Jones Soda Whoop Ass Energy Drink

Whoop Ass Energy Drink, eh? You’re more like Whoop-De-Doo or the one-hit wonder, “Whoop! There It Is!”

You maybe the champ now, but when Wrestle Wreckage IV on pay-per-view passes, that title belt you have is either going to be around The Reviewer’s waist or around your neck.

Don’t take The Reviewer lightly, Whoop Ass Energy Drink.

The Reviewer ISN’T Gene Shalit! The Reviewer ISN’T Roger Ebert! The Reviewer ISN’T Dustin Rowles!

But The Reviewer IS going to kick your ass at Wrestle Wreckage IV.

The Reviewer doesn’t care if you bring your caffeine, taurine, inositol, ginseng, and guarana. It’s enough to give The Reviewer energy when The Reviewer is reviewing, but it’s not enough to kick The Reviewers ass. Heck, bring your donkey, hippopotamus, elephant, and duckbilled platypus, because it’s still not enough.

There’s no doubt that I will beat you at Wrestle Wreckage IV. The odds of me winning the World Championship belt from you are better than the odds that either Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, or Luke Wilson will be in the next Ben Stiller movie.

You don’t impress me with your 310% thiamin, 310% riboflavin, 100% niacin, and 260% vitamin B6, because the only numbers that really matter are these two 12-inch guns I have right here.

Oh yeah!

With these two 12-inch guns, I’m going to bitch slap the green color right out of you. And speaking of things coming out, your citrus taste is more like a spit-this taste. It tasted bitter and sweet, like I was sucking on a Louie-Bloo Raspberry Otter Pop plastic tube.

Finally, what’s up with the red and white stripes? Are you a candy cane? Are you a barber shop pole? Are you a candystriper? Well you’re going to need candystripers when I’m done with you after Wrestle Wreckage IV on pay-per-view.

You may think you have The Reviewer’s spirit down after you attacked The Reviewer the other night with a steel chair and slammed The Reviewer through a table when The Reviewer was wrestling The Wall, but I reviewed your poor attempt at bringing me down, and I have to say that it sucked worse than a Creed CD.

But the next time you step in the ring, you better watch out, because The Reviewer will be watching with a steel chair. Also, here a little nugget for you to remember, steel is stronger than aluminum.

But you know what? When we get to Wrestle Wreckage IV, it doesn’t matter whether it’s steel or aluminum, bitter or sweet, candy cane or candystriper, or donkey or platypus, because when The Reviewer gets you into The Reviewer’s finishing move, The Final Verdict, The Reviewer is going to crush you.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Jim for sending me a can of Whoop Ass and for not opening a can of whoop ass on me, because I’m pretty sure he could totally kick my ass, hang me on a hook by my underwear, and have people pay one dollar to throw eggs at me.)

Item: Jones Soda Whoop Ass Energy Drink
Purchase Price: FREE (Thanks, Jim!)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: My finishing move, The Final Verdict. Lots of energy, but not enough to kick my ass. My two 12-inch guns.
Cons: Bitter taste. “Whoop! There It Is!” Steel chairs.

11 thoughts to “Jones Soda Whoop Ass Energy Drink”

  1. Even if it tastes bad, it might be fun to buy a can, just so you could say, “I’m going to open a can of whoop ass on you” and then demonstrating your can-opening moves.

  2. A friend from work brought me a can of this six years ago, because at that time it wasn’t available here in the middle of nowhere, AKA Kansas. But I liked the can so much I never opened it. It still sits on my desk, unopened. Someday, maybe it will explode or something, then I will be sad. However, my partner has tried it, and pretty much agrees with your verdict.

  3. I could have made money off of having people pelt you with eggs? Damn. I could have used some more Christmas present money. Oh, well. Maybe next year. 😉

  4. “Restores faith in mankind.”

    Wow. Heady verbosity. Great Expectations II.

    And here I thought we need another “energy” drink like a dog needs fleas.

    *scratches behind ears*

  5. Marvo,

    I thought you were okay but am beginning to worry about some anger mangement issues! I think you could take the can of Whoop Ass but do you need to be so agressive? After all it is just a can of energy drink!!

    1-888-the-rapy! is the number you sould be calling!

    Try some chocolate and all will be well with the world!

  6. I first had that like 5 years ago and I still have the can. Yup, it was yucky but the can rocks.

  7. Chuck – Unfortunately, everyone here is bigger than me, so by the time I say it, they would’ve kicked my ass.

    Pel – I have cute little Coke cans from Japan that I haven’t opened. I think they’re over ten years old. I wonder what would happen if I drank them?

    Jim – Okay, maybe not a dollar, but definitely a quarter per person.

    Karen – So you think there are too many energy drinks? Um, well I guess I should stop my idea to make another energy drink called, Chug-a-lug.

    Sasha_Kitty – I guess I do sound like I’m on steroids. Is my forehead getting bigger?

    dramastically – The can is going to make me some money. A whole five cents. Yeah, that’s going towards the lunch I owe you.

    Toni – He sort of does. But I would look better with gay Pikachu.

  8. Leather Head – I’d send you my can, but I would charge you something like $100.

    The Game – I don’t really need some, because I already had some.

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