REVIEW: Staples Easy Button

Staples Easy Button

(Editor’s Note: To get the full effect of today’s review, you must read it like you’re an evil scientist. Trust me, the review will be better.)

SUDOKU!!!

You taunt me with your numbers and blank boxes, making me spend hours trying to figure out your mysterious ways. The pressure of trying to solve you permeates from my body into my pencil’s eraser and then into weak newspaper paper, causing it to tear, along with my hopes and dreams of solving the mystery that is you.

You look so easy to do, but are difficult like William Faulkner novels and making women orgasm.

Despite all that time spent, I have yet to solve one of you, and you are now on my list of things I have yet to solve, which grows longer every year.

This list includes: the Rubik’s Cube, a 10,000 piece jigsaw puzzle of kittens, a crossword puzzle on the back of a Denny’s paper place mat, a word find puzzle on a Frosted Flakes box I opened in 1993, and the Da Vinci Code.

But I feel your days are numbered, Sudoku. For I have the key to unlocking your mysteries. It is the Staples Easy Button, which will make quick work of your numeric ways. For I have seen its power and it is magnificent.

Just by pressing the Staples Easy Button, entire offices have been cleaned, ink cartridges have fallen from the sky, and the Great Wall of China can instantly pop out of the ground.

It is as powerful as the fortune-telling Magic 8 Ball, which has accurately predicted on many occasions that I will not get laid.

It was difficult trying to find the elusive Staples Easy Button. For the Staples online store has been sold out for months. I thought, if only I had a Staples Easy Button to make it easier to find a Staples Easy Button. However, I ended up doing something much easier…eBay.

It was well worth the $4.75 plus $4.99 shipping to have the opportunity to see you unraveled, Sudoku. Now with one press of this Staples Easy Button, all your answers will be revealed!

(Presses Staples Easy Button)

“That was easy.”

What? Where are the answers?

(Presses Staples Easy Button again)

“That was easy.”

Why won’t you show me the answers, Staples Easy Button?

(Presses it again)

“That was easy.”

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

The Staples Easy Button doesn’t work!

You may have won this battle, but you have yet to win the war, Sudoku. I shall unlock your mysteries someday.

SUDOKU!!!

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Muneer for letting me know about the Staples Easy Button. If only it could truly make my life easier.)รขโ‚ฌยจ


Item: Staples Easy Button
Price: $4.75 (plus shipping)
Purchased at: eBay
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Says “That was easy” when button is pushed. Batteries included. Nice novelty item to have on your desk at work. Kittens. Frosted Flakes.
Cons: Totally ineffective in making things easy. It can’t even make Paris Hilton easier. Not available at Staples online store. Can easily annoy those around you if pressed too many times. My inability to solve a sudoku, figure out a Rubik’s Cube, put together a jigsaw puzzle, and make women orgasm. William Faulkner novels.

37 thoughts to “REVIEW: Staples Easy Button”

  1. Heh, Gia got it. I didn’t want to say it first.

    There are so many hidden meanings in Fatoyli’s comment, I don’t know where to start.

  2. I want one, even though it is little more than a glorified paper weight. I’m a sucker for pointless novelty items, I suppose.

  3. Sasha_Kitty – While we’re at it, screw crosswords and word jumble.

    Domokun – Awww, cute! Don’t masturbate or you may kill one.

    skibs – NO WHAMMIES, NO WHAMMIES, NO WHAMMIES…STOP!

    Wednesday – With toys that talk, I think the best thing to do is secretly take out the batteries and when your kid asks you why it doesn’t work anymore, tell them that the toy got tired of talking and is mad at them. Oh, I’d make a good father.

    Caray – I wish there was an easy button on my shirt and when a woman pressed it, it would say, “I’m easy.”

    Webmiztris – Or I could just sell it on eBay.

    Bryan – Orgasm by Faulkner.

    cybele – My typical eBay feedback: “Great price. Great shipping. Thank you.”

    Gwen – You know what you need. An Easy Button AND a sledgehammer.

    Lizzy – Yes, apparently all forms of energy are increasing in price. Gas…Increasing. AA batteries…Increasing.

    Gen – Well after they do that, you and your fellow students can stab them with your pencils.

    Muneer – Staples? I don’t need no stinkin’ Staples! I have Office Max AND Office Depot. They both have red in their logos. Sure, they don’t have an arena named after either of them, but that’s so overrated.

    Karen – Or I could rub Buddha’s belly.

    Grins – I don’t know if the button would appreciate all the saliva with all the practicing I would do with it.

    Mir – I know what the other thing would be…I can’t believe I just spent $1,000 to meet a quasi-product review blog editor.

    Gia on Guam & Muneer – You guys are such pervs…and that’s why I like you guys.

    Andy – It’s definitely better than a rock paper weight.

  4. lol…wipes tears….hyperventilates….
    sadly gia and muneer i’m just an innocent girl, not a gram of dirt in my mind….hihihi
    on the other side, you guys are bad, bad people with dirty minds!
    listerine for you!

  5. True. Seems like it would get annoying after a while, the “that was easy” bit. Heh.. the kitten thing was funny though. I know the feeling, I hate watching Bob Barker masturbate too.

  6. Karen, Barbara Eden might take umbrage to being called dead, because she isn’t. Marvo, this easy button seems like one of those trite office-culture annoyances, much like those “Hang in There” posters (speaking of kittens). Although it could be handy on a bedside table for those post-coital bragging rights!

  7. Man, my friend’s dad is president of Staples. You totally should have emailed me and asked for one and I would’ve gotten him to send it to you for free. That being said, perhaps this fancy smancy plastic button version is not the real deal, and you want the old school magnet button version? I could hook you up man.

  8. FatYoli – …and what’s wrong with a dirty mind? Clean is for countertops.

    Andy – Oh man, thanks for the image… ๐Ÿ™

    hair remover – Easy for the waxer, but hard on the waxee.

    Eryn – The only thing a button would say, if it were next to my bed, is “That was quick.” ๐Ÿ™

    Gia on Guam – A stick?

    Larry – Nah, that’s okay, I’ll just stick with my plain old plastic button, until the batteries die or until someone throws it against a wall because they’re totally annoyed with it.

    Gia on Guam – If you move to a large metropolitan area, I’m sure you will.

  9. The administrative assistant for our department just got one of these. Fun to play with. If it worked in real life I’d be taking it to use during training on days we have tests.

  10. Sudoku Game – With a name like Sudoku Game, you’d better like sudoku…and games.

    Gia on Guam – Like a shish kebob?

    Chuck – “Fun to play with…” Wait a few weeks, then we will see. ๐Ÿ™‚

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