REVIEW: Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water

Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water

Note to self: If the bottle of the beverage you’re thinking of purchasing has the word “sparkling” on it, avoid it at all costs, even if it is really cheap.

I’m no longer a sparkling water virgin, but it’s not really something I want to brag about. Just like all my other devirginizing experiences, losing my sparking water virginity was awkward, frustrating, and left a bad taste in my mouth.

At least it wasn’t as bad as the other devirginizing experience I’ve had, like losing my drunk barfing virginity and losing my bra wearing virginity, which included photocopied photos posted on the doors of all the women rooms in my dormitory.

I’m not sure how best I can describe the taste of sparkling water to those who still are sparkling water virgins, but I think it’s safe to say they taste like the tears from a devil.

If that explanation totally blew your mind or it sounded like I was drunk when I wrote it, sparkling water has a really bitter taste and a horrid aftertaste. Even with the light, and I mean light, taste of berry in the Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water, it still tasted like someone figured out a way to bottle the color gray.

Every swig I took of the Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water made me shudder. However, I’ve been using that shuddering to my advantage. I’ve been nursing the same 20-ounce bottle for the past seven days and during those days I’ve taken a swig of the Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water whenever I needed to be perked up, since drinking it is such a shock to my system.

It’s sort of like being shocked by static electricity, except without the static or the electricity.

Beside the horrible taste, another thing that bothered me about the Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water was the fact that it was cheaper than the same-sized bottle of regular Aquafina water. This made me think that the Aquafina Sparkling Water was actually made from the water that was rejected for regular Aquafina water.

The people at Aquafina were probably thinking they could use it to water plants, but then realized there’s no money to be made watering plants, so they added some carbonation and as little flavor as possible and sold it as Aquafina Sparking Water.

It’s sort of like how the workers at my middle school cafeteria turned Monday’s meatloaf into Friday’s tacos.

Waste not, want not.


Okay with the review out of the way, it’s time to announce this month’s prize drawing. I know it’s a little early, but I really have to get rid of this month’s prizes, which are packs of Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies.

I originally was going to give away five packs of them, but I ate one, so now we’re down to four and if I didn’t start accepting entries for the prize drawing today, that number probably would’ve dropped to three.

So four lucky readers will each receive one 4-pack of those damn good Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies.

To enter the drawing, just leave a comment for THIS review with the words “Thin Mints’ Beeyatch” in it and whatever else you would like to say. Or, if you think we’re lame comment whores, you can also enter by sending us an email with the phrase “Cookie Monster” in the subject field.

If you leave a comment, don’t forget to fill out the email field, because we will be emailing the winner for their mailing address. Don’t worry about the shipping, we will take care of it.

We will start accepting entries for the drawing on April 5, 2005. We will stop accepting entries on April 8, 2005. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States and Canada. (Sorry, rest of the world)

Each entry will be stuffed into the empty Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water from this review. After all the entries are stuffed, I will curse the bottle and kick it around for messing with my tastebuds.

The first four entries I pull out of the bottle will be the four winners.

Fine Print: We promise your email address will not be used to send you spam about how you can download Clay Aiken ringtones. We also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you offers for Playboy Magazine. Bribes will not be accepted. We will not be responsible for melted chocolate, broken cookies, or lost mail.

Item: Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water
Purchase Price: 89 cents
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: The horrible bitter taste can be used to send a shock to your system. Lost my sparkling water virginity, but I want it back.
Cons: It’s extremely bitter, like the tears from a devil. Very light berry flavor. Cheaper than regular Aquafina water.

58 thoughts to “REVIEW: Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water”

  1. “Thin Mints’ Beeyatch”
    Yep … they kick ass unlike that nasty sparkling water.

  2. I’d like the Thin Mints’ Beeyatch hehe.. Sparkling water.. you should have known better Marvo!

  3. maiji – BEEYATCH!!!

    Anonymous – Sparkling water is now my new Kryptonite. My old Kryptonite? Rice cakes.

    Jen – I’m human and that’s all I can be. But I have learned from this experience, as most humans do after making a mistake. I’ve learned that I’m an idiot.

  4. Hey, Thin Mints’ Beeyatch!

    April 4, 2005: Poop Water.
    April 5, 2005: Aquafina BerrySparkling Water.

    Coincidence? I think not.

  5. EEeeww.. Living in Germany, I deal with this water delima on a regular basis. When eating out, you are hard-pressed to get water WITHOUT bubbles, and when you do, you get tap water which is so hard you can see the calcium. I feel the same way as you do about the sparkles. There is ONE and ONLY ONE brand of flavored bubbley agua that is not bad. It comes from the UK so I dont know if you have it, but it’s called Soliss. If you come across it, I highly recommend you try the Pear Ginger flavor to remove the horrid loss of virginity flashbacks from your mind. Everything will feel better with Pear Ginger Water. And the bubbles in this leave no taste. It is just water with some flavor of pear and ginger, not of devil’s tears.

  6. Dennis – Yes, they are probably interchangeable.

    Megan – Sounds good. Anyone from the UK want to send me a bottle? Wait, do I have readers in the UK?

  7. shoot me an email and we can work something out. i can get it here in germany and i have access to the USPS since i’m on an american facility.

Comments are closed.