Ikea Skyar Lamp

Oh yeah, baby.

Now that I’ve got an Ikea Skyar Lamp in my room, it’s now the perfect place for making sweet, sweet love. The glow from the handmade paper lamp sets my mood and my room for love, baby. It’s the perfect lamp for making hot, passionate love, because it looks like an erection with a condom that’s way too big for it, hence the wrinkling. Its metal shaft and metal balls…I mean base will make sure it stands up all night.

The lamp has three sockets to insert bulbs in, which aren’t included in the box, but putting two of them in gives enough light to set the mood for lovin’ and enough darkness to hide my face, which helps prevent you from realizing that you’re making sweet, sweet love to me.

Turning on the lamp is as easy as turning me on, baby. The switch is on the electrical cord and it’s a big switch, which makes it easy to instantly turn off the lamp, just in case you don’t like seeing the hairy forests under my armpits or around my C-3PO and my two R2D2s when we get down to our Adam and Eve costumes.

With only me, you, and the glow from the Ikea Skyar Lamp, the first thing I would do is lay above you and lick your eyebrows, like I was a cat cleaning your fur. Awww, yeah. You know you like that. Then I would work my way down your beautiful face to your luscious nose, licking the tip of it. Don’t worry, baby. I brushed my teeth AND my tongue.

From there I would make my way south to your lovely lips, kissing them ever so gently and then licking them so that I can taste the flavor of your lipstick. Then I would passionately bite your lower lip, slowly pull it away from you, let it go, and then bark once like a dog.

By this point, I know you want me, but I’ll keep the anticipation high and make you want me even more.

After your lovely lips, I would gently caress your Mauna Kea and Mauna Loa, licking the observatories on each summit, making their telescopes extend. I’ll make sure that I spend an equal amount of time on each mountain, examining every inch with my famous French explorer, Captain Ton Gue.

Once Captain Ton Gue has spent enough time to create a topographic map of your mountain range, I’ll move down to find whatever treasures await me in that cave called the belly button…Unless it’s an outie.

In that situation, I’ll just head back north and spend a little more time in the mountain ranges, which will allow me to soak up more of the surrounding area, like the cleavage or armpits.

After exploring your belly button with Captain Ton Gue and removing whatever lint and dirt he collected on his uniform, I’ll move down to your Yosemite Valley. The first thing I would do there is admire your rock formations on both sides of the valley, then I’d clear some brush, if there is brush, and then I’d make my way inside your visitor’s center with Captain Ton Gue. While at your visitor’s center, I would also make sure to eat at your snack bar for 15 minutes or longer and try to make your earth quake.

Once I’ve had my fill, or once you’ve had your fill, I’ll let you do whatever you want with my big quill pen and two ink wells. I’ll just lay back and enjoy what comes to your mind. Hopefully, you don’t make my two ink wells spill before the real fun.

After that, if you’re ready, you can have me your way, just like Burger King. We’ll be all over each other like two wet towels in a dryer on high heat.

Then two or three minutes later, I’ll be done, which is the same amount of time it took for me to put the Ikea Skyar Lamp together.

Don’t worry, baby. I’m all about quality, not quantity.

Item: Ikea Skyar Lamp
Price: $9.99 (on sale)
Purchased at: Ikea
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Frickin’ cheap, but looks slightly expensive. One of the nicest looking things in my apartment. Easy and quick to put together. The lamps glow is perfect for setting the mood for sweet, sweet lovin’. Big ass light switch on power cord. Eating at the snack bar in your Yosemite Valley.
Cons: Bulbs not included and must use a special type of bulbs. My inability to last longer than two or three minutes while making sweet, sweet love. Shipping it back to this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

30 thoughts to “Ikea Skyar Lamp”

  1. That pic makes for an interesting scroll down. Lots of good reading before I even saw the pole

    Very nice lamp

  2. I’m ashamed. I’ve had the Skyar for maybe 6-7 years now, and I’ve never made sweet, sweet love near its warm glow. Just random hard core sweaty action, but not sweet, sweet love. My only hope is that you, the intended user, uses this Skyar to its utmost capabilities for all that yodeling in the canyon.

  3. I think that howling like a wolf might set the mood better than barking like a dog. Especially if the lamp cast a nice profile shadow on the wall when you threw your head back. Great review, Marvo, and glad you had fun in California.

  4. Only one Skylar at that price? What you need are TWO phallic-looking lamps casting soft glow across your room.

  5. Wait, what did you review again?? I lost track of the product you were reviewing shortly after you started!

    It’s hot in here, and no, its not the soup i’m eating for lunch.

  6. Do they not have any girls on your rock in the Pacific Ocean? That was way too steamy a review to be inspired by a cheap lamp.

  7. You are one sick puppy, Marvo. But I liked your review, being such an Ikea fan. But I have to say that those lamps look much sexier when they’re turned on.

  8. It was Barry White’s voice dictating that entire review to me…I need a ciggarette now.

  9. Wow, when I came here, I didn’t even read the title and just looked at the picture. For a second, I was really afraid of what you were going to review…lol

    Hilarious review, and I can’t believe you got it for only 10 bucks…

  10. skibs – You know, I really didn’t notice that about the pic, until I started scrolling up and down. Up and down. Up and down.

    Mir – Maybe it’s nausea? 🙁

    Domokun – One person’s sweet, sweet lovin’ is another person’s hardcore sweaty action, and visa versa.

    Chuck – Due to my hairiness, I think a wolf might’ve been a better choice.

    Gwen – Actually, I do have two of them, I just didn’t set the other one up yet and I don’t have any place to put it.

    Lord Jezo – I had the Swedish Meatballs, but there wasn’t a 99 cent plate. I got the smallest plate and it cost $4. However, they have a breakfast for $1.50.

    Melis – You’re probably sitting too close to the light.

    Webmiztris – Did it totally make you want to visit Yosemite Valley and eat at the snack bar?

    Gman – Then it would be the biggest tampon EVER and I would hate to meet the vagina it goes in.

  11. Ultimate Best Vamp Ever – I know. A lamp is like the most boring-est thing I could review. Heck, there were times when I totally forgot what I was writing about.

    Muneer – There’s a lot of stuff on that big rock. It’s like a quasi-product review blog editor’s dream.

    Wednesday – When you’re extremely lonely, anything will inspire a steamy review.

    Toni – At least you didn’t get caught reading naughty reviews at work. I think I’m just going to write nothing but naughty review and see if you get caught at work reading them. 😉

    Riri – But puppies are cute, and I sadly am not. 🙁

    Gia on Guam – Why couldn’t it be Marvo Gaye?

    DaDead – I didn’t know these reviews had that kind of effect on people. I would suggest Depends next time.

    jinhamasaki – I still can’t believe I got it for only 10 bucks. That’s like hobo-cheap.

  12. I bought one of those at IKEA. I brought it home and my asshole cat ripped it to shreds literally 10 minutes later. Paper shades are cool and all but if you have pets they’re a bad idea.

  13. Marvo Gaye? …

    You’re setting yourself up to be shot in the face by a family member…


    For all these women, who are getting hot over your reviews, to be shocked that you are not caressing the mountainous regions of a female.

  14. Hi, I’m Nat and I’m an IKEA-holic. I love their cool lamps and decor items, and even some of the furniture. That lamp is SOOO freakin’ cool! All you need is the girl now!!

  15. Gia on Guam – But I lack the afro, I sooo lack the afro.

    nat – Easier said than done. Maybe if I stepped out of my apartment every so often…

  16. Alena – The hard part about the lamp is trying to find the perfect place for it in my bedroom. I want some lumination, but not too much because it loses the mood.

  17. Karen – I wish it was made out of brass, but then it probably would’ve cost $14.99. 😉

  18. Sexy review, baby. Did you make any sweet, sweet love to the lamp? If not, maybe you should try it. You could get all kinky with the bulb…

  19. Melanie– Or I could get shocked or burned by the bulbs…Wait, that doesn’t sound half bad.

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