Where can you find an apartment, a vintage Megazord and possibly the love of your life, or just someone who can accompany you to a dance instead of a long distant relative with a killer overbite and the annoying personality combo of Marie Osmond and Elisabeth Hasselbeck? No, itâ€™s not your local flea market, although I have heard of people scoping out sexy “honeyz” and “ballaz” as well as counterfeit designer bags by Preda, Zoach and Lou E. ViTon (I think thatâ€™s the name of the guy who owns the hoagie shop by my apartment). If you’re looking for love or something else, look no further than everyoneâ€™s semi-slutty friend, the Internet, at a little known place called Craigslist.
Craigslist provides hours and hours of comedy when I am trying to accomplish work that includes coming up with new double entendres, or perfecting the “Thatâ€™s what (insert pronoun here) said” routine. The best part of Craigslist is the personal ads. You wonâ€™t find 1,000 dimensions of connectivity that can help you find the person who enjoys long walks on a nude beach as well as Bukovinian Dance. Instead, youâ€™ll find people that cut to the chase and just tell you what they want (what they really, really want) by simple, sometimes abbreviated phrases like: BIG DIK WNTD 4 GDTIME.
The Taco Bell Pina Colada Frutista Freeze is the offspring of two beloved food items that found each other via Craigslist, the Metro, or a VH1 reality show. You have the older-than-it-looks Slushie (or in Taco Bellâ€™s case, the “Freeze” portion of the Frutista Freeze), who, letâ€™s be honest here, has been around the block with everyone from Coke to Pepsi, and even had a bi-curious rendezvous with Punchy, the Hawaiian Punch dude. Then thereâ€™s the sexy, oh so sweet and juicy pineapple (aka the golden fruit of lusciousness). Delicious and nutritious on its own, yet it seems to me that this fruit is always teaming up with something not so healthy, like sugary syrup or cake that is served upside down. This latest marriage is no exception.
Now, I must admit, I do like pina coladas, but I absolutely fucking hate getting caught in the rain, and I wonâ€™t even attempt to try a Feathered Peacock Pose. That being said, I was looking forward to the Pina Colada Frutista Freeze. The first sip didnâ€™t whisk me away to some paradise where I would ride a white stallion on the beach; instead it brought me back to when I would order virgin versions of the beverage on Caribbean cruises with my folks. I havenâ€™t consumed a pina colada (both virgin and whore) in quite sometime, but Taco Bellâ€™s version fulfilled my pina colada desires.
The slush part, which is a perfect combination of coconut and pineapple, could be great on its own. But when you throw pineapple cubes on top, it just elevates this icy beverage into something a little classy. Yes, I just called something produced by Taco Bell classy. The Frutista Freeze comes in one size, which absolutely sucks because, just when youâ€™re about to reach frozen beverage orgasm, itâ€™s all gone. The only thing missing from Taco Bellâ€™s Frutista Freeze (besides alcohol to all of us of legal age) is the little umbrella. And as everyone knows, that little umbrella means everything when sipping on a frozen pina colada.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 Frutista Freeze – 230 calories, 0 grams of fat, 20 milligrams of sodium, 58 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 48 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)
Item: Pina Colada Frutista Freeze
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Size: 479 grams
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Sweet icy goodness. Real fruit. Making fun of people that try to find true love by sleazy means. Finding vintage 90â€™s toys. Fat free.
Cons: No umbrella. Getting caught in the rain. Only comes in one size. Marie Osmond.