I need to figure out which one of these four scenarios using Ethos Water would guarantee me a ticket into hell.
Scenario One – Visit a third-world country, like Ethiopia, and hold a wet t-shirt contest using hundreds of bottles of Ethos Water to wet the t-shirts in a village that has no clean drinking water.
Scenario Two – Make my way to Honduras, one of the poorest countries in the Americas, and have a car wash in a town that has very little drinking water and not many cars, using thousands of bottles of Ethos Water to rinse off the cars.
Scenario Three – Fly by helicopter to a remote African desert village that has no drinking water with a huge bathtub. Then fill the bathtub with Ethos Water, while also pouring bubble bath soap. Then I would soak in the bathtub for about one minute, occasional make “bubbles” of my own, and then dump the water onto the hot ground and watch it evaporate.
Scenario Four – Getting a bunch of my friends and giving each of them a Super Soaker. Then we’ll all drive to a little village in India without any clean drinking water and turn it into a Super Soaker battlefield, using Ethos Water as our ammo.
After reading this, some of you might be wishing that I do end up in hell and Lucifer sticks one of his horns up my ass for being so cruel to those thirsty people. But if you think about it, I don’t think any of these scenarios would get me a free pass into hell because with all the Ethos Water I would be purchasing, I would actually be helping those people get clean drinking water.
Yes, by wasting clean drinking water, I would be helping those people in third-world countries get clean drinking water. For each bottle of Ethos Water purchased, five cents will be donated towards the goal of contributing $10 million over the next five years to alleviate the world water crisis.
Now I know what you’re thinking. Holy cheap ass bastards, Marvo! Five whole frickin’ cents!
For something that retails for almost two dollars, you would think they could be a little more charitable. At five cents per bottle, they would have to sell 200 million bottles of Ethos Water to reach their $10 million goal.
If they donated ten cents per bottle, they would make a whole lot more to bring clean drinking water to many countries and still have enough for ONE My Super Sweet Sixteen party for some rich-ass spoiled bitch.
Two hundred million bottles may seem like a lot, but fortunately, Ethos Water is available at all Starbucks, which acquired Ethos Water in 2005.
As for the water itself, if I was a dehydrated child from a poor country, this Ethos Water would probably taste so damn good. But I’m a quasi-product review blog editor, and I think Ethos Water is just as refreshing as every other bottled water out there and tastes just like every other bottled water out there, except with a hint of good karma.
Five cents worth of good karma.
Item: Ethos Water
Purchased at: Cost Plus World Market
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Helps children get clean water. Bigger than usual bottle (approx. 24 ounces). Five cents of good karma. Refreshing for quasi-product review blog editors. Really refreshing for dehydrated children in poor countries.
Cons: Pricey compared with other bottled water. Only five cents of each bottle sold goes towards helping get clean drinking water. Tastes like every other bottled water.