REVIEW: Carl’s Jr. Big Country Breakfast Burrito

The Carl’s Jr. Big Country Breakfast Burrito is meant for the daring. It’s made for women who are willing to dance with the guy in the corner wearing sunglasses at night, with two popped collars, and clubgoers always form a large circle around him, not because he needs space to break out his dance moves, but because he has poor personal hygiene. It’s made for men who have the huge brass cojones to write a heart-warming sonnet that uses the Shakespearean rhyme scheme ABAB CDCD EFEF GG to proclaim their love for combing the manes of their My Little Ponies. It’s made for the small dogs who go up to significantly bigger dogs and bark the words, “You are my bitch.”

This breakfast burrito is only meant for the audacious diner because its ingredients list makes the KFC Famous Bowl seem a little less famous, like going from Alec Baldwin to Daniel Baldwin, and its nutritional values would make a doctor’s heart skip a beat. The cavalcade of ingredients not only consists of the trifecta of pig products — sausage, ham, and bacon — it also has scrambled eggs, hash brown nuggets, shredded jack cheese, shredded cheddar cheese, and white sausage gravy in a flour tortilla. It’s like they took George Orwell’s Animal Farm, wrapped it in tortilla, and scraped out the equines and communism.

With all of those ingredients, I was thinking some would overwhelm others, like normal people being stuffed in a room with Robin Williams clones, and it turns out that I was correct. All I could taste was the egg, tortilla, ham, and sausage gravy, although the white gravy was a little weak, making biscuits everywhere cry a little. I was hoping there would be a strong sausage and bacon flavor, but I guess ham is the Highlander and there can only be one in this breakfast burrito. The hash browns were soggy to the point where its texture was as soft as the eggs, so it didn’t add any crunch to it. Perhaps if I ate it in the restaurant instead of eating it ten minutes later in the comfort of my love shack, the hash brown would’ve still been crunchy. Despite not being able to taste all of the ingredients, it was decent as a ham and egg burrito, plus it had a nice heft to it, but I probably wouldn’t order it again.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burrito – 770 calories, 47 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 495 milligrams of cholesterol, 1530 milligrams of sodium, 57 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of sugar, 6 grams of dietary fiber, and 31 grams of protein.)

Item: Carl’s Jr. Big Country Breakfast Burrito
Price: FREE (with coupon from PR peeps)
Size: 308 grams
Purchased at: Carls’ Jr.
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Meant for the daring eater. Decent tasting as a ham and egg burrito, since that most of what I could taste.. High in protein. Six grams of dietary fiber. George Orwell’s Animal Farm.
Cons: Couldn’t taste sausage and bacon. Sausage gravy was a little weak. Hash brown were soggy. High in sodium and saturated fat. Being in a room filled with Robin Williams clones.

19 thoughts to “REVIEW: Carl’s Jr. Big Country Breakfast Burrito”

  1. Awesome Animal Farm reference! I salute you for being daring enough to eat that thing. It looks horrible, I think I just had a heart attack from looking at the picture.

  2. I think this needs more types of meat. Horse, goose, capybara, gator and frog.

    Now that would be a breakfast wrap.

  3. This is it, I’m starting The Southern Impulsive Buy with reviews of only Krystal and Chick-fil-A. Enough reviews of things I can’t buy.

    The conflicting nature of the “country” style breakfast with tortilla (Mexican) instead of traditional biscuits is a fusion of cultures that I’m not quite sure how to accept. I know southern Grannies everywhere are not accepting.

  4. Carl’s Jr. is the Southern equivalent of Hardee’s, but no self-respecting person would eat anything anything but breakfast at Hardee’s… and if Chick-fil-A or Cracker Barrel is open for breakfast then forget Hardee’s.

  5. That’s too bad this didn’t turn out to be better than average. I had high hopes for this one, since I love ‘country style’ foods. Looks like it’ll still be the breakfast burger for me.

    @Sea Hag: most of Carl’s Jr. lunch and dinner fare is the highlight. When you think breakfast, you should think either Jack or Sonic over here.

    @Natalie: Oh man, now I wish they made a breakfast burger type sandwich ‘country style’ on a biscuit with gravy… That might even be able to take the crown as ‘messiest burger’ from the guacamole bacon one.

    Hey, look at me, I’m like a mini-Marvo!

  6. @Jen T. – I like to give some George Orwell love once in awhile. Look for future 1984 references.

    @armauld – I thought capybara was a lunch meat.

    @Natalie – I was going to write a Jack in the Box review, but because of your comment, I’m going to review something you can buy. I just have to find it.

    @Chuck – Their website doesn’t say how much trans fat, but I’m guessing at least one. Salsa would definitely make this better. Hmm…They should make some kind of salsa burger.

    @Sea Hag – Some day I’ll will end up at a Hardee’s and the Happy Star will hug me.

    @Jesse – ::Taps foot:: Remember…there can only be one.

  7. Marvo-honey, you do have health insurance from that non-profit place you work for, right? Just checking.

  8. I don’t think I’m daring enough to eat this, let alone any breakfast food from a fastfood facility. I think you should start getting medals for surviving the ordeals of eating these things.

  9. It’s almost as if we were in the year 3000 and scientists had just uncovered the frozen body of Marvo and extracted one of his arteries to cut it open, revealing…dun dun dun…this! As for why Marvo would be frozen…eh…Marvo had brain freeze from one too many Slurpees and needed a cure. Talk about irony!

  10. My husband and I shared on of these from Hardees and it was pretty great. We ate it in the car on the way home so the hash browns weren’t soggy at all. However, I would’ve preferred it with one meat rather that three lol I also think the application of salsa helped. We had an amazing nap after eating it. I can’t fathom having had to stay awake and be productive after eating something so um hearty.

  11. Seahag: We don’t have a Hardees in my city for whatever reason, but Chick-fil-A is the best for fast food breakfast. I’d place Waffle House above Cracker Barrel though.

  12. @Molly – Yes, I do. But I’m going to need more than health insurance. I’m going to need a nurse by my side at all times.

    @Heidi – I already have enough medals around my neck. They make Mr. T pity himself.

    @Erika – Trust me. I’ve had enough white fluids in my mouth to know that was white gravy.

    @Reprobate – I highly doubt that because everyone knows that the world is going to end in 2010.

    @Natalie – Maybe I’ll review some cereal or an energy drink.

    @Kristina – You got salsa with yours? I should go back to the Carl’s Jr. and demand salsa poured into my cupped hands.

  13. Waffle House is great for waiting out a drunken stupor, but Cracker Barrel has pancakes with real maple syrup and that hash brown casserole. I’d slap my own mom for some of that shit.

    There is no Jack here. Though I once dated a guy who was married to someone who was one of the people who got sick at Jack. Does that count?

  14. I’m prefer Waffle House hash browns over the Cracker Barrel hash brown mother has a recipe that she makes at home that’s exactly the same thing. She’d probably prefer to not be slapped for it though.

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