Vanilla Mint Listerine

I can hear the cries from non-Listerine users who are afraid to use it.

“Wah! Wah! I can’t handle Listerine because it burns! I’m a little wuss, that can’t handle anything and I need my mommy to hold my hand, or else I’m going to cry like a little baby.”

“Oh, woe is me, I can handle the burn of vodka down my throat, the wailing of Michael Bolton in my ears, but I can’t handle Listerine in my mouth.”

When I was growing up, the kids on the playground had names for weaklings who couldn’t handle things like the burning sensation of Listerine. Those names included, “scaredy cat,” “the first one out in dodgeball,” “pussy,” and “Marvo.”

Sure, I didn’t like the burn of Listerine, but I sucked it up, grew some balls, and got used to it. That’s how it is with Listerine, people eventually get used to the pain. Although I will admit that this technique doesn’t work with everything, like watching Jay Leno.

Now thanks to the less intense Vanilla Mint Listerine, weaklings can use this Listerine to kill germs that cause bad breath, plaque, and the gum disease Gingivitis, without it feeling like they’ve just made out with Courtney Love’s cigarette or Courtney Love herself.

It maybe about 30% to 50% less intense than normal Listerine, but according to the bottle, it’s equally effective. However, it maybe equally effective factually, but personally, it doesn’t feel like it’s equally effective.

One of the great things about the original Listerine – and its various minty forms – was that intense burning sensation, which felt like it not only killed the germs that caused bad breath, but also a few tastebuds and saliva glands.

The burn is the indicator that lets you know it’s working. The more it burns, I feel the harder it’s working. Honestly, if you found yourself one morning next to a strobelight honey or a beer goggle prince, wouldn’t you want something that has the power to disinfect regret and get rid of the taste of whatever you put your mouth on and around.

I think only the full-burning sensation of Listerine, and its equally intense minty counterparts, could provide that type of cleansing. Oh, alcohol would work as well, but the danger of alcohol would be drinking too much of it, ending up in bed the next morning with another strobelight honey or beer goggle prince, and repeating the Circle of Shame.

The less intense Vanilla Mint Listerine was mintalicious, but not very vanillalicious. Its very light vanilla flavor made me wonder why Listerine bothered to put it there in the first place. The Crest Whitening Expressions Refreshing Vanilla Mint I reviewed was much more vanilly.

Anyway, the bottom line is that if you’re a wuss, then the Vanilla Mint Listerine is better for your weak ass mouth.

Item: Vanilla Mint Listerine
Purchased Price: $3.54 (8.5-ounces)
Purchased At: The-Superstore-Behemoth-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Mintalicious. Less intense for wusses. Kills germs that cause bad breath, plaque, and the gum disease Gingivitis.
Cons: Not vanillalicious. Not intense enough for extreme people. Making up adjectives. Always being the first one out in dodgeball. Strobelight honeys. Beer goggle princes. Circle of Shame.

33 thoughts to “Vanilla Mint Listerine”

  1. Listerine in any of its forms always seems to sear my taste buds. I want clean, fresh breath, not a naked, bud-less tongue. I’m with Daneris and will stick with the alcohol-free brand I use. Still minty fresh!

  2. TG – Sorry your comment didn’t get posted automatically. It got placed in moderation because it had more than two links. Anyway, it seems like vanilla has been the hot flavor for awhile. I guess vanilla isn’t so vanilla after all. Get it? Vanilla? Ha! I’m so lame.

    Gia on Guam – I said a hip hop a hippie to the hippie to the hip hip hop, you don’t stop a rockin to the bang bang boogy say upchuck the boogy,
    to the rhythm of the boogity beat. Um, I actually didn’t know the exact lyrics, so I had to Google it. You are the Rapper’s Delight lyrics queen. I bow down to you.

    Barb – Listerine Whitening needs something that doesn’t make my mouth foam like I have rabies.

    Daneris – I think drunk people invented Listerine. I think they were probably trying to make mint schnapps, but instead made Listerine. Thanks for the compliment.

    Mellie Helen – I heard that the alcohol in Listerine actually dries out the mouth, which in turn causes bad breath.

  3. the mouth lining does absorb alcohol, maybe that is why they put it in listerine… to make the whole experience less awful or at least a little bit blurry.
    sorry marvo, no girl scouts at least not the kind that sell things door to door, so no mint thins (are they some sort of fake after eight?) for me. still think the combination is gross.
    can’t wait to try the vanilla listerine though, but i might have to wait a couple of years until it is on the market here (netherlands, europe….. so called developed country ha!)

  4. I believe in my heart of hearts that anything even slightly vanilla-flavored would be antithetical to fighting the gum disease Gingivitis.

    I also believe Listerine commericals are the reason I can no longer eat ginger snaps without thinking of periodontal disorders.

  5. I’m a Listerine FreshBurst or CoolMint girl. Which means that I’m more man than you Marvo my love. Shoot, I eat Listerine pocket pack strips like candy. Mmmmm good.

  6. Strobelight honey, beer goggle prince? Only regular Listerine can get rid of those cooties!!! Great review.

    BTW, I bought two shirts from threadless – Why Did The Chicken Cross Abbey Road and Fall From Grace. I love the shirts they have – especially at $10 a pop!

  7. fatyoli – The mouth lining absorbs alcohol? Hmm…Maybe I should swish Listerine in my mouth for longer than 30 seconds.

    Mir – Doesn’t Gingivitis sound like a STD? Or is it just me?

    Domokun – Also, some guys who walk out of strip clubs, walk out with vanilla flavored shame, usually put there by Mandi, Candi, or Terri, and must be covered before they can go home back to their wives and girlfriends.

    Grins – You could probably kick my ass too. 🙁

    Gia on Guam – Oh, vinyl. They make wonderful frisbees.

    Karen – Listerine is like your kryptonite.

    Sasha_Kitty – Yay for supporting small internet businesses! Boo for strobelight honeys and beer goggle princes.

  8. If you’ve never tried Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookies, you haven’t lived, man! Actually, if you can get Keebler cookies at your local store, they have a variety called “Grasshoppers” that are identical to Girl Schout Thin Mints.

    It’s a cookie, coated in chocolate, and the whole thing is also mint flavored.

    I was a girl scout once….

  9. Caray – One time at Girl Scout camp…

    Webmiztris – Yes, I try to be edutainment, like Sesame Street or Wonder Showzen.

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