REVIEW: Kellogg’s Cinnabon Bars (Original and Caramel)

Even if it has the name Cinnabon on its packaging, like the Kellogg’s Cinnabon Bars, how can any product reach the high level that a fresh Cinnabon cinnamon roll achieves? It’s impossible to match the orgasmic combination of warm dough, Makara Cinnamon and cream cheese frosting.

That triple threat has the power to make people push back their diets for one more day. It can make a happy, fat kid happier AND fatter at the same time. It can makes those who are anal about cleanliness say, “fuck it” and let their mouths and finger become coated with sugar, cinnamon and frosting, because they know trying to keep clean while eating a fresh Cinnabon will always be a losing battle.

Just the scent alone of warm Cinnabons baking in the oven is extremely powerful. It draws you to the Cinnabon store located at the mall. It’s like smelling pheromones or being caught in the tractor beam of the Death Star. All you can do is just give up and let the Stormtroopers board you. One whiff of it may make your mind say no, but it makes your tongue, stomach and fat ass say yes.

Comparing these Kellogg’s Cinnabon Bars with fresh (or even reheated) Cinnabon rolls is like comparing an iPhone with its cheap Chinese rip off, the uPhone. It’s like comparing Neiman Marcus with Sears or JCPenney. It’s like the difference between silicone breast implants and water-filled plastic bags with a goldfish. These bars don’t even come close to capturing the essence of a Cinnabon cinnamon roll.

Both flavors, Original and Caramel, are sweet but they don’t give me a sugar erection like an actual Cinnabon does, probably because they don’t come close to tasting like one. Neither of them contains Cinnabon’s famous Makara Cinnamon, which, again, is part of the orgasmic combination that makes a Cinnabon roll the dieter’s devil. They claim on the box that it “tastes great warm,” but I really couldn’t trust them because the microwaving instructions on the box turned out to be quite inaccurate. It said it takes 3 SECOND on HIGH, but that isn’t enough time to warm up anything. It took about ten seconds to make them slightly warm, but doing so made them extremely fragile.

The Kellogg’s Cinnabon Bars weren’t very good warm or straight out of the wrapper. They had a boring flavor to them. If they had Makara Cinnamon in them, they might’ve been better, but I highly doubt Cinnabon would let anyone near their stash. Because they don’t have that delectable spice, I don’t think they deserve to have the Cinnabon name attached to it. Besides, eating one of these bars doesn’t fill me with regret or cause me to gain a couple of pounds, like a real Cinnabon cinnamon roll does.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – Original – 150 calories, 4.5 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 130 milligrams of sodium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 13 grams of sugar and 1 gram of protein. Caramel – 150 calories, 4 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 65 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 14 grams of sugar and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Kellogg’s Cinnabon Bars (Original and Caramel)
Price: $3.19 each
Size: 6 bars
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Cleaner than eating a Cinnabon cinnamon roll. Healthier than a Cinnabon cinnamon roll. The smell of a Cinnabon store. iPhones. Silicone breast implants. A warm Cinnabon cinnamon roll.
Cons: Weren’t very good. Doesn’t taste anything like a Cinnabon cinnamon roll. Doesn’t contain Cinnabon’s Makara Cinnamon. Bars are kind of small. Instructions to warm them up for only 3 seconds are ineffective. Warming them up makes them fragile. Contains high fructose corn syrup. A warm Cinnabon cinnamon roll.

18 thoughts to “REVIEW: Kellogg’s Cinnabon Bars (Original and Caramel)”

  1. I love when packages have warm up times <5 seconds, my microwave needs a good 15 second pre-heating to get anything remotely warm.

  2. Sorry you had a bad experience Marvo. They didn’t look good to me either. It’s cool to use Cinnabon in Pillsbury rolls, in cheesecake, in toaster strudel but in a bar? Come on! How stupid can they be.
    The bar its self looks really thin too, like you’d need two of them to feel satisfied.

  3. Hahha. Too funny! I don’t think there will will ever be a way to have that at home Cinnabon experience unless you’re like Richie Rich and can have a fast food establishment in your house.

    That’s a BIG disappointment but it’s a little like Tito trying to live up to Michael….it’s just not in the cars.

  4. I think this is the first time I’ve seen something as both a pro and a con, although it may well have happened before. These bars do sound kind of lame.

  5. I love you for using the phrase “sugar erection”. I too have those quite frequently, even though I lack the required… anatomy.

    This review made me want a Cinnabon, though. Thanks for that. Really.

  6. These are just a bad idea. They should have at least come with a pouch of frosting.

  7. I picked these up at Martin’s grocery store in Maryland last week for a steal ($2.50-.75 coupon-.75 doubled coupon).

    I thought they were fairly decent, but I haven’t tried them warmed up yet. I was surprised at how small they are, though.

  8. I saw a woman eating a cinnabon on the way to her car on a windy day. She was actually licking her hair to get every last bit of cinnamony goodness.

  9. the very best cinn. comes from Vietman. Its the bark off a tree
    I used to eat it while hunting the VC


  10. Mmmm They look suckulent and juicy and delicktable…ahem sorry I have a thing for cinnamon

  11. No Makara cinnamon?! They managed to spare some for their semi-healthy breakfast cereal! How could they leave it out of a legitimate gooey snack treat?

  12. it is probably for the best that they are gross. do you ever eat oatmeal? once in a while? for the cleaning properties? you could even mash it up with a cinnabon to make it go down easier.

  13. @Mallory: I think I could stick my head in the microwave for three seconds and it would be fine>

    @Erin Brooks: They were quite small, but I didn’t want to eat two in one sitting for fear of sugar overload, even though I have consumed much more sugar in one sitting.

    @Bear SIlber: But at least Tito is the greatest entertainer ever named Tito. Oh wait, there’s Tito Puente. Okay, second best.

    @Chuck: It’s happened a few times before. I can’t recall which reviews they were, but I know for sure it’s happened.

    @SR: I passed by a Cinnabon yesterday and I really wanted one, but then I thought about these bars and that desire quickly went away. Wait. I should use that as a pro. It makes you not crave Cinnabon

    @grinder: A tub of the frosting would have been way better.

    @slurm: So you got them for a dollar? Damn. I got to start clipping some coupons.

    @winnie: Licking her hair? I bet she’s a cat lady.

    @Neil: You we’re like Bear Grylls.

    @The Crisper: you will be disappointed with this.

    @Beth: I don’t know. Maybe they were afraid Kellogg’s would try to reverse engineer it and then bring down Cinnabon.

    @NakedKen: I do eat oatmeal once in awhile, whenever I feel fat. I guess mashing the two together would make both taste better.

  14. I really don’t want to hear anything about your dick while I am reading about food. Nastyyyyy!!!

  15. Nothing satisfies me like a Cinnabon bar with a cup of coffee early in the AM, warm or cold right out of the box. I was informed by my local supermarket that the product has been discontinued by Kellogg’s. Maybe the supermarket meant discontinued by them. Where can I buy Cinnabon bars in my zip code area ( 32792)?

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