calories, 5 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 gram of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 50 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.