REVIEW: Heineken Premium Light

Sometimes to be creative, people need a catalyst – something that sparks the imagination and lets creativity flow.

For many great writers, like Ernest Hemingway, Herman Melville, Scott Fitzgerald, John Steinbeck, Edgar Allan Poe, and my friend Ryan, their catalyst was/is alcohol.

Since alcohol helped these writers create wonderful pieces of literature (except for my friend Ryan, who instead wrote about his experiences in nightclubs for a local alternative newspaper) I felt that it wouldn’t hurt if I tried to find out if alcohol would help me be more creative, and perhaps write the GREATEST quasi-product review IN THE WORLD.

Okay, I may not be able to write the GREATEST quasi-product review IN THE WORLD, but at least something better than the usual crap I spew out.

To make this happen, I need two things, alcohol and something to review. Although not a lot of alcohol, because excessive amounts of it make me want to dance with inanimate objects, especially refrigerators, which in an inebriated state look like big booty white women to me, like pre-Trimspa Anna Nicole Smith…times two.

Also, for some reason, I like to dance with poles when drunk.

Anyway, let’s see what kinds of alcohol I have in The Impulsive Buy Laboratory.

Red wine? Too classy.

Vanilla vodka? Too much of a chance I’ll end up freakin’ a fridge.

Listerine? Too painful.

NyQuil? Too drowsy.

Rubbing alcohol? Too poisonous.

Heineken Premium Light Beer? Yahtzee!

Oooh, I can also review it. Sweet!

Let’s do this.

7:45 p.m. – Okay, so I’m sitting here with my laptop and Heineken Premium Light Beer. I’ve taken a couple of swigs of the beer and I don’t feel creative.

7:47 p.m. – I’ve gone through a quarter of a bottle and I don’t have any ideas for the GREATEST quasi-product review IN THE WORLD. The Heineken Premium Light so far has been easy to drink. It’s like a slightly watered down version of regular Heineken. It tastes all right. But if you like Heineken and are watching your girlish figure, you probably will enjoy the 99 calories and low carbs in each bottle.

7:50 p.m. – Oh man, I’m feeling kind of warm. I’m such a frickin’ lightweight! I only drank half the bottle and I’m already turning red. Damn these Asian genes! These Asian genes make me red when I drink. These Asian genes prevented me from growing past 5’7″. These Asian genes make everyone think I’m good at math. Maybe I should’ve ate something before I started drinking. I still don’t feel creative.

8:00 p.m. – Ugh. I drank the whole bottle and nothing. I wish I could channel the spirit of Hemingway. How did he do it? Maybe I should call my friend Ryan and ask him how he does it. No wait, he’s probably drunk right now and in his writing flow. Don’t want to mess with him because not only is he a creative drunk, he’s also an angry drunk.

8:10 p.m. – I’m just here waiting for the creative buzz to hit me, but I don’t even feel it coming. Shouldn’t the creativity be flowing like a river after the white blanket of snow melts? Shouldn’t the ideas be pouring out of me like iced tea from a clear glass pitcher on a hot summer day in August? Shouldn’t the words, sentences, and paragraphs be falling from the sky like rain in the spring?

8:11 p.m. – Oh man, I gotta pee.

Item: Heineken Premium Light
Price: FREE (12 ounces)
Purchased at: Given by Charlie at Hass MS&L
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: If you like Heineken, but are watching your girlish figure, this would be good for you. Tasted like a slightly watered down version of regular Heineken. Easy to drink. Low carbs. Low calories.
Cons: Alcohol does not equal creativity for me. My ability to turn red after drinking half a bottle of beer. I’m such a lightweight. Couldn’t write the GREATEST quasi-product review IN THE WORLD, not even a tribute.

37 thoughts to “REVIEW: Heineken Premium Light”

  1. First One Here! Glad you did a review. I checked this morning (7 eastern time) and LO! there was none.

  2. 1/2 a bottle and you are turning red? I can’t say that happens to me after a 6 pack of (regular) Heineken…although I can say that after about #3 I start peeing like a racehorse…every 10 minutes.

  3. Only one bottle huh? I have to say that alcohol never does anything for me creatively either- although one time on acid I thought I was writing THE GREATEST POEM ever, and the next day the only legible word on the paper was superman. Go figure.

  4. I like this stuff, but it is not the strongest stuff I’ve ever had. That being said, strong beer usually doesn’t make me creative, just sleepy. And having to pee.

  5. Just one beer? Darn. I think we all appreciate when you hump appliances..maybe next time..

    Next time maybe try an Olestra/toilet writing for the GREATEST quasi-product review IN THE WORLD. That just might be the trick

  6. No comments on the cool astronaut box it came in?? Geez, Marvo. I thought for sure you would’ve come up with a few creative uses for it. 😉

  7. Rylan – Um. Yeah. Sorry about that. Didn’t get creative until later on in the day. Damn you Heineken!

    Gia on Guam – I’ve never seen a racehorse pee. Because at the urinal stalls, I don’t want to be staring at the racehorse’s wang. That would be just rude and I would be jealous.

    Melis – I’m surprised that while on acid you didn’t think your poem was trying to eat you.

    Chuck – Reggae makes me sleepy.

    skibs – I’ve had it with Olestra/Olean, and so has my toilet.

    Mir – I didn’t expect the box. Heck, I didn’t expect ONE BEER. I expected a six-pack. That would’ve been a lot of fun…and a lot of peeing.

    Karen – Marvolocks and the Free Beer…There was only one beer and it wasn’t too cold or too hot. It was just right.

  8. Have you tried the violin? I’ve heard Asians are good at math AND the violin. Just cuz you couldn’t work that abacus doesn’t mean you couldn’t work them there strings. Every time my Japanese friend gets blotto on margaritas, he gets all red-faced AND moved to tears, but like you said he doesn’t feel anymore creative. Stick to gin I always say–fewer calories and more creative barfing.

  9. You already write the MOST AMAZING REVEIW BLOG ever, Marvo, so don’t worry.

    I know you can Pajiba do mutual advertising, so do you know what’s wrong with thier site? I can’t get it to load….

  10. I think your material was just too uninspiring. The only thing enough Heineken ever inspired me to do was get too friendly too fast and eat at Krystal’s.

  11. Ha ha!! You sound just like my Thai friend who turns red as a beet when he drinks. Marvo, today is my 21st bday and about one year since I started reading your reviews and I’m sooooo going to chug a Heineken Light for you!!! Any special requests for me to consume this weekend??

  12. Love the review, but light beers suck. Drinking and girlish figures just don’t go together.
    Oh, and the only real creativity I’ve seen people who are ‘tokin’ is whethetr they say Hey Duuuude or Hey Maaaaaan, and their choice of snack combinations.

  13. oh you are toooooooo modest. you DO write the greatest reviews, quasi or otherwise. and this one’s clever cuz it’s meta. (i’m on a meta kick.) it’s also good cuz i craved an analysis of this very-very hot item by someone whose opinion i could TRUST. (even a lightweight like yrself.) have you tried amstel light? that’s pretty decent; i’d be curious to see how it compares to that

  14. ANyone here ever got drunk off caffeine? I had 2 red bulls once and it happened but I can usually stomach 3.

  15. Domokun – Heck, I can’t even play an ukulele. I’m not good with things that have strings. Yo-yo…Nope. Yarn…Nope. String cheese…Nope.

    ~Moi~ – Pajiba apparently got shut down because of Homeland Security. Pajiba is up now and they have a full explanation. Although, Homeland Security still doesn’t.

    Wednesday – Well I guess light beer is sort of like movies starring John Travolta, some are good, like Pulp Fiction and some are really bad like, Battlefield Earth.

    Webmiztris – I believe if I tried weed, I would get hungry, buy a new product to eat and review, eat the entire thing, and then totally forget what I just ate.

    Derrick – Well, Happy Birthday Derrick! As for drinking recommendations, I suggest you NOT take six or seven shots of alcohol in an hour and then dance with one of your female friends, because you will probably end up puking behind the baseball stadium, near the stairwell that goes up to the dorms. Also, avoid any shots with the word “death” in its name.

    Barb – Hey maaaaan, it’s hard to pick out what snacks to snack on. It’s hard not to look at the shelf for five minutes, there are like sooooo many choices. Should I get the can of corn or the can of peas? Then I realize I’m in the wrong aisle because I can’t open cans anymore ever since I turned my automatic can opener into a bong.

    TG – I know you want nothing but the truthiness.

    Rylan – I once took two Vivarins and my hands couldn’t stop shaking for 12 hours. Does that count?

  16. I’m not sure about creativity, but.. I from what I remember and have heard, I am very fun person when intoxicated, albeit something I don’t do very often. Heineken is alright, not particularly my favorite.

  17. Rylan- Yea, I’ve had my caffiene experiences.. but only 2 Red Bulls? Bah.. that stuff is lightweight, right there. Down 3-4 monsters, and you’ll have an experience. Or, like before this one concert, when I downed 4 monsters, and just over half a bottle of No-Doze (I know, baaaad idea).. Even with my high tolerance for caffeine, I was… freakin out, just a bit. Talking faster than I could think, didn’t blink for a few hours.. was convinced my pockets were angry.. And on the way there I had stuck my head out the window and was yelling obscenities at pedestrians.. Yea. Maybe caffeine really IS bad for ya..

  18. 😡 hehehe. so you’re not good at math?

    all beer stink! and light beer is the worst!

  19. Derrick I find it incredibly hard to believe that you have not had a drink prior to your 21st birthday…even so…Congratulations. I second Marvo’s advice not to drink anything that had “death” in it’s name. After 3 Death Wishes…I really did wish for all the pain and agony that is life to end…Oh Guam’s drinking age is 18.

  20. dude, 5 foot 7 is fricken tall… you’re like 3 inches taller than me. You could dunk over me.

    …and I’m going to have to have a word w/ charlie about why he didn’t send ME any fricken free beer to review!

  21. nat – Drink it while playing Yahtzee. I dare you.

    Andy – Please don’t tell me Milwaukee’s Best is your favorite.

    Bleachedrukia – I’m not good at a lot of things…especially math and grammar.

    Gia on Guam – I think he should also avoid the 3 Wise Men. It’s definitely not wise to drink one.

    Bryan – I can only touch the backboard. In college, i could touch the rim. Asian people can’t jump.

  22. I don’t drink, so I guess the only comment I can make is EASY BUTTON! EASY BUTTON! EASY BUTTON!

  23. gko – Whoa…Take it easy, Easy Button.

    Gia on Guam – He should also stay away from moonshine and anything else that will cause blindness.

  24. Oh dear god no.. Gah. That’s like drinking Keystone. Or.. Keystone Light.. Eeesh.

  25. Andy – Yes, anything with the word “old” in it, can’t be good. If the TV show “Golden Girls” was called the “Old Girls,” no one would’ve watched it.

  26. Rylan, where exactly should Andy be? On Guam? In my office? In my shoes? Or in my pants?

  27. I somehow doubt Hemmingway was swilling light beer as his “inspiration.” Perhaps whiskey is what you seek. But I think your reviews are just fine without any libational inducements.

  28. Mellie Helen – I think you’re correct. I believe the saying goes, “Words don’t make writers, whiskey does.”

    Rylan – No, you.

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