Cargo Magazine

Cargo Magazine was like a quasi-product review blog editor’s Playboy Magazine, because they each contain pictures of things that I will never have – either beautiful, naked, and airbrushed women or overpriced, trendy goods.

Now there’s a “was” near the beginning of the previous sentence because the May 2006 issue of Cargo Magazine was the last issue EVER. It now ceases to exist much just like other magazines I’ve enjoyed over the years, such as Unshaven Hermit Weekly, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Cleanliness Magazine, and Gangsta Wannabe Monthly.

Cargo Magazine was also like Playboy because with both magazines, pages sometimes stuck together. Although, with the Cargo Magazine, the reason why they stuck together was because of the sticker tabs that were in every issue, which allowed readers to mark the pages that contained products they could buy, if they were rich or sold one of their kidneys.

What am I going to do now without Cargo Magazine?

How will I learn about what’s cool, hot, hip, trendy, awesome, radical, phat, fly, stylish, happening, and groovy?

Where else can I read about a $500 pair of Italian leather Gucci shoes, $150 corduroy men’s capri shorts, and $100 designer t-shirts?

Where else can I learn about a $250,000 sports car which I could buy if I were going through a midlife crisis or needed to compensate for particular physical deficiencies?

What magazine will I turn to when I want to view fourteen straight pages of advertisements with handsome skinny young white men in European designer clothing with pretty skinny young white women in either European designer clothing or nothing at all?

How am I going to learn about the latest cell phones that will allow me to have A-Ha’s Take On Me as a ringtone, text message my friend in the club who is standing right next to me, and take voyeuristic photos of hot chicks at the mall?

Without Cargo Magazine, I don’t know how I can spend entire paychecks or get further into credit card debit?

I shall miss you Cargo Magazine.

Sitting on the porcelain throne will never be the same.

(Editor’s Note: Did you know you could buy REALLY cheap magazine subscriptions on eBay? Search eBay for whatever magazine title you want and voila. Subscriptions take 8 to 10 weeks to begin, but that’s the same amount of time it takes if you were to use a subscription card. Unfortunately, no Cargo Magazine. Playboy on the other hand…)

Item: Cargo Magazine
Purchased Price: $4.99 (2-year subscription)
Purchased At: eBay
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: The Playboy for quasi-product review blog editors. Tells me what’s cool and hip. Something to read on the throne. Cheap magazine subscriptions on eBay.
Cons: No longer in existence. Full of things I can’t afford. Excessive amount of ads of beautiful people. Number twos won’t be the same. Particular physical deficiencies. The loss of Gangsta Wannabe Monthly.

20 thoughts to “Cargo Magazine”

  1. I remember getting a subscription offer for this magazine in the mail. I wonder if any of their readers can actually afford to buy the stuff they recommend. Evidently, not enough of them could, since they are no longer in business.

  2. Huh, never heard of it. Although, that might be good for my pocketbook.

    You don’t hear magazines going out of business that often. Hope newsweek is next.

  3. Hey buddy, tell me more about buying subscriptions on ebay. I’m looking right now and have found some but this sounds pretty crazy to me, and ridiculously cheap (3 year subscriptions for like 8 dollars…). Sounds almost too good to be true.

    Any sellers you reccomend?

    Oh, and keep on reviewing those products. You are a true American hero.

  4. Here is what you do. You run out and get the last copy of the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog and for good measure any of the last 3 Neiman Marcus Christmas Wishlist catalogs. I mean ever boy needs h is own lear jet right?

  5. Never heard of it.. although, probably wouldn’t of read it anyway.

    Although, pickle pilfering.. ohhhhh yea.

  6. To answer your repeated question as to where to turn now that Cargo is gone, you can still get the Robb Report. I enjoy reading the real estate section of the ads for what islands are currenly available…..

  7. sniff, sniff…thanks for the review…Cargo will be deeply missed..

    I never heard of it before your review, but it sounds like a lame magazine. I will have to seek my ‘passport to style’ elseewhere.

    heheh..pickle pilfering

  8. Oooooh, yeah, that magazine…yeah. My partner didn’t take Cargo’s downfall that well. Not once, but twice subscribed. And to make it worse, he actually used the stickers to label pages of junk he wanted. Sheesh, now I’m embarrassed for him.

  9. How sad that Cargo is gone! I am a Lucky Magazine junkie (“the magazine about shopping”) — Cargo was the “brother publication”. I also now subscribe to Shop Etc. — similar premise, and I am awaiting my first copy of Adore Shop. I pay for Lucky, but I love free/super cheap mag subscriptions.

  10. Marvo, never fear, there’s still MAXIM, FHM and Stuff.

    And there’s always the one that got all the men’s mag craziness started: DETAILS for Men (which i read religiously when it first came out and was only known as “DETAILS” which meant it wasn’t chauvanistically-inclined to be “for Men”!!!).

    And I suppose GQ was the first and probably the best mag out there for ewe doods. I mean you dudes.

  11. Hey Rick, I need an excuse to bring my laptop into the bathroom with me? Doesn’t everybody?



  12. Rylan – Meh, but I’m getting free issues of GQ magazine. Less pictures, more words. Must learn how to read.

    Chuck – I got the first issue free. Hmm, maybe it’s a collector’s item.

    Muneer – I hope Juggs isn’t.

    thedvs01 – The reason why there are such cheap prices on eBay is because these magazines want as many subscription readers as possible because more readers mean the more they can charge for advertising. As for sellers on eBay, I would just recommend they have a lot of feedback. Also, you really should look carefully at each auction. Sometimes they will have a REALLY cheap price, but charge a shipping fee, which is lame because they aren’t paying anything for shipping. So look for auctions that have good prices and don’t charge shipping. Also, if you don’t see a magazine you want email one of the sellers and they might be able to get it for you.

    Grins – OOOOH, HOVERCRAFT!!!!!!!! ONLY $14,000!!! SWEET!!!

    Muneer – Don’t forget, a lover and fighter.

    Andy – If I could steal a whole pickle barrel, I totally would.

    Hapless – I could totally go for an island. Kidnap people, then drop them on the island and watch their attempts to be rescued…or hunt them. Yup.

    Webmiztris – Yeah, I guess ass crack tanning is only for a VERY small minority.

    skibs – Cucumber pilfering is much harder.

    Domokun – But did he buy any of the stuff. That’s the real question.

    AmberLB – I’m going to take a guess at this, you like shopping.

    Mellie Helen – Heh, “on the other hand…”

    Karen – I used to read DETAILS, but I’ve always thought of it as a GQ wannabe, but could never be gentleman enough.

    Rick Dobbs – That was an awesome link. Thank goodness for PDFs.

    Muneer – Laptops make me take longer poops than I should.

    Mir – More fun than pea pilfering.

    Rylan – I don’t.

  13. I was suckered into a subscription by a mail solicitation and offer of a free Cargo messenger bag. I received one issue then just yesterday a postcard from Cargo advising me they decided to halt publication but that the remaining issues would be sent in the form of GQ or, in my case added to my existing GQ subscription. No messenger bag. Bollocks!

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