Happy Third Birthday!!!

Dear TIB,

Today, you turn three years old. Imagine, in eighteen years you can drink legally and have a decent job so that you can move out of the house. In fifteen years, you can vote and watch Rated R movies without a legal guardian. In thirteen years, you can drive a car. In seven years, you’ll lash out at me after I punish you for not doing your homework. In one year, I hope you stop calling me mommy.

I know at the beginning I didn’t really take care of you, putting up whatever crap came to my unemployed mind, but over the years I’ve matured and so have you. It’s no longer about Chinese sweatshop quantity, it’s about Japanese auto plant quality…with a few lemons. I wish I could post more reviews and I wish you could write your own reviews, but if you could write your own reviews, it would probably eventually lead to artificially intelligent cyborgs hell bent on destroying all humans.

I have to admit that you were really ugly when you were first born. I didn’t know much about bringing up a blog. I would change your colors often and make you look like other blogs because we all used the same default theme. Now you’re cute, but you’re definitely going to need braces…and probably glasses…and eventually liposuction.

I honestly can’t believe that you came from my loins. I would’ve expected a blog about my love of The Snorks, whining about my job, or something about kittens, but instead I ended up with you and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Hopefully, someday you’ll grow up to be a Pajiba, an Engadget, a Post Secret, a Kottke, a Go Fug Yourself, or an Icanhascheezburger. But until then, I’ll watch over you, be a little overprotective, ensure you don’t date boys until you’re 14 or 15, and make sure you are never influenced by the MTV show My Super Sweet 16.

I also just want to let you know that I’m p-p-proud of you…

Sorry. I’m getting a little vaclempt.

Talk amongst yourself.

I’ll give you a topic. The orangeroot is neither orange, nor a root.


Okay, I’m fine.

Again, I’m proud of you.

So we’re going to celebrate your birthday by giving away gifts to those who have watched you grow. They say it takes a village to raise a child, or some bullshit like that, so we should thank some of those villagers who helped raise you. We will give away three $25 Threadless gift certificates, three 3-month subscriptions to eMusic, and three $30 gift certificates for iTunes.

To enter the drawing, villagers will have to leave a comment for this post with the words, “Happy Birthday TIB” in their comment because this day is all about you, TIB. They should fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners their prizes.

We will start accepting entries for the drawing on Thursday, August 9, 2007 and stop accepting entries on Thursday, August 16, 2007 (11:59 Hawaii Standard Time). Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is open to everyone, but the iTunes gift certificates can only be won by those in the United States.

The winners will be determined in a way that has not been decided. It will probably be messy.

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about spam. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, the Spice Girls getting back together, or artificially intelligent cyborgs hell bent on destroying all humans.

So TIB, I hope all your birthday wishes come true. If not, I just want to let you know that I will always support you, except I won’t pay for the psychologist sessions you go to because your birthday wishes didn’t come true.


190 thoughts to “Happy Third Birthday!!!”

  1. Happy Birthday, TIB! I found you during finals week when I was wondering whether listerine whitening pre-brush rinse would shorten up my routine. Guess it won’t.

  2. Happy Birthday TIB, thanks for giving me something to great read while I avoid doing homework!

  3. Happy Birthday TIB!! If if weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be able to get my insomnia prescriptions!

  4. Happy Birthday TIB! I take your reviews very seriously. You have greatly impacted my life.

  5. Happy Birthday TIB!!

    I’ll clink a toast to you over champagne flutes filled with Pepsi Ice Cucumber.

  6. Happy Birthday TIB, call me in 11-12 years and maybe we can go out on a date, and have it be really awkward, and then some one will call child services and I’ll go to jail for a long time. On second thought, don’t call me, just have a good birthday.

  7. Happy B-Day to you, Happy B-Day to you, Happy Birthday TIB, Happy B-Day to you.

    Since this is your older brother and the rules don’t say that relatives and their families are not eligible to win. And since we watch you grow from DAY ONE!!!! We are the original villagers!

  8. Happy birthday TIB.

    Sorry I was in a land that did not permit the use of the internet. so I’m sending a belated birthday wish to you, and to the person who shat you out of thier loins thank you very much! I’m just glad you didn’t catch that infection while passing through.

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