REVIEW: Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water

Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water

Note to self: If the bottle of the beverage you’re thinking of purchasing has the word “sparkling” on it, avoid it at all costs, even if it is really cheap.

I’m no longer a sparkling water virgin, but it’s not really something I want to brag about. Just like all my other devirginizing experiences, losing my sparking water virginity was awkward, frustrating, and left a bad taste in my mouth.

At least it wasn’t as bad as the other devirginizing experience I’ve had, like losing my drunk barfing virginity and losing my bra wearing virginity, which included photocopied photos posted on the doors of all the women rooms in my dormitory.

I’m not sure how best I can describe the taste of sparkling water to those who still are sparkling water virgins, but I think it’s safe to say they taste like the tears from a devil.

If that explanation totally blew your mind or it sounded like I was drunk when I wrote it, sparkling water has a really bitter taste and a horrid aftertaste. Even with the light, and I mean light, taste of berry in the Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water, it still tasted like someone figured out a way to bottle the color gray.

Every swig I took of the Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water made me shudder. However, I’ve been using that shuddering to my advantage. I’ve been nursing the same 20-ounce bottle for the past seven days and during those days I’ve taken a swig of the Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water whenever I needed to be perked up, since drinking it is such a shock to my system.

It’s sort of like being shocked by static electricity, except without the static or the electricity.

Beside the horrible taste, another thing that bothered me about the Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water was the fact that it was cheaper than the same-sized bottle of regular Aquafina water. This made me think that the Aquafina Sparkling Water was actually made from the water that was rejected for regular Aquafina water.

The people at Aquafina were probably thinking they could use it to water plants, but then realized there’s no money to be made watering plants, so they added some carbonation and as little flavor as possible and sold it as Aquafina Sparking Water.

It’s sort of like how the workers at my middle school cafeteria turned Monday’s meatloaf into Friday’s tacos.

Waste not, want not.


Okay with the review out of the way, it’s time to announce this month’s prize drawing. I know it’s a little early, but I really have to get rid of this month’s prizes, which are packs of Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies.

I originally was going to give away five packs of them, but I ate one, so now we’re down to four and if I didn’t start accepting entries for the prize drawing today, that number probably would’ve dropped to three.

So four lucky readers will each receive one 4-pack of those damn good Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies.

To enter the drawing, just leave a comment for THIS review with the words “Thin Mints’ Beeyatch” in it and whatever else you would like to say. Or, if you think we’re lame comment whores, you can also enter by sending us an email with the phrase “Cookie Monster” in the subject field.

If you leave a comment, don’t forget to fill out the email field, because we will be emailing the winner for their mailing address. Don’t worry about the shipping, we will take care of it.

We will start accepting entries for the drawing on April 5, 2005. We will stop accepting entries on April 8, 2005. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States and Canada. (Sorry, rest of the world)

Each entry will be stuffed into the empty Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water from this review. After all the entries are stuffed, I will curse the bottle and kick it around for messing with my tastebuds.

The first four entries I pull out of the bottle will be the four winners.

Fine Print: We promise your email address will not be used to send you spam about how you can download Clay Aiken ringtones. We also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you offers for Playboy Magazine. Bribes will not be accepted. We will not be responsible for melted chocolate, broken cookies, or lost mail.

Item: Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water
Purchase Price: 89 cents
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: The horrible bitter taste can be used to send a shock to your system. Lost my sparkling water virginity, but I want it back.
Cons: It’s extremely bitter, like the tears from a devil. Very light berry flavor. Cheaper than regular Aquafina water.

58 thoughts to “REVIEW: Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water”

  1. Thin Mints’ Beeaytch.

    When I was in the 6th grade, I flew on a plane to Colorado sans parents. Trying to be ultra cool, grown up and mature, when the beverage cart lady came around, I asked for sparkling water like the guy in the suit behind me because the Perrier came in a very grown up looking bottle, the name sounded grown up, and I was getting a grown up beverage that sparkled! It should be called Perripoop because that stuff taseted like crap.

    I told you those were some damn good cookies!

  2. Thin Mints’ Beeaytch.
    no, ok, really, i’m from italy, so my entry won’t be valid, but, anyway, how dare you saying the sparkling water is bad? you miscredent, coming from a country where even freshly tapped cokacola tastes of chlorine?
    and, most important, how dare aquafina create something so screwed up like a “berry flavoured” sparkling water? they could have brought the ambrosia of modern days to you barbaric horde, but no, they had to put some BERRY flavour in it, how sick is that?

    ok, just kidding (i mean i WASN’T really serious), i always had problems with americans’ water-drinking habits, i really can’t stomach the water that comes from your taps. plus here in italy it’s quite normal to drink sparkling water (here it tastes exactly like plain water, with bubbles, it actually costs exactly the same as plain water, and both cost waaaaaaay less than any other kind of drink) so i guess that’s some kind of local taste you have to get used to…

    why am i writing this? umph… who knows… i’m at the office with a lot of time to waste, today 😉


  3. Thin Mints’ Beeaytch. Wal-Mart’s got some halfway decent sparkling water, actually…I’m going to have to agree that most taste like ass, though. Also, it’s “shudder” and not “shutter” because I’m a condescending prick like that.

  4. Newsflash: “Lame comment whores hate sparkling water”. I guess the newsflash could just be “Everybody hates sparkling water”. I like describing sparkling water as “tears from a devil”. Mostly, I want some Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies, as I haven’t been able to find them at my local grocery store/drug store. I’ve been looking since I read the review here, and I’m thinking that maybe – just maybe – they aren’t Thin Mints’ Beeyatch. That apostrophe is in the possessive form; I assume you meant the “beeyatch of Thin Mints”. Grammar nerd. Send me my cookies.

  5. “Thin Mints’ Beeyatch” — ya happy?

    I tried the Dasani versions — both the berry and the lemon — and was repulsed.

  6. Thin Mints Beeyatch

    I also have not been able to find those Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies anywhere so I would like to be entered in the drawing just so I am able to try them. It made me so happy today that you used Yahtzee. Perfect timing. Anyway any kind of sparkling water tastes like ass I don’t even know why it is made. I am horrible at grammer and spelling so there will be no corrections coming from me!!

  7. no cookie is better than Thin Mints’ Beeyatch! but i wouldn’t mind trying the reese’s version.

    sparkling water. that doesn’t even sound appealing. thanks for taking one for the team.

  8. Hey Marvo, I haven’t been able to find Thin Mints’ Beeyatch cookies around here, so I figured I’d try and get lucky (in your drawing).

    I have never understood the whole “bottled water” craze very well. Especially since, in Aquafina’s case, it’s really just tap water that is purified and has some minerals added to it. I’ve heard they even have bottled water for PETS now.

    Anyways, thanks for the warning about this water…I bet it wasn’t very “sparkling” after seven days. The readers of this site appreciate the heroic sacrifices you make to bring us great reviews like this one. 🙂

  9. Jumping on the bandwagon here to say…Thin Mints’ Beeyatch.

    I’ve never understood why it was necessary for sparkling water to take like metallic industrial runoff. They make soda fizzy without it tasting like mill tailings, so why can’t they do the same for plain water?

  10. Thin Mints’ Beeyatch

    While sparkling water is atrocious, I am strangely fond of AlkaSeltzer-enhanced H2O. Is something wrong with me?

  11. Thin Mints’ Beeyatch
    Yeah that’s right, I said it…Thin Mints’ Beeyatch. And its true. Its all true

    Sparkling water tastes like crap, though I agree that Wal-mart somehow takes the crappy taste out of it. Don’t ask how, but the evil mega chain can do it.

  12. Who in their right mind would buy ANY type of bottled water anyway? Don’t you guys know it’s straight from the tap anyway? lol Gimme Cookie!

    “Thin Mints’ Beeyatch”

  13. Thin Mints’ Beeyatch!!!!

    hey, I know the feeling – I have a bottle of sparkling water at home that I got for free (raspberry flavored) and I couldn’t even get one glass of it down. It’s disgusting!

  14. “awkward, frustrating, and left a bad taste in my mouth” made me go, “Ha…hahahahaha.” Not condescendingly but UNDERSTANDINGLY.

    Thin Mints’ Beeyatch?!

  15. I agree Anything With Sparkling On The Bottle Is Nasty.
    Thin Mints’ Beeyatch…..I Love Thin Mints!!!!!

  16. Thanks for the warning on the water……I could have foolishly picked one up and lost my sparkling water virginity to this piece of shit. Ok I’m sure I’m not fooling anyone into thinking that I’m a sparkling water virgin…..damn. It sounds so angelic. Hey—-did I mention that some girl scouts came over to my house yesterday and when I opened the door the little blonde girl screamed at me BUY SOME

    “Thin Mints’ Beeyatch”

    Ok happy cookie draw.

    Your new loyal reader


  17. Thin Mints’ Beeyatch!

    The problem with most American sparkling water is that it involves fake fruit flavoring and fake sugar, which results in an atrocious, bitter substance. I’m sorry, but aspartame/saccharine/whatever tastes like ass.

    The only decent fruit-flavored sparkling water I’ve ever met is Calistoga brand, but I think you can only get that in CA. It doesn’t involve anything but water and fruit flavor. Not bad. Aside from that, I actually kind of like the minerally flavor of San Pellegrino and Perrier, despite the fact that I believe that makes me elitist swine.

  18. Thin Mints’ Beeyatch!

    Although the concept of “sparkling” water is lost on me, I will cop to drinking Clearly Canadian Cherry or Blackberry. It comes in a cute bottle!

  19. Thin Mints Beeyatch, heh.

    I am currently drinking a bottle of Aquafina Flavor Splash, which is the non-sparkling version of its flavored water. It tastes a great deal better than what you had. I recommend Raspbery flavored

  20. Thin Mints’ Beeaytch!

    I didn’t read the other comments (for shame!) so I don’t know if someone else mentioned this, but I think a plausible reason the sparkling water is cheaper than the regular water is that there’s less WATER, more AIR in it being sparkling at all.

    That being said – bad marketing all around! They should be the same price unless the store marks one on sale.

  21. I want Thin Mints Beeyatch!!! But Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies will do =).

    Tried sparkling water once, thought I was going to die. Is it the same as seltzer water? If it is, maybe you need to mix it with some gin, vodka, shochu, etc., add a little lemon…mmmm…alcohol…

  22. Thin Mints Beeyatch

    Dude… I accidentally picked up Dasani Lemon Flavored water two nights ago. And it was insanely nasty too! Sort of like if you drank some cheap artificially sweetened lemonade, but left about two fingers in the glass, and then filled the rest with water. Meh.

  23. mashugala – I hate chocolates filled with fruit.

    schmims – Yes, damn good. My gut thanks you.

    Marcello – As for the water here, you get used to it. As for the sparkling water in Italy, I’d like to try it one of these days. I think it’s worth a flight to try it.

    Matt – You may be a condescending prick, but I’m a poor speller and a poor lover.

    David – I wish I was a grammar nerd.

  24. david – Dasani has some too? Great. More repulsive water.

    Becky – Having horrible spelling and grammar is bad for me because I have a degree in English. But I barely got it, so that might explain a few things.

    josh – Oh, I’ve taken my fair share for the team and will continue to do so for everyones’ amusement.

    Chuck – No, don’t ruin the images I have of how bottled water is made. I imagine they come from a beautiful spring, high up in the mountains, and collected by angels.

    Mr. Velocipede – Actually, I don’t really understand why they make sparkling water in the first place.

  25. hillarie – Plop, plop, fizz, fizz. Oh, what a relief it is. Sorry just wanted to say that.

    Master Foley – Good luck.

    Brandon – Great. Now I have to go into a Walmart to buy a sparkling water. ::shudder::

    Aymie’s mom – No, I still think it comes from a fresh spring, on a high mountain peek, and it bottled by angels.

    Webmiztris – At least you got your bottle for free. I had to pay 89 cents, plus tax, and plus a bottle fee.

    Philip – MMMMMM

    Aarika – Apparently, many people have felt the pain I experienced while losing my sparkling water virginity.

  26. Damon – I wish you told that earlier. My tastebuds would’ve thanked you. 🙂

    Abi Bell – Welcome, Abi. Yeah, apparently the Girl Scouts are offering aggressiveness badges.

    Alena – The Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water has no sugar or artificial sweetners, which I think was a mistake. I wonder if adding sugar to it will make it taste better? Excuse me, while I try that…Nope, it still sucks.

    Sally – I’ve learned, from my experience with the Axe shower gel, that things in nice bottle might not be so nice.

    Countess Amy – That’s what I was hoping this damn sparkling water was, but nope, it was like it’s evil stepsister.

    Lynda – Hmmm…That makes sense, but I think another reason is because the companies know that sparkling water tastes like crap and the only way someone is going to buy crap is if it’s cheap, like day old bread.

    akiko – Oh I don’t think there’s much you can do to save this Aquafina sparkling water. I don’t even think plants would like it.

    kimdog – Meh.

    Lou – BEEEYATCH!!!

  27. This reminds me of my first taste of tonic water without vodka….. Devil’s tears for sure.

    Thin Mints’ Beeyatch!

  28. Thin Mints’ Beeyatch!! Ok, the whole Sparkling water thing is too high class for me. I don’t know a single person who drinks it, unless you count tonic in cocktails. It’s yucky, and even though it would be like getting the fizz of my precious Coke while actually hydrating my poor body, I’ll pass. Blech!

  29. cookie dough – BEEYATCH!

    tamalama – Why do they call it tonic water? It’s not like it can heal or fix anything, the only thing it can do is help you realize that tonic water isn’t good at all.

    Jessika – One out of fifty do kick ass…If I’m lucky.

    Crystal – High class drink? That explains the snotty look of rich people and possibly their love croquet.

  30. Thin Mints’ Beeyatch.
    I want cookies. Why do I have to type Thin MInts’ Beeyatch?

  31. lightpinksheep – Our prize drawing, our rules. 🙂 I know it doesn’t make sense, but nothing really does in this world we float through.

  32. Thin Mints’ Beeyatch

    Aquafina is great water, they should stick to water, many companies have ruined themselves by adding new products.

  33. I’ve been reading the impulsive buy for a while now, and this is my first comment. (My comment virginity! oh no!)
    My viola teacher gives me lemon sparkling water sometimes. it’s DISGUSTING. it tastes like normal water, a squeeze of lemonade, and 2 tables spoons of baking soda.

    that being said,
    Thin Mints’ Beeyatch

  34. You know what sparkling water is good for? Melting Thin Mints’ Beeyatch.

  35. I love sparkling water. You know what they say, sparkling water tastes better when you’re licking it off of a hot person’s body. Oh, and it also goes well with Thin Mints’ Beeyatch!

  36. laurie – I’m sorry about your purchase. Do you have a pet? Feed it to your dog or cat. Or dump it in with your goldfish.

    chenu – When Aquafina starts making an energy drink, then it’s time to tell them to stop.

    kt – So was losing your comment virginity awkward and frustrating? Also, did it leave a bad taste in your mouth?

    govtdrone – Oh, what a waste of Thin Mints.

    lakitu – Sparkling water? Ice cream, pudding, whipped cream, maple syrup, flavored lubricants, chocolate syrup, vanilla extract, sugar, and ranch dressing make waaay better things to lick off of a person’s body. First off, sparkling water is waaay too much like a liquid. When you pour it on someone, it’s just going to roll off the person’s skin. Now with something like pudding, it’s much more likely to stay on a person’s body. You’re probably thinking, “What about the sugar?” When licking sugar off of a person’s body, you have to make sure you pre-lick the area you’re going to pour sugar on, so it’s able to stick to the body. Then lick the area again. Come on. This is basic erotic food licking technique.

  37. Gee Marvo, from the way you talked about this particular bottled water, I figured you thought it came from Hell.

  38. Joy – BEEYATCH!

    shannon – BEEYATCH!!

    S – I always hated people who rode unicycles…Frickin’ showoffs.

    Chuck – Either from Hell or from someone’s aluminum bathtub.

  39. “Thin Mints’ Beeyatch”
    Yep … they kick ass unlike that nasty sparkling water.

  40. I’d like the Thin Mints’ Beeyatch hehe.. Sparkling water.. you should have known better Marvo!

  41. maiji – BEEYATCH!!!

    Anonymous – Sparkling water is now my new Kryptonite. My old Kryptonite? Rice cakes.

    Jen – I’m human and that’s all I can be. But I have learned from this experience, as most humans do after making a mistake. I’ve learned that I’m an idiot.

  42. Hey, Thin Mints’ Beeyatch!

    April 4, 2005: Poop Water.
    April 5, 2005: Aquafina BerrySparkling Water.

    Coincidence? I think not.

  43. EEeeww.. Living in Germany, I deal with this water delima on a regular basis. When eating out, you are hard-pressed to get water WITHOUT bubbles, and when you do, you get tap water which is so hard you can see the calcium. I feel the same way as you do about the sparkles. There is ONE and ONLY ONE brand of flavored bubbley agua that is not bad. It comes from the UK so I dont know if you have it, but it’s called Soliss. If you come across it, I highly recommend you try the Pear Ginger flavor to remove the horrid loss of virginity flashbacks from your mind. Everything will feel better with Pear Ginger Water. And the bubbles in this leave no taste. It is just water with some flavor of pear and ginger, not of devil’s tears.

  44. Dennis – Yes, they are probably interchangeable.

    Megan – Sounds good. Anyone from the UK want to send me a bottle? Wait, do I have readers in the UK?

  45. shoot me an email and we can work something out. i can get it here in germany and i have access to the USPS since i’m on an american facility.

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