Happy Third Birthday!!!

Dear TIB,

Today, you turn three years old. Imagine, in eighteen years you can drink legally and have a decent job so that you can move out of the house. In fifteen years, you can vote and watch Rated R movies without a legal guardian. In thirteen years, you can drive a car. In seven years, you’ll lash out at me after I punish you for not doing your homework. In one year, I hope you stop calling me mommy.

I know at the beginning I didn’t really take care of you, putting up whatever crap came to my unemployed mind, but over the years I’ve matured and so have you. It’s no longer about Chinese sweatshop quantity, it’s about Japanese auto plant quality…with a few lemons. I wish I could post more reviews and I wish you could write your own reviews, but if you could write your own reviews, it would probably eventually lead to artificially intelligent cyborgs hell bent on destroying all humans.

I have to admit that you were really ugly when you were first born. I didn’t know much about bringing up a blog. I would change your colors often and make you look like other blogs because we all used the same default theme. Now you’re cute, but you’re definitely going to need braces…and probably glasses…and eventually liposuction.

I honestly can’t believe that you came from my loins. I would’ve expected a blog about my love of The Snorks, whining about my job, or something about kittens, but instead I ended up with you and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Hopefully, someday you’ll grow up to be a Pajiba, an Engadget, a Post Secret, a Kottke, a Go Fug Yourself, or an Icanhascheezburger. But until then, I’ll watch over you, be a little overprotective, ensure you don’t date boys until you’re 14 or 15, and make sure you are never influenced by the MTV show My Super Sweet 16.

I also just want to let you know that I’m p-p-proud of you…

Sorry. I’m getting a little vaclempt.

Talk amongst yourself.

I’ll give you a topic. The orangeroot is neither orange, nor a root.


Okay, I’m fine.

Again, I’m proud of you.

So we’re going to celebrate your birthday by giving away gifts to those who have watched you grow. They say it takes a village to raise a child, or some bullshit like that, so we should thank some of those villagers who helped raise you. We will give away three $25 Threadless gift certificates, three 3-month subscriptions to eMusic, and three $30 gift certificates for iTunes.

To enter the drawing, villagers will have to leave a comment for this post with the words, “Happy Birthday TIB” in their comment because this day is all about you, TIB. They should fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners their prizes.

We will start accepting entries for the drawing on Thursday, August 9, 2007 and stop accepting entries on Thursday, August 16, 2007 (11:59 Hawaii Standard Time). Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is open to everyone, but the iTunes gift certificates can only be won by those in the United States.

The winners will be determined in a way that has not been decided. It will probably be messy.

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about spam. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, the Spice Girls getting back together, or artificially intelligent cyborgs hell bent on destroying all humans.

So TIB, I hope all your birthday wishes come true. If not, I just want to let you know that I will always support you, except I won’t pay for the psychologist sessions you go to because your birthday wishes didn’t come true.


190 thoughts to “Happy Third Birthday!!!”

  1. Happy Birthday TIB. I’m just a lurker, but I love this site and your other, older friends (pajiba, gfy, kottke). please hang around for as long as you can.

  2. Congrats and Happy Birthday to TIB! Why, I can remember when you were just a young pup… Well, actually, I can’t. But congrats Marvo!

  3. Happy Birthday TIB

    May your balls be mighty and your consumer reviews be plentiful for many years to come.

  4. congratulations, it’s been quite fun so far, the striptease clip comes to mind, hummmm maybe we need a clip from Ace striping too 😉
    Happy Birthday TIB

  5. Happy Birthday TIB!

    I enjoy the reviews and I’m sure one day you’ll grow up and sweep some other blog off of its feet!

  6. Happy Birthday TIB!
    I read you every morning over my cereal and then I usually spill it on my keyboard because I laugh and then it’s sticky and ew. Oh well!

  7. Happy Birthday TIB! Thank goodness your finished with those ‘terrible twos’! I don’t really know what I mean by that.

  8. Happy birthday, TIB! Your archives, filled with impulsive snarkiness, have helped me avoid countless hours of work – and isn’t that what it’s all about?

  9. happy birthday TIB!

    thanks for putting your self at risk for 56 heart attaks so i don’t have to!

  10. Happy birthday, TIB! I don’t think I’ve seen tears like that in Marvo’s eyes since the jalapeno spam, so ya done good.

  11. Happy Birthday, TIB!

    Three years, but never enough reviews!

    Keep up the great, funny, and enjoyable work, Marvo! (and Ace, too!)

  12. Happy Birthday TIB- your hilarious reviews save me from buying the insidious products that spring from the minds of corporate America.

  13. Happy Birthday TIB! I got dibs on your 21st, im gonna get you wasted. Fuck it, what are you doing this weekend? No one really waits till they’re 21 anyways.

  14. Happy Birthday TIB!

    Thanks for influencing my purchases, through your creative writing techniques.

  15. Happy Birthday TIB! You have saved me some money by telling me which impulsive buys are to be avoided. All that money was promptly spent on other impulsive buys, but oh well.

  16. Happy Birthday, TIB! You and Marvo have been cracking me up for over a year now, and I’ve never looked back! Hope this is the start of many. 🙂

  17. Happy Birthday TIB!

    You enlighten me about products I would never have the cajones to purchase, like the Baconator. (Frankly, I’m scared of it, and I’ve heard it can smell fear.)

    Keep up the fantastic work!

  18. Happy birthday TIB!

    May your liver hold out for a very long time, so that readers will continue to be able to enjoy your musings on potentially dangerous food products/other crap.

  19. Happy Birthday TIB!

    Oh, how an innocuous search for a review about axe body gel has led me to this. Oh, how a casual glance and light chuckle has led to a crack-like addiction.. (I’ve done things to see this site that no man should do, and I’m not sure I’ll be able to live with myself)… Yes TIB, have a birthday to be remembered through the ages!

  20. Happy birthday TIB! It’s only been 3 years? Seems I may have gotten in rather close to the ground floor! (Which, obviously, makes me more eligible for prizes :P)

  21. Happy Birthday TIB! Love the site and check it daily. Keep up the good work Marvo (and Ace)!

  22. Happy birthday TIB. My little blog turned 3 this year too. If blogs had feet, arms, intelligence, etc, they could go on a play date.

  23. Happy B-day, TIB. May your future be filled with wonder and a gleeful exhuberance for life!

  24. Happy Birthday TIB! If it wasn’t for you I would never have known the friend potential in Jalapeño spam!

  25. Happy Birthday TIB! You know I dont know you very well and You dont know me very well… or maybe you do; Infact… maybe your stalker type that keeps a watchful eye over me like the bologna in my fridge. At any rate, I love reading you and will continue to for years to come… it’s not about gift certifcates, fancy movie screens, or products that mainly cannot be advertisted on television because of “censors”. NO, It’s about coming home after a long day and reading about a product I know nothing about and eventually consuming it.

    Cheers TIB, here’s to at least 3 more wonderful years.

  26. Happy Birthday TIB! Thanks for not sucking too badly and for keeping me from wasting money on crap on which you already wasted yours.

  27. Wow, three years already? I remember when I first started reading this blog… and I guess it *has* been that long.

    Also, you technically can give away the iTunes cards to those not in the U.S. In fact, if you did, us non Americans (though technically, I live in North America.. so I guess I’m .. North American..?) could actually buy episodes of TV shows, movies, etc for our iPods. 😉

    Anyway, Happy Birthday TIB! You just keep getting better and better.

  28. Happy Birthday TIB!!! I love reading you! it brings humor to my day! thanks for being there! **sniffle** im gonna cry now…

  29. Happy Birthday TIB! I’ve been following you religiously for about a year now from out here in Bermuda (YAAAAY islands!). Oh and yesterday happened to be my birthday (17, woohoo!!), so it’s almost like we’re twins. ^__^

    Okay, so not really. LET ME DREAM.

  30. Happy Birthday TIB!!
    I love you! Your posts are amazing! I’ve been following for about 2 years now. You rock! Hope this is the best birthday yet!

  31. Happy Birthday TIB!

    To celebrate, I’ll be having some Banana Twinkies and a Whoopie Berry Slurpee…

    oh how i am proud of you. you have grown into some amazing. how would i spend my work afternoonds if i was not reading you, wishing i didnt live in australia.

  33. Happy Birthday TIB!

    Marvo, I appreciate what you do here. I love being a regular reader here.

  34. Happy Birthday TIB!!! Wish I was 3 again… Pissin myself and getting spoonfed apple sauce. Those were the days…

  35. Happy birthday TIB! I didn’t think you were well off enough to give away that much stuff. Clearly you are sleeping with a rich older man.

  36. Happy Birthday TIB.

    Can’t begin to say how many things I’ve been more informed about before carelessly trying… although I tend to not try them because I’m lazy more than careful.

  37. awww… I love TIB. I didn’t know it was so old! (old in internet time)

    Marvo, you do a bangup job. Maybe I’ll bake a TIB cake tomorrow. 🙂

    Happy Birthday, TIB. Here’s to many more! 🙂

  38. I’m so in love with you… What??? You’re only how old?!?! *ahem* Well, guess I gotta wait 15 more years…
    Happy Birthday, TIB…

  39. Man, it seems like it was just yesterday…I was saying Happy 2nd birthday to TIB. What an awesome year of reviews! And hopefully many more to come…Happy Birthday!

  40. Happy Birthday TIB!

    I saw a Rumba at a coffee shop for sale and I remembered your review of it, and dare I say, it was actually really good…
    I hope for more reviews, and I really want to try that microwavable rice shiet!

  41. Happy Birthday TIB!!!!!

    You’re the only one who understands my desire to try EVERYTHING…no matter how raunchy someone else may find it! And your wit and cynicism are unparallelled.

  42. Happy Birthday TIB!
    Also in just 13 years, your creepy uncle can sneak you into the strip club where his “new girlfriend” works to teach you how to be a man.
    I’ve only recently met you but I hope I get to see you well into awkward adolescence.

  43. Happy Birthday, TIB!

    You inspired me to start my own review blog, even though mine is only about tea and thusly nowhere near as fun. 🙂

  44. Happy Birthday TIB!!
    thanks for all the laughs,giggles(not to mention giggle-farts!) and great reviews!
    Marvo and Co.. try to let the Fruit of your loins fly a little!(just not TOO far from the trees!)

  45. Happy Birthday, TIB! I’m sad I’ve only found you this summer — can’t wait for more years of awesome!

  46. Okay, this is weird… August 9th was my anniversary with my (now ex) boyfriend; we were together for over three and a half years, and this past August 9th is the first one we didn’t spend together. I’ve been reading this blog for what feels like forever, I can’t believe I never noticed that before.

    Also, MY actual birthday is August 7th! I’m 18, though.

    Happy Birthday TIB!
    B O N A N N I V E R S A I R E A T O I !

  47. Happy Birthday TIB!!!!!!!!!

    Thank you for eating weird things so my vegetarian picky ass doesn’t have to!!! You always make my day!! Grow up to be strong and don’t ever play with Bratz dolls!

  48. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIB!! I’ve been reading this blog for almost a year now (the day I found it I finished all the previous entries haha)…many more to come!

  49. Happy Birthday, TIB! I hope you get an extra-specially good product to review, though just about anything would top mandarin orange salmon.

  50. May there always be crap out there for you to waste money on, so that we may laugh. Happy Birthday TIB. What a treat you are in the online smorgasboard.

  51. Happy Birthday, TIB! I found you during finals week when I was wondering whether listerine whitening pre-brush rinse would shorten up my routine. Guess it won’t.

  52. Happy Birthday TIB, thanks for giving me something to great read while I avoid doing homework!

  53. Happy Birthday TIB!! If if weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be able to get my insomnia prescriptions!

  54. Happy Birthday TIB! I take your reviews very seriously. You have greatly impacted my life.

  55. Happy Birthday TIB!!

    I’ll clink a toast to you over champagne flutes filled with Pepsi Ice Cucumber.

  56. Happy Birthday TIB, call me in 11-12 years and maybe we can go out on a date, and have it be really awkward, and then some one will call child services and I’ll go to jail for a long time. On second thought, don’t call me, just have a good birthday.

  57. Happy B-Day to you, Happy B-Day to you, Happy Birthday TIB, Happy B-Day to you.

    Since this is your older brother and the rules don’t say that relatives and their families are not eligible to win. And since we watch you grow from DAY ONE!!!! We are the original villagers!

  58. Happy birthday TIB.

    Sorry I was in a land that did not permit the use of the internet. so I’m sending a belated birthday wish to you, and to the person who shat you out of thier loins thank you very much! I’m just glad you didn’t catch that infection while passing through.

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