Month: June 2008

REVIEW: Banquet Select Recipe Chicken Parmesan

Ace 23 Comments

Banquet holds a special place in my heart, and not just in the cholesterol-filled regions either. For as long as I can remember, Banquet has been cranking out meals that rarely go above the rate of one dollar. Even as gas prices have risen to the point where I regularly consider skipping important things like school and frat parties just to save a little scratch, I know I can find a cheap frozen meal that will do a decent job of filling me up.

With the introduction of their Select Recipe line of meals, Banquet is looking to be more than just stop-gap chow for broke people. They are now looking to compete with brands like Marie Calendar’s in terms of flavor and heartiness. While they don’t exactly succeed, they would earn themselves a trophy if the frozen food market was like one of those self-esteem boosting little leagues for weenies.

Select Recipes differ from other Banquet meals because they offer up more vegetables and generally more “gourmet” ingredients such as white meat chicken in this Chicken Parmesan selection. The chicken is still emulsified and processed to the depths of Hell, yes, but it is white meat nonetheless. The result is a slightly inflated price of $1.50 per box, which is still cheaper than anything the government should legally allow you to eat as a meal.

Predictably, the broccoli turns into green mush once it touches your teeth. Those spoiled by those fancy steam-cooked microwave vegetables will be sorely disappointed. You can salvage it by smothering it with cheese whiz, but I doubt you’ll feel good about yourself afterwards.

The chicken, however, surprised me by not becoming too soggy even after being cooked on top of the sauce and penne pasta. It actually had a decent amount of flavor despite without tasting too salty. Pasta often turns into a gummy paste after being nuked in the microwave, but it managed to stay reasonably firm and completed the surprisingly edible meal. Cheapskates, heed my call: you may miss your fifty cents now, but even the grimiest of all hobos would laugh at your stinginess if you didn’t give these meals a try.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 meal – 350 calories, 140 calories from fat, 15 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 20 mg of cholesterol, 870mg sodium, 37 grams of carbs, 8 grams of dietary fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 17 grams of protein, 6% Vitamin A, 30% Vitamin C, 15% Calcium, 15% Iron, 10% Vitamin E, 15% Thiamine, 15% Riboflavin, 10% Niacin, 10% Vitamin B6, 10% Folic Acid, 30% Phosphorus, and 10% Magnesium)

Item: Banquet Select Recipe Chicken Parmesan
Price: $1.50
Purchased at: Stater Bros.
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: A decent serving of vegetables to help curb your malnourishment. Chicken and pasta maintain a nice texture even after being microwaved. Now made with white meat chicken.
Cons: Chicken is still processed. Broccoli is way overcooked and soft. 50% more expensive than the regular meals. Letting gas prices control your life.

REVIEW: Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Energy Drink (Mocha, Vanilla and Coffee)

Marvo 21 Comments

Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Energy Drink (Mocha, Vanilla and Coffee)

I like it that Starbucks makes products for those people who want to experience Starbucks coffee but are afraid to enter the clusterfuck in every Starbucks store. The long lines, the unusual size names, the Chatty Cathys on their phones while ordering, the douchebags sitting at tables with their laptops open like they’re doing work, the rookies who have no idea how to order, the assholes who sneer at the people who don’t know how to order, the overplayed easy listening music, the low sound of the cappuccino machine, the people who stick their pinky finger out while drinking, and the people who AHHH after every sip can be an overwhelming experience for some. The brand new Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee energy drinks are meant for those who aren’t willing to brave those elements.

Just like the members of the 1990s R&B groups Color Me Badd and All-4-One, the Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee energy drink comes in three flavors: coffee, mocha, and vanilla. All three were really delicious.

The coffee flavor is great for the hardcore coffee drinker, who enjoys just a little sugar with their black cup of joe because they still want to enjoy its bitterness, always seems to have a coffee mug in their hands, has stained teeth, exhales coffee breath, farts smell like coffee, and if given the option would probably take their coffee through an IV drip. The mocha flavor isn’t as bitter as the coffee flavor and has a hint of chocolate, which makes it perfect for the casual coffee drinker who likes their coffee sweet, but not too sweet, drinks coffee mostly on weekdays at work, will never make coffee at the office coffee maker, and is despised by the hardcore coffee drinker for not making coffee at the office coffee maker. The vanilla flavor is the sweetest of them all and is meant for pussies who can’t handle coffee, but want to look like they can.

I personally enjoyed the vanilla flavor the most and it was the easiest for me to drink, but pretty much all of them were easy to drink.

I’m not sure how much sweet caffeine the Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Energy Drink has, but each 15-ounce can consists of Starbucks coffee, B-vitamins, guarana and ginseng, all of which gave me a good boost of energy to help me jump start my day of watching the Price Is Right, Googling ex-girlfriends, and masturbating to an online lingerie store.

These Starbucks coffee energy drinks directly compete with the Java Monster and Rockstar Roasted drinks, all of which are equally good. Although, just like the prostitutes Charlie Sheen likes to roll with, the Starbucks ones are a little more expensive than its competition, but then again, isn’t everything from Starbucks?

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can (varies with flavor) – 200-210 calories, 2.5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 170-180 milligrams of sodium, 1010-1030 milligrams of potassium, 34-36 grams of carbohydrates, 25-26 grams of sugar, 12 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A, 50% vitamin C, 40% calcium, 2% iron, 20% vitamin D, 200% riboflavin, 200% niacin, 200% vitamin B6, 100% vitamin B12, 2000 milligrams of maltodextrin, 1800 milligrams of taurine, 450 milligrams of L-carnitine, 180 milligrams of inositol, 325 milligrams of panax ginseng, 90 milligrams of guarana

Item: Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Energy Drink (Mocha, Vanilla and Coffee)
Price: FREE (Retails for $2.59)
Purchased at: From nice PR people
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Vanilla)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Coffee)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Mocha)
Pros: Delicious. Good boost of energy. Different flavors for different palates. 12 grams of protein per can. Nice source of potassium. No excessive amounts of sugar. Knicker Picker website.
Cons: Retail price is higher than Monster & Rockstar coffee drinks. Douchebags. The clusterfuck at a busy Starbucks location.

REVIEW: Nature’s Path Organic Frosted Strawberry Toaster Pastries

Marvo 11 Comments

When I got the Nature’s Path Organic Frosted Strawberry Toaster Pastries, I thought it was going to be made out of organic hippietastic ingredients, like hemp, berries from some forest, pine cones stolen from a raccoon, tie-dye shirts, parts from a 1970s Volkswagon van, and Jerry Garcia’s beard trimmings. But then I realized that if it were truly hippietastic, it wouldn’t come packed in foil wrappers inside a cardboard box, it would be wrapped in leaves, sealed with homemade hemp rope, and delivered by some guy who says, “Hey, man” way too much.

Nature’s Path did a good job of making these organic toaster pastries look like the O.G. of toaster pastries — Pop-Tarts. As for its taste, if someone were to blindfold me, handcuff my hands behind the back of a chair, put a leather spiked leash around my neck, put a Frosted Strawberry Pop-Tart and a Nature’s Path Organic Frosted Strawberry Toaster Pastry in front me in their own doggie dishes, and then tell me I could try each one, only after I say, “May I please try it, Master,” I could definitely tell which one is which. The organic one is surprisingly very good and not as sweet as the original Pop-Tart version, which to me is a little too sweet.

The frosting had a nice crunch to it and the whole thing had a slight grainy texture, like there was with the Whole Grain Pop-Tarts I reviewed earlier, but I didn’t really mind that.

Eating these organic toaster pastries made me feel like I was eating healthy Pop-Tarts, and I wish I had some hippie friends I could share them with in a smoke-filled Volkswagon Bus, but I wondered if they were truly healthy. I compared the nutrition facts for these and the Frosted Strawberry Pop-Tarts and it turned out that they are about the same. Of course, the main difference between the two is the fact that the Nature’s Path one is organic, meaning that no synthetic pesticides, herbicides, and fertilizers were used in making its ingredients, which truly do give them a health advantage.

As with most organic products, there is a premium with them and these toaster pastries cost higher than their non-organic, big name counterpart. Each box also contains two less pastries than a regular Pop-Tarts box, which can be disappointing when I want to get my food glut on.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 210 calories, 4 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 19 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 2% calcium, 8% iron, and 0 grams of hippiness.)

Item: Nature’s Path Organic Frosted Strawberry Toaster Pastries
Price: $3.99
Purchased at: Some natural food store
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly good. Organic. It’s frosted, bitches! Naturally flavored. Not overly sweet, like regular Pop-Tarts. Zero trans fat. Vegetarian. Not made out of hippietastic ingredients.
Cons: Slight grainy texture. Only six pastries, compared with Pop-Tarts, which have eight. Paying someone to call them “Master.”

PRIZE DRAWING: Because I Need to Lower My High Fructose Corn Syrup Intake

Marvo 139 Comments

A PR firm sent me the box above, which contains the three Dewmocracy flavors in 12-ounce cans. I received the box the day I posted the Dewmocracy review. Since I don’t need to drink them to play Xtreme Scrabble (which is not as xtreme as you think) or increase my high fructose corn syrup intake, I’ve decided to give it away to a lucky reader.

To enter this prize drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with either your favorite Mountain Dew flavor or whatever else you’d like to say. Please fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winner for their mailing address. The Impulsive Buy will stop accepting entries on Wednesday, June 11, 2008. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is open to everyone.

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about a three month supply of Flab-be-gone. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you information about how you can apply for the Disneyland credit card. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, damaged mail, or getting crushed by Kim Kardashian’s ass.

REVIEW: Mountain Dew Dewmocracy Flavors (SuperNova, Revolution, and Voltage)

Marvo 31 Comments

Read a review of the 2010 DEWmocracy flavors here.

Imagine having the power to make a difference and to change the world in some way. Some of you might be saying that one person can’t make a difference, but I’m here to tell you that one person can, but if you recruit more people, it’s a whole lot easier and if you’re sneaky enough, you might not need to do anything at all and make all those people you recruited do all the work. But if you don’t want to go through that trouble, you can make a difference by voting…for a sugary, carbonated, and caffeinated beverage.

Welcome to Dewmocracy.

Mountain Dew is letting the people decide the new Dew among three flavors: SuperNova, Revolution, and Voltage. Of course, this is slightly retarded since all three flavors are being produced and sold in stores, so technically they are ALL already new. Someone might say that Dewmocracy is about choosing the new permanent Dew flavor, and I would say to them that, it maybe permanent, but technically the winner won’t be new.

The Dewmocracy website, where you can vote for your favorite flavor, keeps track of the votes throughout the United States by state. The whole thing reminds me of all the CNN news coverage and graphics on Election Night, except without Wolf Blitzer’s beard to scare me. Just like American Idol, I’m sure more people will vote in this election than the upcoming U.S. presidential election. Some people might say that elections like these are teaching children the importance of voting. I say nay to those people, for I believe that the elections for Dewmocracy and American Idol teach the importance of voting…for things that don’t fucking matter.

I felt Revolution was the worst, SuperNova was the best, and Voltage was the nerd with the hairy chest. Looking at the Dewmocracy website, my vote for Mountain Dew SuperNova has helped it gain 3% of the vote in my state of Hawaii, which means I am supporting the Ralph Nader of Mountain Dew.

None of the Dewmocracy flavors were repulsive and each of them were sweeter than all the Care Bears holding hands while skipping across a rainbow and singing “Joy to the World.” I enjoyed SuperNova the most because of its unusual strawberry melon flavor, which gave it a nice fruity taste, almost girly-alcohol-drink-ish. It also tasted like a strawberry lemonade, which is weird since it doesn’t have any citrus flavor. Voltage’s raspberry-citrus flavor was good and I thought if Mountain Dew were to make another blue-colored Dew (Taco Bell exclusive Baja Blast was the first blue Dew), this flavor should be it. Finally, the wild berry flavor of Mountain Dew Revolution was decent, but personally wild berries aren’t my thing, because they’re too wild for me.

But my voice is just one and many of you probably disagree with me, so if you want to participate and get an unhealthy amount of high fructose corn syrup, try all three flavors, and vote at the Dewmocracy.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle – 290 calories, 0 grams of fat, 105 milligrams of sodium, 76 grams of carbs, 76 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 91 milligrams of caffeine, and 10 grams of Dewmocracy.)

Item: Mountain Dew Dewmocracy Flavors (SuperNova, Revolution, and Voltage)
Price: $1.25 each (20 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 7 out of 10 (SuperNova)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Revolution)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Voltage)
Pros: SuperNova had a nice fruity flavor. Voltage flavor was good. 91 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine per bottle. Care Bears holding hands while skipping across a rainbow and singing “Joy to the World.” None of the flavors were repulsive. Democracy.
Cons: High fructose corn syrup. Wolf Blitzer’s beard. Having to drink three bottles of Mountain Dew for this review. Having to sign up to have the opportunity to vote for Dewmocracy.