REVIEW: Tohato Ninja Snacks

(Editor’s Note: I’m pretty sure they’re not called “Ninja Snacks,” but because there’s a frickin’ ninja on the packaging I’m calling them that.)

I’m not sure what ninjas like to snack on, but I can only assume it’s the blood and souls of their victims…and possibly Doritos, because the pointy chips are not only awesomely cheesy, they can also kill. Actually, ninjas could probably turn any food into a weapon, whether it be whole carrots, a half-eaten Twinkie, bananas, cooked spaghetti noodles, a Swanson fried chicken TV dinner, a stale roll from a soup kitchen, broccoli, scraps from a school cafeteria, whatever supermodels throw up, and these Tohato Ninja Snacks.

But do ninjas even need snacks? Aren’t they satisfied with the snaps of necks or the smacks they lay across an enemy’s face?

If ninjas do decide to use the Tohato Ninja Snacks as a food instead of a weapon, I’m not sure it would be wise to take them on a mission for several reasons. First off, they have a crunch to them, although it was a pretty unsatisfying crunch, like soggy popcorn, but a crunch nonetheless, which would affect any ninja’s stealth abilities no matter how slow they chew. A ninja without the capacity to not be seen or heard is like Tyra Banks without the capacity to not be seen or heard, both will bring certain doom.

Another reason why the Tohato Ninja Snacks wouldn’t be good for a ninja on an assignment is because they will make their fingers greasy. How is a ninja suppose to scale walls or hang out in a ceiling’s cranny or accurately throw shurikens with greasy fingers?

I’m not too sure what the Ninja Snacks are supposed to be shaped like, either ninjas, grappling hooks, or if you look at the two Ninja Snacks by themselves on the packaging, breakdancers. What I do know is that they taste like Fritos with a buttered movie theater popcorn aftertaste. It actually wasn’t too bad, but ninjas need something that won’t make them say, “Blech! My mouth tastes like I licked the floor at a showing of Pineapple Express.” Because doing so will get them killed.

Item: Tohato Ninja Snacks
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Given by TIB reader Fury
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like Fritos. Can be used as a weapon by a ninja. Not being able to hear Tyra Banks. Being a ninja.
Cons: Buttered movie theater popcorn aftertaste. Might be difficult to find. Makes fingers greasy. Unsatisfying crunch. Not good for ninjas on missions. Hearing Tyra Banks. Being killed by a ninja with supermodel barf.

29 thoughts to “REVIEW: Tohato Ninja Snacks”

  1. @Danalyn – Who would win in a fight between Ninjas and Pirates? I say if it’s on land, it’s ninjas, but on water, it has to be pirates.

    @Kcdeath – I don’t think I could be a ninja because I suck at throwing darts so I will suck at throwing shurikens.

    @Chuck – Stripper snacks!

    @FatYoli – Or ramen.

    @Chris – Japanese like to copy things and make them better, like automobiles and televisions.

    @Reprobate – The greasiness could make pursuers slip.

    @armauld – Ninja boogers! I would totally review that…or maybe I just did.

    @cybele – Hmm…that sounds interesting. The habanero heats, while the menthol cools. Oh, those crazy Japanese people.

    @luckinflux – Actually in Japan I believe menthol is a popular flavor for snacks because they love to smoke so much.

    @Neil – Wait, does a LEVEL 5 HEAD KICK end in decapitation?

  2. @SheRa – Don’t you mean god awesome.

    @angry bob – I say it’s someone else’s hand, although there’s not enough blood on the packaging to prove it.

    @Reprobate – I also look forward to trying them.

    @Kylie – I think it would take a lot of these for me to become a ninja and if I eat that much of it,I’ll be a fat ninja and your pirate ass could beat mine.

    @angry bookie bob – I’ll put my money on my competitor.

    @Reprobate – The real question should be what are the odds the fat man will get away with all the food. I say they don’t look good.

  3. I like how many random Japanese snacks you get because you live in Hawaii and it’s easy to ship to there. Japan has the craziest stuff.

    I’m moving to Alaska..I’ll start a rival blog detailing Canadian snacks. And moose.

  4. Let me save you some time and effort there, Natalie. It’s all metric. And milk comes in bags, not jugs. That’s the main difference.

  5. Natalie – You can also get random Japanese snacks too if you look on eBay or J-List. If you do move to Alaska, you should start a Russian product review blog.

  6. Seeing this blatant fake advertisement, I’m going to set you all straight: Ninjas eat Buffalo. That’s all. Nothing else. All ninjas eat nothing but buffalo and have scurvy. That’s why there aren’t any buffalo in Japan. I swear. I just saw it on Bill Nye (the science guy). I love those penguins…

  7. Awesome. Just to add on, I think they’re actually called Fuwamaru Ninja Snack. If I were a ninja, I would use the salt variety to trick children, dehydrate them, and lure their unsuspecting parents. The black pepper flavor could be used to blind enemies or animals used for tracking. I am waiting for you to review Ninja Disposable Panties, yuzu flavor.

  8. ^ The username website link is for a Japanese blog post (in English) that talks about the snack.

    It’s called ‘Fuwamaru’ and the ninja theme is because the snack is supposed to be a light corn puff that melts in your mouth–disappearing like a ninja.

  9. @Sleeve – I thought ninja eat other ninja to devour their powers. Because there can only be one.

    @shNermal – I would be all up in those Ninja Disposable Panties. I hope they’re black and absorbent to handle me on my heavy flow days.

    @zyzzyva – I guess it did melt in my mouth, but not ninja fast.

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