REVIEW: Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef

I just want to make clear that the Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef and its other flavors are not part of some big conspiracy for Asian Domination.

Oh wait.

Why did I capitalize the D in “Domination”? It makes it look like a code name for something, which it is totally not. If I had typed “Operation Asian Domination,” and something cryptic along with it, like “All salamanders in apples need some Rogaine under leggy eyes,” then maybe it might look like all the Asians, except North Korea, are coming together to take over the world. But that IS NOT the case.

The Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef is just an easy-to-make dish and the eyebrows on the Hamburger Helper glove are not slanted eyes, his eyes are not nostrils, and his nose is not a gigantic zit. All you need is a pound of ground beef, 2 3/4 cups of hot water, and, of course, the ingredients contained in the box. Within 20 minutes, you’ll have a dish that native Mongolians will not recognize at all, because the Mongolian Beef dish is an American creation.

Betty Crocker is not trying to deceive you, just like Asians aren’t trying to swindle you by infiltrating various aspects of society to bring it crashing down two weeks from today. People love Jackie Chan, the number one golfer in the world is half-Asian, there’s a Korean on Grey’s Anatomy, my doppleganger is on CBS’s The Mentalist, there are Japanese players in Major League Baseball, Olivia Munn is half-Chinese, there are over a thousand Panda Express locations across the United States, Rob Schneider is half-Filipino, sushi and karaoke bars are all over, and many women learned a new Japanese word, Harajuku, but all of that does not equate to Asians wanting to rule the world and force everyone to drive fuel-efficient Toyota, Honda, Kia, or Hyundai cars two weeks from today.

Besides, how can the Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef be part of an Asian conspiracy to take over the world when it doesn’t taste Asian. It was all right tasting, but it tasted more like Hamburger Helper Beef Stroganoff than any Asian dish. The pasta noodles were gummy and the addition of freeze-dried peas and carrots seemed unnecessary since they didn’t add anything to the flavor.

So to all the non-Asians out there, you don’t have to worry about an Operation Asian Domination because it’s just silly to think Asians would want to take over the world. To all the Asians out there, All salamanders in apples need some Rogaine under leggy eyes, two weeks from today.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/3 cup prepared – 270 calories, 11 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 700 milligrams of sodium, 330 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 3 grams of sugar and 20 grams of protein.)

Item: Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef
Price: $3.50
Size: 6 ounces
Purchased at: Don Quijote
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting if you like Hamburger Helper Beef Stroganoff. Easy to make. Ready to eat in about 20 minutes. Two weeks from today. Olivia Munn.
Cons: Not Asian tasting. Noodles were gummy. Conspiracies that involve Asians wanting to take over the world. Not Mongolian. Freeze-dried peas and carrots were useless.

31 thoughts to “REVIEW: Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef”

  1. You’re not fooling anyone with the smoke and mirrors denial of an “Asian conspiracy”. We all know that the real plot is with cats. LOLcats is their way of making us underestimate them by allowing us to catch them in humorous positions and attach grammatically incorrect captions to them.

    I’m guessing that you must be in league with the cats (after all, you did have inside information on how “Hello Kitty” does her dirty business) and they put you up to this entire ridiculous post. In fact, I bet that Betty Crocker knows Asians need no help with their hamburger and can prepare their own cuisine without her over-priced dehydrated crap in packets. Admit it, you made this whole thing up (including the product) in order to do what your feline masters want of you.

  2. All we need to do to foil the lolcats is to have lots of juicy cheeseburgers….still… Operation Domination…didn’t this allready happen?!!!

  3. It looks like canned dog food with leftover angel hair pasta haphazardly tossed in as an afterthought. I’d force myself to throw up afterward if I had to eat that. (But I’m sure it wasn’t that bad; after all, you ate it and kept it down, right?)

  4. I made love to a Mongolian woman once. I was spitting hair for a week. After that I stayed with American women.
    As far as hamburger helper I will stay away as well.

    p,s. I keep having the same dream that im naked and have to walk home for 10 miles everynight do you know what it means

  5. I’ve never eaten any version of hamburger helper. My dad didn’t like it so we just never had it at my house growing up. Now that I’m, you know, not a little kid and can eat whatever I can cook in my kitchen, maybe I should try it out. I’m sure my father will be pleased.

    And I’m totally ready for Asian domination.

  6. Copy that. I’ll alert the squishy rabbits who frolic in the meadows with little boys and michael jackson right away.

  7. I’m totally fine with being dominated by an Asian. Bring it on.

    I bet it’d taste a lot more Asian if they’d just slanted the Helper’s eyes, put a little triangle hat on his much too thick fingers, and bucked his teeth. Works for anything racist, IMHO. I mean, they used that typeface for crying out loud…go balls out.


  8. It looks more like Beef Domination, to me… I think if you just got the pound of beef and fried it up and didn’t use Asian Helper, it would look exactly the same. 🙁

  9. You forgot Grant Imahara from Mythbusters in that list – you really want that guy on your side if you’re going for world domination especially if it involves robots.

  10. I’m going to have to agree with “Molly” on this one. Dog food. Random noodles. Vomiting.

  11. now that mr. bunny is diabetic, i kind of miss the occasional HH.
    even though we kind of lived on it and spaghetti for a couple of years. weird, huh?

    and i don’t know about Operation Asian Domination or LOLcats conspiracies, but starbucks is a communist plot. why else would there be one on every corner? i’m looking at YOU senator mc carthy!

    sorry, marvo. i blame low blood sugar.

  12. If this was part of a conspiracy to take over the world, it would be better tasting.

    The only hamburger helper I have ever tried is cheeseburger macaroni. I usually add a half cup of salsa to give it a kick.

  13. Who decided hamburger needed help in the first place? Meat. Fire. What’s to help?

    As for conspiracies, if anybody were smart enough to successfully take over the world, they’d be smart enough to not want any part of it.

  14. am i the only one to notice the first letters of that phrase spell ASIANS RULE (two weeks from today)?
    and if so – that makes me 100% more asian than you. prepare to be dominated, please.

  15. looks a little weird, but totally hamburger “Asian” helper-like.
    I still find the name odd, but I want to find this in my supermarket. Why? Cause gringos’ll take Mongolian beef anyway they can get it! mm hmm..

  16. @Orchid64: Fine…You found me and the LOLcats out. There’s a reason why this looks like cat food.

    @JJ: Yeah!

    @Woodenhand: It also sounds like a professional wrestling pay-per-event.

    @Molly: I ate it and kept it down, until the fiber kicked in and then it went down even more.

    @Neil the hammer: it’s not a dream.

    @Natalie: I say eat it and shoot video of you eating it. Then when you’re done say, “I’m an adult and I can eat whatever I want. Look at me now, dad! LOOK AT ME NOW!!!”

    @Sarah: Awesome!

    @Domokun: I am also fine with being dominated by an Asian, as long as I don’t have to pay the price for being dominated by an Asian.

    @Heidi: No, Beef Domination is full of full HD video of….um, nevermind.

    @Bryan: Yes, we need robots. Although I would prefer Kari Byron.

    @Felix Tibs: Really? Man who ate canned baby clams?

    @Brie: If someone crapped that out, that person needs to see a doctor.

    @Fat Fudge: Here are a bunch of pics for your drooling pleasure.

  17. @Sharon: Show some love for all varieties of The Glove.

    @Jeanette: Mmm…dog food.

    @bionic bunny!: But they’re losing the battle since they’re closing a whole bunch of stores.

    @Chuck: I wouldn’t have survived college without Hamburger Helper and bribes.

    @Chuck: Unfortunately, they didn’t trademark their name.

    @yr momz: That is also not part of the plan for Operation Asian Domination.

    @Jenny: What!?! I’m not part of the planning committee of Operation Asian Domination and doesn’t exist?

    @Randy: Or hungry hobos.

    @angry bob: A four fingered glove decided it needed help. I don’t trust a hand with four fingers.

    @Julie: SHHHHHH!!!

    @Shannon: Ewww2.

    @CBara: Yes, it’s an ancient Filipino secret.

    @skibs: I’m sure you’ll find it and then bow down to your Asian masters.

  18. I tried this once from giant food store.I loved it now can’t find it anywhere. Can you help

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