Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E

Oh, wook at the wittle doggie on the packaging for the Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E.

Who’s a cute, wittle doggie? You’re a cute, wittle doggie. Yes you are. You wike to wick my nose with your wittle tongue, don’cha. You wook so soft and cuddwy, wittle doggie. If you were here I would use your soft wittle fur to wipe my warge ass.

Don’t bewieve me? Just ask the Snuggle bear.

How could I not buy toilet paper with a cute, wittle doggie on its packaging? It’s hard for me to resist things with cute doggie woggies on them. It’s the reason why I’ve got an unused bag of Puppy Chow, a whole lot of Clifford the Big Red Dog books, every sheet from the 365 Puppies A Year tear-away daily desk calendar from the last five years, and why the website Daily Puppy is at the top of my RSS feed reader.

I was hoping that the Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E would be soft and fluffy like the fur of that cutsy wootsy doggie woggie on its plastic wrapper or the lyrics of Jewel song. I was also expecting it would be so soft that I would intentionally eat Ex-Lax just so I could use it more.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t as soft as a doggie woggie, but it felt as good as my usual two-ply Costco toilet paper I get in the über 36-pack that takes me over a year to go through, even after my annual tradition of dressing up as a mummy.

Like Ruffles potato chips or Jabba the Hut’s chin, each sheet of the Cottonelle Toilet Paper has ridges. I thought it glided better over my bunghole compared with other toilet papers I’ve used. I don’t know if the aloe and vitamin E had something to do with reducing roughness, but if they did, I need a shirt made with aloe and vitamin E so that my nipples don’t chafe when I go running. Sure, I enjoy rubbing the Neosporin on them afterwards, but overall, raw nipples aren’t fun.

Oh, if only I were rich or in Europe, I would have a bidet. Or even better, if I were rich, I would be wiping my ass with either the finest Asian silks, 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, or $100 bills. Although, now that I think about it, money can be just as dirty as an Amy Winehouse heroin needle and it’s a pain to wash fine Asian silks. I think I’ll settle for two-ply toilet paper.

Unfortunately, the Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E is only one ply. The one ply is thick, but just like Jabba the Hutt, it choked when around my “Great Pit of Carkoon.” It tore in non-perforated areas often while ripping away sheets from the roll and while cleaning my undercarriage. This is not acceptable because I didn’t want to accidently have my finger slide up into me. If I’m going to have a finger slide into me, I want it to be the finger of someone I paid to do so.

Unless it starts packaging an actual cute wittle doggie woggie with it, I don’t think the Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E is worth it. It’s one ply, seems to tear easily, is just as soft as the two-ply stuff I get from Costco, and is pricey per roll. The aloe and vitamin E do seem to add less roughness to the toilet paper, but unless you have a bad case of diarrhea or get OCD when it come to wiping your ass, you probably won’t really notice it.

Item: Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E
Price: $6.37 (12 rolls)
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Cute wittle puppy on the front. Sewer and septic system safe. Aloe and vitamin E do seem to make paper less rough. Clifford the Big Red Dog. Rubbing Neosporin on nipples. Daily Puppy.
Cons: Seems to tear easily. One ply. Pricey for the amount of rolls. Their “double rolls” look like normal rolls. Paying more than $100 to have someone slide a finger into me.

32 thoughts to “Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E”

  1. At the risk of running an old review into the ground…I don’t think this stuff would have fared well in the habanero jerky torture test. Definitely need two-ply for that, or for many other products you review.

  2. im disturbed that youu want to wipe your ass with a dog’s fur. Hmmmm, if peanut butter were involved, the dog would probably use his tongue…REVIEW that.

  3. I find Cottonelle shreds too much when I use it on, ahem, my delicate areas. And since it’s only one-ply, you have to use twice as much so all in all not a good deal. Oh, and what is wrong with using your own (free) finger, might I ask?

  4. If you go through a 36 pack in over a year that means you go through a roll of toilet paper approx. every two weeks (or longer, I don’t know how much beyond a year it lasts).
    I go through a roll every day or so. Do you ration it? Use only a square at a time? Do you just not wipe very well? I admire your conservationism. What’s your secret?

  5. I actually quite like cottonelle myself. But screw wiping with a furry doggie. I shave for a reason- don’t need any added hair in that region.

  6. stephanie – That dog looks like Gizmo from the Gremlins movie.

    cian – I’ll steal some from my future pregnant wife.

    Ace – I think all dogs like butts. They love sniffing mine. Maybe I should stop eating meat.

    Mir – Well I haven’t told you about the birthmark on my (insert which body part you think it is here).

    Chuck – Before I reply to your comment, have you watched the show Chuck on NBC. I think it’s a good show. Anyhoo, I think I want a bidet installed in my bathroom before I eat that habanero jerky again.

    nicole – Don’t worry, I’d wash the dog after. Or pay someone to wash it.

    Molly – There’s something about sticking myself that I just can’t do. I think that’s the reason why I’m not a heroin addict.

    Anonymous – My secret? I don’t have a vagina, my roommate is never around, and I don’t poop a lot.

    Alisha – I shave too…um, well trim.

    g – I don’t like squatting because it’s hard to read magazines or do stuff on a laptop.

  7. Marvo,
    Thank you for taking the time to get to the bottom of this type of review. I don’t want to make you the butt of my jokes, since reviewing bathroom tissue can be a sticky situation. I am glad you did it rather then me.

    After reading your review, I now know that when I have guests over for my weekly rump roast and hot buttered buns dinner, I had better have something stronger on hand… or they might be left with something stronger on their hands.

    Glad to have this review behind us. I guess this means that should Disney ever decide to branch lower into the personal care market and comes out with the Winnie-The-Poo paper, I know where to look for the review!

  8. I love Cottonelle with Aloe & E but have never noticed it was single ply. After using the sandpaper Scott brand during bouts of diarhea, most anything would be considered soft. I just went to go check my pack of Cottonelle Ultra and found that it’s two-ply. It’s labled as “strong and absorbent” and the cute puppy is napping.

  9. Marvo,

    I’ve heard it’s a good show, but I haven’t watched it yet, since I’m usually at work when it’s on. I’ll try recording it with my DVR.

  10. Cottonelle fan here, and you know how I am about making sure the back door is well-oiled and on its hinges for my frequent guests to enter. Can’t have it lookin’ shabby! The trick is using the Moist Fresh Wipes first. Sorta like using a degreaser on your car’s tires/engine.

    Wuv the wittle doggie! I understand their marketing dept. only has three things to choose from: baby, puppy, tits. And out of the three, the puppy looks best in the goggles their using to hawk the Fresh wipes.

  11. I don’t use Cottonelle very often, I prefer Charmin. I always crack up at those commercials w/ the bears. But I wonder, that look of glee on their faces: is that from the act of pooping itself, or from the fantastic tp?

    Wow, I never had the chance to ask that until now, Marvo. Thanks for the opportunity. 😉

  12. bidet from europe? Upgrade to Japan….with LCD screen and wireless internet mounted on the wall. More options on how many jets of water!

  13. With toilet paper, I prefer the Costco stuff. I only wish I could have a bidet!

    Say, what’s with the animals in t.p. ads? Like the cartoon bears that go behind the tree…

  14. I may never be the same after reading this post.

    Sliding fingers. Nipple chaffing and the undying image of wiping asses with puppies.

    Therapy was inevitable.

  15. Gigi – I really would like to wipe my ass with Winnie The Pooh.

    Lane O – Oh, cutey wooty puppy nappwing.

    govtdrone – I’m glad the r-r-ridges aren’t r-r-rough.

    Chuck – You can watch past episodes at the NBC website. About the Gravatars, I know they were just bought out by the same guys to who do WordPress, so I think we have to reupload our images or I have to mess with the code.

    Domokun – Tits don’t look good in goggles? I thought tits look good in everything.

    Webmiztris – If he eats it, wouldn’t be ironic that he’s wiping the pooped out toilet paper with toilet paper. Wow, that totally blows my mind.

    Brie – I thought bears drag their asses on the ground to wipe…or grab a nearby bunny.

    Peachy – If only I had a Target, I would try their toilet paper.

    jinhamasaki – That sounds pretty cool, as long as they’re not showing my ass on the LCD screen.

    Lane O – If I wasn’t saving money for a Real Doll, I would totally buy one of those. 😉

    demondoll – Yeah, I find it strange that animal are being used too. Like they have to wipe their ass for anything. To be honest, I don’t think most animals can reach their asses with their limbs.

    Mia – You think you need therapy. I wrote the thing.

    Rylan – Sorry about that.

  16. If you do buy a RealDoll, we demand a review from it. Actually, that company should send you one for free in exchange for a funny review.

  17. Chuck – If they send me one for free, I probably won’t do another review EVER. I’ll just spend all my time with the RealDoll.

    Kate – I wish vegetables had cute puppies on it. I would buy more if they did.

  18. 1) Ok, so this is more than you ever wanted to know, but I find Cottonelle paper leaves…fibers…behind. Even the aloe. You want Charmin with aloe. No fibers & keeps the ‘area’ squeaky clean. Charmin wipes, however, are too thin & your fingers will go right through. Cottonelle wipes are thicker & much preferred. Charmin for paper + Cottonelle wipes = an ass you could eat dinner off of.

    2) Shame on you. I have spent the last 2 hours @ dailypuppy.com & am going to die now from the cuteness.

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