Libby’s Zesty Barbecue Vienna Sausage

I’ve always been told that one of the most important things one can do in life is make a good first impression. Unfortunately, I tend to ignore people I deem stupid so most advice goes way over my head. I once took a girl out on a first date and audibly complained that getting another slice of cheese on my burger costs an extra 30 cents. Later on, I mused about “really thinking about buying war bonds” and “striking it rich with Pog collecting.” After I finished explaining that “I’m not a stalker,” she seemed visibly disgusted.

Oh, the witty thought bubbles Blind Date would’ve put over our heads!

Alas, it was not meant to be.

But something I’ve learned from television is that no matter how badly you screw up, you can always dye your hair and move to a different state. This is why back in the 90’s I looked like an Asian Dennis Rodman. Not exactly a pretty sight, but that’s the sacrifice I had to make. All of that’s in the past and now I’m here with all you fine folks reviewing everything America has to offer: the good, the bad, and the Libby’s Zesty Barbecue Vienna Sausages.

Vienna sausages never made a good first impression with me. They were limp, soft, and devoid of any flavor except for perhaps urine and pig intestines. Looking like flaccid hot dogs didn’t help their case either. The fact that they even call it a Vienna sausage is obscene. It’s like inventing a “Luxembourg Sandwich” and making it with bologna and chicken gravy. Granted, that sounds absolutely delicious, but it doesn’t make it accurate.

Vienna is supposed to be a city rich with culture, history, and from what I gathered from the movie Hostel, hot and easy Euro chicks. These sausages have none of that.

Actually, I might be shortchanging them a bit — they might contain Euro chicks, since they’re already made with chicken, beef, and pork. Throw in some tuna and they could make a formidable basketball team down at the local YMCA.

Vienna sausages are life’s “fuck you” waiting in the cabinet when you’re hung over and depressed; heart welling with anguish after a long night of binge drinking because you’re wondering why Gordon Ramsey has to be so darn mean on Hell’s Kitchen. All you have left after that are these crimes against nature, which are mysteriously cheaper than cat food and come in disturbingly similar packaging. I’m not one to turn down a good can of Fancy Feast, but it’s not exactly something I’m proud of. There is a saving light, however! The sausages now come with a zesty barbecue sauce.

The makers of the sausage would like to believe that the addition of an awful sauce would make their product suitable for human consumption. My rebuttal would be a Lex Luthor-style WROOOONG!!!

Damn, where do I start?

The sausages have a distinct metallic aftertaste. I’m not sure if this is because they’ve been in a can since the first world war, but it is not exactly pleasing to the palette. The barbecue sauce is just regular Vienna sausage sauce mixed with some ketchup and brown sugar. It makes for a viscous disaster of a condiment. I tried them on a hot dog bun and barely got through two bites. I wouldn’t even feed it to my worst enemy, for I fear that upon consumption he would be stricken with so much rage that I would be immediately eviscerated.

Maybe it was stupidity or maybe it was morbid curiosity, but I was drawn to these things. For that, I am ashamed. I hope Libby’s enjoy their 48 cents, because it is safe to say that I will not be making this purchase again unless I am attempting suicide and need some extra incentive.

Item: Libby’s Zesty Barbecue Vienna Sausage
Price: 48 cents
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: Knowing that the production of this stuff at least gives people jobs.
Cons: Barbecue sauce on a god damn vienna sausage. Distinct metallic aftertaste. Complaining about the price of cheese on dates. Look like flaccid hot dogs. An Asian Dennis Rodman. Gordon Ramsey’s temper.

29 thoughts to “Libby’s Zesty Barbecue Vienna Sausage”

  1. Are they still packed in like sardines? My dad likes Vienna sauasages (and that wonderfully self described product Potted Meat), or do they skimp on the sausages because now they are blessing you with barbecue sauce?

    And actually, I think the hot dogs in spaghettios are actually Vienna sauasages…which makes me not a huge fan of spaghettios with hot dogs. I mean, seriously – they looking like the remains of an industrial accident involving some sort of cutter, a faulty off switch and a hungover employee named Dave.

  2. Okay, you got a Gordon Ramsey bit in there, and you’re almost as incompetent with the ladies as Marvo. Just more shame.

    Good job on the picture, too. Looks just how I’d think the product would look coming right back up.

    You can stay. Hope Marvo doesn’t make you stay up too late with the collating and the paper punching and the hey now now and the glaven.

  3. my husband actually likes vienna sausages. UGH! they’re so nasty! for 48 cents I’d stick with Ramen noodles. At least you know what you’re getting with Ramen noodles. Kinda.

  4. Those things should be called Bobbit dogs. They look like they were cut from husbands by angry wives.

  5. I’m just surprised that ANY canned meat product has a following of eager devotees who will pay good money for it! Canned tuna is one thing… but canned meats – BLECH. In whatever form.

    Great review – Welcome to TIB.

  6. At some point while living on the Gulf Coast or on the East Coast, you WILL be forced to eat these things. It’s either that or “potted meat product” on half-squished white bread.

    While at the store today I witnessed two sisters about to buy a crapload of this stuff for the hurricane season. There are times when you just gonna have to eat this sh!t.

  7. Wow, even Marvo is outsourcing! Just like everything else, I bet paid blog workers in Hawaii is expensive.

    I liked Vienna Sausages as a kid. But then again, I probably ate mud when I was a kid too. They are both as appetizing to me now.

  8. Ace, good to see another review of yours. I’ll just have to get used to the new digs over here. Keep up the great reviews.

  9. Chris Harrison – I poured the sauce over the top; didn’t want to waste a drop of the worst sauce ever created.

    Clevegal42 – They are actually quite packed in, which is either good or bad depending on your feelings regarding these miniature penis-things.

    Domokun – Other than Marvo constantly blowing cigar smoke in my face and reminding me about who “butters my biscuits”, it’s a decent gig.

    webmiztris – Strangely enough, you could still combine the two in one horrible dish and still spend less than a dollar.

    luckinflux – Bobbit Dogs: Dicking Around with Dinner since 2007

    Caray – Thank you, but I will have to disagree with you on the canned meats front – spam, sunny-side eggs, and soy sauce is one of my favorite sandwiches.

    Peachy – In the year 2000 all of our food will come in pill form, so I’m not so worried.

    Kevin – I am paid in love, with my benefits coming in the form of smiles. Oh…and about 6 figures cash a year, that too.

    Sam – It’s like moving into a new house with indoor plumbing and a landlord that paces in circles talking to a can of Spam.

  10. ace – funny you mention miniature penis. i dated a guy who described himself as a vienna sausage. relationship didn’t last long.

  11. I have a can of those little monsters in my cupboard right now, and I think it’ll still be there hundreds of years from now when archaeologists excavate the site that used to be my house.

    That picture may give me nightmares!

  12. cian – Well, at least it wasn’t a Slim Jim. That would just be creepy and weird.

    Diana – You have to get rid of it as soon as possible, you don’t want the people of the future thinking we were a civilization that ate these things for sustenance.

    Tamara – It’s almost like licking a penny, minus the germs and disease(at least I HOPE it’s minus those things).

  13. Holy crap, it feels weird not having to reply to comments. Anyhoo, I like vienna sausage too. Although I haven’t had them in awhile…Okay, a little longer than awhile. I think it’s been eight years. But I do like vienna sausage.

  14. I actually eat these things when I’m too poor to go to the grocery store…yeah they look like shit, but hey, it’s that or another salt packet.

    These, however, I won’t be trying.

  15. Noelle – The same reason I do anything in life: for the amusement of people on the internet.

    miss petite america – I don’t mind regular Vienna Sausages every once in a long while, but these just take it to another level of repulsion.

    Marvo – I was in elementary school the last time you had one, something tells me you didn’t like them THAT much.

    tanya – I used to eat them packed with that tomato sauce on French bread. It’s like tuna…with edible bones. Yum.

    ultradave – If I was one to anthropomorphize my food, I’d be pretty damn depressed every time I popped one of these cans open and imagined that the sausage brine was made of tears.

    Brie – I used to drink those little cups of half-and-half when I didn’t have milk. I feel your pain all too well.

    sara – Another good snack is raw ramen with the seasoning packet for flavor. However, I’m not sure what’s worse: the 13,000 milligrams of sodium and MSG, or the fact that I consider this a viable thing to eat.

  16. @Ace, wow… I’m not the only who’s eaten uncooked Ramen and dumped the salty ass seasoning on it for taste… Small world.

    You guys crack me up. I hope I never have to eat these things by choice. You’ve helped me make up my mind…

  17. Oh gawd, I’ve tried one of these before, my friend brought a vienna sausage sandwich to school when I was in 2d or 3rd grade, it was repulsive…Good on ya for trying one of these, Marvo. Hope you don’t get trichinosis.

  18. I took one bite, swallowed and puked all over the others. Disgusting taste. Great review Ace. Not as good as Marvin, but you have it too.

  19. Would you totally believe that these terrible excuses for ‘food product’ are considered a staple in the Philippines? My grandma and mom used to make me eat them with rice and egg. YUCK on a stick. A chopstick that is.

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