Colgate 360 Toothbrush

Colgate 360

My dentist once explained to me, “Toothbrushes are like hookers. Cheap ones will get the job done. The more expensive ones will have all their teeth and will also get the job done, except you have to pay a little bit more for some extra tricks.”

No, wait. That doesn’t sound right.

Oh, yeah. It was, “Toothbrushes are like cars. The cheap ones will get the job done and the more expensive ones will get the job done just as well.”

On second thought, I liked the hooker version better.

Anyway, I’ve been trying out the new Colgate 360 Toothbrush for the past couple of weeks. Being the cheap bastard that I am, I didn’t like the idea of spending over three dollars for ONE toothbrush, but there was something about the Colgate 360 Toothbrush that intrigued me.

That something was the built-in tongue cleaner, which seems like a typical marketing gimmick, like Valentine’s Day and the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes relationship. However, some people with lab coats, clipboards, and the title “Dr.” in front of their names say that the buildup of bacteria on the tongue is one of the causes of bad breath.

They also say another cause of bad breath is salad tossing.

After using the tongue cleaner, I can’t really tell if it’s taking off anything, even though it feels like I’m rubbing Velcro on my tongue.

However, perhaps the reason why it’s not taking off anything is because the instructions on the Colgate website say I should brush my tongue for ten seconds, but when I brushed my tongue, I spent seven seconds of the time gagging.

I was totally disappointed in myself. I can deep throat a banana, but brushing my tongue makes me gag? I have learned NOTHING!

Usually if I want to clean my tongue, I take a spoon and scrape it, which I read about in some magazine. It works well because when I’m done scraping, I can actually see the crap I just took off and wonder if it’s the reason why women from Arab countries cover their faces when they’re around me.

Other features of the Colgate 360 Toothbrush include the several types and lengths of bristles, which are arranged very similar to crop circles made by UFOs.

Colgate 360 Video

There’s also comfortable gel padding in the middle of the toothbrush’s shaft, where most people hold their toothbrushes. Unfortunately, the gel padding is useless to me because I hold my toothbrushes like I hold my knives to cut those who mess with my hoes.

Overall, the Colgate 360 Toothbrush will get the job done as well as any other toothbrush. All the features, like the tongue cleaner and the gel padding are nice, but unnecessary because you can use a spoon to clean your tongue and I’ve never heard of anyone getting carpal tunnel syndrome from brushing their teeth.

For a person like me, who changes his toothbrush every three months, spending three bucks for a toothbrush can get semi-expensive over a year. So the Colgate 360 Toothbrush breaks my only rule when buying toothbrushes, “If it’s cheaper to buy a rock of crack than the toothbrush, the toothbrush is too expensive.”

Item: Colgate 360 Toothbrush
Purchase Price: $3.22
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Semi-useful tongue cleaner and gel padding. Crop circle bristles.
Cons: Overpriced, more expensive than a rock of crack. Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes relationship. Brushing my tongue makes me gag. Messing with my hoes.

42 thoughts to “Colgate 360 Toothbrush”

  1. Haha. Awesome story! If you ever have any stories and no room to publish them, come on over to Circle of Jerks. We’d love to have some good quality writing like that. Thanks for the laugh.

  2. Wow, this costs more than a rock of crack, huh? As expensive as other stuff in Hawaii is, you have some good illegal bargains there!

  3. carrie – Just a chuckle? Eh, I’ll take it.

    Stan – You’re welcome. Thanks for the offer.

    ajs – Thanks for the compliment.

    Chuck – I think anyone can get cheap crack. Heck, I think anyone can make cheap crack. I hear the problem with cheap crack is that it isn’t very potent, which actually makes those addicted want more of it.

    Kris – Thanks.

  4. Actually a toothbrush has so many uses that many people are oblivious to them.
    You know, it can be used as a back scratcher, especially the bristtly backside of the toothbrush.
    Or, it can be used to clean the floor, well you know if you’re in the army or somethin’ and you get in big trouble.
    But of course, I’m sure most women don’t even know that this new toothbrush is obviously a skinny dildo in disguise : D.

  5. damn, i downloaded that video hoping it was a movie of you running around and trying to brush a bunch of weird things…

    That toothbrush reminds me of newfangled basketball shoes or something. Weird color and ridges and protrusions. Whatever happened to plain tennis shoes…

  6. You’d better be using that toothbrush religiously if your tossing salad Marvo 😉

  7. Don’t make fun of people getting carpal tunnel from brushing their teeth. We suffer a very tragic plight. It makes us get $100+ toothbrushes that do all the work for us.
    When I for a foundation of people who got Carpal tunnel in amusing, even comical ways, you won’t be laughing.
    The guy who got carpal tunnel from pitchforks ain’t laughing.

    My future chronic-carpal tunnel foundation aside, I think I got one of those colgates for free with a dentist visit! Yessss It’s better when it’s free.

    The whole “better when free” thing doesn’t really apply to your hooker metaphor, though…
    Or does it?

    I command a review on that very topic! 🙂

  8. Davad – Ha! Ha!

    Jen – Oops. Sorry. Next time try some Depends. Oh wait, maybe I should try some Depends. That would make an awesome review!

    BPyser1 – This toothbrush does have a ribbed handle. Too bad it didn’t vibrate.

    Bryan – I spent $3.22 on the toothbrush. I’m going to waste it by brushing a whole bunch of thing. If I’m going to run it into the ground, I’m going to do it by brushing my teeth three times a day.

    Chuck – Virtual crack. It’s like crack, except without the seizures and hallucinations.

    Ken – Or if I’m eating garlic.

    KT – So if people can get carpal tunnel from brushing their teeth, can I get it from masturbating? If I can, I think your foundation must focus a majority of its efforts to overcome it.

  9. I prefer to just get the cheap ones when they’re like 2 or 3 for a buck. Though I noticed in some places there’s super cheap Chinese ones at ten for a buck. Spend enough time each evening with even the cheapest toothpaste and it’ll do as good a job as the more expensive ones.

    Toothbrushes that is.

    And by “toothpaste,” I mean hookers.

  10. Ummm… I just brush my tongue with my regular toothbrush, sans crop circles. *breathing into cupped hands* I think my breath is okay. But I’ll be sure to add another 7 seconds of gagging to my brushing routine, just to be sure.

  11. I, too, fell for the marketing ploy of the tongue scraper, figuring that if some marketing wizards somewhere said I needed it, then dammit, I really did need it! Like you, however, I found myself gagging and have never used the tongue scraper again. Damn those marketing wizards! Damn them to hell! Since I like to use old toothbrushes that I don’t use anymore for cleaning tasks around the house, like scrubbing around the hinges of the toilet lid and scrubbing grout (not that I’m anal or anything), I figure the tongue scraper will come in more useful as a cleaning utensil, perhaps for scraping grease from the stove or dried toothpaste from the sink. We shall see.

  12. Well I will have to say I am pretty anal about my tooth brushes. I like the more expensive ones. I have tried them all and I personally think the more expensive ones do the job better. I am glad you reviewed this because I think I am going to purchase one. It works out because I needed a new one anyway!! Very funny today!!

  13. Obviously you need to practice rubbing your tongue as you deep throat various fruits and veggies. Try asparagus, or celery. If you can put the whole stalk down your throat, we will find you a virtual hooker. there has to be a site for that somewhere. granted, you’ll have to pay them off with virtual crack, and a virtual pimp might try to kick your ass, but hey, the vd will only affect your computer!

    Now I have to ask, do you scrape your tongue with a spoon at restaraunts? Or is this something you indulge in only in the privacy of your home? Would a spork work as well?

  14. Must say I’m disappointed in the video, as well as the fact that I did not see a pic of the squishy handle that prevents carpel tunnel syndrome.

    I think KT should start an organization of people who have managed to get strange injuries while masturbating. It would have more members, and the meetings would be really funny.

  15. I tried that toothbrush out but was too lazy to review it. The tongue scrapper seemed a like a waste and mad me gag too. I got all pooled w/ water and didn’t feel like it was doing anything. I just brush my tongue with the normal bristles. Also that rubber stuff in between the bristles is odd.

  16. I was encouraged by my ex to try this toothbrush. Honestly, I think it was her way of vicariously getting more money out of me, but I digress.

    I had an extra $4.00 leftover from my allowance, so I decided to give it a go. I was not impressed and think my toothbrush that came free with my tube of Colgate works just as well. I do like the “squishy” thing on the handle, though.

  17. gko – Yeah, I usually get the ones that go on sale at Longs. I think it’s two for $1.59 or something like that.

    Mir – I used to brush my tongue with a regular toothbrush, but I figured I was just moving around the bacteria instead of removing it. So when I read about the spoon trick, I did that instead.

    pel – I used to use my old toothbrushes to clean my golf clubs, but now that I don’t play golf anymore, I use them to build toothbrush cabins, which are very much like Lincoln Log cabins or popsicle stick cabins, except built with toothbrushes.

    Becky – Yes, The Impulsive Buy influences another! SHOW ME THE MONEY, COLGATE!!!

    Amy in GA – I actually have a designated spoon that I scrape my tongue with in my bathroom. It’s right next to my toothbrush. I’m sure a spork would do just fine. If only they made metal sporks. As for the video, you’re lucky I didn’t create a strip tease video with the toothbrush.

    Archebaldo – Yeah, I forgot to mention those rubber things. On the website, it says they’re used to gently remove stains for smoother and whiter teeth. I wish I had stains to remove.

    caitlin – I wouldn’t, but I’m sure there are some kinky people in the world who would.

    Kris – Yeah, that squishy stuff does feel good, but I think I would prefer that squish stuff in my shoes than on my toothbrush. I’m gellin’ like a felon.

  18. BPyser1, if we’re going to talk about bathroom items that can be used for masturbation, I direct the peoples attention to the new “Venus Vibrance” vibrating ladies razor. I’m just saying, those things have unnecessarily fat handles. Anyway, I like the crop circles, but think that brushing my tongue works just as well as the velcro-y stuff most likely.

  19. Lucy – I have it too! 😉 What color is yours?

    Genny from the Burbs – Also, isn’t the handle of the Venus Vibrance ribbed for your “shaving” pleasure.

    ayesha97 – MUST FIND METAL SPORK!!! However, I do have a fork with a handle that extends.

  20. Great review again Marvo. Does this brush have the replaceable head like my crest spinbrush pro? I get two heads for the price slightly cheaper than the whole mechanism.
    I like my crest brush I will never go back to a standard brush.

  21. Another Great And Funny Review.

    I Wonder If Some Scientist Can Confirm This?:
    “They also say another cause of bad breath is salad tossing.”

  22. What I want to know is where to get a rock of crack for less than $4. I can’t get it for less than $5 unless I suck a dick or three.

  23. Amy in GA- Isn’t there already a “hilarious injury related to masturbation” group? I could have sworn I was at the meeting today…

    Hmm.. it was in a dark alley, maybe it was just creepy guys standing around talking about stuff. :-/

  24. Kent – Thanks. Nope, no replaceable heads. I wish I had a replaceable head.

    Damon – Thanks for the compliment. I’d like to be in the laboratory when the scientists experiment to find this out.

    Kelly – You know, just like cookies, crack is cheaper if you make it yourself.

  25. I tried this toothbrush last toothbrush-period (I WISH I could get a toothbrush to last me three months. Heck, I’d go for one month. I gnaw the shit out of them, apparently). But mine was free. Yay, Walgreens coupons-and-rebate items. Sometimes you can actually MAKE money there.

    It wasn’t even worth $0.00. It was torture on a stick. I’m glad you liked yours, since you spent a whole week’s allowance on it and all, but I thought this was the cruelest toothbrush ever developed. It ripped my mouth to shreds. And, forget that tongue-cleaner shit. You’d do better with a sheet of sandpaper. The rough kind. Attached to an electrical sander.

    The folks at Colgate are laughing at us. “Next, we’ll attach a blowtorch to the handle and call it The New Firey Clean. Those suckers will buy anything.” “Hey, hey, what about just repackaging the cheapo 79-center that we were gonna stop bothering to sell and tell ’em they have to keep it in the freezer between uses? Call it The Colgate Icy Freshbrush.” “Yeah, yeah, but, forget the freezer. Let’s make a mini-freezer unit for the bathroom and tell ’em they have to keep it plugged in.”

    Technical advancements in toothbrushery is crap.

  26. cube – Yup, 33 comments for sticking a toothbrush in my mouth. Now you should’ve seen how many comments I got for sticking a condom-covered banana covered in my mouth.

    Eliza – I’m waiting for the toothbrush that jackhammers away stains.

  27. Amy in GA – Wait, you’re going to start telling me to put condoms on everything, aren’t you?

    Becky – If I do, I promise to share it with all of The Impulsive Buy’s readers. 😉

    Webmiztris – Damn! It seems everyone else gets cool things when they go to the dentist. I get the 25 cent toothbrush with my dentist’s name printing on it. So unfair.

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