REVIEW: Purple

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down, Purple cowboy. Where’s the free radical fire? Trying to shove down our throats seven antioxidant-filled fruits at one time is not cool. Most of us haven’t even gotten used to acai and the fact that the C is pronounced as an S. Even though I can stick ten grapes in my mouth and deep throat a banana (it’s all about loosening the jaw and throat), trying to take the giant step of putting a liquid fruit salad that contains seven high antioxidant fruits down my gullet seems a little like fruit waterboarding.

The seven fruits in Purple include: acai, black cherry, pomegranate, black currant, purple plum, cranberry, and blueberry. Combined they form a beverage in a color that can only usually be seen in The Artist Formerly Known As Prince’s head whenever he decides to change his name. Speaking of names, I think the name Purple is appropriate for this beverage because if the color purple had a flavor, I’m pretty sure that it would taste like this high antioxidant drink. I could test my theory, but unfortunately I do not have a box of Crayola crayons around which I could melt and drink.

Because Purple is made up of a large orgy of fruits, I really couldn’t taste individual fruits but it did taste healthy. It’s 100% natural, contains no added sugars, and provides one serving of fruits. Overall, the beverage was quite tart and a little sweet. Its initial taste will probably make you grimace a little, but you get used to the drink after a few more sips.

On the bottle, Purple claims to be “The Most Powerful Antioxidant Beverage on the Planet.” That bold claim is probably just marketing bullshit, but it’s something I can’t prove or disprove, since I don’t have access to bunsen burners, lab coats, protective goggles, a properly vented laboratory, and a memory of what I learned in my college science courses. The only things I can prove with science are my ability to stick ten grapes in my mouth and my ability to deep throat a banana.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 112 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 15 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 28 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 0% Vitamin A, 100% Vitamin C, 0% Calcium, and 1% Iron.)

Item: Purple
Price: $2.99
Size: 10 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Has an orgy of fruits. 100% Vitamin C. Claims to be high in antioxidants. 100% natural. A bottle provides at least one serving of fruits. No added sugars.
Cons: Tastes like what I imagine the color purple tastes like. Pricey for just 10 ounces. Initial taste will make you grimace and may take some getting used to.

13 thoughts to “REVIEW: Purple”

  1. Purple probably *is* The Most Powerful Antioxidant Beverage on the Planet, and kudos to them for getting their title capitalization right.

    The question remains as to how powerful antioxidants really are, and whether ingesting them actually has any effect on free radicals – a term that always makes me think of microscopic, naked Abbie Hoffmans running around in my bloodstream and dancing to Frank Zappa’s “Absolutely Free.” Given the amount of LSD I took in my youth, there probably are.

  2. @Orchid64 – Don’t you know that Whoopi Goldberg is a perpetual con?

    @Bryan – Yes, and by the time they get here they will already be melted.

    @Neil – If it is the next Barney, I got my wooden stake and hammer to slam into its chest.

    @Chuck – I probably could do better, but I’m too lazy to push the envelope.

    @ShaneH – Thank you very much, ShaneH!

    @Natalie – The only thing those two tricks will do for me is impress porn talent scouts.

    @NobleArc, The Lazy Canadian – At $2.99 a bottle, I can only afford to get one and give it away, which makes the odds of winning very hard for you, my Canadian friend.

    @yawnie – I’m not bragging I’m just stating a fact.

    @fanta – I’ll keep drinking things with antioxidants in it until someone tells me it causes hair loss. When that happens, I’m going to start drinking a whole lot more of it, because I’m hairy.

  3. This sounds like the Purple Drank that Britney Spears like to drink with her kids! Hahahhah! This one probably has more vitamins or whatever and tastes like liquid Jello-0!

  4. @ph – Britney Spears feeds her kids? I don’t believe you.

    @Natalie – The porn lifestyle is a hard one (no pun intended). The pay is decent, depending on what I would be willing to do, and the scheduling is nice, but it’s a tough business to get into.

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