Kleenex Expressions Oval Collection

Despite my extremely macho exterior, I’m not afraid to admit that sometimes I feel like crying.

I’m not talking about a tear drop falling down my cheek, like I’m a Native American in a littering commercial or I’m listening to emo rock. I’m also not talking about my eyes getting watery like I have allergies or because I just got roshamboed in the balls.

I’m talking about full on bawling, like I would if a girlfriend broke up with me or I was being hunted down by the Predator or a chihuahua puppy that likes to bite ankles. I would also intensely cry if I were strapped to a chair and forced to either watch the direct-to-video Bring It On: All or Nothing or be given a lap dance by an oiled down Sally Struthers in a G-string.

I wasn’t always like this. Before, I was a manly man with a manly hairy chest and would only cry when my favorite sports teams won a championship.

However, I have grown a sensitive side, thanks to the 1990s Ralph Tresvant song “Sensitivity,” which taught me that women like men with a sensitive side and I need to be someone who can love you, someone who will need you, someone who will treat you right (like me girl), someone who will hold you tight, and someone stable in your life (ah baby).

Now I’m still a rough and rugged man on the outside, but on the inside I’m a fragile Precious Moments porcelain doll and I think I’m getting worse.

For example, the other day, I was watching the Karate Kid. During the final scene when Daniel-san goes into the Crane Technique and then strikes that asshole Johnny in the face, I started frickin’ bawling right after the crowd started cheering Daniel-san’s victory.

Whenever I feel a good cry coming on, I get the box of Kleenex ready. If there isn’t a box of Kleenex around, I’ll use a t-shirt sleeve, mine or someone else’s, or a pants leg or I’ll just let it drip dry.

The problem with Kleenex boxes is the fact that they’re so rigid and the floral designs on them make me even sadder because they remind me of funerals. So when I saw these Kleenex Expressions Oval Collection boxes with their sparkly bright colors and pleasing rounded shape, I was ecstatic. I was so thrilled that I started to cry a little in the store out of pure joy and had to rip open the box that’s pictured above.

It was like the Kleenex box got a makeover from the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy dudes. I think the changes to the boxes are not only pretty, but they’re practical as well. The box’s curved body makes it ideal to hug, because whenever I cry, I need to hug something. A normal rectangular Kleenex box is like your aunt who wears wayyyy too much Avon rose scented perfume, you just feel uncomfortable hugging them.

I think it’s nice that Kleenex is modernizing their boxes, but the pretty graphics and hugability doesn’t quite make up for the fact that the Kleenex Expressions Oval Collection boxes are slightly more expensive than a normal Kleenex box. To me, price does matter because I cry a lot and go through many Kleenex boxes, especially whenever I watch Beaches.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take my Kleenex Expressions Oval Collection box and go listen to some Dashboard Confessional.

Item: Kleenex Expressions Oval Collection
Price: $2.99
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: It’s Kleenex. Pretty shiny graphics. Box shape is perfect for hugging, when you need something to hold. The Crane Technique. Mr. Miyagi. A good cry.
Cons: Pricey for a box of Kleenex. My fragile Precious Moments porcelain doll interior. A Sally Struthers lap dance. Rectangular, rigid Kleenex boxes. Chihuahua puppies.

27 thoughts to “Kleenex Expressions Oval Collection”

  1. Sally Struthers in a g-string would make any grown man cry. (shudders)

    By the way, I think you meant to say “bawling” and not “balling” when talking about “The Karate Kid” movie. When I first saw the word “balling” I was like, all right! Marvo is getting some action! Oh, wait…

  2. But how could you look at those groovy colors and still feel like crying?

    Those Kleenex boxes are just too hip for me. I’ll stick with the old granny floral style. And cry with quiet dignity.

  3. only a real man can admit he crys his eyes out at the movie of “Karate Kid”. so u really are a real man. congratz :D…but u can also be a real man by cutting off traffic at a yellow light before it changes to red..but thats wat i heard from a dear friend of mine. so yea. good reveiw 🙂


  4. Wow, guys are weird. My boyfriend cries when he watches “The Karate Kid” too. And “Shakespeare in Love,” which I, a lit major, found interminably dull and boring. Who knew you all were so sensitive, and *I* am the one who wants to suck down alcoholic beverages and watch sports all day.

    Marvo, are you really old enough to remember that Native American/crying/littering commercial?

  5. Marvo, you rule. I remember seeing that old Native American guy, and thinking he looked scary with that one tear. And the “Sensitivity” song takes me back to the days of Keds and stonewashed jeans. Good times.

    I like the rounded shape of the box, but not that design; it’s a bit too psychedelic for me. If they have one in polka dot, I’ll get it.

  6. i like that the ordinarily-grammatically-perfect marvo spelled “bawling” “balling”. since it occurs right next to the mention of the girlfriend, i’m gonna guess it’s a little freudian moment.
    (i also like that you got 173 birthday wishes! you rock!)

  7. The cylinder has less surface area than a quadrilateral with the same width/diameter, so the round box is a sound financial move (less cardboard, less raw material to buy). This concludes today’s lesson.

  8. I cried at the end of Gladiator! It was so sudden and unexpected, too. I hardly ever cry, but all of a sudden the waterworks were going!
    Sad, Huh?

  9. I cry at the end of every Impulsive Buy review because it means it’s the end… and who knows how long i’ll have to wait for the next one?

    Nice Kleenex. I like a good tissue box, and a good cry.

    “Boys Don’t Cry” – haven’t seen that yet. Have you?

  10. My hubby gets all choked up when watching movies, he always tries to hide the fact. Maybe I should buy these Kleenex and strategically place them around the room so he can better hide his tears………

  11. Nice looking box. I wonder how much price they could tack on if lotion is added, like Puffs Plus..I need lotion in my tissues!

  12. Three bucks for a box of tear wipes, that a gallon of gas, you could run over lots of chihuahu’s in your SUV for that. And the only time a real man should cry was when Darth Vader died

  13. Marvo, there is a name for men who have a tender, caring, romantic, loving side to their personalities. They are called . . .. ready for it?. . . ROMANTIC HEROES!!!!!!!!!!

  14. Chuck – Unless the grown man was blind, then he might think that Jabba is real.

    Wednesday – But the pointy points of the box poke and hurt.

    B-rad – I didn’t not cry at all during Karate Kid 2.

    Kiki – Actually, I don’t remember watching it as a kid, but I do remember watching it during some show about the Greatest Commercials Ever. Also, I bet you cried when the White Sox won last year.

    Peachy – I forgot all the names of the guys in New Edition.

    Lil’E – You’re welcome, as always! 🙂

    Brie – Actually, I remember reading an article about that commercial and I believe the Native American guy isn’t Native American.

    TG – Yeah, I miss balling.

    klew – That lesson was brought to you buy the letters: S, M, A, R, and T.

    Webmiztris – That other need for a tissue really depends where in or on a woman wants it. 😉

  15. derekthered – I think I once cried at the end of Anchorman.

    calvin – If homeless people can live in cardboard, it must be okay to squeeze.

    K – Sorry, didn’t watch “Boys Don’t Cry,” but I did watch “The Crying Game,” Kind of close, right?

    Barb – Or you need to tell him to suck it up. 😉

    Peachy The First (I think) – Or you could use up the tissues by…(explicit explanation not suitable for posting). You could totally do that?

    Lucy – You know, I’m such a bad quasi product review blog editor because I forgot to check on the tear away part I threw away.

    skibs – I need tissues that have microscopic hooks in the fibers that make it easier to get those hard to reach boogers.

    db cooper – What about when Yoda dies. That’s pretty sad too, with the depressing slowed down Jon Williams music in the background.

    Sparkina – Or they’re also called guys with great personalities, but nothing else. 🙂

  16. I did *not* cry when the White Sox won last year, Marvo. But I did get wildly drunk and call everyone I know, regardless of what time zone they live in.

  17. Kiki – Did you flash anyone? 😉

    grins – Well, my Kleenex can beat up your toilet paper.

  18. As for the flashing, that’s for me to know and you to find out! But I will admit that I offered sundry sexual favors to the White Sox shortstop, until I realized he was on TV and not actually in my living room. Stupid Bombay Sapphire gin.

  19. Kiki – I didn’t know Bombay Sapphire gin can make the tv go 3D.

    K – It was a bizarre movie when I watched in the ninth grade.

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