Stooples: Office Tools for Hopeless Fools


Oh yeah, baby!


Versatile Office Nipple Clips! That’s what I’m talking about!


Me likey! Me likey!


Me love you long time!

W-w-what? I’m sorry. I was having a quasi-product review blog editor’s wet dream. I get them after looking through product catalogs and finding a bunch of stuff I’d like to review. This time I was looking through Stooples: Office Tools for Hopeless Fools, a parody on office supply catalogs.

Office supply catalogs to a quasi-product review blog editor are like stolen Victoria’s Secret catalogs to creepy lonely men and Russian mail order bride catalogs to creepy old lonely men. We love looking through them, letting our imaginations run wild, and occasionally getting pages of a catalog stuck together.

Although, now that I think about it, here at the Impulsive Buy we hardly ever review office supplies and equipment. I believe we don’t review them because they’re kind of boring. Except for staple removers, which make decent S&M toys.

However, the selection in Stooples included many items that would easily cause any quasi-product review blog editor to cream in their pants. Some of my favorites included:

The Pen That Is Mightier Than the Sword for 49 cents

Description from Stooples: Now you can test this adage for yourself. Charge into battle wailing and flailing your pen against master swordsmen, knife-wielding psychos, manicurists with attitude and others armed with sharp weaponry. Not enough of a challenge? Take on Bloods and Crips, Peruvian rebel bases and Libya. Still not enough of a challenge? How ’bout I beat you upside the head with this book.

Versatile Office Nipple Clips for 39 cents

Description from Stooples: Many steel-tempered, nickel-plated binder clips are good for either gripping reports or clamping nipples, but never both. Until now. Our rectangular design holds paper, nipples, with equal efficiency and optimum compression. Durable grasp doesn’t weaken over time or tugging. Option: you may remove arms for permanent binding, but think carefully.

Typo Whip for $29.99

Description from Stooples: Teach your secretary the value of proofreading. Woven strands of correction tape form foot-long whip; allow on-the-spot disciplinary action for forgetting to spell-check. Punish letter-dropping, reverse wording and too much spacing. Horsewhip or cat-o’-nine tails.

Downsizing LSD (Layoff Soother & Depressant) for $29.99 per tablet

Description from Stooples: Delivering news about layoffs is no fun for anyone, but the last thing you need is an irate ex-employee chasing you around a desk with a letter opener. Downsizing LSD keeps things calm. Simply place in coffee (theirs, not yours) and within minutes they’re ready to hear anything. Closing entire office? Downsizing LSD tablets can be placed in company watercoolers. Employ 83% of the local workforce and now you’re moving the entire operation to Guatemala? Seed passing cloud formations with industrial strength LSD, pray for rain, run like hell. Also available: Human Resource Halcyon.

God, I would totally kill for The Pen That Is Mightier Than the Sword, and if I had The Pen That Is Mightier Than the Sword, I could use it to kill someone for The Pen That Is Mightier Than the Sword.

Of course, since Stooples is a parody of an office supply catalog, I can only dream of the stuff I could’ve reviewed — and then in the morning clean up whatever mess I made from dreaming.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Adam Najberg, a co-author of the book, for sending me a copy of Stooples. Perhaps this book will give office supply companies ideas and I hope that many of them come to fruition, especially The Pen That is Mightier Than the Sword, because there are a couple of swords I’d like to take down. I’m talking to you, Tommy Lee! Also, go check out the Stooples website.)

Item: Stooples: Office Tools for Hopeless Fools
Purchase Price: FREE
Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Pros: Hilarious book. One of the best ways to give a quasi-product review blog editor a boner. Perfect for those who like to look at pretty pictures and not have a lot of words get in the way…or illiterate people.
Cons: Since none of the products can be ordered, it’s one of the best ways to give blue balls to a quasi-product review blog editor. I didn’t come up with the idea.

13 thoughts to “Stooples: Office Tools for Hopeless Fools”

  1. I work in a bookstore and got a good laugh out of the Stooples catalogue. My favorite was the “accent translator,” which you put in your phone and everything anyone says instantly sounds exactly like the accents of wherever it is you live. As someone who’s worked in tech support and listened to my share of extremely thick Brooklyn/southern/boston etc. accents, I can see the use for that. 🙂

  2. I must have this book.
    Please to send to me?
    Much the thanks!

    I hope that all of those products come true so you can review them all!

  3. Man, this is like when you see a preview for a movie and you’re like “WHOA! That looks totally awesome” and movie voice over guy comes on and says (basically) “Coming…… in the next presidential administration”. Except this time, it’s never. Tease.

  4. But if you were into binder clip nipple clamps, you couldn’t really be a hopless fool, could you? At least in most places, you’d be pretty popular for that.

  5. Hopless? Let’s try hopeless. If you had the pen, you could kill someone and take their pen. That’s either some time-travel mumbo jumbo or just two people fighting with pens, where the winner is determined by unseen talents. Yours appears to be stripping in dim lighting environments.

  6. I hate the name “stooples.” But more importantly – why is it that the products you like have “nipples” and use “whips.” They say you can tell a lot about a man by the things he likes … okay maybe nobody says that – but I’m saying it dammit!

  7. Webmiztris – If there was a grammar whip, I would be punished all the time.

    Chuck – I love Despair products, the anti-inspirational posters. Although, they do inspire me to be not inspirational, so I guess they do inspire.

    Jobetta – Don’t forget outsourced customer service!

    Lucy – Yes, it was!

    KT – All those stripping videos would make me stripped out and I would no longer have the urge to strip. It would be so bad that I’ll probably be taking showers with my clothes on.

    Genny From the Burbs – Yeah, I’m bummed! There was a Rubic’s Cubicle I would’ve liked and then gotten frustrated with.

    klew – Yeah, I kick ass stripping in dimmed environments, but if a pole or lights are involved, I totally suck.

    tanya – I also like moonlit walks in the park, potpourri, cooking shows, and, on occasion, the Tyra Banks Show.

  8. Patricia – Um…Wrong post. Unless you really like TPS reports and like to shout it everywhere you go.

    nat – Sadly, I’ve always been quasi, and will probably never move up to almost-but-not-quite product review blog editor.

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