REVIEW: Ethos Water

I need to figure out which one of these four scenarios using Ethos Water would guarantee me a ticket into hell.

Scenario One – Visit a third-world country, like Ethiopia, and hold a wet t-shirt contest using hundreds of bottles of Ethos Water to wet the t-shirts in a village that has no clean drinking water.

Scenario Two – Make my way to Honduras, one of the poorest countries in the Americas, and have a car wash in a town that has very little drinking water and not many cars, using thousands of bottles of Ethos Water to rinse off the cars.

Scenario Three – Fly by helicopter to a remote African desert village that has no drinking water with a huge bathtub. Then fill the bathtub with Ethos Water, while also pouring bubble bath soap. Then I would soak in the bathtub for about one minute, occasional make “bubbles” of my own, and then dump the water onto the hot ground and watch it evaporate.

Scenario Four – Getting a bunch of my friends and giving each of them a Super Soaker. Then we’ll all drive to a little village in India without any clean drinking water and turn it into a Super Soaker battlefield, using Ethos Water as our ammo.

After reading this, some of you might be wishing that I do end up in hell and Lucifer sticks one of his horns up my ass for being so cruel to those thirsty people. But if you think about it, I don’t think any of these scenarios would get me a free pass into hell because with all the Ethos Water I would be purchasing, I would actually be helping those people get clean drinking water.

Yes, by wasting clean drinking water, I would be helping those people in third-world countries get clean drinking water. For each bottle of Ethos Water purchased, five cents will be donated towards the goal of contributing $10 million over the next five years to alleviate the world water crisis.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Holy cheap ass bastards, Marvo! Five whole frickin’ cents!

For something that retails for almost two dollars, you would think they could be a little more charitable. At five cents per bottle, they would have to sell 200 million bottles of Ethos Water to reach their $10 million goal.

If they donated ten cents per bottle, they would make a whole lot more to bring clean drinking water to many countries and still have enough for ONE My Super Sweet Sixteen party for some rich-ass spoiled bitch.

Two hundred million bottles may seem like a lot, but fortunately, Ethos Water is available at all Starbucks, which acquired Ethos Water in 2005.

As for the water itself, if I was a dehydrated child from a poor country, this Ethos Water would probably taste so damn good. But I’m a quasi-product review blog editor, and I think Ethos Water is just as refreshing as every other bottled water out there and tastes just like every other bottled water out there, except with a hint of good karma.

Five cents worth of good karma.

Item: Ethos Water
Price: $1.85
Purchased at: Cost Plus World Market
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Helps children get clean water. Bigger than usual bottle (approx. 24 ounces). Five cents of good karma. Refreshing for quasi-product review blog editors. Really refreshing for dehydrated children in poor countries.
Cons: Pricey compared with other bottled water. Only five cents of each bottle sold goes towards helping get clean drinking water. Tastes like every other bottled water.

32 thoughts to “REVIEW: Ethos Water”

  1. Nice review!I’m probably gonna start one of these up (obscene jokes a must) sometime soon.
    But anyway, yeah that 5 cents per bottle is like the 10 cents per Happy Meal thing aat McDonalds.

  2. Hey Marvo, I vote for scenario #1, personally. I still don’t understand exactly how bottled water has gotten so popular in recent years…although I am guilty of usually buying a jug myself for home use since my Texas tap water tastes kinda swampy.

  3. Um. How about I stick to tap water, and give a whole dollar to charity? My thirst is slaked, 20x as much money is donated, and I’m up a buck. 😉

  4. You’re already going to hell for all sorts of reasons not related to drinking ethical water. Be sure to stop by the ninth circle where I’ll be tending bar.

  5. I think you should rent a studio, hire Carmen Electra and have her give Jenna Jameson a sponge bath with the Ethos water. Then take the footage and air it on Al-Jazerra television. Proving once agian Americans are horrible people.

    PS. Donate to the blind.

    G out

  6. If you ponder the ethics of second-hand charitable donations, I don’t really think you’re hell material.

    And, domokun, it’s good to know there’ll be a bar once I’m there. But I’m betting it’s a cash bar, right?

  7. seriously, I cannot tell the difference between bottled waters either. I buy generic distilled water for about 50 cents a gallon and it’s just about all I drink besides milk (and assloads of beer on the weekends, of course) and it tastes fine to me!

  8. Five cents? What a crock of shit.

    Note to self: Start a bottled water company that gives 6 cents per bottle to charity…

  9. Wednesday: Of course! It wouldn’t be hell if it were an open bar. And I’m sure I’ll be out of everything except for Barfeater gin and Jester’s Blush wine. No mixers. You know how it is.

  10. It’d be cheaper to buy my cheap-ass $.15/bottle water at Wal-Mart than buy this stuff. And then the savings I could donate to unicef or something.

    And I had something else typed out too but Firefox crashed and I forgot it. 🙁

  11. I vote for Scenario Four!
    The people in Hell will at least be throwing better parties…..
    Except the hypocritical bible thumpers(who i’m sure will have their own circle in hell), they kill parties no matter where they go.

  12. I like the 24 ounces. It’s the perfect amount of water for my Crystal Light On The Go packets. The 1/2 liter bottles (or 20 oz for a lighter flavour) is still too concentrated for me.

  13. Rylan – I didn’t know McDonald’s did that with the Happy Meals. In the past, I usually avoided the Happy Meals because the puzzles on the box were too hard for me.

    skibs – But remember, if you don’t recycle the bottle, you’ll lose all five cents worth of karma.

    Chuck – So the water in cheese country was better? Also, a wet t-shirt contest in Ethiopia is not as sexy as you think.

    Mir – How about you stick with tap water, give a whole dollar to charity, and then give the other dollar to me? If I can get a million people to do this, I’ll be rich…I mean, I’ll get to donate all the money to my favorite charity…The Marvo Foundation.

    Domokun – There better be frickin’ vodka there or else hell is going to be hell. 🙂

    Gman – I think an episode of My Super Sweet Sixteen will also accomplish that, except with less erections.

    Wednesday – I’m not hell material? Excuse me, I’m going to go steal candy from a baby and then punch it in the face.

  14. Webmiztris – Too bad beer wasn’t 50 cents a gallon. We’d all be getting shitfaced EVERYDAY.

    thedvs01 – Oh yeah, I’m going to start a bottled water company that gives 7 cents per bottle, then start up another company that gives you 5 minute abs.

    Domokun – That is truly hell.

    Muneer – Or with the savings you could buy more cheap-ass 15 cent bottled water.

    Barb – I believe parties in hell play Nelly’s “Hot in Herre” all the frickin’ time.

    Rick Dobbs – It’s all part of Starbucks’ plan for world domination of coffee AND water. Muahaha. Muahaha.

    Gia on Guam – Here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean those small Crystal Light On The Go packets cost 45 cents at the convenience store down the street. How much do they cost on your rock in the Pacific Ocean?

  15. The water in cheese country was definitely better. But I also had one of those Pur faucet filters installed, which I haven’t done here yet.

    I suppose that wet t-shirt contest with starving people might be a little un-sexy, but you could offer a basket of food as the first prize, not allow anyone else to eat, and gluttonously stuff yourself while you judged the contest. That might make it fun.

  16. klew – That commercial is SOOO wrong, but SOOO right.

    Chuck – Yeah, you think Kate Moss is flat-chested…

  17. Upward of $6 per box of 14 packets. .45 x 14 = 6.30 Sounds about right…except I don’t pay additional sales tax na ner na ner na ner

  18. Gia on Guam – Oh yeah, eight percent tax in SF. How do you like dem apples? Oh wait, I don’t think there’s tax on food.

    DaDead – I think what really matters is where that wetness is.

  19. I’m already paying for my food in advance…it’s called tuition. The biggest plus to going to culinary school is the eats.

  20. Sugar – Hmm…Ethos is much more fun to say than virtue. It seems like a happier word than virtue.

  21. Karen – Maybe if there was less printed on the bottle, they could afford to give 10 cents instead of five.

  22. The name makes me think of pathos – like, Starbucks could start an offshoot that had a cool emo label and it could be Pathos water, and they could donate money to shoegazing teenagers or something.

  23. Oohh, that’s a good marketing idea! Perhaps I should pitch it to Hot Topic. Only I’d feel old and weird going in there, I think.

  24. Melanie – Here’s a good excuse to go in there: I’m look for something for my (insert younger relative here). But you should go in there for the t-shirts.

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