REVIEW: Eclipse Spearmint Gum BigEPak

(Editor’s Note: Please do not attempt this at home. I am a professional stupid person. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for any accidents, injuries, deaths, or gum in hair due to attempting this stupid act.)

You would think that after deep throating a banana for a review, I would be able to easily stick in my mouth the sixty pieces of gum in an Eclipse Spearmint Gum BigEPack. Unfortunately, it wasn’t easy.

I also thought it would be easy to do because chewing on sixty pieces of gum is as impressive as anything David Blaine has done. Actually, the chewing of sixty pieces of gum at one time is probably more impressive than anything he’s done.

Originally, I thought I would pop a piece of gum into my mouth one by one each minute like I was Rush Limbaugh with painkillers. Unfortunately, after ten minutes of popping gum into my mouth, I wasn’t feeling very well.

I spit out the ten pieces of chewed gum and drank some water. The cool liquid surprisingly burned my throat a little. I think the excessive minty flavor of all that gum was probably the reason for that. My slightly burnt throat kind of freaked me out, but at the same time I knew my breath was extremely minty fresh and I wished I had a beautiful woman to make out with…as long as she didn’t try to stick her tongue down my throat, because that might burn a little.

Instead, I had to settle for my pillow.

Giving up my quest to chew an entire container of the Eclipse Spearmint Gum BigEPak was something that crossed my mind, but I’m not a quitter. I may be a wuss, I may own a pink striped shirt, I may not have had the balls to ask out the hot girl at work out on a date until it was too late because I didn’t want to be the rebound guy, and I may listen to Harry Connick Jr., but I’m not a quitter.

The following night, I decided to finish the rest of the gum, but took a different approach. Instead of popping one piece after another, I decided to chew five at a time. Then when it’s well chewed I would place it in a bowl to chew on later, then put five more pieces of gum into my mouth. I would repeat the process until all the gum was gone.

But even this process was like I was running in a marathon, I may be in pain and I really want to stop, but it’ll be so sweet when I cross the finish line. Actually, I have no idea what it’s like to run a marathon, half-marathon, quarter-marathon, or even make a run for the border for Taco Bell.

Eventually, I was able to get through all fifty pieces and form a giant wad of gum, which you can see in the picture above. The wad was roughly the size of my iPod nano, but I was able to stick the whole thing in my mouth. With so much gum, I couldn’t blow bubbles with it, but since it was so large, there was enough gum to form objects and I could’ve made a holiday claymation special with the sticky and slimy Play-Doh-like substance.

While chewing on the huge wad and thinking of what my chewing gum claymation special would be about, all the minty goodness from the gum made me nauseous so I spit it out and threw it away. Or the nauseous feeling could’ve been from all of those pictures of Britney’s crotch I was viewing while chewing the gum.

Item: Eclipse Spearmint Gum BigEPak
Price: $3.99
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: 60 pieces of gum. Freshens breath. Cheaper than buying five packs of regular Eclipse gum to get sixty pieces. Big wad of gum is hard to blow bubbles with. A claymation special using chewing gum.
Cons: Chewing 50 pieces of gum at one time. The burning sensation while drinking water that was caused by the excessive minty flavor of the gum. Seeing Britney’s hoo hah way too many times. Big wad of gum is hard to blow bubbles with. Making out with my pillow.

32 thoughts to “REVIEW: Eclipse Spearmint Gum BigEPak”

  1. I look forward to seeing Marvo’s gum-mation Christmas special. Guaranteed to be the scariest, most twisted Christmas special ever! (probably even worse than the Woodland Critter Christmas episode of South Park!) 😀

  2. Would Britney’s hoohah be involved in the gummation spectacular? If no, then I’d watch – I would recommend Big Red for the gummation Santa. And Rudolph’s gummy nose.

  3. I have issues with gum, this whole review has just creeped me out………
    Although that may have been the possible mental horror of that last link kicking in too.

  4. I tried chewing a lot of gum recently (but not 60 pieces) and my jaw was really sore the next day. Guess you have to work on your mastication skills before attacking a large wad.

  5. Eclipse is a pretty powerful gum, Marvo. You’d probably have that same nauseous feeling if you did the same thing with a bunch of Altoids.

    You must have taken a sculpture class, because those gum moldings are pretty good. Except for the first one. What is that, a deer hoof? Or a camel toe?

  6. Well done sir. Well done. I salute you and your nano-sized wad of vaguely animal-shaped gum.

    20 is a great album, I still listen to it all the time. I didn’t get into Harry’s big band stuff though. Did any of his later albbums get back to a straight-up jazz–piano, vocals, maybe a trio or something–style?

  7. I’m with Rhawb. After those pictures I was SURE this was going to end with “Oh no, Mr. Marvo!” (I just had a terrible thought. Are you too young to remember Mr. Bill?)

  8. So an iPod Nano is now an official unit of measure? Cool!

    Does that stuff have Xylitol in it? I think you can get Xylitol poisoning. Dogs die from eating sugar-free gum and candy.

  9. Oh Marvo, I have no idea what possessed you to try and chew 60 pieces of gum at the same time.I do like your gum figurine though. Very cute! What shall you name him?

  10. Maybe you could revive Gumby and Pokey with that stuff. Either that, or you could just smash the entire wad on the underside of some greasy spoon coffee shop dining table and let it get stuck in the pig-tails of the next customer’s 6 year-old daughter.

    I’m just saying…

  11. You just made my day. “Mint tingle” condoms sound funny. Love the gum sculptures, but at the same time, I’m a little worried about you…

  12. Rhawb – Sorry, not enough gum. Also, not enough blood to out do the Woodland Critter Christmas.

    Clevegal42 – If Britney’s hoohah is involved, Big Red will also need to be used for that.

    Barb – At least I didn’t use a link that didn’t have Britney’s hoohah censored.

    Chuck – Oh, you said mastication. My bad.

    Brie – Nah, that first one was just a wad of gum.

    Muneer – Yup!

    Ace N. – Sad and pathetic, isn’t it?

    L’il E – 20? I think Red Light Blue Light is a better album.

    Mir – He was the clay dude in the pizza commercials, right? Only kidding. I know Mr. Bill of SNL.

    Webmiztris – I could’ve sold it. I’m sure I would’ve gotten more if it had an image of the Virgin Mary.

    Wednesday – No, xylitol, but if I died that would’ve been pretty embarrassing.

    Dove – Thanks 🙂

  13. Ern – Or totally messed up.

    twisted dog – It likes you too.

    Toni – I shall call it Doggum! I know it’s a lame name.

    Ted – Corrected. Thanks, Ted! I’m going to go burn my English degree right now. 🙂 At least I didn’t get “your” and “you’re” mixed up.

    Kevin – I’d have to find green gum and brown gum. Green gum is easy. Brown gum is hard.

    jenn – I also kick ass in the entertainment and sports categories in Trivial Pursuit. Also, in the game of Life, I always seem to end up as a doctor.

    Melanie – I think they might’ve been a little more awesome if I tried to make them anatomically correct. 😉

    Luck O’ the Irish – Okay, that might explain the gas.

    Chase – I’m going to guess that I wasn’t even close.

    MCW – Darling, I don’t know why, but I got a review out of it.

    threechordme – Oops, my bad. I moved it.

    runswithsoda – I worry about myself sometimes.

  14. Awesome, thanks, I’ll check it out. I never picked up any of his albums after We Are In Love, I really didn’t like that one at all.

  15. Heather Feather – You know what? She would probably like it because she will know that I made it with love…and that I’m a cheap bastard.

  16. I like the dog you made. You’re so funny! At least your breath smelled good when you made out with your pillow hehe.

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