Month: November 2010

REVIEW: Jamba Juice Berried ‘n Chocolate Smoothie

Marvo 2 Comments

Jamba Juice Berried 'n Chocolate Smoothie

Berried ‘n’ Chocolate would’ve made a great name for a 1970’s television cop buddy show.

Chocolate would’ve been the smooth talking black police detective who doesn’t like to use violence and Berried would’ve been his clumsy (place ethnicity here) partner who used the catchphrase, “You just got Berried by the law,” every time they caught the criminal, although Chocolate did all the work.

Unfortunately, a Berried ‘n’ Chocolate television show was never made and allowed to run for two episodes before being cancelled, either because “You just got Berried by the law” got old really quick or the show ended up being a little racist. While there was never a Berried ‘n’ Chocolate television show, thanks to Jamba Juice, there’s a Berried ‘n Chocolate smoothie.

Jamba Juice’s Berried ‘n Chocolate is a new addition to their Creamy Treats line of smoothies, which also consists of the worst smoothies for you on the Jamba Juice menu. One such smoothie is the Original-size Peanut Butter Moo’d, which contains 770 calories and 108 grams of sugar.

Moo, indeed.

A Berried ‘n Chocolate is created by using strawberries, Jamba’s Chocolate Moo’d base, semisweet chocolate chips, non-fat frozen yogurt, mixed berry juice, blueberries and ice. The mixture ends up having a grayish purple color, which maybe fine for a goth makeup kit, but probably isn’t the most appetizing on a food color wheel. The Jamba Juice Berried ‘n Chocolate smoothie also has a weird texture. Not only does it have seeds, but it’s also slightly chalky, which might be caused by the semisweet chocolate chips.

The smoothie tastes like a berry Tootsie Pop, which I’m not sure is a good thing. I’ve sucked on several dozen Tootsie Pops in my lifetime and have always considered the Tootsie Roll center as the best part of the lollipop. The fruity candy coating is something that’s in the way, which I’m pretty sure is the same thing Mr. Owl believed when he tried to determine how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. Why else would he bite away the hard shell after only two licks and screw with the scientific method?

So, basically, the Berried ‘n Chocolate tastes like a Tootsie Pop that I’ll never reach the center of.

(Nutrition Facts – 24 ounces – 520 calories, 6 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 108 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 91 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein, 6% vitamin A, 35% calcium, 80% vitamin C and 6% iron.)

Item: Jamba Juice Berried ‘n Chocolate Smoothie
Price: $4.69
Size: 24 ounces
Purchased at: Jamba Juice
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like a berry Tootsie Pop. Awesome source of vitamin C and protein. Uses real strawberries and blueberries. Use non-fat frozen yogurt. Catchphrases.
Cons: Tastes like a berry Tootsie Pop that I’ll never reach the center of. Weird texture and grayish purple color. Same amount of calories as a Big Mac. Screwing with the scientific method. Awesome source of sugar. No cop buddy show called Berried ‘n’ Chocolate.

PRIZE DRAWING: Because I Ain’t Drinking It

Marvo 152 Comments

Despite my review of how vomitous the Jones Bacon Soda smells and tastes, for some of you, the idea of drinking a bacon soda still tickles your curiosity. Well I’m here to satisfy that curiosity, clear some desk space and, maybe, get some pleasure from knowing that I’ll be responsible for making someone gag in a way that doesn’t involve me being topless.

I’m giving away, via a prize drawing, the other bottle of Jones Bacon Flavored Soda I received when I purchased the Jones Bacon Soda Holiday Pack. Since consuming the bacon soda has caused me to lose my appetite for bacon, I’ll also include the other bacon-flavored items that came with the soda: one bag of bacon popcorn, one pouch of bacon gravy and one stick of bacon lip balm.

To enter The Impulsive Buy’s Bacon Soda prize drawing, leave a comment with THIS post. You may say whatever you like, but your comment MUST include the word “bacon.”

Please don’t forget to fill out the email field because I’ll be emailing the winner for their mailing address. The Impulsive Buy will stop accepting entries on Tuesday, November 23, 2010 11:59 p.m. Hawaii Standard Time. Only one entry allowed per person and it’s open to everyone who’s 18 years old or older.

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you links for recipes that involve bacon. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you jars of bacon grease. Bribes will not be accepted. Offering crispy bacon will not influence the results. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, damaged mail, or the gagging you’ll experience from drinking bacon soda.

REVIEW: Carl’s Jr. Hand-Breaded Chicken Tenders

Kelley 15 Comments

Carl's Jr. Hand-Breaded Chicken Tenders

Doesn’t seem like chicken tenders would be such a big deal. Lots of fast food places have them. I’m actually surprised Carl’s Jr. has waited so long to introduce them to the menu.

You’d think such an addition would go gentle into that good night, but no. According to Carl’s, these are not just any chicken tenders. These are hand-breaded chicken tenders, and that is a big deal. There have been an onslaught of commercials: one going the fear route, with nothing but video of “Box 1457 B partially cooked frozen chicken strips” slowly panning out while the ominous voice-over informs you that they’ve been sitting there for 12 days, trying to convince you that even though you’ve been eating these crappy chicken strips for years, if you do it just one more time YOU WILL DIE. Okay, maybe not that bad, but close.

Another takes quite a different spin. Two receptionists stuff their faces with the hand-breaded chicken tenders; one asks the other why she stopped working at Carl’s, and she says it was too much work, with all the dipping and the hand-breading and the frying and the hey lady! Then the phone rings, and the first girl says, “That phone is soooo annoying.” Continue with face-stuffing.

As a female and a former career receptionist/secretary/office bitch, I should be offended, if I was the type of person to be offended by such things. But hey, if it gets the point across and Carl’s Jr.’s marketing department doesn’t mind being accosted by angry feminists and secretaries for portraying all of them as completely vapid bitches, have at it.

The Spanish-speaking contingent gets the best commercial. Isn’t that always the way? Obviously meant as a parody of telenovelas, some dude ogles the hot Latina maid dressed up in a “Sexy French Maid” Halloween outfit. Another hot Latina chick, presumably his wife, catches him in the act and starts screaming, wiping the table clean with a dramatic sweep of her arm and the breakage of several pieces of delicate flatware. The maid then sexily brings the man a tray of chicken tenders, the wife and the man sexily eat the chicken tenders, and the maid looks at them both sexily. I have no idea what is going on, but it is obviously the best of the bunch.

Carl's Jr. Hand-Breaded Chicken Tenders Inside

Carl’s description of the chicken tenders is “Freshly prepared hand-breaded chicken tenders. Premium, all-white meat chicken hand dipped in buttermilk, lightly breaded and fried to a golden brown. Served with a choice of honey mustard, buttermilk ranch or sweet & bold BBQ dipping sauces.”

Some of these things are true. Some of them are indeterminate. I have to say, I thought the chicken definitely tasted fresher, or perhaps more chicken-like, than I’ve experienced with other fast food chicken strips. It both looks and tastes like an authentic piece of chicken breast. The meat is juicy and fairly tender.

As for the breading, I wouldn’t call it “lightly breaded,” but I also wouldn’t call it “smothered in two inches of crunchy breading,” which is how I would describe KFC’s chicken. Not that that’s a bad thing. Unfortunately, my tenders were fried to a little more than golden brown. I might go so far as to say they were over-fried. They didn’t taste burnt, but they could have been a little more on the golden side. That’s just the vagaries of fast food though; the next order could have been fried perfectly. The breading was crunchy and a little greasy, and didn’t really seem to contain any special spices.

I enjoyed Carl’s Jr.’s Hand-Breaded Chicken Tenders, but they didn’t exactly blow my mind. Yeah, the chicken tastes fresh, and the breading is pretty good, but to be honest, if I hadn’t been beaten over the head by Carl’s with the idea that these were “freshly prepared” and “hand-breaded,” I wouldn’t have known the difference. The breading is a little bit of a different texture, but doesn’t scream groundbreaking. The Chicken Tenders came with some buttermilk ranch dip, but it too didn’t blow my mind. It would really help if a hot Latina served them to me in a French Maid outfit, though.

(Nutrition Facts – 5 chicken tenders (246 grams) – 560 calories, 280 calories from fat, 31 grams of total fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 120 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,930 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 1 gram of sugars and 47 grams of protein.)

Other Carl’s Jr. Hand-Breaded Chicken Tenders reviews:
An Immovable Feast
Grub Grade

Item: Carl’s Jr. Hand-Breaded Chicken Tenders

Price: $4.69

Size: 5 tenders (246 grams)

Purchased at: Carl’s Jr.

Rating: 6 out of 10

Pros: Chicken was juicy. Hot Latina chicks. Meat seemed like real breast meat. Breading had a good texture. “Box 1457 B.”

Cons: Tenders were over-fried, but that could just be bad luck. Stereotypes that receptionists are dumb and lazy. Breading had no spices or special flavoring. Fear of ever eating pre-breaded chicken strips again. Couldn’t tell if they were hand-breaded or not anyway.

REVIEW: Jones Bacon Flavored Soda

Marvo 24 Comments

Jones Bacon Flavored Soda

Sometimes I feel like I’m the lamest member of the Jackass crew.

I’m not willing to get kicked in the balls, have animals attack me on purpose, sit in a port-a-potty that’s about to get knocked over, or get my ass cheeks pierced together, but I’m willing to eat fast food items with 1,500+ milligrams of sodium and drink Jones Soda’s Bacon Flavored Soda.

There isn’t a word in any language that properly describes how vile this bacon flavored soda tastes. Shit, I’m surprised I mustered the courage to taste it because a foul stench of artificial bacon wafted into my nasal passages as I brought my mouth towards the opening of the bottle. The smoky, nauseating aroma put my entire digestive system into defensive mode.

Its flavor is extremely potent. It’ll grow hair on your chest, and if you’re somehow able to drink an entire bottle, it’ll probably grow a third nipple, as well. The bacon soda’s smoky and sweet flavor tastes like Jones Soda figured out a way to bottle the things that make babies cry: smoke and candy taken away from babies.

Speaking of crying, drinking it made me tear up. It wasn’t a happy cry or a sad cry, it was more of a frantic “Mommy! Please make it stop!” cry.

I only sipped my way though one-fifth of a bottle because sipping the reddish bacon soda is a chore. Every sip warranted several chasers of something that would get rid of that godawful taste from my mouth.

While those chasers helped wash away the flavor from my taste buds, they did nothing for the memories etched into my brain. Each sip made those grooves deeper and deeper, and it already has reached to the point where just the thought of this bacon soda makes me gag.

While my experience with it was bad, I really feel sorry for the Jones Soda employee or intern who had to taste test all the prototype versions of the Jones Bacon Flavored Soda. Because if the final version is horrible, all the test versions of it must have been worse.

I hate to say this, but I think Jones Bacon Flavored Soda has ruined bacon for me. I’ve said on a number of occasions that bacon makes everything better, but this limited edition bacon flavored soda proved me wrong. Now, just the thought of a bacon cheeseburger makes me throw up a little in my mouth.

Thanks, Jones Soda!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle/12 ounces – 10 calories, 0 grams of fat, 516 milligrams of sodium, 2 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Jones Bacon Flavored Soda
Price: $9.99 (Bacon soda set)
Size: 2-12 ounce bottles
Purchased at: Jones Soda Website
Rating: 0 out of 10
Pros: There’s a bacon flavored soda. Only 10 calories. May get you to quit bacon.
Cons: Godawful. Hard to get. Pricey. Artificial bacon stench. Ruined bacon for me. The prototype versions of this soda. Makes me cry. Its flavor is etched into my brain.

REVIEW: Kettle Brand Nacho Cheddar TIAS!

Marvo 12 Comments

Kettle Brand Nacho Cheddar Tias!

I don’t have any command of the Spanish language, and some might argue I also don’t have a command of the English language, so it’s been difficult to find out why Kettle Brands calls their line of tortilla chips TIAS! I thought the internet would help, but it was quite useless.

When I looked up “tias” on an online language translator, it told me it means aunts in Spanish. When I looked it up on Wikipedia, it told me Tias is a city on the Canary Islands and it’s also the Treaties and Other International Acts Series, a document printed by the U.S. Department of State.

When I looked up the word on YouTube, I hoped to find telenovela clips, but instead I found lots of videos with voluptuous girls in bikinis and slideshows of girls smashing their boobs together to form cleavage while booty music plays in the background. Those videos eventually lead me to tanga videos, and those videos caused YouTube to suggest I watch Brazilian bunda clips.

After spending half a day on YouTube watching a never-ending stretch of booty and boobs, I still don’t have any clue why these Kettle Brand Nacho Cheddar Tortilla Chips are called TIAS!

The Nacho Cheddar TIAS! sound like the Toyota Prius of cheese-flavored triangle tortilla chips because they’re all-natural, mostly made from organic ingredients and I felt smug after buying them. Let me tell you, since I bought this bag of Nacho Cheddar TIAS!, I have felt a high level of disdain toward Doritos eaters. It’s a level I haven’t felt since I watched myself eat an entire bag of Doritos in front of a mirror.

Kettle Brand Nacho Cheddar Tias! 2

If you read what the packaging says, it’s easy to feel smug: ZERO grams of trans fat, ONLY all natural colors and flavors, ONLY natural oils, NO preservatives, NON-GMO ingredients and REAL food ingredients. These Kettle Brand Nacho Cheddar TIAS! may make me feel like an asshole, but at least I can be an asshole while eating something awfully appetizing.

While not as cheesy as Doritos, they have a more authentic cheese flavor. The amount of seasoning on each chip looks ample, but it doesn’t translate into a really strong cheesy flavor. That lack of an intense cheesy flavor also makes the sloppy seconds I have with my fingers, sucking off the light orange seasoning, less delectable.

The Kettle Brand Nacho Cheddar TIAS! may not be healthier, as cheesy or as crunchy as Doritos, but they’re an extremely satisfying smug replacement.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce/about 12 chips – 150 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 6 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 55 milligrams of potassium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% vitamin A, 4% calcium and 2% iron.)

Item: Kettle Brand Nacho Cheddar TIAS!
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 8 ounces
Purchased at: Whole Foods
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Has an authentic cheese flavor. Tasty. All natural colors and flavors. Made mostly from organic ingredients. Zero grams of trans fat. No preservatives. Contains polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. Tanga videos. Brazilian bunda videos.
Cons: May feel smug while eating them. Not healthier than Doritos. Sucking off cheesy fingers is less tasty. Not as crunchy as Doritos. Feeling disdain towards Doritos eaters. The internet unable to tell me why they’re called TIAS!