REVIEW: Flamin’ Hot Funyuns

If you’ve ever attended elementary school, you probably remember the one boy that really enjoyed his food. He would eat a hamburger as if he was making out with it and smother spaghetti sauce along his face as if it were a velvety smooth shaving cream. For that kid, eating was not just simple consumption; it was a sensual ritual rivaled only by the raunchiest of all sex acts. Of course, none of us really knew the dynamics of intercourse at the time, so that kid indulged in the closest thing there was. It was absolutely disgusting — and I wanted in.

Sure, the kids made fun of him, but who was the joke on? While the rest of us were worried about tripping at recess or pissing our pants, he was doing exactly what he wanted. We should all learn a lesson from that boy. It’s time to forget about looking cool with chai-flavored biscotti and time to stop giving a damn. That’s why I picked up a giant bag of Flamin’ Hot Funyuns.

Introduced in 1994, these messy rings of pungency were mysteriously taken off the market soon after they hit stores. It was probably due to the fact that kids were coming to class with eye-burning red fingers and the strong smell of onion powder, effectively destroying any will that the barely motivated teachers already had. This potent combination somehow manages to make junk food even less sexy.

Fortunately, I made it a point not to care about those things any more. Now that these fiery rings of onion-flavored corn are back, I can finally enjoy their addictive messy flavor. Unlike Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, where the cheese flavoring is essentially masked, the pleasant onion taste of the Funyuns is a nice contrast to the heat.

If you’ve ever had other Flamin’ Hot products, you’ll pretty much know what to expect. It’s a slow burn of red peppers followed by that weird hissing sound you make when you don’t want to wussy out and drink water. These chips are a perfect addictive snack for any social occasion รขห†โ€™ as long as it’s with people you’re not trying to impress.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 oz., around 13 chips – 130 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 mg of cholesterol, 300mg sodium, 16 grams of carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 1 gram of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% Vitamin A, 0% Vitamin C, 2% Calcium, and 4% Iron)

Item: Flamin’ Hot Funyuns
Price: $2.99
Purchased at: Albertsons
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Very addictive. Heat doesn’t overpower the Funyun goodness. Not worrying about being cool when snacking. Hamburger make-out, depending on how you feel about that sort of thing.
Cons: You’ll probably look and smell like a woodland creature while you’re eating these. Accidentally wiping your eyes with the red powder on your fingers. Hamburger make-out, depending on how you feel about that sort of thing.

24 thoughts to “REVIEW: Flamin’ Hot Funyuns”

  1. I think the only way to stay clean while eating these is to use chopsticks. But I do enjoy the burning flavor, just not the messiness.

  2. Never tried the flamin hot funyuns. Have tried the cheetos and popcorn and doritos. Will look for these.. can’t pass up any of these, but not good for the stomach or waist line.

  3. My children love these, they fingerpaint the red stuff onto a paper towel when they are done. Flamin’ Funyun Fun!

  4. Ace, I totally knew one of those kids. He used to binge on those powdered donuts. The powder would be all over his face, but he must have really loved them.

    Now, I won’t be touching these, even though I am kinda masochistic when it comes to the burning taste.

  5. Yes, there’s nothing like a package of food that is vividly red and shaped like a bodily orifice…….and has the word “flaming” on the front. Nice.

  6. I love me some Funyuns, but I’ve never seen them Flamin’ Hot. I will have to find me a bag ‘o Flamin’ Hot Funyans!

  7. hamburger makeouts remind me of this kid in my elementary school who, every day without fail, would say, ‘wanna see something *magical*?’ without an answer from the rest of the table, he’d cram his entire sandwich into his mouth. my crazy friend would then slurp down her entire jell-o cup in one mouthful as an encore. stained shirts and occasional choking aside, they always seemed to be having fun. ah youth.

    also- holy lord, they’ve expanded the flamin’ hot empire? and to think i’ve been hanging out with only the cheetos. for shame. i’ll definitely give these a whirl. hopefully they’ll go just as well with cream cheese and/or ranch as the flamin’ hot cheetos do.

  8. I have never liked Flamin’ Hot anything, possibly because I prefer my foods rather bland or with mild flavors. I love Funyuns though. They are some of the best tasting chips. The only downside to them is that when you break off a bit with your teeth, the edges are super sharp and i have, on more than one occasion, stabbed the inside of my mouth.

    But alls well after the bag is empty, yum yum. I also feel obligated to say that everyone i have ever known has liked Flamin’ Hot products despite the fact that I hate them.

  9. Years ago, I saw a picture set of a naked goth model in a bathtub full of cheetos and I wondered if by the end of the shoot she was dyed orange. She’s probably pretty lucky that the tub wasn’t filled with these.

  10. About a week before you posted this I got a hankerin’ for Funyuns. Luckily I haven’t been able to find them. (But I haven’t been looking very hard.)

  11. Chuck – Yes, or perhaps latex gloves. But that would be weird…either way, you’re either going to look messy or crazy.

    Suefoot – They taste good going down, but after that it’s time for the chips to get revenge.

    Bikerbabeee – I’m surprised they haven’t advertised the arts and crafts possibilities of these chips. All I really see from these companies is an endless loop of skateboards; surely other kids must eat these things.

    Brie – I haven’t had a powdered donut in so long…probably because they make me look like a coke addict after I’m done with them. They’re damn good, though.

    lowderra – Now that I think about it, they kind of do look like prolapsed anuses. Excuse me while I vomit.

    Marvo – I will often find myself doing this with Dinty Moore Beef Stew. It’s one of my more disturbing eating habits, but some things just have to be done.

    Kylie – I’m surprised the two companies haven’t had a product tie-in.

  12. angry bob – For an angry dude, I must say that you are easily pacified.

    kagai – It might not be everywhere, but I’ve found them in most liquor stores.

    betsy – I thought I was the only one that did this! I take Laughing Cow wedges and dip the hot Cheetos in them.

    NotBlonde – I had a friend who circumvented the whole sharpness thing by crushing the Funyuns and snorting them(on a dare, of course), but I don’t suggest doing the same.

    Toxiferous – Well, at least she’d be in the perfect spot to clean up.

    cybele – That shouldn’t surprise me, but there are times when I forget that your diet doesn’t entirely consist of malted milk balls and gummy bears.

  13. I’ve never dug the Flamin’ Hot products. I do, however, have a deep and abiding love for Andy Capp Hot Fries.

  14. i love anything flamin’ hott!

    thin mints, beeyatch!!!

    i guess i’m late on that one, but i definitely laughed out loud (i’m in a library) when i read the comments to the berry sparkling water entry. good stuff.

  15. angry bob actually has seventeen moods, five of which (including “happy”) are not variations of “angry”. The judge, however, would not let him change his name to “mostly angry bob”.

  16. How can you go wrong with Funyuns?! These look good. My only problem with Funyuns is there’s never enough in a bag.

    I think they should have the Cheez-it saying…something like Get your own bag.

  17. Okay, so I have picked up a bag of these fiery rings of death. Sadly I forgot the roll of Tums. At least I have a pint of very strong homemade Bailey’s ice cream and I think that should do the trick.

    These are super yummy. Then again, I’m watching Ace of Cakes, and anything I eat seems wonderful when I’m watching a baking show. I should see if I can make a funyun shaped cake

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