Jones Soda 2006 Dessert Pack

(Editor’s Note: If you’re a fan of clowns, have many wonderful childhood memories with clowns, your mother or father was a clown, or you’re a clown, I’d suggest you skip this review. Why? Oh, there’s, um, no particular reason, but just skip it.)

Whether it be the creepy Ronald McDonald, eerie Bozo the Clown, disturbing Homey the Clown, frightening Pennywise, or the threatening Krusty the Clown, I believe all of them can be taken out with any of the flavors in the Jones Soda 2006 Dessert Pack.

Now when I say “taken out,” I don’t mean it as “taking out the trash.” I mean “taken out” as in “I’m taking out that creepy clown, I’m going to make it wish it didn’t put on that red ball nose today. It’s gonna try to make me laugh? Well I’m gonna try to make it cry.”

Why do I want to get rid of clowns? That’s my business, not yours, but let me just say this, if it were up to me, Grimace would be the top spokesperson for McDonald’s. Besides, clowns don’t make me laugh, they make me cry, like shopping mall Santas and the words “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

The excessive makeup they wear doesn’t make clowns look fun, it makes them look evil and up to no good, like Tammy Faye Bakker and Rupaul. Just thinking about the makeup on those two give me the shivers. I think the only reason why someone would wear that much makeup is because they’re hiding something. In Tammy Faye’s instance, it was her ex-husband’s illegal activities. InRupaul’s case, it’s a penis.

Also, what’s up with those big shoes? Just like the Big Bad Wolf’s big mouth is better to eat Little Red Riding Hood with, a clown’s big shoes make it easier for them to stomp on my toes or kick me in the balls.

Clowns may have those big shoes and scary makeup, but I’ve got the five flavors from the Jones Soda 2006 Dessert Pack that each come in a hard glass bottle. There’s a flavor for almost every clown wig color. The Apple Pie Soda can put a world of hurt on those clowns with orangeish hair, the Banana Cream Pie Soda can beat down those clowns with yellow hair, the Blueberry Pie Soda can knock out those with blue hair, the Cherry Pie Soda can kick the crap out of the clowns with red hair, and the Key Lime Pie Soda can open a can of whoopass on clowns with green hair.

For those clowns that wear a rainbow-colored wig? Let’s just say, I feel sorry for them and they should wear a rainbow-colored helmet as well.

So how would I go about taking out clowns with the Jones Soda 2006 Dessert Pack? It’s easy. Just ask them if they want a pie in their face. They’re clowns, they love having pies thrown at their faces, because that’s their shtick. So when they’re ready for a pie in the face, I’ll give them a pie in the face — a pie-flavored soda from the Jones Soda 2006 Dessert Pack.

The first flavor I tried was the Cherry Pie Soda. It had a sweet and slightly tart cherry flavor and I could also taste Jones Soda’s attempt to include the crust flavor along with it, all of which formed a pretty decent flavor. The red color of the Cherry Pie Soda also blends in well with the clown’s red ball nose — and the blood dripping from it after breaking the clown’s real nose.

The next flavor I tried was the Banana Cream Pie Soda, which I thought would turn out to be the best, but instead was my least favorite. It smelled banana-ish and it initially tasted banana-ish, but after that it tasted kind of buttery, which turned me off to it. However, if you like Jelly Belly buttered popcorn jellybeans, you’d probably like the buttery taste. The Banana Cream Soda itself may not be good taste-wise, but I imagine it would be good at smearing a clown’s makeup.

After taking the first swig from the Apple Pie Soda, I thought its flavor was very familiar and I tried to figure out what it tasted like. While I thought about that, I also tried to figure out how many clown orifices the neck of the Jones Soda bottle would fit into. The answer was five, but possibly seven, and I also realized that the Apple Pie Soda tasted very similar to the cinnamon-flavored Big Red gum.

The Blueberry Pie Soda was probably one my favorite flavors, along with the Cherry Pie Soda. If you’ve had blueberry yogurt, you will know what this soda tastes like. If you’ve had blueberry yogurt, are a clown, and I get my hands on you, blueberry yogurt will never taste the same again and it will haunt your dreams.

I saved the final flavor, Key Lime Pie, for last because I’m not a big fan of this type of pie, but its slightly sour, citrus flavor was surprisingly good, and kind of reminded me of lime Jello. I believe the bottle for the Key Lime Pie Soda is also surprisingly good — as a deadly weapon when cracked against clowns.

Jones Soda also comes out with a yearly Holiday Pack which consists of horrible soda flavors like Turkey and Gravy and Corn on the Cob. Sure I could probably do the same damage to clowns with the Jones Soda Holiday Pack and its horrible taste would add insult to injury, but with the Jones Soda 2006 Dessert Pack it would just bring sweet, sweet injury to clowns and that’s good enough for me to make up for all the crying they made me do.

Item: Jones Soda 2006 Dessert Pack
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Given as a birthday gift from friend Erin
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Cherry Pie and Blueberry Pie Soda Flavors. Key Lime Pie Soda was surprisingly good. Wayyyy better than the horrible tasting Jones Soda Holiday Pack. Taking out clowns.
Cons: Clowns! Clowns! Clowns! Banana Cream Pie Soda had a buttery flavor. Use of High Fructose Corn Syrup. Excessive makeup.

17 thoughts to “Jones Soda 2006 Dessert Pack”

  1. First! Hehe 😉

    Man, I hate clowns, and so do my parents. As my dad said once, you can’t trust them under all that makeup. Remember, John Wayne Gacy was a clown.

    I was playing Dead Rising recently, and I had to fight a psychotic chainsaw-wielding clown. You can’t imagine how satisfying it was to see his horrifying death in the ensuing cutscene after defeating him.

  2. Toni – Second! I don’t trust Ronald McDonald, but I do like his $1 double cheeseburger — even if it’s slowly killing me.

  3. Serial killer John Wayne Gacy used to perform as a clown at various charity events. One of his nicknames, once he was caught, was “The Killer Clown.” He was of course ultimately executed, but not through the use of Jones Soda.

  4. I tried to figure out how many orifices you could cram a Jones soda bottle into, but the most I can come up with is 6 (counting each nostril as an individual orifice). What’s the 7th (unless it’s what I think it is)?

  5. I’m so glad to know they make dessert flavors; the turkey dinner pack scares me every time I see it at Target.

    But… no mixing? It could’ve been a clown orgy smackdown up in there!

    (Happy new year, Marvo!)

  6. I lost a bet once and had to try their turkey and gravy flavor (bleh……….) I am happy to see that they have come up with better flavors.

    Clowns are evil, I believe that for every one person that became a clown to entertain children, there are four others that delight in scaring the sh*t out of small childen and have found their niche in life. Death to clowns.

  7. I just realized that the Jones Soda review from last year was how I found this site. At least this time there’s no Salmon Pate soda (***shuddder***).

  8. [whispering this confession] I’m totally scared of clowns, and balloons. Especially balloons. But also clowns. They make me want to throw myself into the arms of the nearest man. You can imagine how much trouble I get into at children’s birthday parties, during parades and at the local McDonalds. You don’t want to know what trouble happens at children’s birthday parties AT McDonalds. They don’t let me eat there anymore. [whispering even lower] When I was a kid, Ronald McDonald came up to me and told me I was a member of the “special secret redheads club.” Then my dad punched that SOB. Hey, maybe that’s why I can’t eat there anymore…

  9. Clowns do have some weird frightening power. For me, it’s those bizarre painted on smiles. They just never stop grinning at you. That’s just creepy. They look like dolls on crack.
    Although I do have fond memories of Bozo. Maybe because I saw him and his friend Cookie every Sunday and they were quite friendly. But screw the rest of ’em.

    I have to say Erika, your dad’s pretty cool. That big footed bastard had it coming. 😉

  10. Chuck – Mmm…lethal injections.

    Zadillo – There’s one more. Use your imagination. 🙂

    Mir – Happy New Year, Mir! No mixing, except with alcohol.

    Webmiztris – If I found the 2006 version of the Holiday Pack, I probably would’ve reviewed it. It has an antacid flavor.

    Barb – I like to think the same of mall Santas.

    Panthosette – Thank you. Although it was a couple of months ago.

    ultradave – Oh, the HORROR! THE HORROR!

    Erika – Why are you afraid of balloons?

    DJ At Work – Gingerbread men also scare me.

    Brie – I’m surprised Grimace didn’t step in, because Grimace is one big bad mutha.

  11. The balloon fear came about following a very agressive game of balloon volleyball in which I went up to spike the balloon for the win and a member of the opposing team went to block at the same time…End result – I broke my ring finger. It took the ER doc at least 5 minutes to stop laughing.

  12. I did the H(oliday)P(ack) 2006 challenge with my friends on New Years. I think we mistakenly drank them very chilled because nothing really tasted as it should. I think they switched up the Turkey and Gravy if it didn’t make Marvo ralph last year, because it sure had that effect on me this year. But the Anti-acid (Pepto) flavor was spot on. Imagine pepto mixed with club soda. Overall, I think the HP was $10 well invested.

    Oh, and on the clown note, the vampire clown that made me cry in a haunted house when I was 5 should die, and Stephen King’s It just put on TV what everyone has been thinking for years.

  13. i had the 2006 holiday pack, and it wasnt all that bad:
    hot buttered rolls tasted like pop corn
    antiacid tasted like bubble gum
    pea soup tasted like perfume and dog food
    turkey dinner tasted like a broth cube
    sweet potato tasted like maple syrup and sweet potatoes

    it was not as nearly as bad as i thought it would be

  14. Erika – How about blown up condoms? 🙂

    Mad Cow – Oh, if only you could go back in time with a hatchet or pepper spray.

    stephanie – I think the pea soup one probably would’ve made me puke.

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