If you’ve ever attended elementary school, you probably remember the one boy that really enjoyed his food. He would eat a hamburger as if he was making out with it and smother spaghetti sauce along his face as if it were a velvety smooth shaving cream. For that kid, eating was not just simple consumption; it was a sensual ritual rivaled only by the raunchiest of all sex acts. Of course, none of us really knew the dynamics of intercourse at the time, so that kid indulged in the closest thing there was. It was absolutely disgusting — and I wanted in.
Sure, the kids made fun of him, but who was the joke on? While the rest of us were worried about tripping at recess or pissing our pants, he was doing exactly what he wanted. We should all learn a lesson from that boy. It’s time to forget about looking cool with chai-flavored biscotti and time to stop giving a damn. That’s why I picked up a giant bag of Flamin’ Hot Funyuns.
Introduced in 1994, these messy rings of pungency were mysteriously taken off the market soon after they hit stores. It was probably due to the fact that kids were coming to class with eye-burning red fingers and the strong smell of onion powder, effectively destroying any will that the barely motivated teachers already had. This potent combination somehow manages to make junk food even less sexy.
Fortunately, I made it a point not to care about those things any more. Now that these fiery rings of onion-flavored corn are back, I can finally enjoy their addictive messy flavor. Unlike Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, where the cheese flavoring is essentially masked, the pleasant onion taste of the Funyuns is a nice contrast to the heat.
If you’ve ever had other Flamin’ Hot products, you’ll pretty much know what to expect. It’s a slow burn of red peppers followed by that weird hissing sound you make when you don’t want to wussy out and drink water. These chips are a perfect addictive snack for any social occasion − as long as it’s with people you’re not trying to impress.
(Nutritional Facts – 1 oz., around 13 chips – 130 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 mg of cholesterol, 300mg sodium, 16 grams of carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 1 gram of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% Vitamin A, 0% Vitamin C, 2% Calcium, and 4% Iron)
Item: Flamin’ Hot Funyuns
Price: $2.99
Purchased at: Albertsons
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Very addictive. Heat doesn’t overpower the Funyun goodness. Not worrying about being cool when snacking. Hamburger make-out, depending on how you feel about that sort of thing.
Cons: You’ll probably look and smell like a woodland creature while you’re eating these. Accidentally wiping your eyes with the red powder on your fingers. Hamburger make-out, depending on how you feel about that sort of thing.