Saint Patrick’s Day

St. Patrick’s Day

Saint Patrick’s Day is one of those “not-really-a-holiday” holidays. It’s like Flag Day. You don’t get the day off, the malls are open, the mail is delivered, and street parking isn’t free. It’s like, um, a normal Monday…thru Friday.

Although, if you get smashed enough on Saint Patrick’s Day, you can call in sick the next day, which is sort of like a real holiday, except with aspirin and dry heaves.

Despite Saint Patrick’s Day being a “not-really-a-holiday” holiday, there are a lot of great things about it, like you don’t need to buy gifts for anyone, don’t need to attend dysfunctional family dinners, don’t need to spend $100 on flowers, don’t need to buy some lame greeting card, and hookers look a lot better, due to beer goggles.

Of course, Saint Patrick’s Day is the best day to get drunk, because alcohol is cheap, plentiful, and sometimes green.

So what’s the second best day to get drunk?

Any other day.

So in honor of Saint Patrick’s Day and the possibility that I might not have a review for you tomorrow due to a hangover, I wrote a poem about Saint Patrick’s Day. (No, I did not write it drunk) It goes a little something like this:

The Saint Patrick’s Day Poem

Top of the morning to you all and Happy Saint Patrick’s Day.
I hope you’re dressed in green, or you’ll get pinched right away.
It’s time to get rowdy and it’s time to get drunk.
You should start in the morning, when things are usually rough.
Forget the wine, champagne, light and nonalcoholic beer.
Hard liquor and real beer is essential for this time of year.
So get yourself a drink, or maybe two, three, four or five.
Make sure you have a designated driver to get you home alive.
So head to the nearest bar and let the drinking begin.
Start yourself off with something like a tonic and gin.
Chug a screwdriver because you need your OJ in the morning.
Don’t drink with an empty stomach, this is just a warning.
Have a few glasses of Guinness, which is blacker than coal.
Or have a shot of whiskey, if getting drunk is your goal.
If you’re drunk by now, consider yourself a lightweight.
If not, have some more and see how much you can take.

Have a drink with your friends Jack Daniels and Jim Beam,
and remember it’s illegal to buy liquor for a teen.
Get a margarita if that’s what you really like.
Get one the size of a kiddie pool, you can drink it all night.
Order a Scotch and make sure it’s on the rocks.
Too much alcohol makes an ulgy person look like a fox.
Tank a few bottles of Foster’s without any fear,
and remember that Foster’s is Australian for beer.
Now if you’re Irish, you’re probably still quite sober yet,
but if you’re Asian, you’re probably redder than an apple can get.

Take a shot of a German Death and a Harley Davidson.
They both go down really hard like NyQuil medicine.
Have a shot of tequila with a wedge of lime and some salt.
If you swallow the worm it’s really your own drunken fault.
Sip on a really dry martini with an olive in a glass.
Have it shaken not stirred, like James Bond, a man with class.
To wash that all down order yourself a vodka and tonic,
and if you start seeing leprechauns, consider yourself an alcoholic.
Well whether you’re passed out, throwing up, or okay.
I wish you all a safe, fun, and happy Saint Patrick’s Day.

Item: Saint Patrick’s Day
Purchase Price: FREE (alcohol not included)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Don’t need to buy gifts for anyone. Mail is still delivered. Green beer. Hookers look better.
Cons: Don’t get the day off. Possible beer goggle situations. Getting pinched for not wearing green.

22 thoughts to “Saint Patrick’s Day”

  1. St. Patty’s day is a total fiver! You must be smoking crack if you give it a mere three! Obviously you’ve never worn a kilt.

  2. Michael – For some, it’s ALWAYS the right festive leaf.

    schmims – I’ve worn a bra and a dress, but never a kilt. Oh, yeah and high heels. My roommate has a picture of me in the bra. I think he keeps it to prevent me from running for public office.

    But then again, Herbert Hoover was President of the United States.

  3. You must not live in one the good ol’ Irish-American cities like Boston, New York, or Chicago. If you did, you’d think differently.

    Indeed, many people do get the day off, and even if they don’t get the day off from work, they take it off. There are always parades, which even Christmas, Easter, Passover and Chunucha don’t get.

    Sure, parking restrictions may not be suspended, Open Alcohol laws usually are, which frankly is better.

    Any good St. Patricks day does involve a family dinner, only these family dinners are better because everyone is drunk [this probably differs from other major holidays only in that on St Patrick’s day everyone is a happy drunk and on Christmas and other holidays everyone is a mean drunk].

    And presents are involved, at least for children. A Leprechaun will leave presents in their shoes.

    So yeah, St. Patrick’s day is a major holiday that is perhaps the third or fourth most important holiday on the calender.

  4. I also think that St. Patty’s day should get higher then a 3 and I am not even a whole lot Irish. Green beer should score it higher just by itself!! The first time I got loaded was off green beer in some Irish Pub in Chicago you should experience St. Patty’s day in some Irish pub in Chicago!! It is a wonderful time. Giddyup.

  5. I also think that St. Patty’s day should get higher then a 3 and I am not even a whole lot Irish. Green beer should score it higher just by itself!! The first time I got loaded was off green beer in some Irish Pub in Chicago you should experience St. Patty’s day in some Irish pub in Chicago!! It is a wonderful time. Giddyup.

  6. Ian – I think I need to move to a bigger city. Or one with more Irish-Americans.

    Kitty – You have a great one too!

    Becky – You’re drunk already!

    Peggasus – Thanks for the compliment. Although, after reading the story, I have a sudden urge to attempt to burn my mouth with salsa.

    Casimir Pulaski Day? Where were you on King Kamehameha Day?

  7. There are similarities between Okinawans and the Irish… There’s always an excuse to drink (we have Orion beer), sing and be merry, and oh, the potato (ours is purple and sweet). So as an Okinawan, I want to wish everyone a very Happy St. Patty’s Day!!! Kanpai!!!

  8. akiko – Kanpai!! Whatever that means. 🙂

    Becky – So it’s 1:49 pm here, so you must be pretty sloshed right now. Don’t forget to call in sick tomorrow.

  9. Dude! What kinda of Japanese are you?

    “Kanpai” = to toast… You can also say “Banzai” = cheers

  10. akiko – I’m the worst Japanese person on the planet. I can’t use chopsticks properly (Oh, all the white shirts I’ve ruined thanks to chopsticks), I don’t eat sushi (Although, I think that has something to do with the fact I can’t use chopsticks properly), and I don’t have a Playstation 2 (However, I think that has less to do with being the worst Japanese person on the planet and more with just being poor).

  11. Er, I hate to get technical here, but I think you confused Herbert Hoover with J Edgar Hoover, the first FBI director. He’s the one who supposedly was a cross dresser.

  12. Toni – Oops, you’re right. Damn you Google! Damn yooooooou! Damn you popular festive leaf! Damn yoooooou!

  13. The problem with green beer is the same problem with snowcones or anything with too much food coloring, a day or two later you are left with a different color surprise in the bathroom. I don’t like my insides being colored, especially not green.

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