Month: April 2005

Post Marshmallow Mania Pebbles

Marvo 16 Comments

While pouring myself a bowl of the new Post Marshmallow Mania Pebbles and after being frustrated with the super difficult What’s Different? puzzle on the back of the box, I remembered the times I spent in front of the television watching The Flintstones.

I also remember being told by my parents that I shouldn’t sit so close to the television or else I was going to screw up my vision.

After I came out of those flashbacks and cleaned my glasses, many questions about The Flintstones popped into my head that I would’ve never thought of as a little kid. For example:

(1) During the credits at the end of the show, when Fred dumped the sabertooth cat outside, the sabertooth cat jumped through the window, dumped Fred outside, and locked him out. Why didn’t Fred just jump through the window like the sabertooth cat, instead of pounding on the front door?

(2) Dino walked on all fours, but he also walked on his hind legs quite a bit. Why didn’t he just choose one way and stick with it? Why did he have to showoff?

(3) How could someone as hot as Wilma be married to a fat oaf like Fred?

(4) Was The Great Gazoo gay and was that the real reason why he was exiled to Earth?

As I pondered these questions, I began to chow down on the Marshmallow Mania Pebbles. After a few spoonfuls, the taste of the Marshmallow Mania Pebbles stopped my train of thought. The artificial vanilla-graham flavoring and the marshmallow-flavored sprinkles on the cereal didn’t have much taste. It made the cereal kind of bland and it disappointed me, like both of the live-action Flintstones movies, except for the scenes in the first movie with Halle Berry.

The only things that saved this cereal were the marshmallows, which have been known to make many things better, like hot chocolate, yams, campfires, the movie Ghostbusters, and William Hung’s singing, when you stuff the marshmallows in your ears.

Now the marshmallows in the cereal were supposed to be in the shapes of Fred, Barney, Dino, and Gazoo. After examining them, I have to say the only way anyone would think the marshmallows looked like any of those characters was if they were high.

Really high, like double-barrel-bong high.

Despite the large cast of character marshmallows, I really wished there were Wilma and Betty marshmallows, because I would love to eat those two.

Item: Post Marshmallow Mania Pebbles
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Marshmallows. Low-fat. Marshmallows. Vitamins and minerals. Marshmallows.
Cons: Cereal part was kind of bland, even with its artificial vanilla-graham flavoring and marshmallow flavored sprinkles. No Wilma or Betty marshmallows. What’s Different? puzzle on the back of the box was super hard.

Jockey Next To Nothing Boxer Brief

Marvo 32 Comments

Jockey Next To Nothing

In my head, there’s a mental list called, “Things I Do Not Want To Be Caught Doing.”

Some of the things on that list include:

(1) Buying or listening to a Kidz Bop CD.
(2) Saying I love Yanni’s music to impress a girl.
(3) Pretending I’m an underwear model.

The other day, I almost got caught pretending to be an underwear model, because of these Jockey Next To Nothing Boxer Briefs.

Looking at myself in the mirror in my underwear for long periods of time is not something I do, unless I happen to be in my underwear when I’m doing my weekly affirmation, which I say to myself, “I’m a sexy, sexy beast. Yeah, I am. Oh yeah, you like this? I know you do, baby! Uh-huh.”

I couldn’t stop pretending to model underwear because the Jockey Next To Nothing Boxer Brief made me feel sexy, without the weekly affirmation. Of course, they made me feel sexy, but they didn’t make me look sexy. They didn’t magically turn me into Marky Mark, because my abs more closely resemble a keg than a six-pack.

Although I have to admit, my entire upper body may have not looked too good in them, but my ass, albeit a little flat, looked good. It looked so good, that I had to wonder what it looked like if I shook it.

Of course, this meant I needed the appropriate booty-shaking music. The only song on my iPod that could truly fit the bill was Wreckx-N-Effect’s “Rump Shaker.”

While shaking my ass, I liked the way the Jockey Next To Nothing Boxer Brief hugged the curves of my lower body, which was a much different feeling than the boxers I usually wear. It also provided good support of my twig and berries, kind of like tighty-whities, but not too tight and not as white, which means no skidmarks.

One problem I had with the underwear was its name, Next To Nothing, because I can think of a few other things I could wear that are closer to next to nothing, like a thong or a fig leaf. Of course, wearing a thong or a fig leaf are other things I do not want to be caught doing.

Unfortunately, when I went back to the Jockey store to pick up more, I found out that Jockey discontinued the Next To Nothing line, which explained the reason why the price was discounted by over 50 percent.

After I found that out, I wondered, “How will I feel sexy now? Because the effects of those weekly affirmations only lasts for a few minutes.”

Thanks, Jockey.

(Editor’s Note #1: Sure, I could show you what the Jockey Next To Nothing Boxer Brief looks like on me with pictures, but that would be a little too risque and I don’t have clean socks to stuff down my crotch.)

(Editor’s Note #2: Instead I’m going to show you something a little less spicy. An old video of me ripping my shirt off.)

(Editor’s Note #3: Warning video may contain images not suitable for children, or anyone else.)

Item: Jockey Next To Nothing Boxer Brief
Purchase Price: $7.99 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Made my ass look good. Good support of my undercarriage. Made me feel sexy, without affirmations.
Cons: Discontinued. Doesn’t come in a size smaller than medium. Pretending to be an underwear model when you don’t have the body of an underwear model.

REVIEW: Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water

Marvo 58 Comments

Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water

Note to self: If the bottle of the beverage you’re thinking of purchasing has the word “sparkling” on it, avoid it at all costs, even if it is really cheap.

I’m no longer a sparkling water virgin, but it’s not really something I want to brag about. Just like all my other devirginizing experiences, losing my sparking water virginity was awkward, frustrating, and left a bad taste in my mouth.

At least it wasn’t as bad as the other devirginizing experience I’ve had, like losing my drunk barfing virginity and losing my bra wearing virginity, which included photocopied photos posted on the doors of all the women rooms in my dormitory.

I’m not sure how best I can describe the taste of sparkling water to those who still are sparkling water virgins, but I think it’s safe to say they taste like the tears from a devil.

If that explanation totally blew your mind or it sounded like I was drunk when I wrote it, sparkling water has a really bitter taste and a horrid aftertaste. Even with the light, and I mean light, taste of berry in the Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water, it still tasted like someone figured out a way to bottle the color gray.

Every swig I took of the Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water made me shudder. However, I’ve been using that shuddering to my advantage. I’ve been nursing the same 20-ounce bottle for the past seven days and during those days I’ve taken a swig of the Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water whenever I needed to be perked up, since drinking it is such a shock to my system.

It’s sort of like being shocked by static electricity, except without the static or the electricity.

Beside the horrible taste, another thing that bothered me about the Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water was the fact that it was cheaper than the same-sized bottle of regular Aquafina water. This made me think that the Aquafina Sparkling Water was actually made from the water that was rejected for regular Aquafina water.

The people at Aquafina were probably thinking they could use it to water plants, but then realized there’s no money to be made watering plants, so they added some carbonation and as little flavor as possible and sold it as Aquafina Sparking Water.

It’s sort of like how the workers at my middle school cafeteria turned Monday’s meatloaf into Friday’s tacos.

Waste not, want not.

Yahtzee!

Okay with the review out of the way, it’s time to announce this month’s prize drawing. I know it’s a little early, but I really have to get rid of this month’s prizes, which are packs of Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies.

I originally was going to give away five packs of them, but I ate one, so now we’re down to four and if I didn’t start accepting entries for the prize drawing today, that number probably would’ve dropped to three.

So four lucky readers will each receive one 4-pack of those damn good Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies.

To enter the drawing, just leave a comment for THIS review with the words “Thin Mints’ Beeyatch” in it and whatever else you would like to say. Or, if you think we’re lame comment whores, you can also enter by sending us an email with the phrase “Cookie Monster” in the subject field.

If you leave a comment, don’t forget to fill out the email field, because we will be emailing the winner for their mailing address. Don’t worry about the shipping, we will take care of it.

We will start accepting entries for the drawing on April 5, 2005. We will stop accepting entries on April 8, 2005. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States and Canada. (Sorry, rest of the world)

Each entry will be stuffed into the empty Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water from this review. After all the entries are stuffed, I will curse the bottle and kick it around for messing with my tastebuds.

The first four entries I pull out of the bottle will be the four winners.

Fine Print: We promise your email address will not be used to send you spam about how you can download Clay Aiken ringtones. We also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you offers for Playboy Magazine. Bribes will not be accepted. We will not be responsible for melted chocolate, broken cookies, or lost mail.

Item: Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water
Purchase Price: 89 cents
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: The horrible bitter taste can be used to send a shock to your system. Lost my sparkling water virginity, but I want it back.
Cons: It’s extremely bitter, like the tears from a devil. Very light berry flavor. Cheaper than regular Aquafina water.

Poop Water

Marvo 31 Comments

Poop Water

(Editor’s Note: This review contains references to bowel movements and many different forms of the word “poop.” If you are uncomfortable with this, please do not continue. If you are comfortable with this and have a laptop, this review would make great reading material while backing a big brown caddie out of the garage. Enjoy.)

They say death, taxes, and our doo-doo stinking are the only three things that we can be certain of in this lifetime.

By now you’re probably used to the smell of your own dookie, but sometimes, depending on what you ate, the smell of your own Lincoln Logs can overwhelm you. Of course, there are many products out there that help with the smell of your brown torpedos, like aerosol spray air fresheners, scented candles, matches, and clothespins.

But there are problems with each of these things. With aerosol sprays, unless you want a shower of it coming on you, you can’t spray it while making a deposit at the porcelain bank. Scented candles take a while before its scent is in the air, and by that time, you might be done with giving birth to a buttsnake. With matches, you could possibly burn your fingers or have the urge to light your farts. As for clothespins, they just plain hurt when you pinch your nose with them.

Over the past year, I’ve noticed that many households here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean have been using Poop Water, which is brought to us by our friends in Japan, who have also given us such great products as the Sony PSP, Toyota Camry, and anime porn.

Okay, the product’s name isn’t actually Poop Water, I just gave it that name because I don’t know how to translate its real Japanese name, Toire Sonoatoni Kyoryokuittekisyosyu. You would think two years of college Japanese classes would help me translate that, but the only complex sentence I can put together in Japanese is, “Geri ga arimasu,” which means, “I have diarrhea.”

My poor Japanese language abilities also made it impossible to translate the Poop Water’s instructions. Fortunately, there were diagrams on the packaging which explained how to use it.

Anyway, this product is basically a deodorizing liquid for those times when the upside down volcano is erupting. Adding two drops of Poop Water into the toilet before, during, or after taking a Number Two, will destroy the smell of your Winnie the Poohs. After days of testing, the Poop Water almost instantly got rid of the smell coming from my butt nuggets.

It should also help when taking a leak after eating asparagus. Unfortunately, I hate asparagus, so I couldn’t test this theory out.

At first, the clean, fresh, but slightly chemical smell of the Poop Water annoyed my nose, but by the third use, I was used to it. But then again, almost anything smells better than when I download some brownware.

After initial testing, the only reoccurring problem I’ve had with the Poop Water was remembering to use it while making a Madonna movie. Since the Poop Water bottle is very small (holds 20 mL), I sometimes don’t notice it, so I don’t use it, because as they say, “Out of sight, out of mind.”

Although the Poop Water bottle is very small, a bottle of it should last four to six months, depending on how much fiber you eat.

Item: Poop Water
Purchase Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Only two drops needed. Works almost instantly. Clean, fresh, but slightly chemical smell. Better than using a clothespin to combat the smell of caca.
Cons: Pricey for such a small bottle. Might be hard to find for most people. Might not remember to use it while building ass rockets.