Tahitian Tamure Tava

The Tahitian Tamure Tava (pronounced ta-MOOR-ay) is quite possibly the greatest beverage in the world that contains a three-word alliteration in its name. It’s the greatest because it is the ONLY beverage that contains a three-word alliteration in its name. Achieving that level wouldn’t have been possible if it weren’t for the marketing minds who came up with the made-up name “Tava,” which they define as, “to evoke feelings of possibility and discovery.”

It’s been around for almost a year, but I’m guessing most of you probably haven’t heard about Tava, since its makers, Pepsi, is only promoting the beverage online via word of mouth. That sounds like a great idea, but according to the original press release for Tava the beverage is targeted towards the 35-49 age group, so they’re asking a group which consists of some of the least technologically-savvy people in the country to promote Tava over the internets.

Good luck with that, Pepsi. I’m surprised these are still in stores.

Although it’s in a energy drink-shaped can, there isn’t anything energetic about it. There’s nothing in it to wake you up: no caffeine, no carbohydrates, no sugars, and no nagging mother yelling that you’ll be late for school. Even its tropical berry blend, which tasted more like fruit punch, was as weak as my attempts to earn the Presidential Physical Fitness Award in middle school.

Fucking shuttle run.

When it’s chilled, the Tahitian Tamure Tava tastes decent, but give it a chance to warm up, the artificial sweeteners stick out, like nipples on a cold, windy day under a thin, but soft, American Apparel t-shirt. Since it’s a zero-calorie beverage and contains artificial sweeteners, it’s safe to assume that the carbonated Tava is a diet soda. What I’m not sure of are the reasons why they added scant amounts vitamin D, niacin, vitamin B6, and chromium to it. If they’re going to add vitamins and minerals, they should make it worth our while or else someday another beverage with more vitamins and minerals and contains a three-word alliteration will take their title away.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – 0 calories, 0 g of fat, 55 mg of sodium, 0 g of carbohydrates, 0 g sugar, 0 g protein, 15% vitamin D, 15% niacin, 15% vitamin B6, and 15% chromium.)

Item: Tahitian Tamure Tava
Price: $3.00 (4 pack – on sale))
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: The greatest beverage that contains three-word alliteration. Tastes decent when chilled. Nice light fruit punch flavor. No fat. No sugar. No calories. Three-word alliteration.
Cons: Tastes bad when warm. Light flavor. Scant amounts of vitamins and minerals. No caffeine. Visible nipples on a cold, windy day. Not earning the Presidential Physical Fitness Award. Having technology-dysfunctional people promote your product on the internet.

22 thoughts to “Tahitian Tamure Tava”

  1. I don’t understand this. It’s a diet soda in an energy drink can..it just doesn’t make sense. And it’s like Pepsi just wanted it to fail with their crap marketing. *shrug* I’m in Georgia, so it’s coke only here.

  2. OH NO NOT THE SHUTTLE RUN. Arhghghg, the memories. Holy crap, that was the worst idea ever. What genius thought that up?

    “Hmm, despite PE being a mandatory class, kids are still getting fatter.”
    “I know! To solve the problem, lets have them run as fast as they possibly can in one direction, then try and stop and completely reverse their momentum in the opposite direction! Twice! Surely no ill effects can come of that!”
    Meanwhile, in the background, the sound of a thousand spindly ankles shattering.

    Anyway, how did the shuttle run not make it onto the cons list?

  3. I always sucked at the fitness test pull-ups, myself. Fucking pull-ups.

    Was this sweetened with Splenda? If so, I will definitely avoid.

  4. I actually miss P.E. The dodgeball was always great fun, and there was this thing in elementary school where the class would stretch out this massive circular tarp and flap it upwards to inflate it and then we’d all get underneath and seal the hemi-bubble. Great fun! Oh, but then there was soccer, basketball, track, swimming, racquetball, shuttleball, and all that crap. So it’s a tossup.

  5. My failing was long jump and, particularly, high jump. I was a skinny little kid but I’ve always been earth-bound.

    Maybe I’ll try a Red Bull which I’ve heard “gives you wings” instead of Tava.

  6. We did the bubble thing in my elementary school, too. And more fun things – dodgeball and soccer and scooter tag (and scooter hockey and anything involving scooters). I was even ok at the shuttle run.
    And then there was the mile run. That kicked my ass. (And softball. My hand-eye coordination is pitiful and my depth perception sucks. I’m such a nerd.)
    And I don’t know why I’m supposed to have chromium in my diet?

  7. Tava’s OK, not great. It’s good for the times when you don’t want caffeine (which do exist, at least for us non-tech-savvy 35-49-year-olds). I’d rather have a Diet Coke, though.

  8. @ luckinflux

    And I once tried a mix of various sodas + milks. The result? Wackiness. And repeated trips to kneel before Kwleaccch, the porcelain god.

  9. Gross, luckinflux!!! That’s really disgusting.. I think I would have to join Reprobate in front of Kwleaccch if I had to drink that.

  10. And I will stick to rats’ blood, freshly squished, which tastes faintly of the bitterness of loss, and a touch of sewage. Or the ’75 Lafite. which is a magnificent wine, unlike the ’74, which is piss.

  11. Sodas and milk: I used to drink root beer mixed with milk. Kind of the poor man’s root beer float.
    Also, the can: reminds me of what they started putting one of those lo-carb beers in (Michelobe Ultra maybe?). Skinny can means energy! Not skinny!

  12. well at least it is not high fructose corn syrup. It is good to see you trying something other than fast food!

  13. at least it is not high fructose corn syrup. I wish that stuff would be found to cause cancer or something.. then we could go back to sugar in our sodas, they would all taste so much better. I buy imported coca-colas because they are made with sugar not that hfcs.

  14. @bcguitar33 – Coh crappy crap!

    @Natalie – Skinny cans = energy drink = fruity diet soda = easy to grip

    @Jesse – Adding it to the cons list would just perpetuate the horrors of the shuttle run. Oh the memories.

    @Chuck – It’s got Splenda. Avoid it, like pull-ups.

    @Reprobate – Oh, I remember dodgeball. It’s when I learned getting hit in the balls with a red rubber ball hurts.

    @armauld – The only thing Red Bull gives me is gas.

    @Heidi – I really want public soda drinking fountains in parks.

    @Kate – I don’t know why I need chromium too. I could use chrome plating.

    @Neil – I like weaklings too.

  15. @Miranda – I prefer Diet Pepsi. Let’s fight!

    @Leslie – I’ll stick to milk, because Mr. T says so.

    @TM – I hope it wasn’t skim milk. Whole milk and root beer sounds good.

    @bikerbabeee – Oh, I’ve got more fast food reviews coming up. Unless, I die before posting them.

    @Nevis – Actually, it does taste like a carbonated sports drink.

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