REVIEW: Astronaut Ice Cream

Once in a while there’s a special product that I just can’t write about in normal paragraphs because it’s something that I believe deserves more than just blocks of joined sentences that are separated by two punches of my keyboard’s space bar.

Astronaut Ice Cream is worthy of the best word craftsmanship that my English degree and thesaurus can produce. I firmly believe that the only way I could pay homage to this product is through the gift of rhyme.

I’m not talking about a sonnet, limerick, quatrain, allegory, or epigram. I’m talking about something a lot more contemporary. So right now I’m about to drop some mad, crazy skills on y’all that would make Kanye West not shake in his sunglasses that he seems to wear whether he’s outdoors or indoors.

Awwww yeah. This one goes out to all the Space Cowboys. Giddy up!

I got a dessert that can be enjoyed across the universe.
Store it in your cubicle, pants, spacecraft, or purse.
It’s not perishable, so it doesn’t need any refrigeration.
Gives me elation when I opened a pack of this creation.
It’s hard to find and been a long time since I had one.
Might’ve got some if I lived near an aerospace museum.
For years and years, too many to count, I’ve gone without.
Now that I found you again Astronaut Ice Cream, I have to shout.

From Cape Canaveral to the International Space Station,
giving astronaut bros and hos instant, sweet salvation.
After experiments in zero gravity or a spacewalk at night,
only Astronaut Ice Cream can satisfy an astronaut’s appetite.

Like Lucky Charms marshmallows, it’s freeze-dried hard.
Fuck utilizing spoons or bowls, those you can disregard.
Pick up a block and it feels quite fragile, airy and light.
Take a bite and you’ll experience a galactic delight.
Comes with vanilla, chocolate and strawberry – the Neapolitan three.
It melts in your mouth like the walls do when you’re on LSD.
Astronaut Ice Cream is so delicious that it is a must.
I bet US astronauts use it to make Cosmonauts envious.

From the Space Shuttles to the all the Apollo missions,
giving astronaut bros and hos instant, sweet salvation.
After experiments with a monkey or a long space flight,
only Astronaut Ice Cream can satisfy an astronaut’s appetite.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 slice – 120 calories, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 50 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 12 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 4% Vitamin A, 0% Vitamin C, 8% Calcium, and 0% Iron.)

Item: Astronaut Ice Cream
Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Size: 0.7 ounces
Purchased at: Longs Drugs
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: One of my favorite things to eat in the world. The feeling of it melting in my mouth. Chocolate tastes like actual chocolate ice cream. It’s what astronauts eat. Made in the USA. Kanye West wearing sunglasses outdoors.
Cons: Not as good as the real thing. Vanilla and strawberry don’t quite taste like their frozen versions. Small and pricey. Breaks easily. Contains HFCS. Might be hard to find. Kanye West wearing sunglasses indoors.

29 thoughts to “REVIEW: Astronaut Ice Cream”

  1. i totally remember this and “space food sticks” when i was a kid (of course i am old enough to remember the first moon walk quite clearly). i didn’t know they still made it! i hope they don’t make the sticks though. the texture was sort of like tootsie rolls, but the flavor closer to bad “nutri-system” desserts, IIRC.

  2. @lesley – I wonder if it had high fructose corn syrup back in those days?

    @Chuck – I think it’s something that everyone should try because you’re eating a piece of aerospace history.

    @Jess – There is an outdoor section in Wal-Mart? I guess I really should explore the entire store someday, but it’s so vast.

    @Heidi – The regular price for this was $3.50, which is the price for a pint of ice cream when it’s on sale, which lasts a lot longer.

    @Bryan – It’s a little different. You should relive the 80s again and trying to

    @thefriardude – you don’t need to refrigerate it and it doesn’t melt but it’s not as creamy as real ice cream.

    @angrybob – If you have a million dollars, you can go into space too.

    @Reprobate – I broke it down.

    @Shonda – That has to be the best vending machine ever, right behind the vending machines in Japan that dispense beer.

    @Sam – I wish I could gorge myself with astronaut ice cream, but I would have to take out a small for that, which might cause that bank to ask for a bailout from the federal government.

  3. @Kate – Every review has subliminal NSYNC references.

    @Bunny – Ugh. I am afraid of Disneyland. For me, it’s the least happiest place on Earth because of the excessive amounts of baby strollers that hit me while I’m walking.

    @betsy – What!?! planes are awesome. When I was a little kid, I had an entire book about the F-14 Tomcat because I’d love veriable-sweep wing aircraft and I watched way too much G.I. Joe.

    @Natalie – Poetry is hard that I need to be in the mood for it, like watching the movie Beaches.I think I do about one poem every year.

    @Ace – Packaged cotton candy rocks the body that rocks the party and that’s all what I say about it. You can laugh all you want, but I’ll be laughing all the way to the bank, the Bank of Deliciousness.

    @Neil – I did not see the movie Space Cowboys because I like to remember Clint Eastwood as only Dirty Harry.

    @David – There are so many things I want to buy at Think Geek, but they’re shipping is kind of pricey. The thing I want the most is the T-shirt with the chemical structure of caffeine on the front of it.

    @Heather – The best part about craving it in 95° weather, it doesn’t melt. So while all the little kids are crying because their real ice cream melted, you can enjoy your ice cream without worry.

    @Cass – You went to space camp. I am jealous. I had to settle for jumping a ramp with my BMX bike.

    @bionic bunny! – I wonder if astronauts still eat space food sticks, if they do, I no longer want to be an astronaut.

  4. I’ve actually driven for hours to obtain this stuff.
    I buy it in bulk now, from amazon. Stay away from the astronaut pizza, hot dog, and fries though, they are not as good as you might think.

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