Chicken of the Sea Mandarin Orange Salmon Cups

I take back everything bad I said about other things I reviewed, this is proof that the devil lives among us. And apparently the devil takes on the form of a blonde mermaid who hocks packaged fish products. Nice try, you sleazy merchant of lies. You don’t even really exist in nature, your origin came about when drunk and horny pirates mistakenly identified a seal. Maybe next time wear a clamshell bra like Ariel from The Little Mermaid if you want to win my trust and make me have a disturbing, sexually confusing crush on you.

How I came about stumbling upon this box of evil seemed innocent enough. I was minding my own business, shopping at the gigantic corporate mega mart that simultaneously fuels and ruins our country, when I had a sudden craving for tuna. I skimmed the aisles until I found the cheapest can I could and then noticed something beside it. Like a siren, it called to me. I picked it up and threw it in my cart. Little did I know I was in possession of a product that was more akin to Pandora’s Box than a can of tuna.

I related to the small sealed cup because like myself, it had a massive identity crisis. The label is a true orgy of bullshit that I had to wade through just to figure out what the damn thing was. First of all, it was from Chicken of the Sea, which I’ve been conditioned to believe sells tuna.

However, it is addressed as a salmon cup, which is neither chicken nor tuna. To make matters more complicated, the words “Mandarin Orange” are included in a big box as if to indicate that this was indeed a fruit cup and that everything else was included for the sole purpose of pissing me off.

After my head exploded and the minimum wage worker lazily wiped the remains off the floor, I checked out. I mentioned to the cashier, “You do realize that this is fucking ridiculous, right?” but only received a puzzled look in response. I took the cup home and decided to give it a shot.

This is by far the most vile thing I’ve ever attempted to consume. The scent is somewhere between orange scratch-n-sniff and demon breath. I am convinced that if Syracuse University’s orange mascot died in a football celebration gone terribly awry, this is what he’d smell like after two weeks. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think this thing came straight out of an H.P. Lovecraft novel.

By this point I had confirmed that it was indeed salmon in some type of mandarin orange sauce. My first taste was one of bewilderment and disgust. “I don’t recall salmon tasting like syrup, orange liquor, and charcoal,” I thought to myself.

Needless to say, I quickly spit it out and burned the plastic bag just in case it decided to return and make me eat it in my sleep. I ran into the garage seeking sandpaper to lick so I could get rid of the taste.

They say that which does not kill you makes you stronger, but those people apparently never tasted mandarin orange salmon cups. The sadist in me wants you to try it with your family and share in the pain that I’ve felt, but the Jesus complex in me wants to save you from this horrible wreck.

It’s your call, but don’t come back crying when your spouse leaves you and your oldest daughter becomes a broken emo girl that I may or may not try to sleep with at a party.

Item: Chicken of the Sea Mandarin Orange Salmon Cups
Price: 85 cents
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: Hot animated mermaids. Hermetically sealed packaging.
Cons: Dead orange mascots. Smell from said dead orange mascot. Abominable taste. the shame of shopping at Wal-Mart. Confusing labels. Salmon officially losing all of its dignity.

38 thoughts to “Chicken of the Sea Mandarin Orange Salmon Cups”

  1. All I have to say is “Yuck!” Probably smell like a Vietnamese hooker with ten dollars in front of her. Not that I’d know of course.

  2. I used to tell eveyone that i would eat anything from the sea! Now i have reconsidered my options, and i will have to add, eveything but salmon and orange juice combined. Just because someone could’nt say no to their artist self. And i want to save my emo daughter from a fate she will never forget or be able to medicate.

  3. Thank you Jesus!

    You’ve done the world a great deed. That crap looks like gourmet cat food. I can only imagine the smell.

  4. nicole – While your rules are easily applicable and probably 100% correct, they do not lead to the fun of trying the crappiest products on the market.

    cybele – Mahi Mahi is just so much more fun to say than chicken; this is probably why it’s so popular over there. Actually, any thing you say twice is fun. Walla Walla.

    AmberLB – All of my hours of playing Dragon Quest have proven me correct. I am the most courageous man on Earth.

    Chuck – Marvo reviewed that one, but I’m still pretty sure that this is far worse. Though if you combined the two, I think we could create a wormhole or something.

    nat – I guess salmon that looks like cat puke isn’t as appealing as they had hoped.

    I am the Walrus – I’m like a moth drawn to a flame with this type of stuff, except my wings are made out of cardboard and crayons.

    monica – Thanks, I try to use humor to make up for my many other deficiencies. Hopefully it will continue to work. I too happen to enjoy a nice piece of salmon grilled with a citrus glaze, but this is like a completely different species.

    bikerbabeee – This is a formula that I now know to avoid. Unless they start selling fig newton clams, I would be forced to try it out of morbid curiosity.

    Rick – Thanks, Rick. My stomach and I couldn’t agree with you more.

    edman0037 – Fried chicken is really bad for you. I was protecting your arteries or something. You really should start sending all fried chicken to The Impulsive Buy…for…uh…safekeeping.

    Drew Barnard – Most of my Myspace photos have this same comment beneath them.

  5. miss mle – Come to think of it, it wouldn’t shock me if this were a misplaced cup of cat food. I might need to check back with Wal-Mart…

    Jackers – It might be the only thing worse than Freddy Kreuger.

    Peachy – It doesn’t say on the label, but I’d guess that you’re either supposed to put it in a salad or feed it to your plants. Most likely the latter.

    Brie – Some would say brave, but I’m pretty sure it’s mostly stupidity.

    Dana – This is good, as I’m thinking about selling crack just to pay for textbooks.

    Marvo – The readers adore Marvo; I doubt they see you as a sadistic whip-cracker of an editor. Unless they do, and that’s WHY they adore you. Damn enigmatic readers…

    Sam – I wear a lot of cheesy army t-shirts with slogans like “Pain is Temporary, Glory is Forever” to get through these reviews.

    Al – I might have to steal this for my creative writing class.

    BabyJ – It’s even better when a supermarket calls their generic stuff “Premium Select.” Sure it doesn’t mean anything, but at least it sounds good I guess.

    Griffin73 – I will not have you speak lowly of Vietnamese hookers, I would wager that they are as noble and clean as any hookers on this planet.

    db cooper – Oh, it wouldn’t be THAT bad for your daughter. Spare me a little credit.

    skibs – “Gourmet” is stretching it a bit. It’s more like moderately priced cat food, I think I’d rather have a can of Fancy Feast.

  6. the flavored tuna cans (spicy thai, lemon and..i forget the other one..) are SO good, but they are kinda expensive (around 2 bucks for one)
    but they look NOTHING like that.

  7. Ace – Sorry, I fell victim to the “not reading who wrote this review” trap. Maybe if they had dehydrated salmon and oranges in the alfredo thing it would indeed have been worse.

  8. Sweet Jesus. My boyfriend eats this junk with joy. I leave the room whenever he starts. I’ve got a serious rule about meat and fruit combos. Bleck!!!

  9. Just looking at that made me feel sicks. I couldn’t have done it. Ugh I have to leave the page or I’m going to hurl.

  10. Ugghhh, all of the Chicken of the Sea Cups are disgusting! I have tried quite a few…please, please, please never try the Cajun or Teriyaki…They are a yuck with a capital…well, Yuck!! Blah, why do I keep doing this to myself?

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