When I was young, I used to have elegant tea parties. I would put on my Sunday’s best and bring out my finest China plasticware. Some of you may think that tea parties are “girly” and my parents may have “wondered” about me at that time, but when the party guests included Megatron, hooded Cobra Commander, Darth Vader’s Tie Fighter, Kikaida, a 1983 Topps Steve Balboni baseball card, and Tenderheart Bear it automatically became a manly tea party.
Unfortunately, tea was never served at my parties, since my mother wouldn’t let me near the stove due to my pyromaniac tendencies and my dad wouldn’t let me pour hot water due to being prone to what he called “Bill Buckner hands.” So I served room temperature tap water at my tea parties, which is much like the equivalent of having wine coolers at a wine tasting party.
Sure my tea parties were sausage-fests, but it was less about who was there and more about what we talked about. In those days, we would discuss democracy in Eastern Europe, the pros and cons of both VHS and Betamax tapes, the rise of the Japanese Yen, and ask each other whose double-Ts were hotter, Smurfette or Scarlett.
Now that I’m grown up and over my pyromaniac and Bill Buckner tendencies, I could have tea parties with actual tea, but most of my tea party friends are no longer with me. I sold Megatron on eBay for $75, hooded Cobra Commander is lost in the yard somewhere, Darth Vader’s Tie Fighter is in its original box sitting on a shelf at my parent’s house, Kikaida was sold at a garage sale, and my 1983 Topps Steve Balboni card was attached to my BMX bike to make fake motorcycle sounds. Thankfully, Tenderheart Bear still sleeps with me every single night, so I wouldn’t be faced with the ways of the alcoholic and drinking alone.
Recently, we tried the Snapple Classic Black Teas, which come in three traditional black tea flavors: English Breakfast, Earl Grey, and Orange Pekoe. Each of them are lightly sweetened and all-natural. They also contain less than 100 calories per bottle, have antioxidants, and should be served chilled.
I shared some with Tenderheart Bear as we discussed the rise of the Canadian dollar, the impact of Wal-Mart on small business, how mediocre the TV show Heroes is this season, and the likelihood that a woman would get an STD from a member of an 1980s hair band…including the drummer. We also gave our thoughts about the Snapple Classic Black Teas and Tenderhear Bear, a connoisseur of teas, didn’t care for them too much.
He thought each of them tasted like someone made tea, forgot they made tea, left it on the kitchen counter for a day, realized they made tea the day before, was too lazy to reheat the tea, was to cheap to throw out the tea, and added a couple of lumps of processed sugar to the tea. He thought they all captured the essence of the flavors, but felt that serving them cold didn’t do them justice and the sugar did kind of ruin the flavor of the tea. He admitted that he’s a purist and would prefer to drink these flavors as hot tea.
It was nice catching up with Tenderheart Bear even though we see each other every night. That quality time spent together got me thinking about starting up tea parties again. I could invite Tenderheart Bear, my iPod for musical conversations, my black pinstripe dress shirt from Banana Republic for fashion topics, my laser printer for literary subjects, and maybe condom tin to talk about why I’m still not getting any.
(Nutrition Facts – One bottle (varies per flavor) – 70 to 90 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 to 5 milligrams of sodium, 17 to 22 grams of carbs, 17 to 21 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of sugar.)
Item: Snapple Classic Black Teas
Price: FREE (Retail price – $1.39)
Purchased at: Given by nice PR people
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Antioxidants. All-natural. Made with real sugar and honey. Less than 100 calories per bottle. Scarlett (I dig redheads).
Cons: Tastes like cold tea that someone accidently threw in sugar. The sugar kind of ruins the flavor of the tea. These flavors taste better hot. Drinking alone. Steve Balboni’s ability to strikeout.
12 thoughts to “REVIEW: Snapple Classic Black Teas”
Keeping Tenderheart Bear – at least you got your priorities straight. But can you really taste the difference between all three teas?
I recommend drinking the Earl Grey tea while watching Star Trek Next Generation reruns to properly get your geek on. Of course, Picard would never have had his Earl Grey tea cold.
Heroes is mediocre this season? How dare you! How dare you.
Glad to see Tenderheart Bear developed some critical thinking skills unlike those whorish Cabbage Patch kids.
Tenderheart’s theory on why they taste like they do definitely sounds like something I would do. If only I’d known my poor culinary skills had the potential to make money…
Wow, I saw the picture and I was already yawning. These seem so boring…Ooooh cold, regular tea, wow, (don’t they generally use orange pekoe to make iced tea, anyway?). I like iced tea, but if you’re going to introduce a new product try to make it interesting…
Hah. Tenderheart Bear has a way with words. It seems like all these new “classic” iced teas taste like that.
Lane O – Yes, I could taste a difference. Like my nipples, my tongue is sensitive.
Chuck – I would say, “Engage” in between each sip.
Domokun – Yea, I said it! Heroes is mediocre. What you goin’ do ’bout it? Have Hiro transport you through time and space to kick my ass? 😉
Gabs – Actually, poor culinary skills will get definitely get you fed, but making money with it is definitely a no.
Karen – How about if they added Xtreme to the name and stuffed 100 milligrams of caffeine?
Adrienne – Tenderheart Bear also has the ability to make me cry with his words.
Oh, is that also like bringing store-bought cookies to a holiday cookie exchange party?
demondoll – Don’t most people do that?
Thanks for the heads-up. I was going to try the orange pekoe, but since you told me it has sugar in it, I’m gonna pass.
Aimee – Just try it for the hell of it. You’ll be down a dollar or two, but you will be hydrated.
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